Wednesday, December 26, 2007

The Distance

Favorite things of this very moment (12:00 pm):
  • A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
  • Daydreams
  • Waking up to sunshine this morning which helped to dissipate the remnants of discontent and fear that I fell asleep with
  • A functioning alarm clock
  • Understanding parents
  • Finishing the sugar, milk, and delectable flavored coffee that I brought with me from home this morning and savored as I read
  • That 2008 is close at hand

I slept soundly till this morning when my alarm woke me up. I dreamt all through the night though I don't remember any of them. They were fairly well filled with turmoil, unspoken promises, broken hearts, fear, and disillusion. Yes, I know I just said I didn't remember them... I don't, but the feelings remained. When my alarm went off, I thought someone was drunk dialing me again (it did happen this past weekend, from someone I never expected...which made it comical, even if he did wake me up in the middle of the night) only to realize the sun was shining and I needed to get up for work. It was comforting.

I spent yesterday evening with Jeff. He called twice yesterday. The first time to wish me a merry Christmas, and the second time to ask me to go to a movie with him. He said we hadn't spent much time together in a long time, and he thought we should. Sometimes you get so far away only to realize that despite your best intentions, best interest, the miles or time're still in the same spot. Or can quickly find yourself sitting next to someone smiling and listening as if time has been standing still waiting for you to find it.

And then you realize you really have been growing up because though you're performing the same function and routine that you've lived through a thousand times before, as you close your eyes and listen, the voice is the same, but the person speaking is someone different from the one you saw when your eyes were open. Sometimes you can only really see someone when you're eyes are closed.

Which brings us back to going to sleep in such a wickedly cynical and fatalistic state of mind and waking up this morning letting the sunshine loose the fingers of feelings better left unsaid that had used their claws to hook themselves as deeply and painfully as they could in my heart and head. Morning light sometimes makes all the difference...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

A Few Good Things

Favorite things of this very moment (3:53 pm):
  • Finally having all my Christmas shopping done and knowing I got something everyone I bought for will actually want...Yes
  • Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha from Starbucks
  • Starbucks "dates" with Jenna
  • Old fashioned cream drops
  • That today is payday
  • That Mom lets me wear her work boots
  • Meeting the president of Sauk Valley Community College and him being such a nice man
  • Fake facial hair
  • Speculating on the origin and purpose of a group of teenage (well...possibly college) guys where suits and bow ties wondering collectively through Barnes & Noble (and yet they never sang...they should have)
  • Friendly sales people who actually take your strange questions seriously and never question you carrying around a book with the words "Sex God" clearly printed on the cover
  • That Christmas is 6 days away, Heather comes home in 2 days, Rachel comes home in 1 day, Jeff comes home in 2 days, and I will get to be in Ohio in 14 days...oh yeah...only 14

Life is good. Jenna and I spent a good deal of time today telling each other stories. Por ejemplo:

me: lighting my coat on fire, ABC stories, how I met people at FUEL

Jenna: how she met Mike Zizert & Jon Fletcher, the Tulip festival, her car accident

Needless to say, it was a very bizarre and lovely event. Spending time with one's cousins should always be this much fun. We're going to try and get together again before she heads back to school.

The only thing that didn't make me happy today was finding out that my Starbucks gift card will not work at the Starbucks in Barnes & Noble because though it is a Starbucks, it is technically not of the Starbucks or something weird, so next time I meet Jenna I may just say that we need to go to the "official" real-deal Starbucks so that I don't have to spend money. Geez.

Oh, and the other displeasing item was getting to the Dollar General to buy Veggie Tale's videos for my Sunday School class only to find 4 of them when we have, in fact, 7 kids (though only 4 of them show up regularly). Boo. Oh well, I got hideous snowman lanterns, so the kids are going to have to enjoy them and Kayla and I will make them cookies or something to go with them. So there. bwahaha.

All in all, an excellent, though very busy day.

And on that note, I have nothing outside of this to say. At least nothing constructive.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Death, True Love, Chases, Escapes, Miracles

Favorite things of this very moment (11:35 am):
  • The following quote: "Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that!" -Matt Frewer
    The that cut on my right index finger from the saw blade is healing nicely
  • That Megan Ziegler is going to pull through all right
  • That Wendy Thomas (Lacey and I's cousin), her boyfriend, Michael, and Michael's older brother all survived (without injury no less) crashing into a rock wall at 60 mph last night...
  • My Fiji water bottle
  • My blue Bitten thermal shirt
  • Knowing what I am going to wear to Kyle and Angie's wedding
  • New razor blades
  • Feeling like I actually have a handle on my presentation for tomorrow
  • Knowing that I have the money for my first tuition payment in the bank and I didn't have to borrow anything from anyone
  • That God provides, even in the littlest things
  • Crazy dreams and my mother's commentary
I'm glad I've gotten use to not eating lunch because I completely forgot to pack anything for today, and I have absolutely no money to pay for anything even if I did want to eat. Having The Cheese Shop next door can be a really miserable thing at times.

Yesterday I realized I'm losing weight because even with pj pants on under my jeans, my jeans were still falling down. I can tolerate the embarrassment of having my pants falling down (constantly) in front of 4 attractive men as long as there is a good reason for it. Yeah some weight loss!

By the way, the cut on my finger isn't real bad. It still hurts a little bit, and bled quite a bit when it happened, but it's not a big deal. I was just moving the saw to hang them up and caught the tip of my finger on one of the blades. Lovely, but it's healing just fine. I may have a weird little "x" shaped scar on my finger tip though depending on how it decides to heal.

And speaking of weird things that happened at work, I set my coat on fire on Saturday. Chris Ditto was in the hut eating his lunch while I was trying to get change, and I made the mistake of standing too close to Mr. Heater who apparently felt it was important to really warm me up. My coat strings caught on fire. The guy I was getting change for is suddenly says, "Your coat is on fire," and I, in all my brilliance, say, "What?" He says, "YOUR COAT IS ON FIRE." I look down and sure enough, I'm on fire. And what do you think I say in this extremely interesting moment? "Oh." I shake the coat out and it goes out. I hand the guy change. Chris didn't even react. It was amazing. And somehow I was completely unscathed and unshaken. God definitely does look out for me.

On a much sadder note, Malorie Ziegler died on Saturday. Megan, her older sister (who is a friend of Kayla, Jeff, and I's), was driving and they hit some ice or something and ended up in the other lane. They were t-boned. Malorie died on impact which is, sadly, probably for the best. Megan is currently in stable condition, but she is unaware of Malorie's death because at this point they have to keep her heavily sedated. They can't move her without her heart-rate rocketing, so they're just trying to keep her stable and let her heal before they do anything more. The good news is that the doctor's are optimistic about her recovery. They think she'll be able to heal completely and walk normally in the end. The bad thing is, even though it was an accident due to bad weather, Megan is probably going to feel guilty about this for a long time. The worst part this about this for me is watching Joel. Malorie was one of his best friends. The other night after we found out, he turned to me and said, "Jaymin, now I know exactly how you felt when Zuni died." My heart broke. Thirteen-year-old's should not have to face the death of someone that close to them. Especially another 13-year-old. It's not right. At all.

In times like this, all you can do is pray, and pray a lot. I figure I'll just do a lot of listening, make sure I give a lot of hugs, make sure the boys all know that they're important to me, and do all I can to keep them safe. And I'll pray.

But let's end this on a positive note, so I'll tell you 2 more stories:

God does answer prayer. I've been in a panic the past several days trying to figure out how I was going to set up a payment plan for classes and where this money would be coming from. I got online the other night and spent several hours filling out scholarship application stuff, trying to find my pin number for FAFSA, checking on odds and ends with financial aid, and finally trying to set up a payment plan. It was a miracle, I get into set up my payment plan and find out that I'll only owe the college $349 for my classes next semester. I didn't realize that I only had to fill out FAFSA once a year, so I had some money coming to me. It paid for my tuition except this remaining $349 and my books!

This was great, except that the first payment was due on Tuesday, and I thought I had to pay my speeding ticket Monday. Come to find out I had been reading the ticket wrong. I can't send in the ticket until this next week. I don't understand why it works this way, but it does, and that's fine with me. So that's alright, I don't have to pay the speeding ticket yet, but there's one more problem. I am short $2.13 for my first payment. Literally just $2.13. I suck it up and talk to my dad. Tell him that pathetically enough, I am short $2.13, kicking myself silently for buying a pair of Pomegranate Rock Stars to keep myself conscious while I worked out at Sinnissippi over the weekend on Friday night. Dad says it's not a big deal, he'll transfer a couple of bucks and I'll be just fine. I can pay him back when I get paid on Wednesday. So we're alright, I'm fine. I'm totally drained of all money at all and am still uncertain of where any money will be coming for the next several weeks, but at least this payment is taken care of.

Then, miracle of miracles, yesterday morning at Sinnissippi, a woman hands me a five bill as a tip. I thanked her and stared at it for a long time. I suddenly realized God had just provided me with the money I needed to cover the rest of my tuition bill. But it didn't stop there. The last family of the night came out just before we were closing, and the guys were really helpful to them. We stayed out in the field an extra 20 minutes just to make sure they got there trees and were all set. The last guy that paid handed me $10 and told me to make sure that the guys and I all went and got ourselves something warm to drink. Everyone kept thanking us for staying and telling us how sweet we were to do that. This means I got $7 in tips which completely covers the rest of my bill. I sent that and 3 dollars in change that I found in my car, my purse, and on my dresser. God provided, yet again. I didn't even realize I had any change, let alone that much. One less thing to worry about, thank you, God. :)

One last night, last night I had this crazy dream. This morning Mom was sitting with David and I while we ate breakfast before going to work, and I started telling them about this dream. I said a guy had planted a bomb at this college, and I had a guy friend there who I was trying to find so I could get him to leave with me.

Mom immediately asks, "What did your friend look like?"
I look at her strangely and ask in a real guarded way, "Why?"
She says, "Well I use to dream about your father, long before I met him."
I said, "Mom, I've always had dreams with guys with dark hair, but this guy was blond."
Mom continues, completely unphased by my saying this, "I use to dream about a guy with dark hair and blue eyes. I told of friend of mine that I was going to marry a guy with dark hair and blue eyes, and she thought I was crazy. That was before I'd ever seen your father, before I left to go to OBC."
All I can do is say, "Mom, I don't know who this guy was, but I know it wasn't Jay because he was a shorter guy." In fact, the guy in my dream looked vaguely like the blond guy Rory dated on Gilmore Girls whose name I cannot, for the life of me remember, the rich one. I can't remember the dream guys face though. I know I saw it. Often, actually, throughout the entire dream, but I can't see it in my head. All I can see is his outline and his hair (which, incidentally, I love).
"Jaymin, Aaron has kinda blond hair."
"Mom, isn't Aaron married?"
"I don't know for sure, but you've been at work with him the past couple of day, are you sure it wasn't Aaron?"
"No, I'm pretty sure, after spending all that time with him, that I'd recognize Aaron even in a dream." I thought about it for a moment, "It definitely wasn't Aaron. I don't know if I've ever seen this guy before. I can remember him except I can't remember his face."

I went on to tell them about my 2nd dream too. My mysterious blond friend was in that one too.

Mom just made sure to state again that she dreamed of dad on more than one occasion before meeting him and then, eventually, realizing he'd been the man in all those dreams. Mom's never suggested that this could happen to me, but I always thought those dreams of a guy with dark hair and eyes was the one for me...maybe not. Maybe Mom's on to something. Her dreams didn't start until just a little while before she met dad. *shrugs* Who knows.

Life is so strange. And on that note...I leave you.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

After the Fall (The Best of Intentions)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:06 pm):
  • Italian Sparkling Blood Orange Soda from World Market
  • Terrence's quest for good male friends in this area
  • Chocolate Mint Big Train Coffee Drinks (hot with whipped cream is best)
  • That I will be done with first semester in 2 weeks
  • That I work tomorrow (I NEED the money)
  • Having the occasional brilliant idea
  • A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
  • Seeing I have a new voicemail message from Nikky (which I will listen to as soon as I leave work)
  • Christmas decorations
  • The pleasant and reoccurring daydream where I run around popping those ridiculous blow up Christmas bears and Santas and Reindeer, etc. that people have in their front lawns and then all of The Village holding a parade in my honor because we are finally free from the torment of these commercialized Christmas impostor decorations...bwahaha...*cough*

I was typing an email earlier and realized there was something more to be said. I fall a lot. I don't mean in the physical sense (though I do a lot of that too...I'm clumsy, it happens), but in the sense of my goals. I have all these great plans, goals, and projects, but I never finish them.

I cannot seem to finish projects. The first example of this that always comes to mind is the checker board. My parents were given a checkers set from my Grandma Cheatwood when they got married. She made it herself. The pieces are little hearts and it's completely adorable and checkers were my favorite game for years and years because of this set. (what a poorly constructed sentence, I apologize) My Grandma gave me the pattern so that I could make my own set when I was probably 11. I had every intention of making my own set so that I could keep it forever and have it when I eventually moved out (yes, this was my thought process at 11), and I started it and worked and worked and worked, and eventually...I got bored. I was distracted and frustrated by the amount of time and energy that was needed to complete this simple project. I gave up. A few years later, I learned to cross-stitch. I got a really cute pattern and I intended to finish it so I could frame it and give it to my mother. I worked and worked and worked and eventually, you guessed it, got bored. I was frustrated with the fact I kept making mistakes, but instead of rectifying these mistakes and correcting them, I just gave up.

There are numerous other examples of me doing this. Books I've started writing, cds I've started mixing, piano, guitar, papers, essays, books I'm trying to read, poems, blankets, classes, friendships, keeping my check book balanced, friendships, jobs, etc.

When the going gets tough, as the saying goes, the tough get going. The only problem with this is, they don't say where. I get going, but it has a tendency to be in the wrong direction. Instead of sticking it out and accomplishing something more, I run. I hate the act of running, but I'm real good at doing this in every day situations. If I could change anything about myself, that would be it. I want to be more focused. To be able to stick with one thing till it is accomplished and not let things keep me from accomplishing my goal, even when it gets frustrating or tough.

Again, my questions all come swirling back in a cloud of discontent, and they whisper to me one word: how?

How do I go about accomplishing my goals? How do I learn to change? Or will this, as so many other things before it, become one of the goals I give up in the face of adversity?


I want to change.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Short and Sweet.

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):
  • Mr. Heater (which is a propane heater that has the ability to burn one through one's jeans if one is not incredibly careful)
  • That Aaron lights Mr. Heater for me (because if I tried it explosion and/or death would result for me and possibly any of the guys that happened to be nearby at the time)
  • Literature Resource Center (online no less)
  • Allergy medication that keeps me from feeling like I'm going to die
  • My Fiji water bottle
  • The wireless connection at work
  • My laptop
  • Fingerless gloves
  • My beanie
  • That first semester is almost over
  • Walking up to pay for TGIFriday Sour Cream & Onion Potato skins and finding out they are on sale and getting to The Cheese Shop in time to buy a Blumer's Cream Soda and then getting back to the office to find out there are tangerines in the fridge...Perfect
  • Accomplishing the 4 pages rough draft minimum...

Tuesday, November 20, 2007


Favorite things of this very moment (6:16 pm):
  • My covenant ring
  • That I don't have to go back to Sauk until next Tuesday
  • That I'm only 4 classes away from the end of 1st semester
  • That I am signed up for classes for next semester
  • Orbit Spearmint gum
  • The fact that the library is across the street from my house (and that Mom works there)
  • Fake fireplaces that look give a spectacular ambiance
  • Facebook's Interview application
Mist has officially descended onto the Village and surrounding towns. It makes me think of all those previews for that movie which I believe was uniquely titled "The Mist." Excessively original, but none the less, creepy. This fogginess has got me a little frustrated. It makes travel excessively slow and has severely messed with my otherwise productive plans for the evening. On top of which, it's helped push my mood into this obnoxiously sullen mode. Not very pleasant.

Seeing Shane at school today somehow made me feel a little less small. He wears a t-shirt inside out at least once a week. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that before. I'm not really sure why he does this, and I never can figure out how to properly ask. I don't want to be intrusive, but it's a curious thing to do, especially for a 22 year old young man. It's kind of endearing in a way too simply because it's a little quirky.

I've felt pretty small the past couple days. When you have kept yourself going by thinking, "well, he's in love, or at least thinks he is," only to find out that he's already jumped to the next girl... You realize that you don't really fit in anywhere in the grand scheme of his life or his heart outside of this weird position you've gotten yourself into where you are someone he can have listen to him on the bad days.

But what about the good days? Or when he needs someone to just spend time with, who does he call then? Not you. Nope, those are the days he wants to spend with the new girl.

Which is more confusing because you start wondering if he's been leading a sort of double life for awhile. Here you've thought that he's been alone for so long, but what if he's just been going from girl to girl, just never really been serious about one. What then?

That's when you say to he a fraud? Maybe he's really not as mature as you've thought he was and maybe he has no clue what love or anything close to it really is, and if that's the case, maybe you don't really want anything to do with him at all. And so you become a little disgusted. With him and with yourself for believing in him, but at the same time...

At the same time, you realize just how little you really know about him, and you realize you have a hundred million questions that you'd like to ask him. But you don't know how. Do you call him and tell him that the two of you need to go out for coffee sometime soon or do you just email him your questions, because maybe he'll think you're crazy or maybe he won't be honest, and you know that in the end, your opinion will be the only thing you no for certain is real because you don't have any close friends in common so no one can tell you what's true and what's not.

But you've always believed in him.

And now you're perceptions of him are totally skewed and you're stuck wondering and feeling small in the face of the new girlfriend who graduated from college early and teaches elementary school and wants to go back to get her PhD in Genetics of all brilliant things. Maybe she could win the Nobel Peace Prize and drive a Ferrari while she's at it because the fact that she's caught his attention is apparently already something more than what you can actually do.

At least for now.

And so it feel small. And you feel tired. And you begin to wonder if that toast between yourself and your mother last new year's really stirred the winds of change because although no one died, you're really not sure if this has been a better year and all your affirmations seem to be stretching thin.

*shakes head* Enough of that.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

My Grown-Up Christmas List

Favorite things of this very moment (4:07 pm):

  • The fact that I work at a job where I can play on the computer and no one thinks that's weird or bad
  • My Fiji water bottle
  • Not having to carry a book bag around today
  • Not having school today :)
  • Finding a present for Forrest
  • Sales at World Market (Blood Orange and Pomegranate juices...I'm in heaven)
  • Tape measures
  • Quench hand lotion
  • Finding James Taylor's Christmas CD on sale (Don't laugh, he has a very soothing voice)

I realize it may be a little early (technically) to start talking about Christmas, but as I've already mentioned in my favorites list that I bought the first of the Christmas gifts I intend to purchase, I feel I can skip the typical wait till after Thanksgiving protocol. That being said, I'd like to discuss my Christmas list for this year (both the real and the insane, the possible and the dreams):

  1. Instant weight loss. I would like to lose all the excess weight I have accumulated over the years. I don't know if losing weight can technically be a gift as it is the absence of something, but it would be a gift I would like to give myself. In a magical world I could wish for it to all be gone and for me to be the perfect shaped woman I've always dreamed I'd be, but I know this is reality. Christmas will not see this goal accomplished, but it will have seen the beginnings of change.
  2. Incubus' Alive at Red Rocks DVD. (Hopefully I'll convince David that he can get me this)
  3. Truth serum. I am not kidding. There are so many people I would like to have, just for a little while be completely honest with me. (Ex: Jeff, Jay, David) I think it would be interesting to give myself a little as well and fill out some of those surveys I always have around because I'm sure there are some things that I don't even realize or admit to myself.
  4. The Holiday soundtrack. Yep.
  5. A life plan. To know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to figure this out so that I can actually plan to do something and accomplish it for once. I don't like the fact that I'm overly analytical and second guess myself constantly
  6. A new journal. My old one is almost at an end.
  7. A pass which would allow me to fly wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and take whoever I wanted with me for free. I would be in Ohio constantly. I'd take Saturday classes at ABC. I'd fly all over the world: Greece, Italy, England, Tahiti ("I'd go the whole wide world/I'd go the whole wide world just to find her/I'd go the whole wide world to find out where they'd hide her"), and Hawaii. I'd visit all those spots people always say you should visit, but you never have the money to because you can't afford the plane tickets.
  8. A puppy. Having a puppy would force me to be more active and walk at least a couple of times a day, even if it was cold. Wonderful exercise, new friend.
  9. A Philadelphia Story on DVD. It's still one of my favorite movies, and I still have managed not to buy it.
  10. To fall madly in love. But what's more, I'd like that person to fall madly in love with me to. This person has to be male, believe as I do, want children (even if that means we have to adopt them), read...a lot, intelligent, be musical in some manner (singing, playing an instrument, whatever), gets along with my family AND my friends, and have an amazing sense of humor.
  11. UHF on DVD. I don't have it and it drives me crazy because Forrest and Joel haven't seen it and when I say things like "Badgers, Badgers, we don't need no stinking badgers!" Or "Turtles are Nature's suction cup. Watch!"...they have no idea what I'm talking about and just think I'm crazy (which is not entirely untrue).
  12. My very own sweet party house. With root beer kegs and Nikky as a roommate (this is a MUST). I don't know what more to say about that except that it would be just about the coolest thing in the entire world not to mention very conducive to creativity, insanity, and lots of laughter and pointlessness.

I think that's plenty enough to think about for now though it is no where near the full extent of my Christmas list. Enjoy. And hey, Merry Christmas. Even if that is a month and a half early at this point. :)

Friday, November 9, 2007

Best Friends and Leading Ladies

Favorite things of this very moment (2:19 pm):
  • Getting to talk to Pauline (my friend from Sweden) on IM
  • Warm socks
  • My huge mug/bowl thing that I can put lots of mac & cheese in
  • That Joel's headache went away and that he was able to get his homework done
  • Quick responses to my emails
  • Pictures of William Isaac
  • "The Holiday"

I feel accomplished today. I got my sociology test done, did some shopping for my mom, and now I'm enjoying my down time. I need to finish my American Lit reading, but that's about it. Even more lovely? That I don't have class next Tuesday. I don't really have to do much of anything other than come up with a topic for my final paper until next Thursday. How lovely is that? It's kinda weird thought to just because I haven't had this much down time since starting school in August. Honestly I haven't had any real downtime since August. How nice.

I started thinking way too much on my way back from Dixon today. I don't want to be the best friend forever or the substitute person, but I am. I'm an expert at it. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in this position because I need to be teaching just as much as I have to learn.

Think about it. I am a romantic to the nth degree. I've helped a lot of guys be the best boyfriend they can be. I've been a sounding board for ideas, I've helped plant hints, I've done a lot of errands and been on a lot of crazy shopping trips to help guys find that perfect thing, I've listened to a lot of stories and helped so many guys see where they went wrong. And then of course there is the unavoidable reality that I do all I can to make them all they can be. I've been the best friend of a lot of guys and the first girlfriend for a couple. Each of those times I tried to make sure that wonderful guy knew all the ways he was perfect. That he was hilarious and caring or strong and steady or whatever.

I know I am capable of encouraging and being a help to the people I meet...I just wonder if while I'm being that help...well I wonder if one of the guys I help will come back to me. I just want to know that I will find someone who will be all that I've seen guys are capable of. I've had to let some beautiful souls and wonderful men walk away for one reason or another, and I'm wondering if all of this will come around to me.

I feel selfish for saying that, and needy besides.

I've watched "The Holiday" several times this past week, and the thing that sticks with me isn't all the uber-romantic stuff, but instead that Arthur tells Iris that she's playing the role of the best friend instead of being the leading lady that she truly is. I already know that Iris is easily the most me-like character I've ever found in a movie, so the fact that he says that, it just hits me upside the head with the fact that this is exactly what I'm doing. I'm playing the best friend all the time, but never working on being the leading lady.

Being the leading lady doesn't mean everything falls into place immediately. It doesn't mean that I'll have a line of guys following me around, and it doesn't mean I have to stop being friends with the guys in my life. It just means that I need to get a clue. I need to stop with the moping and stop wasting my time. I need to be me and work on being more comfortable with who I am and doing what God is leading me to do. I need to lead, not to constantly follow. I don't need a guy. I'd like one, but I don't need one. What I really need is to be just fine the way I am. If God wants to add to that, He will, but it's not something I need to be obsessing over (not that it will stop right this moment, because it definitely won't).

It will be just fine. It'll all work out. It can only get better.


Now, I think I'll go start working on being all I can be today, and go from there.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Good News, Bad News

Favorite things of this very moment (6:38 pm):
  • "Flame" by Cheap Trick (which is, incidental the last song I heard and the one that is on repeat in my head)
  • Long replies to short questions
  • Emails from Jay
  • Babies
  • Good voicemails
  • Having an excuse to get off the phone quickly and that excuse being that I have to call everyone in the universe to tell them I have a nephew (notice: NOT niece, nephew!)
I am ecstatic. Lacey and Billy had there little boy. His name is William Isaac. He is 9lbs 7 oz and is 21 inches long! *sigh* I love babies. This means that I have to finally send out his baby blanket tomorrow and that I can go back to Walmart and buy that adorable little Tigger outfit that I wanted so badly to buy recently. This baby is getting spoiled!

Outside of that, I had a particularly long email in response to an incredibly short couple of questions. I was impressed with the length and sincerity of the response. I feel incredibly blessed to know that I mean enough to this incredibly tall person that they want to be honest with me. It leaves me feeling a little achy though...I hope someday someone talks about me like this. To know that someone cares enough...

"Enough games! To the ratmobile!"

And on that note, I'm out.

Friday, November 2, 2007

A Tribute to Pointlessness

Favorite things of this very moment (1:08 pm):
  • Transworld SURF magazine (I got my first issue yesterday and have been reading it ever since)
  • Check it out and download his cd "Word of Mouth" for free. It's actually a pretty sweet cd. (I found him in Transworld SURF because he is well...a surfer. haha)
  • ITunes, despite it's quirks at times. (that and the fact that I still do not own an Ipod....someday...*sigh* haha)
  • My white long-sleeved turtleneck sweater thingy (got me a lot of compliments on Sunday and it really is warm)
  • Seeing David Ortiz on Regis & Kelly this morning (don't even ask why I was watching Regis & Kelly...I really am NOT a fan...but for David Ortiz...)
  • Smiling

I'm doing way too many things at once. I'm trying to write this entry, delete music off Itunes, and email some other friends. Too much thought all at once. I think I'll focus on this first.

I should be reading my homework, but I've been needing a day off from life for awhile, so I'm slow to do anything I don't really want to do. As a result I've done very little outside of laundry, showering, listening to music, and enjoying Transworld SURF. I'm such a dork, but this magazine...fabulous.

I guess there's not much a point to this outside of the list. Forgive me. I don't have a lot of deep thoughts today...I just am in an insanely good mood for absolutely no reason and felt the need to share it. So I think I'll leave you with this fabulous note:

"life-lumps": testicles. Yes...that's what I've learned from reading Walt Whitman. :) I do love his poetry...for so many reasons. haha.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Hey, Hey, Hey it's Halloween!

Favorite Things of this very moment (9:13am):
  • My Boston Red Sox baseball cap
  • The Boston Red Sox
  • Soft Kleenex
  • That today is Halloween, so Harvest Happening is tonight which means soon it will all be over for one more year and November and all it's turkey-osity will begin tomorrow
  • That my boss, Linda baked a bunch of cookies and cupcakes and everything for Harvest Happening's Cake Walk (and she doesn't even go to the church! She's just really sweet!)
  • My Zuni hoodie
  • My Vans
  • Blumer's Cream Soda (which I will be taking with me in my picnic-for-one style lunch this afternoon)

A couple of great things:

1. Obviously the Boston Red Sox swept the series 4 games to none! Lowell got his much deserved MVP award. I mean, come on, the guy stole 3rd in Game 3, had a homer in Game 4, hit beautifully the whole post season, and is an amazing player. Period. Oh, and I've decided that if I write to one of the Red Sox in order to find love and to get married and have him fund my college education, it's going to have to be Dustin Pedroia. He's not classically handsome, but I've seen him in interviews and he's definitely someone I could have a wonderful time with. Now, to start writing that letter...

2. Harvest Happening is tonight. I had several calls last night from people who had decided to make baked goods. We'll have cupcakes, cookies, muffins, dilly pretzels (my favorite), brownies, and all sorts of good stuff. I'm glad too, because on Sunday I was worried we'd have nothing, and now I think we'll probably have MORE than enough.

3. I have lots of help for H.H. now too: Sarah, Jay, Carson, Kayla, Dalene, Zach (Nikky's favorite), Joel, Mom, Cindy, not to mention Ally and Morgan if they can make it. :) We're going to be just fine.

4. It's a beautiful day.

Alright, enough of the lists. I just am excited that things are actually falling into a good place. :) The only bad thing is that I have no idea what kind of silly costume I can put together. I may just have to take my light up fairy wand with me and carry it around in my back pocket and tell small children I'm the tooth fairy or their fairy godmother in disguise. haha. Yeah, lame, I know, but it would totally work out. :)

May Halloween only bring you treats, and no tricks.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It'll All Work Out

Favorite things of this very moment (3:23 pm):
  • My Mom
  • Knowing I get paid tomorrow
  • That I'm done with my 2nd American Lit test and I think I did well
  • That tomorrow is my sleep in day
  • That I own The Holiday (which I'll probably watch before I go to sleep tonight)
  • That I get to watch Joel's concert and eat pancakes for supper tonight

Don't let this fool you, I'm in a horrible mood. Well, that's not entirely true, but I'm not totally stressed out. Life is full of up and downs, and as far as this roller coaster goes, I feel like I'm going down a hill at full tilt. Sadly, unlike how I feel when I'm actually on a roller coaster, this is not exciting. This is just flat out terrifying.

My day wasn't bad. I've been able to focus on my classes, I slept well last night, I woke up easily this morning. I was at school on time, finished my American Lit. test early, and I think I did well. Math wasn't even all bad today.

But then I got to work. I found out that my hours were cut so that I work either Monday or Friday, but not both. Which means I go from 22 hours (which was low, but workable) to 16 hours which means that I choose between putting gas in my car and things like car insurance/phone payments and other necessities. I've been dealing with life on my little bitty salary, and's going to be REALLY hard.

Oh, and did I fail to mention the fact that, today, right after I was told this, I was also told that we may not even stay open. They may close the store. WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE SAY ANYTHING TO ME AT ALL? I'm furious. I'm hurt. I'm brokenhearted right now. And I'm crying again dammit.

I'm sorry. I just...I feel like God's taken away what little security I had left. How rude is it to say that to God? I don't know. I'm glad He loves me because otherwise, He would definitely be gone right now.

I know I'm supposed to trust God, and right now, He's all I've got. I still have a place to live and a car (though I'm beginning to worry if it's going to die on me too) and I'm healthy (in theory at least). I'm so cynical and bitter at times...and I don't want to be. I definitely don't mean to be, it's not my intention, but...

I'm wondering if God is trying to get me to move. Do I need to move? And if I need to move, where will I go? I want to follow His lead, but I don't even see what direction He's pointing. When I said this to my mom (just this last part, mind you) she said that Abram didn't know where God was leading him when he started. She's right, as usual. I just wish she wasn't.

I saw two hawks on the way to work from Sauk. Two. I should've known there was a reason. I just, stupidly, figured it had to do more with me being heartbroken because my tall, handsome musician turned out not be mine at all...apparently it was more than that. Maybe one was for that heartbreak, and the second was for all of this. *sigh*

Now I just need to do a lot of praying, and get some others to pray too.

It'll all work out.

Monday, October 22, 2007

When Dreams Don't Lie

Let's skip my favorite things list for a moment and totally break protocol.

My nightmare was completely accurate (expect for the part about Jeff, and right now, I don't know if I even mentioned that part). "New friend Jenny" is very real. I knew it. He really likes her.

And now for the weirder part, I still can't cry. Not that it's even been 2 hours since I found out about this, but I just can't. I hope he's happy. He deserves all the happiness in the world. He's a good man. A strong man. And I think he's wonderful. I've been praying for him daily, that he would find peace and joy, that if I wasn't the girl for him that God would bring him that girl.

No, I'm not saying that this girl is for sure The One for him, but if she was, that's wonderful. Sure, it means that I'm still here broken hearted, but my time will come. Eventually. I don't ever want to be any one's last resort or 2nd choice. I want to be first. This is important to me, and I don't ever want to do that to anyone else either.

Right now there's a definite void. Very defined. And it's going to be frustrating putting him in a new place in the order of how I think and feel, but I will do it.

As much as I am tired of this place, it's the right one...

And now, to totally mess with everything normal, I shall make a list because this needs to end on a more positive note than me dwelling on being miserable. It would be a lousy thing for me to do.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:28 am):
  • The Internet
  • Real Simple magazine
  • Walks
  • That I can check my email at work
  • Sleep
  • "Here's to the Night" by Eve 6
  • Grapes (which remind me of such silly times and taste oh, so good)
  • My lovely Fiji water bottle
  • The truth (even when it hurts)
I'm out.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Favorite things of this very moment (10:31 am):
  • (It's a Goth name generator...haha. And mine is HORRIBLE!)
  • Being awake
  • Apple Fizz
  • Candy Corn (and in my favorite tiny Tupper Ware container)
  • Books (preferably good ones)
  • Friday (as a weekly occurrence, thank goodness)

I had a nightmare last night. You have to understand, I don't have nightmares. Well, I do, but they are a rare occurrence at this stage in my life, and now they are not always the kind where the bad guy is about to get you...sometimes I wish they were.

It was hard to wake up this morning. I woke up with this horrible feeling that someone was about to give me the worst news of my life, but I shook it off. All I could remember at that point was that I had had this dream where Kayla, Jay and I were talking about going to see Kimmie preach when she comes home in a little over a week. That dream wasn't bad. Jay had said he wanted to come with us even.

And that's when I remembered..."new friend Jenny." In my dream, I had this horrible sense of despair. He showed up at church one Sunday, and there was this absolutely beautiful girl. Perfect looking, long dark hair, she looked like a cross between Jen Welty and Aric's new girlfriend. I knew exactly who she was: NEW FRIEND JENNY. *sigh* As it was during church, it wasn't as if I could run off and cry. It brought back all these horrible memories of Jeff breaking up with me right before church. And weirder than that, in this dream, Jeff showed up. He was at church. I didn't expect it at all, and neither did anyone else apparently. I ran over and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. He did that whole cheesy spin-the-girl-around thing you see in movies when long lost friends/brothers/boyfriends/husbands return and they spin you around. Yeah...and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Jeff was there, but I knew things still weren't the same, he hadn't changed, he was just lonely and new I'd be around, I wanted to cry because the tall blond musician had found someone else, someone so much more perfect than I could ever be, that he had confirmed all my fears, and that I wasn't worth fighting for at all...just like Aric did (I mean, come on, if he had cared, he would have said something!), and I couldn't cry because I needed to be upfront to sing. *sigh*

I thought about this dream while I was getting ready this morning. I was more frightened that maybe it wasn't completely a dream. Sometimes my dreams show me something I haven't been able to put together before, or they confirm and idea, or it's just God's way of saying, "Look's the deal..."

What if it is? What if the despair was real and this has been a waste of my time? All this waiting and waiting and waiting...what if this is God's gentle way of telling me that I'm about to get my heartbroken again? What if "new friend Jenny" is real? I mean, I know she's actually a person, but what if she's winning his heart. What if all of this has been in vain?

I sound like Riley Armstrong's song "What If." Such a good song. I may have to make myself a mix. Something that will try to help me convince myself this is all in my head and that it's going to work out somehow. Or at least that my nightmare won't come true...

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Favorite things of this very moment (9:26 pm):
  • Walden by Henry David Thoreau
  • My flannel sheets
  • The little orange box that's flashing at the bottom of the screen telling me Ben's talking back
  • That Youklis and Ortiz just got home runs back to back
  • Shane checking up on me
  • That I had an 11% higher test score than the class average (57% was my score...yeah...bad)
  • Taylor Swift's self-titled cd
  • The. Sweetest. Mix. Ever. Vol. 2 (Compiled by J for J)

I need a nap and a good cry. I have to work tomorrow, I'm exhausted emotionally, talking to Kyle somehow just seemed to emphasize all the blah, but did (on the upside) remind me that I have wonderful friends. Bizarre, and wonderful.

I really am not a fan of days like this. I've been up and down, up and down. Maybe part of it was the excessive caffeine boost in the Java Monster followed by listening to lots of negative blah followed by talking to Shane followed by BLARING Taylor Swift and singing excessively off-key and loudly and practically crying for no reason followed by work followed by a lot of Thoreau followed by coming home followed by finishing making dinner followed by talking to Kyle followed by wanting to cry for no reason that's worthwhile and being picked on by my Uncles for cheering for the Red Sox (as I have since they were down 3 games in the Pennant in 2003 against the Yankees) followed by checking my email followed by talking to Ben.

I want a Boston Red Sox baseball cap (I'd even take a pink one), more warm milk, and memory foam slippers.

Good night.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Bold as Love

Favorite things of this very moment (1:59 pm):
  • Cool weather
  • Crayons
  • Advice from bartenders (hmm...maybe I should do that)
  • Green post-it notes
  • Pete in "Win a Date with Tad Hamilton"

I've decided that Topher Grace's character in "Win a Date With Tad Hamilton" is probably my favorite character in any movie. I want Pete. He's my hero. He loves Rosie for her details. He's just a good guy. A good friend. He's not perfect, he gets jealous, he has faults, but you know what? He tries. And that's what matters. He stands up for Rosie. He...yeah...

That's the kind of person I want to be. I want to be an amazing friend, and have a huge heart. I want to stand up for the people I love. But most of all, I want a guy to be strong for me, and I want to be worthy of his strength.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

In Repair

Favorite things of this very moment (6:14 pm):
  • The silver and teal thermos that has traveled with me constantly for the past 4 or so years (especially as it is accompanying me tonight while I am trying to write at the library)
  • John Mayer. Enough said.
  • The bright, gorgeous, fiery colors of fall that inspire me
  • People who actually recommend books, and like to talk about them
  • Autumn sunsets
  • Packages from friends
  • Finding a song that can perfectly mirror your heart at a given moment in time
And now, to share the song that is a reflection of my heart:

In Repair by John Mayer

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

It's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could by ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I am in repair

And now I'm walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

It's taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my heart's advice
I should assume it's still unsteady
I'm never really ready
I'm in repair
I'm not together but I'm getting there

This song's me. So very me. I've been reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge, and I really do feel it's showing me what I've been lacking. Every night I read a little bit more and I keep underlining things going, yeah, that's me. That's what my heart looks like! Don't get me wrong, these are not all good things. I've been domineering, I've been manipulative, I have hurt so many people I love and so many others I do not even know...

But, I'm in repair.

I want to be the beautiful woman God has created me to be. I've hidden my heart from so many who deserved to see it and shown it to several who never deserved it and only caused me to believe I had no worth. How could I have done these things?

I've been trying to fill a God-shaped hole with all the wrong things. There's a song by Plum called "God-shaped Hole" (or something close) and it talks about how each of us has a God-shaped hole in our hearts and we know there's something missing. I've been aching for a long time. A slow, dull ache that made me feel so lonely and unloved. And instead of turning to God, I've turned to so many other people and things to try and fill that hole and cover that ache: men, food, money...

None of those things helps. And I've always known that, but I've always been someone who, for one reason or another, has to learn the hard way. This has definitely been one of those times.

I am learning to fill that ache with the only thing that works: God. He is the only one who can fill this ache, and He will repair me. I just have to let him.

Now is a time of joy, I have been shown several of the areas that I have been hurting myself. I have covered up all traces of my femininity, all traces of my beauty, hidden my gifts and feelings, and most of all, I've hidden my true heart. In doing this, I have avoided being the woman God made me to be. This must change.

I am beautiful. I am lovely. I am here for a purpose, and God will see me through.

And so, I'll leave you with the wise words of John Mayer, "I'm in repair, I'm not together but I'm getting there..."

Sunday, October 7, 2007

All You Need Is Love

Favorite things of this very moment (7:35 pm):
  • Good mix cds
  • Ohio State cups full of ice tea
  • That the Colts won this afternoon
  • Talking to Ben & Nate through IM
  • Going to lunch with Jeff & the incredible tall, handsome blond man...
  • Balcony seats for parades
  • Accomplishing anything
  • Having Monday off

This weekend has been lovely. I've had do deal with so many lousy things that honestly, having a weekend with no real responsibilities was been lovely. I didn't even work at the booth...I don't remember a time prior to now that I haven't worked there (well, outside my year at ABC). I needed some time.

Again, I have nothing brilliant to say. I wish I did.

Lunch today...glorious. Nothing but ludicrous comments, good food, and lots of laughs. *sigh* That could not have been better (well unless a certain boy had decided to confess his undying love for me, but that's the only real improvement we could have).

Patience is easily the most frustrating thing to have to learn, but I'm tough. God created me to be strong, but fragile, I am a woman, and though my life is hard at times, I really enjoy it. I just need to appreciate it and be willing to take risks when they need to be taken.

It can only get better.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

To Reinvent

Favorite things of this very moment (6:45 pm):
  • My laptop
  • My long-sleeved white knit shirt that I wear under everything
  • Tall, blond me with glasses who make life incredibly awkward while discussing the swimsuit competition of beauty pageants ("Oh, they'll know...")
  • The fact that no matter what stage we are in or point we are at in our lives, we can always change or reinvent ourselves
  • My covenant ring because it keeps me grounded and reminds me of all that I look forward to and long for (see prior note about tall, blond...)
  • The kindness of strangers (but completely not in the Scarlett O'Hara way)
  • Blowing bubbles with my gum
  • Facebook Virtual Bookshelf

I decided to delete all the books of my facebook virtual bookshelf expect for the ones that I'd read recently. I've already decided that in January, I'm going to delete all the books I have listed and start over. I figure that will show much what I'm reading and make life a little more interesting for me. It's silly and small, but it will keep me entertained. I've always wondered how many books I read in a year, and I figure it's time I check this out. *shrugs*

Bizarrely enough, Kimmieboo and Jereme may be coming up this weekend for AOP. I am strangely nervous about seeing Jereme for the first time in over a year. I get so dumb sometimes. So self-conscious.

Whatever happens, this weekend should be interesting. AOP always is. A lot of people that have grown up here hate it. Mostly guys. It's a craft weekend, so I don't really blame them, but I like AOP for reasons far beyond the crafts. To start there's the Renaissance fair up at the castle and there's the rendezvous out at LOMC. There's GREAT food. Funnel cakes, gyros, walking tacos, cookies. But, my favorite part is the fact that I can walk through this huge group of people and either be invisible or find someone to say hi to every couple steps. I feel safe in this giant surge of people. It's a very strange feeling, but I really enjoy it.

I wish you could legitimately give surveys to people who fascinate you without it seeming creepy. There are so many things I would love to know about people, but I never feel like I have a good way of asking. Simple things like favorite colors, movies, books, foods...I always feel silly asking. But I want to know. I always want to know. There's always something more to learn about others and I'd love to know it.

And how often are we asked questions like this and we completely blow them off? Or we try to answer them and then realize that they really don't care? That they just wanted a way to bring up a topic so they could tell you all about what they think without ever actually listening to your answer...

I don't want to be like that either. I want to learn and to be learned about. I want to be sought out, fascinating to someone else.

Eh, eventually. Well, enough of my rambles!
Good night.

Monday, October 1, 2007


Favorite things of this very moment (15:02 pm aka 3:02 pm):
  • Ella Fitzgerald
  • Captivating by John & Stasi Eldredge
  • Real mail
  • Knowing this weekend is going to be great
  • Crocheting blankets, especially this one because it's for a little boy I just can't wait to greet after he enters this world. *smiles*
  • Ellipses
  • Having the order for Harvest Happening figured out finally and having it be right about half my budget, so there's plenty of cushion in case we still need things later on
  • Tall, blond guys with glasses who play guitar, write their own music, and have wonderful voices (well really, there's just one that's my favorite, but let's not name names)

Things that are truly frustrating to me as of this very moment (15:04 pm aka 3:04 pm):

  • Military time on the computer (I keep changing it, and it keeps going back...grr)
  • The fact that my old softball softball injury is aching because of the weather changing
  • My hands are already starting to dry out
  • "new friend Jenny"....
  • Allergies
  • Sleeping, but still feeling tired
  • Instant pudding not being NEARLY instant enough...geez (do NOT use soy milk...apparently this causes it to go from "instant" to "eternal" or at least to "maybe-tomorrow-if-you're-lucky" pudding. Jeepers.)
Nathaniel Hawthorne short stories everyone should read:
  • Young Goodman Brown
  • The Black Veil
  • The Birth Mark

Favorite songs as of Today:

  • "The Lady is a Tramp" by Frank Sinatra
  • "Stay With Me" by Finch
  • "Girl, I Wanna Lay You Down" by Zach (from Jack Johnson's band)
  • "Solid as a Rock" by Ella Fitzgerald
  • "Like the Angel" by Rise Against
  • "Hopeless" by Train
  • "On Call" by Kings of Leon
  • "Makes Me Wonder" by Maroon 5

Alright, enough of these crazy lists. I don't have anything helpful, encouraging or revealing to say today. I just...well, I like lists. bwahaha.

Saturday, September 29, 2007


Favorite things of this very moment (1:51 pm):
  • The feeling of accomplishment from finishing Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
  • Superpoke! on Facebook
  • Eyeliner
  • Spending money on things I don't really need
  • Soft yarn
I have spent my morning (which was melded into my afternoon) thinking. Thinking too much. Over analyzing. Wanting to cry, but finding no tears. Feeling the need to throw up constantly. Fighting that dull, slow, horrid, wretched, completely miserable ache that I thought I'd finally been able to shake forever. Why I was stupid enough to believe that, I do not know.

I'm trying to convince myself that either: a) This girl means nothing. This "new friend Jenny" means absolutely nothing. Or b) That he means nothing to me.

B is total bull. TOTAL bull.

"A" on the other hand..."a." I can do nothing to prove anything about "a." I don't know if I even want to. Maybe I should remain delusioned. I mean, how long did I really think he was going to go on like this? No one should have to be alone for long. And he's been alone for about 3 or so years. Then again, so have I. Dang it.

And what do we have to show for these things? Nothing. Heartache. Lots and lots of heartache. I have more rejection than anyone should normally be able to cope with. So I'm being over-dramatic. So sue me. I don't care right now. I'm just hurt.

To be honest, I'm angry. I feel hopeless and this annoys me. I know things will work out. I know that I should trust in God because He's got this worked out somehow.

I'm angry because if he's not the right guy, I may have let the right guy get hurt by this point. I might have hurt him and lost a very valuable chance, but eh...

No regrets, dang it.

And how can I fight for him? I want to fight for him. But how can I do that? I don't now this "new friend Jenny." I don't know who she is or her intentions. I don't even know his intentions for sure at this point, so it's kind of irrelevant, but still...You're supposed to be able to fight for the ones you love. There I said it. LOVE. But I really don't even want to say that. Because if I can't keep him forever, I don't want to give him a word that exerts more power and importance than anything else at all...

I'm losing my mind. Or am I? bwahaha. Sorry, I had to throw that in there. Somehow, you just have to lighten the mood.

"Still don't have a reason..." *dances incredibly badly around the library*

And I'm off...

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Morbid Daydreams, Road Construction, but I'm Not on Drugs...

Favorite things of this very moment (9:06 pm):
  • Casino Royale ...oh Daniel Craig, how wonderful you are
  • Portable cd players with wonderful outer noise eliminating headphones
  • Incubus. Yes, glorious Incubus. Brandon Boyd, your voice will never cease to make me feel better about all that is life...
  • The concept of relationship evaluations (monthly, possibly even weekly)
  • dry, comfy, soft socks
  • Fiji water bottles filled with water from my handy-dandy fridge
  • Nathaniel Hawthorne's short stories (Nikky, you need to read "Young Goodman Brown" and tell me what you think of it)

I got caught in the most ridiculous construction annoyance ever on the way home today. I thought they would be done for the day because it was a little after 5 (usually they're gone), so I drove home on the main road. Big mistake. I got past all hope of turning around and suddenly was confronted with 3 miles of construction, being followed by a homicidal maniac (at least that's how all his weaving in and out of traffic in a completely stupid reckless matter made him seem) in a large green truck, with the smell of fresh tar filling the air. Ugh.

I called Jay and warned him to go out of town literally anyway but the normal route of taking 64 because, I told him, he didn't want to get stuck in the most retarded traffic crazed area EVER. I disgusted myself in the way I sounded incredibly valley girl meets

When I got home I kept hearing Dad's box go off. All sorts of accidents or something today. All I could think was, what if he gets into one of those accidents on the way home. Will they announce that there is a 24 year old really tall blond guy in need of an ambulance? "He's about 5'18", keeps saying something about how a girl told him to come this way instead of the normal way, says he hates her and wishes she could see him bleeding all over the road. I think he said *pauses and the operator can hear mumbling from injured individual in the background* Yes--he said he wants to talk to Jamie, wait *pauses again mumbling gets louder*--he said Jaymin. Hey, isn't that the name of one of the EMTs's daughters. Better call their house, see if someone can get ahold of her...*lowers voice* Wouldn't want the poor guy to have to lose the opportunity to say goodbye..."

I'm not going to go any further with that...Good grief, I'm morbid this week. Dave Eggers is starting to infiltrate my already overly-analytical, cynical mind. After I finish reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius I'm going to have to read something really light and fully of silliness. The books is gorgeous and glorious, but I am definitely going to need something non-committal after this.

Yeah...and on that note: good night.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Eternity In Every Moment

Favorite things of this very moment (9:59 pm):
  • Blank cds
  • The Beck mix cd I just made (so far so good, I don't know if I like Beck or not yet...)
  • Craft ideas in Family Fun magazine
  • Jay's rants on text messaging's uselessness all the while he is text messaging people...haha
  • When the moon takes up half of the sky
  • The trailer for Across The Universe
  • Glasses of ice tea...glorious

Why is that life doesn't come at you in easy to swallow pieces? It all seems to attack you at once. I remember once there was a Zits comic strip where Jeremy was being attacked by ducks that were each telling him something else he needed to deal with...that's me. My life is being nibbled away by ducks. Although, I gotta say, picturing it like that makes me laugh a little.'s been a LONG few days. Oh, and our freezer decided to die. The big one. So Mom and I had to find a way to get everything into the smallish upstairs freezer. Lovely. My mom is having a really horrible week. Which makes me a bit weird...and hence the return of escapist tendencies.

The end of this week cannot come soon enough.

Your Eyes

Sometimes I like to look deep into his eyes for minutes at a time. Sadly these eyes aren’t really looking back at me like I so often wish they were, but rather, staring out of a picture into a void where I am not. They simply stare into the lens of the camera…but on nights like this, it’s enough to fool me.
He has beautiful eyes, this boy. I should call him a man, but we’re still so young. In fact, he once told me he hoped he never really was looked at as completely grown up. He felt it was important to stay young. I agree with him, our innocence, ideals, and love should never grow old, but I can’t say I always want to be seen as a child. Not, of course, that this was what he meant, but…
Like I said, he has beautiful eyes. They are laughing eyes. The kind of eyes that always seem so kind and gentle and full of mirth. It overflows into his smile. I’m glad his eyes have this expression to them. It makes him so much more approachable and wonderful. Some people have beautiful smiles that never reach into their eyes and it’s this silence, this complete lack of emotion that makes them seem dead. As if part of their soul was missing. People with eyes like that terrify me, but not him…no, he has beautiful eyes.
It’s like that Peter Gabrielle song, Your Eyes:

Love, I get so lost sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand façade so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway
In your eyes
to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired, working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you, to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand façade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorways to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution
In your eyes
of all the fruitless searches
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes

I get so lost in his eyes. They fascinate me. I get so lost in them. In their possibilities. I look forward to every moment I know I will spend with him whether he is that excited or not. His energy and joy and laughter, they renew me. Knowing I will see him soon drives me toward my goals.
He is the “resolution to all the fruitless searches.” He could be the One. The One. This possibility scares the living daylights out of me, but I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my own longing for it to be true. I want it to be him. So badly. I want him to be the resolution. The answer to my lonely nights and days.

But in a moment, this is all gone. No matter how long or how hard I look into your eyes, it doesn’t change the fact that that your beautiful eyes aren’t looking into mine. They never really knew me at the time the picture was taken. The picture was taken before I was part of your life, and as much I’d like believe, new pictures don’t see me any clearer.
I look into your eyes and realize that there is nothing there to mirror this desire. Instead, there’s a hunger and I know you’re still searching. And I remember that this is not mine to choose. I’m waiting, and the real question is…will I ever get to look into your eyes and see the love I have reflected back to me?

But those eyes…

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Angel of Death

Favorite things of this very moment (7:16pm):
  • Learning to risk falling hard
  • AIM and its incessant blinking orange
  • Nikky's fabulous ability to describe things
  • Knowing prayer works
  • Pomegranate & Lemon-aid mints: Restore
  • The concept of a cocoa spa
Today, I feel like the fricking Angel of Death. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of death. I am tired of people around me, that I love dearly dying. Grandpa Thomas, both great-grandpas, little Jenny, Heather, Zuni, and Aunt Maxine....and now, dang it...what about Grandma. She could be gone at any time. She's 88 years old and not healthy, but I'm unwilling to lose her.

As selfish as it may sound...I want her to be alive to see me get married. Or at least engaged. I always figured Grandma would be the person to tell me I'd found the one...She would know. Just like she knew when Mom found Dad.

Then again, I always figured Zuni would be there to tell me I'd found a keeper. To tell me that this one treated me right, that he could see it in the guys eyes...this was the one for me. But he's gone too...

And what about Tyler? I barely have gotten to know him. He's too young. Too innocent and wonderful and full of life. All I can do is pray and pray and pray...I want him healed. And quickly...

Death, you ARE my enemy. I refuse to believe that you have an part in God. I refuse to believe that God kills any one. He restores and protects, but you are Satan's best friend. I refuse you. Do you hear me, Death? I REFUSE! You will not trap me into fear. I will not fear you because, I am going to win. I will fight you, and in the end, God will cast you out. Forever, you will not touch my forever. You will not put your shadowy fingers on the arms of the people I love will be trampled. I am looking forward to that day with everything in me. I hope it comes soon. Very soon.

Sorry for how morbid this all's been a long day.
It will get better. It will.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I Can Move You Like An Earthquake

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (7:27 pm):
  • In This Diary which is a mix I made Mr. Laurent
  • Ice tea in a tall Ohio State cup
  • "Don't Move" by Butch Walker...this song pretty much makes everything worthwhile
  • Uncertainty that also moves toward hope

I took a nap for about a half hour earlier. It's been an eternal day somehow, and I feel like it's been more like a whole week than just one day.

When I woke up this morning, I bribed myself with Jay. Telling myself that I would get to see him at church which was just one more reason I should wake up, that and the fact that sunshine was streaming in my window looking very inviting.

I couldn't eat breakfast because my adrenaline level was already so high that I was jittery. I had the mix for him in my purse, and that's all I could think of.

By the time Jay actually came into the church, I couldn't stop smiling. It was like my heart had overridden my common sense, kicked everything into overdrive and I was pretty much feeling like no matter what happened it could only end in good.

After practice, I handed him the mix and walked off before he could say anything else. He looked very surprised.

Church pretty much flew by. It was beautiful. I tripped Kayla on accident in front of a bunch of people and yet no one seemed to notice which was hilarious. We sang "Blessed Be Your Name," and for whatever reason, it totally broke my heart singing it. Memories I had successfully mastered were suddenly there. They were just floating around in my head and I couldn't stop crying. The amazing thing, I think, was the fact that I wasn't the only one crying and none of us felt bad about it. No one questions tears during that song. Never. And I am GLAD.

After church Jay thanked me for the mix twice and reminded me that he would have my mix done soon.

The real question is...will he see it for all that it is? Or will it just blow by, again.

I guess we just wait to see where it goes from here.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Oh Let Me Tell You a Story

“But I know about art and love, if only because I long for it with every fiber of my being.”
- Toulouse-Lautrec, Moulin Rouge

Some nights all I can do is wonder. A lot of it comes from the simple fact that I am tired, but also is partially because I can feel the loneliness trying to knock me down again.
Solitude seems to be something I slink back into far too often lately. I’ll spend half my evening with my family only to retreat to the sanctuary of my bedroom to play songs that only make the situation more obvious.

“She’s hiding.”
“No, she said she was writing something. You know, working on one of those projects of her’s.”
“I still think she’s hiding. Something is wrong.”
“Oh, you worry too much. She needs the quiet to think.”

My bedroom door is right off the living room and it does nothing to dispel the noise coming from the TV. This is why music can often be heard blaring from my room at any one point in the day. It’s all I can do to keep myself sane and finish a thought.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with my family watching TV and hanging out in the living room. On the contrary, it’s comforting to hear them out there. It means that I’m not alone…

I am tired. All I can do is think of him. I’m so tired of thinking only about him. Sometimes the music subdues the thoughts, but usually, as it’s doing tonight, it just elevates the issue.
He’s a musician. In each song, I can hear him singing, and in each song, I am singing to him. I can make anything become a song from me to him.
We sang together once. At a camp. He had been asked to lead the songs during the nightly campfire, and I knew the songs all by heart. Our voices blend so beautifully. He has a gorgeous tenor voice that is smooth as silk, but can drop down low to make each word stick in your mind. It makes me want to melt. I know if it ever is directed at me, I won’t be able to resist it.
Did I mention he plays guitar? That he writes his own music? He does. Right now he’s waiting for the mastered cd to be completely finished. All the artwork, the copies, everything…I get one of the first copies of the cd. He seemed surprised that I would want one, and I was surprised he didn’t know that I would want one.
I hang on his every word. Tell him how much I enjoy his music, his voice, everything. What more do I need to say?

Nights like this tend to break my heart. One more night without a phone call.
I asked him if he wanted to hang out with me sometime this weekend. Alright, so I sent this invitation via email, but still…
But if he called…what would I do?
I would instantly agree to any plan he would want to make. A movie? Great. Walk around town? Wonderful. Midnight trip to Walmart? My favorite. Tap dancing on BBQ’s? Splendid, I couldn’t love anything more.
And then the panic would start.

I’ve never had much experience in the arena of dating. To me, it seems a lot like being thrown to the lions, and if, by the grace of God, you are lucky enough to find an angel…you are the lucky one.
How does it all work? How am I supposed to keep up a conversation for the entirety of a date? Do you hold hands? As the woman, am I supposed to allow him to initiate any form of affection? Or do I reach for his hand during the movie?
And how do you know if it’s a date anyway? Any more, he could just want some company because he’s bored. Do I need to have him flat-out tell me that we’re on a date? Or is it simply implied because I personally need a flat-out explanation.

I’m ashamed to do it, but I have to quote Dr. Meredith Grey of Grey’s Anatomy because I find this quote to pretty much exactly sum it up:
Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.

I can’t decide what I am more scared of: him wanting me or him rejecting me.

I want him to want me. I need him to need me. I’d love him to love me…err. Sorry, it’s just that Cheaptrick really perfect sometimes. Those words totally apply right now. I do want him. And more than almost anything else, I want him to want me too.
Like I said before, I’m scared of him too. Let me try to better explain: he’s fricking perfect. Alright, that’s not true, but he does fascinate me and I’m just afraid that he’s going to realize, I’m really not. I’m just a girl who loves bright colors, but only wants to wear black. Who constantly fights with her weight, but never seems to win. A girl who loves to read books, but has yet to successfully finish any of her writing projects. Who aspires to be something great, but still hasn’t decided what avenue is necessary to attain greatness. I am still discovering me. Could I actually create a curiosity in him?

On the other hand, rejection is what I am expecting. I realize a defeatist attitude is not a healthy one to carry in life, but my luck in love has been slim. I am nothing like the girls he has dated before. They’ve all been beautiful, petite, skinny women. I am not them.
The last girl he liked, well, she is my best friend. Another gorgeous, skinny girl with a spectacular sense of humor, strong beliefs, and an incredibly generous nature. He started calling her every night just to talk. He is incredibly shy. We knew he liked her. He never had a chance to actually ask her out, she was already seeing someone else. He just hadn’t found out yet.
He doesn’t call me.
Okay, so he does call me. But only when he’s not going to make it to something. Then I am like his version of a sick note or an excuse slip. I guess I can’t complain, he calls me first, but I could really use a phone call of another sort.
With this lack of any real evidence towards the contrary, I believe there is a good chance I am headed straight for heartbreak yet again.

I don’t care anymore.
That may not exactly be the right way to characterize it. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that, well, if heartbreak is on the way, so be it. He’s amazing. I enjoy spending time with him, and as long as I have that opportunity, I’m going to take it. Who knows, maybe attitudes will change.
Besides, every time I pray about it, God sends me word: WAIT. I don’t know what I’m waiting for, but I know that I’m to wait. Which is fine. I’ve got time. I need to be praying for God to keep me strong and patient. These lonely nights are the hard part because I’m still not sure what I’m waiting for.
But hey, it can only get better. Right?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Covers All Manner of Sins

Favorite's list of this very moment (10:39 pm CST):
  • The orange vanilla candle which inspired the "cake" sentiment of earlier in the evening.
  • Love Actually
  • Finally figuring out what to put on that 2nd mix for Mr. Laurent
  • Just opening Gmail and realizing that I have an email from said Mr. Laurent with notice that he's not dead and a request to fetch him the Death Star, the number 9, and four bags of raw flour
  • Fire
  • The gloriously cool breeze coming through the window next to the computer
  • Terms like "covers all manner of sins"
Yes, this is the 2nd entry of the day. The story is something I was working on tonight. I hadn't written a story in God only knows how long and it felt like the right timing. Pretty glorious actually. There might be more to it. I haven't really decided yet.

The mix is actually going to be the next one I make. The name will stay the same. There may be one more song added, but we'll see. I'm debating. It's a good mix though. Muy obvious and lovely.

I extended a lame email invitation for Mr. Laurent (formality sounds lovely this evening as does the word "lovely") to join me at any point during the weekend if he so desires.

I went to a block party this evening. I'd never been to one, and my mother wanted to go. Oddly enough, it was at Pine Crest Community, which happens to be a nursing home and assisted living community. They are building a community center which includes a rather large auditorium, coffee house, and wellness center (among other things). I was actually pretty impressed. Although, there was no bingo and I was really hoping to win some money (not that this would have been possible since winning any form of game is nearly impossible because I lack all killer instinct--unless of course it comes to someone messing with my friends, family or the man I adore...). So much for that. I did get to eat bananas foster. Quite tasty.

I'm kind of disappointed in rereading this. No real interesting anything...except for that bit about Mr. Laurent. Such a lovely man.

Good night nurse.


She said she didn'tcare. She was trying to fool herself. Why should she care? He wasn’t going to. Or at least it sure didn’t seem like he would. Maybe she should ask, but no, no she couldn’t do that. She didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him.
Maybe it wasn’t even that. Maybe she was just afraid. She didn’t really want to know. Somehow, maybe it was better this way. This not knowing had its advantages. After all, if she didn’t know he disliked her, she could always hope. On top of which, wasn’t it his job to make the first move? He was the guy after all. Maybe it was time he stepped up to the plate and took a swing. She felt like she’d been doing all of it. She made mix cds, she left him notes, she made him laugh, she checked on him when he was sick, she encouraged him. He seemed grateful for her friendship. Seemed to enjoy her company…but nothing was ever said.
Sure he’d made her a mix cd and came to hang out with her when she asked, but it only seemed to be in groups. Was he scared of her? If only the songs on the mix had really meant something. If only they hadn’t just been songs by bands he loved. She wondered if he had realized that her mix cds were like letters. Each song chosen carefully and only for him.
Maybe it was just as well. Maybe he was meant to have someone better. Someone prettier, more musical, talented, perfect. That’s what he deserved anyway…perfection.
She sighed to herself. She went through the familiar list: believes in God, good with kids, was an amazing singer, played and wrote his own music, funny, handsome in a casual wonderful way, brilliant, accomplished…yes…he was perfection. She found herself sighing yet again praying God would provide her with some obvious direction. All she wanted was to know if she was crazy for sticking around so long.

He said he didn’t care. He was trying to fool himself. Why should he care? She surely wasn’t going to. She was just treating him like all her other friends. Right? The emails, checking up on him, always noticing when something was different, telling him she liked his new songs. Wasn’t that something she would do for anyone?
And what about the mix cd he’d made her…Hadn’t she realized he wouldn’t do that for just anyone. That she was special. He’d spent several months working on that mix. Each song specifically about her. Each of them secretly whispered his longing, his love.
Didn’t she see the look in his eyes? That he meant each and every word he said to her. That in each and every sentence he was trying to tell her.
He loved the way she laughed. It was so free and so frequent when he was around. His friends believed she cared, but he couldn’t believe it. Wouldn’t she have told me how she felt? Written me a note or something. She’s was such a brave girl…
He sighed and stared at the dark ceiling of his room. Just praying God would give him an answer before he went crazy. What was he going to do?

She looked at the clock. It was flashing 1:37 AM in the most blindingly obnoxious fashion. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. She could sleep in…well if she got any sleep at all she could sleep in, but she wasn’t holding out much hope anymore.
She got out of bed and grabbed her laptop. Sitting in her overstuffed chair staring at a blank screen would have to help at least a little bit. Maybe an answer would come while she was typing. She’d find the perfect words, or at least words that would help express her feelings.
Let’s be realistic, she thought. There’s no way I’m going to come up with the perfect words. She opened iTunes and starred at it. Another mix was going to have to happen. It was really the only way to say anything anyway…always through the words of others. I’m such a coward, she thought and started finding songs.

He was pacing again. He had been laying in bed for over an hour and had finally given up any hope of going to sleep. He replayed the evening over in his head again.
They went out bowling with some friends. He always made sure he would be there if they went out in a group. He wished he had the nerve to hang out just with her, but he was really sure he would say something stupid or embarrassing. He couldn't bear the thought of her deciding she didn't want to be around him anymore. Why take the chance? But she had spent most of the evening by his side. Always realizing when it was his turn before he did. She even tucked his tag in. How did she always notice these things? Such insignificant details, but she always did. He loved this about her.
Another friend of there’s had tried to teach her how to bowl. He could tell this embarrassed her, so he hadn’t said anything. Just remembering to comment when she did a good job. Tried to make her laugh. Thanked her when she reminded him it was his turn, when she picked the lint off his shirt, and talked to her whenever he could.
He was getting pretty good at keeping their conversations going. She never seemed thrown when his topics didn’t flow. And she would actually answer his questions with honest sounding answers. She was amazing.
He thought she was wonderful. Everything about her. She was perfect.
He picked up a notebook and his guitar. At least all the angst is good for something, he thought.

There, she thought. It’s done. She stared at the list on her screen:

In This Diary mix:
Faith – George Michael
If Only She Knew – O.A.R.
In This Diary – The Ataris
You Really Got Me – Van Halen
That Thing You Do – The Wonders
Stay With Me – Finch
Waiting – Jimmie’s Chicken Shack
Your Winter – Sister Hazel
Quitter’s Never Win – Jonny Lang
On Call – Kings of Leon
Reckless – Better Than Ezra
Kiss On – Tyler Hilton
Southern Girl – Incubus
Brass Bed –Josh Gracin
Waiting in Vain – Bob Marley
Don’t Move – Butch Walker
Questions – Jack Johnson
Sparks – Coldplay

You can’t be much more obvious than that. She hit the burn button and made two copies. She knew she would need to be reminded of this bit of recklessness on a regular basis for awhile. If he didn’t catch on, at least she would have been able to get some of those feelings out of her head. But what if he does catch on? The thought paralyzed her. No, no looking back. This needs to be said. Even if this is the only way I can do it…