Tuesday, July 19, 2016


There comes a point when I feel selfish asking for prayer. You want to know what the deepest desire of my heart is? To have a man in my life that will let me invest all my love in him who will pursue my heart. 

No, I'm not done no online dating anymore. I don't think I could do it again. I just found out this past week has that one of the other guys (beyond the Thibault fiasco) I was trying to talk to was a fake account as well. As a person who's big issue is trust, somehow this kinda destroys my abilit to think online dating is an option. 

The fact that my closest friends all keep trying to tell me that sex isn't really all that great isn't really helping much these days either. I don't care. I don't care if you don't really like sex. I don't care. You at least have the option, and you have another human being that finds you desirable. The last couple times a guy has claimed I was desirable it was only in a vain attempt to try to seduce me by making incredibly crude suggestions without knowing anything about me. Pass. I may have the sex drive of a 17-year-old boy, but at least I also can say no. I would like sex, but within the context of a marriage to someone who believes I am the only one they want to choose till the end of time. 

I have been alone for 11 years now. Parts of it have been spent waiting on various men or pursuing them, but nothing has really come from this other than a few more cuts and one pretty dang deep scar. I spend a lot of time cheering on other people's hearts and convincing them to be brave. I don't want anyone else to feel hopeless or alone. 

People tell me to say WHEN I get married. Not if, WHEN. But when you're halfway through a week where you've got $21 till payday, your check engine light on (but you keep forgetting to call the shop), a heatwave but no AC, an ex who you just found out is now in porn (and is super upset that you found out), a new job to find, a move to figure out, and on and on...makes me wonder if being alone is better. Why would anyone want to be pulled into the messy, fluid, wandering life I've created. 



Friday, July 15, 2016

Change Again

Today was my first day back after being in Ohio for a little more than a week.  Part of me is surprised I made it back.  My mom told me she honestly thought I'd come home, turn in my 2 weeks notice, pack up and leave.  Leaving my godsons, my best friend, my sister and my niece...those were some of the hardest things ever.

My life is about to change again.  I'm a little terrified beyond all reason, but I think it's time I take a step out of the dang boat and let God catch me if I start sinking.  I feel a little like a shark.  If I don't keep moving, I'm gonna die.  I'll just wither, and I'm already starting to feel pruny.

So here's to 2nd or 17th or whatever chances.  To moving on and forward and facing fear as best I can and trying to lean hard into God and trust that this will work out somehow.


Now, on an unrelated note, a list of my favorite things of this very moment (9:28 CST):

  • Ghostbusters (the original, but I'm looking forward to seeing the new one quite soon)
  • Finding out that I actually get Sunday off, so I'll get to be in church!  Woo!
  • Going through pictures from my trip and looking at my munchkins
  • Mulligan insisting that she be wherever I am every moment since I've gotten home from work
  • Moments where I think I might just figure out some kind of flirting after all (ha)
  • Putting my order in for 2 t-shirts my brother created!
  • Actually being tired and potentially being able to go to sleep here very soon