(32) Closing Time?

I'm struggling to pull
fact vs. fiction
maybe my heart
really is a little closed down
Am I shutting you out?
Or is it really just this loud
in my head?
I don't mean to spread this anguish
I'm not even sure how
you'd share this pain
maybe all the loss
really has closed me down again
Thank you for the insights
into other peoples' hearts
maybe I can start brand new
& mend my weary heart

(31)

Tonight poems don't rhyme
& I eat too much
(again)
& I talk myself out of drinking
(again)
the pain grows out of old injuries
but my heart turns up a blank slate
images flash across the screen
hopeful, but naive
none of these options
are really mine to choose
So I look over tonight
I cut my losses &
I head to bed
a new day's just beginning
of a battle
against myself
I need to see
the hand reaching
down for mine
because I'm not sure
if I can stand anymore
at least not without help
Please help me find both will & Word
I don't want this division in me
it's tearing apart my soul
Help me, Lord
take control

(30) You, Darcy & I, Elizabeth

Darcy, darling
you are a dream
but why not make you mine
You're far beyond the man
you seem
I hope that somewhere
down the line
I meet someone with your character
& that they'll see
in me
Elizabeth
Then he will be mine

(29) Onward!

Here's me,
arms wrapped around
my chest
I'll hold myself together
& walk through
these new doors

You looked me,
straight in the eye,
you said
no
No to me.
Not to my love.
No to my heart.

So here's me,
walking away.
Yes, these steps are painful
& I cut myself on
shards of heart
but I'm picking them up
as I GO
& I'm moving on
taking this broken heart
on the road

Someday I'll look
into the eyes & heart
of someone
who says
yes.
Then this broken time
& steps walked on
will all make sense.

For now,
I'll just keep walking
& I'll stop looking back
for you.
Instead,
I'll look forward
for me.

(28) But I'm Wrong

I always thought
that as I got older
my fears of
rejection, abandonment & loneliness
would retreat away & heal
but they only seem to grow
with the death & destruction
the ever looming war
my unanswered letters & emails
the loss being ignored...

Sometimes I worry the fear
has gotten too big
to fight down
& that its shadow
reaches too far to see past

But I'm wrong

& in these moments
I hear you whisper my name
nudging me, reminding me
of who you are &
where I am --
in Your universe

Bleak sometimes leeches
out the colors of my heart
but you always come back in
& burn it to the ground
& begin to start
& color me in anew

Thanks for making me, me
& being extraordinary you

(27) Please

Sugar snap peas & yogurt
cheerful in the middle of the night
Watching Bones alone again
but at least this time
it's one the up & up
Something I want
is moving forward
Some kind of change
Please change
Brain, heart, help
meh
Yet I keep moving on

(26) Green Brain

Roses are red,
violets are blue
NyQuil is green
& so is my weird brain
I'm super tired
& hopefully the NyQuil will save my lungs
Will loosen my green brain
will help me tame the crazy
let's my heart rest

(25) Reaching

So last night
that was the low point
today I saw the truth
tomorrow I walk forward
Always another step
time to balance a checkbook
pay the bills
say thanks
& start reaching for hope

(24) Ex

What's funny is that
you were a terrible boyfriend
& somehow I'm the one
at fault

Pretty sure I felt I was
smothering you
(which I was)
& you needed to be free

How did you convince me
to break up with you first?
Genius.

Why, 10 years later,
(at 2 am)
am I remembering details of you?

I blame New Girl
because Nick Miller
is my spirit animal
(why did that phrase
become popular)
that & 2 1/2 drinks & the pancreas from hell
(Do you remember how well I use to drink?
Never a hang over
No crazy behavior --
my body is a jerk,
times change)

No, I don't still wish
we were together
time, new hope, space, sexuality changed that
(Plus you still make my dating history
look like the punch line
of a badly worn joke
"Didja turn him gay?"
or I get pity eyes &
feel-better statements
"You were too good for him...
clearly if he didn't want
to be with someone as
incredible as you,
he MUST be gay.")

It's just...

You were still the first man
I adored
The first real kiss
The one who turned my blood to fire
Who made me believe
the future
could be something magic
& not a lonely place

I just miss feeling certain
of something
I wanted
Something worth pursuing
& fighting for

Now I am just trying to finish
One project, just one,
Livin' on a Prayer lyrics
Can't make me hope

This really isn't about you.
I guess,
it's just a couple of drinks
& an old typed out play
that crossed Hamlet with The Wizard of Oz
(brilliant)
reminding me that I use
to have fire for life

& a heart to believe
in a happy ending for me

(23) Grief & a Loon

Why can't I just grieve?

like a normal person

I hate feeling

like the illogical

black hole of emotion

My heart turns into

a bad mid afternoon game show

My nails are gone

& my sanity seems to

be following the same path

how are you supposed to do this?

(22) Just the 3

I'm starting to think

I have the same

three conversations on repeat

I play through them

with friends

each day

Future

Boys

Hope

over & over

just a track stuck on repeat

someone

throw a wrench

in these spokes

save me

(21) To Do List

To do list

to do list

to do

Tonight I'll do my best to sleep

but my head's filled

with a million things

dreams, plans, 

good & tough, fun & sad

so much to do

but all of it can wait

for morning

tonight I'll just dream of you 

(20) Goodbyes

I've hit the point

of paradox 

The limbo of home

I'm looking forward

to my normal life,

but scared to say 

goodbye

Goodbyes feel so weird

Because when will

I see you again?

How do I know

my plan will work

or that we can stay the same?

It's just a couple of months

all filled with

new plans & change

It's exciting to move forward

but at the same time...

I wish it could

remain the same.

(19) Revolting Old Soak

Wonder of wonders
night falls again
leaving me here in the quiet
sans friend

Here in the lamp light
on this small twin bed
holding tight to blankets
tired thoughts fill my head

It's been a strange couple of weeks
I wonder where you are tonight
Are you hoping for me?
Do you wonder if I'm alright?

Because tonight I could really
use strong arms holding me together
and a calm voice
whispering in my ear

It feels like eternity
but this life passes so fast
I worry you'll never
find me

My grandparents found each other
and were married over 60 years
they raised 12 kids together
a crazy, loud, dysfunctional, happy family

I don't care if we have 12 kids
(or just 1 or 2)
I don't care if we get 60 years,
but I want as many as I can have with you

So if you're out there tonight,
can you please look around?
There's a girl waiting for you,
check the lost & found

She's probably carrying a bag
too big with a journal and a book
a deck of cards and a water bottle
just look

She'll probably have a pony tail
glasses, bracelets on her arm
soon-to-be tattoo "enough"
(even though her brother claims this makes her seem like a meth addict)

She's going to be a bit dysfunctional
laugh too loud, heart on sleeve
cries when she's angry
and she might be gun-shy, scared you'll leave

Just know this girl, this lonely heart,
beats just for you.
Dream of me tonight, love.
I'll be dreaming of you.

(18) Goodbyes Never Get Easier

Football & beer
maybe it covers for
the tired to fear
dehydrated from all these tears
Goodbye, we love you
we will not break
Hold us together
Keep us strong
help us live like
we know we should
with love,
with kindness,
& great good

(17) Hotel

Climb into bed
smile at the room
this bed is giant,
cheerful cocoon
long road of travel
come to an end
Finally finished
this bed, a new friend
closed eyes & cheer
drift in the dreams
give us hope
& far better scenes

(16) Good Night

My toes & noes & fingers are chilled
but I'm not sad at all
ages now have been spent
too hot to sleep
twisting up sheets
sweating through dreams
nothing but nightmares

Finally cool air & rest
time for sleep & real dreams
blankets & cheerful things
Put away the computer & iPod screens
Now it's time for sleep

So sweet good nights
& hopes for dreams
wish on the stars
& sleepy things
good night, long day
good night

(15) Point Break(ing) Point

I am tired of feeling
like I'm too much
Stop looking at me like
I've lost my mind

I don't like the tears
or how my voice
cracks & strangles,
but words have to be said

I can't bottle this up anymore
because that dam's about to burst
years worth of tears unshed
& misdirected action
pain misplaced
disoriented social interaction

I've built up my walls
high & deep
so no one could ever see
the broken shatters of who I am
buried underneath

I need a light,
a boat, & a heart to
guide me

Please don't tell me
how to feel
or what I need to do
my heart doesn't cater to your whims
broken people (hearts) need love too

Oi

What level of a mess are you when you realize that your good friend's sweet, but inebriated husband giving you a peck on the cheek when he hugs you goodbye (because you look at each other more as siblings than anything else) is the most physical interaction you've had with a member of the opposite sex in about 8 & 1/2-9 years?

Wow. I really may be to the crazy portion on this ride. I need to actually be social or take a more avid interest in crocheting, knitting, & cats. 

(14) Hand Please

Somedays it's hard to formulate words
Maybe things ran smoothly
but you run into the wall

The phone rings
unexpected things
bad news & you fall

Even when you know
it's slipping
you never know
the time

Sometimes we don't
get to say
our goodbyes

Tears are not my favorite
but sometimes they need to fall
I'm only human
suffering backlash from the Fall

Thankful for the bright light
& the party up ahead
knowing deaths a pause
but not the end

I don't have a lot
of answers
but I'll give you
my hand
I'll stand beside you
to through this
& to the end

So darkness hovers over
this weary night
but we still have stars
to guide us
even through this
our darkest night

(13) On Days Wishing I was Vulcan (Or at Least 1/2 Like Spock)

Sometimes I wish I were Vulcan

to be able to hold so much in check

to use logic,

not feelings,

to figure out

the next step

Instead I'm full-fledge human

wearing my heart upon my sleeve

tired of crying when I'm angry

tired of wanting what's outside my reach

I am trying to hold

the years together

despite my flawed attempts,

mistakes played on repeat

a Vulcan sensibility 

would save so much biting tongue & cheek

(12) Am I Lost? Am I Living?

I'd still like to believe

that there's time

to find me

Maybe I'm a little lost

My wandering heart

keeps me moving 

state to state

I long for more than this

a life can't subsist on

tortillas & NetFlix & spoiling your friends' kids

All the weddings, all the joys

Whose life am I really living?

Or is this life at all?

(11) Me & You, You & Me, Always

Life rarely turns out how you plan

but some things are always true

Me & you, for instance

Always me & you

My grammar may not always work

Maybe my poetry won't flow

but the sun keeps rising in the east

& you & I won't go

Today we've married, you & I

this starts our lives anew

& some thing's truly never change

just like me & you

Never fails

Never stops

Always true

just like me & you

(10) To Kid on the Eve of his Wedding

Tomorrow you get married, Kid

I can't believe the day is here

I remember you with baby fat & big blue eyes

little remains in the man 

you've become,

but the big blue eyes

Remember our reckless adventures?

Our bike ramp & tree climbing days?

Wrestling around for the football

laughing over secret crushes with Eric on the trampoline

Lifetimes ago

Now we live in 

different states

We live our

separate lives

But your still my little brother

The woman you've chosen...

We watched her grow up

She's beautiful & kind

artistic & brilliant

Better than any girl

I could've chosen

I'm grateful God gave her to you

Because I know you'll 

make each other happy

& pull each other through

Kid, I wish you all the luck, 

every ounce of joy

Take care of her

& fight for her heart every day

May a day never come

that finds you less in love 

than the day before

I love you so much, Kid

A most happy eve of your wedding

(9) Solace in Your Happiness

Generosity & good fortune always overwhelm

My new silver shoes sparkle

& make me think of Dorothy's slippers

(they were only ruby in the movie)

There's no place like home

Then we find $20 in the parking lot

"Happy dinner on me,"

says The Universe

It's really the little things

We'll try the cinnamon pancakes on Monday

fir breakfast 

I'll make that cheesecake

a pie's on the way

Sure we'll drink when this is over

to cheer ourselves 

on how beautiful it was

(& I'll survive 2 weddings, not 1

& hopefully old ladies & friends

will minimize the number of times

I'm asked how I feel 

about not getting married

first)

And we'll figure out the car

Tonight we have a winning football team

we've cheered to victory,

Good beer,

& laughter

So glad you can find

solace in your happiness

Me too

Why can't you?

So the world is falling

& at war

So my car breaks down

& I'm not seeing anyone at all anymore

There's still so much good here

Be overwhelmed & grateful

for the beauty in each day

Search for it & find the good 

(8) For Your Birthday

You remember the summer

you loved me?

You were sweet & funny

though boundaries seemed to be

a weakness

You told me you'd 

never go to far

Even though

your eyes betrayed your heart

Do you know you're

the only man who

ever made me feel

wanted

& desired

I still miss 

your fingers

laced through mine

or your hand

at the base of my spine

We watched fireworks 

from my front yard

& I told you my

heart & fears

I made you forget, 

for awhile at least,

the ghost of a girl 

you'd been chasing

for so long

You never meant

to love me

You never meant

to stay

It still, 

to this day,

surprises me

that you would've stayed

(think it startled you too)

but my heart was

a fire

roaming fast ahead

of me

burning me down

& burning my bridges

to the life you

were willing,

finally,

to work towards

In case I never told you,

You cut a gorgeous figure in a suit

Your smile could light up the darkest room

Your arms always felt safe

You were enough,

more than enough,

for any girl

(let alone me)

Please don't ever doubt

your strength & worth

based on me

I was young &

slipping through 

like water to the sea

(7) Visit

Home again

Comfortable & relaxed

despite the insanity on the road,

this is home

Every time I step in this door

I feel 17

shouldn't I be getting ready

for class?

September leaves

cooler weather

Sunshine golden

Everything brings me home

The realization that

This might be the last trip I have

to see this autumn falling

here is bittersweet 

There's so much to be grateful for

I will count them all

Thank God for home

& all the beauty of fall

(6) Getting Ready to Wait

Getting ready to wait

it's always the hard part

I need the sleep

so I can drive

so I set a bedtime

& settle into bed

but I'm still restless

I want to be on the road

To shake the dust

off my bones

to clear out room

for my autumn heart

The leaves are falling

the last of the weddings

are set to begin

Dresses packed

lists made

But with the coming fall

brings in the coming chill

Maybe my heart's hibernation 

will begin

& shut out

the lonely echoes

from all my unanswered 

words

Or maybe it will just

bring my soul relief

& sweet release

(5) Benadryl

Benadryl is kicking in

my eyes can barely open

but in this space

I replay

the conversations of my day

and the doors

they open

We head toward

the good

pursuant, passionate

May hope & good 

collide with

the real

for something even better

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people

telling me

that they're sure you miss

me

You were his best friend

He always told you things

You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember

I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,

but in my defense,

You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis

in a desert

then one day I woke up

dying of thirst

realizing my eyes had

fooled me

You were too good to be true

a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,

that postcard

of the flying car

that you saw & knew

I'd love

(you always knew

how to make me smile)

It came in the mail

without warning

we hadn't spoken in

months

(not since that proposal--

no one warned me

that was in her cards

not mine)

Then the flying car

Your words were clear

as day

but muddled every

thought

You missed me

You wanted to have one of our long talks

You missed me. 

You. missed. me. 

Me. 

There on a postcard

Plain for every postal worker

who carried it between us

to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 

(with her in your stead)

I had barricaded my heart

You hugged me close

told me you were glad

to see me

You'd missed me

I smiled

and tried to keep

the strangled scream

of broken heart &

broken dreams

out of my eyes

We never had the talk

you claimed you wanted

I nearly pulled her out of the house

When she crashed the wrong party

the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea

how much the weight

of regret feels on

a heart that never

was brave enough

to speak the whole

of truth?

You asked me once

if I thought you were doing the right thing

Of all the people to ask

You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong

it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart

told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:

I love you.

Time & distance & walls

marriage & age & life

All the bricks I wish I could

tear down

But it won't change this

You're gone

& I can't believe there's 

even a second

where those words could be true...

that you 

miss

me