Saturday, September 29, 2007

Stoic

Favorite things of this very moment (1:51 pm):
  • The feeling of accomplishment from finishing Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
  • Superpoke! on Facebook
  • Eyeliner
  • Spending money on things I don't really need
  • Soft yarn
I have spent my morning (which was melded into my afternoon) thinking. Thinking too much. Over analyzing. Wanting to cry, but finding no tears. Feeling the need to throw up constantly. Fighting that dull, slow, horrid, wretched, completely miserable ache that I thought I'd finally been able to shake forever. Why I was stupid enough to believe that, I do not know.

I'm trying to convince myself that either: a) This girl means nothing. This "new friend Jenny" means absolutely nothing. Or b) That he means nothing to me.

B is total bull. TOTAL bull.

"A" on the other hand..."a." I can do nothing to prove anything about "a." I don't know if I even want to. Maybe I should remain delusioned. I mean, how long did I really think he was going to go on like this? No one should have to be alone for long. And he's been alone for about 3 or so years. Then again, so have I. Dang it.

And what do we have to show for these things? Nothing. Heartache. Lots and lots of heartache. I have more rejection than anyone should normally be able to cope with. So I'm being over-dramatic. So sue me. I don't care right now. I'm just hurt.

To be honest, I'm angry. I feel hopeless and this annoys me. I know things will work out. I know that I should trust in God because He's got this worked out somehow.

I'm angry because if he's not the right guy, I may have let the right guy get hurt by this point. I might have hurt him and lost a very valuable chance, but eh...

No regrets, dang it.

And how can I fight for him? I want to fight for him. But how can I do that? I don't now this "new friend Jenny." I don't know who she is or her intentions. I don't even know his intentions for sure at this point, so it's kind of irrelevant, but still...You're supposed to be able to fight for the ones you love. There I said it. LOVE. But I really don't even want to say that. Because if I can't keep him forever, I don't want to give him a word that exerts more power and importance than anything else at all...

I'm losing my mind. Or am I? bwahaha. Sorry, I had to throw that in there. Somehow, you just have to lighten the mood.

"Still don't have a reason..." *dances incredibly badly around the library*

And I'm off...

2 comments:

nikkyrowell said...

The "still dont have a reason" and dancing badly around the library, was the best thing I've read today...very nice. Made me laugh.

I have one word to describe all of this:

AAAAHHHHHHHAAAHHHHHHDAMMIT!

Yes. That is my word.

I think we should just take her. Regardless, just a friend or no, take her out of the picture completely. Lets see, we'll need a crow bar, a tub of crisco, and zippo lighter shaped like a unicorn.
(room service has become a way of life)

nikkyrowell said...

that was supposed to be "take her OUT" by the way, not just take her...that implies something completely different of which I want no part of.