Friday, May 20, 2016
Happy birthday to me.
My brain is turning inside out with the realization that it's just after midnight, and I am now 30 years old. What am I doing with this new day--this new year? Well, I'm listening to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on RiffTrax playing as I write this. Yep. I lead an exciting life.
In all honesty, I am having a really hard time processing the reality of being 30. I know it won't sink for awhile, but hopefully I'll make this new year a good one.
I think my birthday gift to myself with be going back to school. I don't know the exact when and how, so don't ask. I just think I need to make myself do it. I'm getting stagnant living the life I'm currently in. I am a shark, I gotta keep swimming or I'll die.
Outside of that, I have no idea. I am going to try to keep myself going to the gym, and maybe try to get myself a passport finally, but one thing at a time.
Maybe 30 doesn't have to be scary. Or maybe it is meant to be scary and this is just my year to step up and prove to myself that I am the courageous one I was once said to be. God's got this, and hopefully I'll be walking with him instead of being my typically stubborn, frightened self running ahead or trying to run a different route entirely.
Welcome to the new year, Jaymin Louise. Let's make it a good one.
Thursday, May 12, 2016
You ever say one thing when you mean something totally different? I do this on a daily basis. Most of the time it's unintentional. Usually it's me trying to answer someone's questions about how I feel about something. I'll get done answering their question only to realize that I said one thing and that it probably meant closer to the exact opposite of what I meant or at least it was different enough to cause confusion.
Sometimes my brain just does this great thing where it automatically reroutes my answers so that I can tell people generic things in an attempt to protect them from me. After I say something aloud it sometimes hits me that I just lied to someone about how I feel. I hate it. If I'm lucky I can catch myself and restate my answer. Especially if it is to someone I know genuinely wants to know the truth.
Lately this has become a real struggle for me.
I find myself telling one specific lie over and over and over again. I think it's just my brain's way of trying to derail a conversation and throw off any kind of suspicion before anyone can worry. "I'm tired," I'll say looking directly into your eyes. Lie. Not complete, but not truly honest. I don't sleep. I've always had trouble sleeping, and when my depression or stress or anxiety gets the better of me, I'll start the cycle of sleeplessness all over again. So it's not a full lie, I mean, I am tired. Often exhausted, but the problem is, when you ask me how I am, I usually have about a million other feelings that are more unsettling or louder than just being tired. I just don't always know how to express it.
I am tired, but I am also fighting. Daily. I'm fighting to be the best version of myself I can be. I'm fighting to keep finding light through the darkness. I'm fighting to see the good and not dwell on the bad. I'm often lonely, and that's why I'm trying so hard to connect with other people. That's why I try to make everyone around me laugh and why I try to write encouraging notes and remember the details about other people...I don't want anyone around me to feel this ache I feel. I don't want anyone else to feel like this. I am tired, but I feel like if I express to someone else the depth of the sadness or the level of anger I feel that it will frighten them. My heart is the Mariana Trench when it comes to emotions and often the ones I feel deepest are the farthest in that trench and I try to keep them there. I have them sunk in those inky depths for a reason, and it's probably because I think I'm protecting everyone else from me. No one wants to listen to someone talk about their anger or sadness or depression, so instead of telling you that I feel hurt or alone or depressed or angry or frustrated or trapped I'll just tell you I'm tired.
Is any of this healthy? No. Not really. I know this, and I'm trying to find a safe place to deal with it, but in the meantime I'll continue to write these weird blog posts that help me empty out my head like I do my pockets at the end of the day. Hopefully they'll help someone else feel a little less alone, and maybe we can talk about it.
Note to self: just because someone seems to appreciate something you passionately love does not mean they actually have any interest in it (or you either necessarily). Accept this, move on, and be cheerful about being a nerd. Not everyone can love something as deeply as you do.
Friday, May 6, 2016
I really use to believe that late nights were a great thing for me. I use to do my best writing on nights like these, and the promise of being the only one awake is priceless.
The problem is simple: I can't think straight anymore. This late at night my mind likes to take the quiet and stillness and destroy it with reminders of mistakes, frustratingly inappropriate longings that can't be fulfilled, and loneliness.
I know I should be wrapping myself in God and his ability to save, but I always feel like there's something more important for God to take care of instead of me. Even though I know God can handle this (and infinitely more), it still feels weird to ask for him to shore me up when I know better than to fall into these same patterns.
I need to sleep.
Thursday, May 5, 2016
Sometimes I wish that you would
Find the girl you are
Meant to be with
So I can stop confusing
Myself with your future.
I am tired
Of always saying
To my best friend
So if you're not mine
You're more than welcome
To leave at any time
But leave the pieces
Of my heart where you