Sunday, August 17, 2008
I love this. I really do. It makes me feel inspired. I realize that probably sounds silly or maybe stupid, but it's true. Maybe it's the song, which I love, or maybe it's just because everyone needs to see things that make them feel brave, makes them believe they could be more. For reasons I don't fully understand, this makes me feel like that. Enjoy.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
- Dan in Real Life
- Cooler weather
- The world's softest pink yarn
- Men who have the all the words
- Coffee with vanilla soy milk, cinnamon, and sugar in it...mmm...
- That I'm not the only one who can't bowl
- Getting advice from a friend about how you shouldn't pop your toes when you just had surgery on your leg
- Bad dancing
- Finishing a book
- 2008 summer Olympics
Dan Burns: What don't I understand, Cara? Please, help me out. What is it? Is it frustrating that you can't be with this person? That there's something keeping you apart? That there's something about this person that you can connect with? And whenever you're near this person, you don't know what to say, and you say everything that's in your mind and in your heart, and you know that if you could just be together, that this person would help you become the best possible version of yourself?
That's what I want. Feeling that miserable would not be an all bad thing. If it meant I'd really found something I needed.
I realize this isn't what I should focus on. My life is silly enough. Love will show up in its own way and time eventually, but when you are watching something and suddenly the ache overwhelms you...what do you do? Or you're reading simple notes from someone, and even though they have no intention of grabbing your heart, it seems like they're pulling it out of you with a magnet? Or the one person you feel most comfortable spending time with regularly is a guy that you have trouble qualifying in your life? You know he's just a friend, and that's probably all he'll ever be, but sometimes you ache when you're with him because, at least with him, you're purely you and you don't have to cover for yourself.
When do you think you should tell someone how you feel? As a girl where should the lines be? Am I supposed to tell someone I think there's potential between us? Or am I supposed to allow them that freedom?
How do you know?
And is love something that I will find? Or is it just a dream that I've been caring around unnecessarily for all these year?
I doubt it. I don't think God places dreams this deep in your heart without any intention of helping you find the fulfillment of them.
Sooner or later, I'll get my answers. They're worth the wait.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
- Hearing "A Little Less Conversation" sung by Elvis blaring over the loudspeakers in a Chinese stadium
- Ice tea (I don't think I can mention this enough)
- Fresh pineapple
- Knowing I get to see Jenna in just a couple of hours
- Seeing Paxton at church this morning
- Watching all the little ones dance through the service today
- The tall one (he makes me happy)
- That Ben is loving the Twilight series (oh yes, another convert to my convoluted, beloved obsession)
- Pink handled scissors
- Hearing Mom say, "The man is the head of the household," and Joel responding with, "But the woman is the neck and she can turn the head whichever way she wants it."
- Perfect golden, beautiful sunshine highlighting the green and gorgeous trees and the wonderful cool weather
Jay and I went to Rockford this evening to visit Jenna. Met up at Starbucks, and after collecting a few humorous books, we sat down in the "cafe" and enjoyed our time.
The conversations that I have on these kind of visits are my favorite. Jay was a great addition to the mini-group. It was beautiful. So much awkward, so many topics, so many bad accents, so much shared humor, ridiculous insults, strange comments, and laughter. It needs to happen more often. Truly.
The question that most sticks in my mind was when Jay asked why it's so bad to be one of the guys. We had established that I am not a "normal" girl. That I am better capable to deal with and understand guys than girls in a lot of ways. They just make me feel more understood and comfortable. Jay didn't understand how it could be a pain for me to be one of the boys.
Let me explain. It's not that I don't enjoy being one of the guys. In a lot of ways it's great. I enjoy being able to spend huge amounts of time with large quantities of testosterone. I feel at ease there and I can hold my own. I make great friends who are loyal, protective, and wonderful this way. The problem is that you don't ever get to be anything more.
I am the girl every guy wants around. They "need" me. But they don't really. I'm a substitute person when they aren't in relationships, I am the best friend.
The problem is...I still haven't found anyone who really wants me. Who really needs me. Who sees me as a women, not just a best friend. That's why being one of the guys isn't the best. It's great, but until I find a guy who can see me for all that I am...it won't be completely awesome.
Someday. Maybe someday soon...
Well, I'll keep dreaming.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
- Magic (not the card game)
- Cinnamon rolls
- Perfect weather (sunshine, cool breeze, lovely lovely temp)
- Night & Day mixes from Jay Laurent (the man is a genius, I adore him)
- Ice tea
- The Wednesday Letters
Nikky asked a question yesterday. She asked, "What do we do with passion?" The passion instilled in our being by God. God is passionate for us, and we, as His creation have a great deal of passion of our own. Not necessarily for the same things, but still passion none the less.
It's passion, I believe, that creates. I use my passion to create poetry, short stories, letters, etc. Jay uses his passion to create his music. Nikky uses her passion to create beautiful artwork and writings.
But these things are not all our passion is used for. I know that a portion of my passion is in wait. But there is a key to unlocking that, and I do not possess that key. Someday I'll get to use that. Until then...REPRESSED. err...
There is also the passion to live. This is the one that takes the most practice unfortunately. I don't think it's supposed to take a lot of practice. I think living with passion should be our natural response to life, but, I think, overtime, we've had the joy and ability all but sucked out of us. So we must intend to live with passion. We must strive for it. We must search out and find the joy in life and be willing to patiently listen for the nudge, the still small voice, and/or learn to decipher the messages God sends us through the lives of people around us and the world He has so perfectly created.
The choice is, in a lot of ways, the same as the choice to love. Love is a verb. It is action. It is motion and finding ways every day to show the people around us love. The choice to live with passion is very much wrapped into the choice to love. When we choose to live lives of love (so many l's) daily we are also choosing to live passionately. Our love for God seeps through when we show love to one another. Choosing to let someone have their needs met first...
Just my thoughts anyway...
So...I will echo Nikky's question and challenge you (and myself): What do we do with it?