Thursday, October 31, 2013

(63) Find Home

I don't want to be
packing up boxes & heading out
headed north or headed south
I just want to put down boxes
& pull up my flag
& be able to say
This is home

(62) Be Happy

It's odd when you realize
your similarities are differences
& even though you had to walk--
No run--
doesn't mean everyone does

& maybe if you'd just be honest--
you needed the time,
you needed to matter--
this could be different

because there's nothing wrong
with wanting to be happy
You just need to stop forgetting that

(61) Lights

Sometimes long days
turn into long nights
No light ahead,
no end in sight

I will not give up
though the tide
turns against me
because there is still
love & there's light shining somewhere

I hold to my faith
that these dreams 
do come true
because it matters to me
& they'll shine for you too

(60) Sick Day

About a million Kleenex later
some DayQuil & all
Still not feeling better
sneezing, but hopeful
my aim is off, but tissue is soft
& a good nights sleep should help
Here's to hoping anyway

(59) Paths of Progress

My mind keeps reminding me
like a panic button, an alarm,
that the next stage of life
new change
is fast approaching
& I look around this room
& I know I have not a clue
what I'm doing

Is this when I become an adult
or am I just getting points
for progress?
This isn't to say
that this isn't my path
but rather that I'm not sure how to walk it
Do I run?
Or should I amble?
Maybe just change it up as I go
I know I'll over think it, 
but you never know

My hope is just to find
steady hands along the way
& friends that,
even when I stumble,
will always, always stay

So I'll take another deep breath
& start another day
packing up & visiting
those I love along the way
Because though this is all crazy,
it will all work out fine
You'll be fine
It will all be okay

(58) Some Nights

Some nights
there are no words to write
& none of the words rhyme
& all I have is time 

(57) Rainbow

Few things in life
make you feel so alive
as being acknowledged
by your favorite author
anyone who paints
--truly paints--
a picture with words,
who can summon those feelings
in just one short sentence
to awaken the cathartic flood
of my deep & lonely soul
it's a pleasure beyond belief
& makes me strive for new dreams
in hopes that someday
in the not so distant future
someone will be falling in love
with my words too

Thursday, October 24, 2013

(56) Dive

There's a funny falling feeling
when you're looking at the edge
I inch forward & see
this whole vast wide future
staring up at me
the colors & the winds
stirring up my hopes & dreams
tugging my heart
& pulling me closer to the ledge

Here's where I learn to fly
spread my wings,
deep breath,
& dive

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

(55) Future & Hope

Sometimes I see you
You show up at work 
You're the extra sweet guy with
the kind eyes & dark hair

Sometimes you're the one good comment on my blog
the guy that sent me a book
& asked "How is your heart?"

You're the one who shows up 
in my favorite dreams 
the one who wraps his arms around me
& misses me when we've apart

You are the hope
I still have
of a future waiting
& someone to come home to
Who is coming home to me

(54) To Action

No more talking. 
Stop comparing your life
to everyone else. 
You're you. Not anyone else. 
Stop talking. 
Stop thinking. 
Do it. Just do it. 
To action. 

(53) So it Begins

I walk into this room
I eye the cheerful mess
the weird balance of color 
the quotes written out on the walls
& I realize this is home
a home I'm going to leave

Sure I'm off for adventures
& this move is my next big step
but what if I fall?
What if I fail?
I'm seeing that this time 
there's no net
& I wonder if I am really ready for this

I guess every high wire act
has to pass the test
eventually it just doesn't change the fact
that I'm scared of diving in

Tomorrow I'll pack another box
& check off more from my to do list
I'll fake it till I make it
because eventually it won't feel
like I'm just fooling everyone
Maybe someday soon,
I'll open my eyes
& realizing this is me
standing on my own 2 feet

So it begins

(52) Beloved Aggravation

He's such a beloved aggravation. 
How do you live a contradiction?
He's my soul inside out,
my musical soulmate,
my best friend

But every step we take closer
seems to require another brick
built in the wall
that separates our hearts

He says he's lonely,
but he won't say a word to me
all he has to do is stretch out a hand
I'm always within reach

Maybe we're a paradox
or perhaps we're working on a comedic equation
because we seem to be tragedy plus time
Who can really say

He & I circle this question
& where our hearts lie
We'll shore up our hearts
with whatever broken bits fall off
of one another's hearts
Never alone, but always lonely
There's got to be a place
we can meet in between

(51) Not Over

Some nights I wish
I could reach across the miles
in an instant
& remind you that this story
isn't over yet

the world is full mixed signals
& changing paths
we're far from who we
seem to be

(50) Most Beautiful

There's nothing quite so beautiful
as a room full of people
you love
laughing so hard
that they're in tears
when you're laughing along
with them

(49) Expectations vs. Reality

I'm tired of building my life
around the hopes of somedays
I'm tired of waiting
for everyone else to make their decisions
so I can just keep trying to live my life
I'm tired of being disappointed
because every time I
get my hopes up --
even in little things --
it all comes crashing down

Is this growing up?
Realizing sometimes a dream
is just a dream
or that sometimes hope
is just a wish that isn't coming true...

I miss days of simple wishes
where expectations met reality
Please God bring those days back to me
or show me how to dream
& find the strength 
to make it my reality

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

(48) Funeral Plans

When I die, please make pie
have a party
dance all night
love each other
Don't slow down
Don't give in
Remember me
with unsweet tea
reread my letters
in every letter, every line
is an I love you

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

(47) Table Saw

Nothing quite like starting your day
waking up to the sound of a
table saw directly above
your bed.
It's like Tom Hanks' nightmare
in The Burbs
all saws through walls
& erratic sleep

Erratic sleep, erratic day
suppose that's the kind of thing
one should expect
when the day starts that way
But now I lay my
head to rest
hoping for sleep &
all the best
wishing that my alarm
will wake me & not
another saw in the morning

Monday, October 14, 2013

(46) Bitter

After you answer a phone to a crying voice
& realize you're hearing a breaking heart...
you start hearing the echo
in your own words
in your own broken soul
I don't want to feel bitter
this was supposed to be something we could work through
you listen & you realize...
this is your heart too
You don't want this broken bitterness
& your heart stuck in a self-destructive repeat
but the pain is still real
these wounds aren't just skin deep

so you comfort the tired voice
at the other end of the line
you pray for their mending heart
you wish them the better ending
the one you never got
because your stories follow these
parallel story lines
& you almost forgot
that a story like this can still have a happy ending

Their's will end better
Their heart is still beating right
& you actually believe it
when you hear yourself saying
it will all be alright

It will all be alright
It will all be alright

Sunday, October 13, 2013

(45) Someone to Love

Nada Surf lyrics keep playing through head
To find someone to love
you gotta be someone to love
is that why I'm still alone?
Am I not someone to love yet?

Saturday, October 12, 2013

(44) Never Meant to be Alone

The truth of it,
the crux of the matter,
is that I'm reaching out 
my hand in the dark
& I'm praying 
you're reaching out too

We're not meant to be 
We should never feel 
alone in a room full of people
or lost amongst people we love

Don't assume I don't feel joy
over new marriages, jobs, houses, babies
or that I'm not glad
your life is going well
My happiness doesn't change my joy for you
it just tints the view of my accomplishments & dreams

Depression isn't a foreign concept
I was just hoping
I'd shored myself up this time
that I was strong enough
to fight this alone

but I'm not

No, I'm not drowning
& I can still see the stars,
but I need new focus
new hope

Renew my spirit, LORD
Show me the hand to hold
the safe places & harbors
you've blessed me with
& a light so I'm never

(43) Tripping my Own Heart

It's pretty bad
When you're the one
tripping up your own heart

How do I grow?
Where do I go from here?

Your new life seems happy
buying houses
thinking about starting a family
Your wife inserting your name into conversations 

Is it sick to still wish
I knew
if even for a single moment
you thought about
picking me?
I just wish I could understand
why I never had a chance

Am I not pretty enough?
Or thin enough?
Is it because I really can't dance?
What's my fatal flaw?
Or did I throw it away 
when I didn't give you a full answer
that night in the car?
Or kiss you that day you backed me into a wall to talk?

Apparently I'm neurotic 
& obsessive,
but I still wish I could tie up
these loose ends
in more than just my dreams

Soon you'll see my face again
even with my heart on my sleeve, 
when you look through me
You'll see a better woman
than the one I use to be

(42) Odd Duck

Odd duck is what I am
Never quite fitting right
Not even my body is normal
with the O Negative blood, the PCOS, the pancreatitis, the back bending knees
And what of my heart?
I'm an introvert & an INFJ
Rare, rare, rare
I love Shakespeare & Star Wars
I crochet & bake pies & write handwritten letters
So much about me
is a little odd
I've come to accept my weird & my good
I'll never be conventional
or exactly what you might expect
I'll never leave you quite the same
When our paths cross & intersect
I hope you see
that I'm not the only one
with surprises & secret worlds
inside of me
each one of us is beautiful & brilliant 
& odd
in our own ways
Let's embrace it
& become a cheerful flock 
of all the odd ducks

(41) Mom

Nothing quite so good
as hearing your voice
at the other end of the line
when I've been worrying
about you

You keep me inspired,
going, hoping
you're my voice of reason
& the soother of my storms

I can't lose that,
can't lose you
Please be healing
& I'll be moving on,
growing up,
& making you proud

Thanks for being you, Mom

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

(40) Soon.

Sure enough,
you break my heart
I really just want
a hand to hold &
your lips to kiss

It won't be long
before your arms
are around me
& you're laughing with me

I'll give you a list
of my favorite things
most of the list will be you
(& maybe tea)

Pumpkin cider & blankets
laughter on this couch
time marches forward
& I still can't wait to meet you. 

You gorgeous creature
my dreams are filled with you

(39) Help Me Let Go

God, let me let this go
a full 2 years (...3?)
of bitterness 
all for something--
I can't ever have

What's the point 
of holding on
to loneliness
when it's a love 
that will only kill me
& I don't want to
seem heartless

but holding on...

Holding on any longer
with this death grip,
white knuckles,
clenched stomach,
it just hurts

Who would choose this?
This love sick life,
I tell myself I'm fine
that this is over 
I'm not still splinters
of who I wanted to be,
but I let it come to this

So break me open
call me out
tear off the callouses 
& clean up these wounds
They've been open too long

Help me, Lord
help me escape
& heal this stupid,
broke, angry, hurt heart

Because until its cleaned out
I'm never gonna be happy 
Never gonna be helpful 
Never gonna give or get
real love,

true love

Help me, Lord
help me to save
this heart, to
save me

(38) Those Who Risk

Everyone seems to think
that I'm an adult
but I'm beginning to
suspect it's a lie
You believe in me
all you want, but
I make no guarantees

My plans tend to fail
possibly from lack of planning
but certainly
with lack of faith
It's just easier
to not strive for things
or dreams
because the crashing down
of disappointment feels
somewhat beyond inevitable

Those who risk
that's clearly not my motto,
but it should be

No regrets, right?
Maybe I need to watch
Meet Joe Black with tea
& cry
& remember who I use to be
Then let the past collide
with the present
singing The Longest Time
& become the best bits
of me

The ghost should say good night
It's time 

Saturday, October 5, 2013

(37) You've Already Got My Heart

Each time I think about it
I can't stop smiling
having you handed to me
your tiny perfect fingers curled
around my finger
I've never quite experienced
what it felt like
to hold you
In my hearts vast space
you can have whatever room
you'd like

Friday, October 4, 2013

(36) Love. New. Love.

Strained eyes & leather couches
waiting, waiting, waiting
pink visitors pass & one finished book
pages of texts, updates, etc.
Still no baby
2 days of this?
3 more hours & we'll hit 48
Maybe October babies
really are marathon babies
I think I'll have my
babies in the spring
that way I can dress up
as the Death Star for Halloween
& eat extra stuffing & Mom's mashed potatoes
& no one will judge me

But waiting.
Waiting for news
or a nurse
or sleep
or a new niece
At least the wait will be worth it
when I get to hold this new light
in my arms
She's mine
Maybe not blood,
but my family all the same
This is looney,
but I couldn't be more cheerful
our new heartbeat
born into this world
I'm already in love

Thursday, October 3, 2013

(35) Melody & Malachi

Time seems to expand
& shrink
in the presence of such immense
New life coming in to the world
hearing brand new heart beats
is a sound I'll never grow tired of
such a comfort to know
pure things, new things
can still exist & endure
Welcome little ones
Welcome home

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

(33) Face Your Fear

There's nothing
quite so terrifying
as having someone you love
cheerfully inform you
that you're about to face down fear
Maybe they don't see the
terror in your eyes
or maybe they're excitement overrules
Whatever the case,
whatever the cause,
you'll be staring it down by weeks end
your best friend reminds you
to breathe
a lot
Lots of deep breaths
& make yourself tea
(maybe we would do better in the U.K.)

And I've done all this
& I'll see it through,
but I still don't know
how I'm ever to face