Tuesday, November 23, 2010
- Ryan Reynolds in "Definitely, Maybe"
- My camera
- The New Moon blanket
- Pictures to remind me that I am not crazy and that I do have amazing friends and that there really is something going on in my life
How do people survive this?
The crazy and the lonely and the waiting? I don't know how this works. I have never done this before, but I'm losing it.
Sure, I thought things had changed and happened before, but this is ridiculous. Again, I wonder if I am losing it.
I wrote a letter last night to a friend trying to say all the words I couldn't think of before. The words that he needed to hear and that I needed to say. I wonder sometimes why we're brought into the lives of other people, and even more so why sometimes you have a connection with someone that is deeper and crazier than you imagine possible. Why is it that sometimes you meet someone and you know they are something special and different? Maybe you don't know what role they will play in your life, and maybe you're just meant to be there to help them out...but you know they're something.
Something. That's a start.
Monday, November 22, 2010
- My gray sweater
- Amber's lovely iPod aka. my texting device
- Good mail
- "Father Figure" by George Michael (it's catchy, what can I say)
- God providing in unexpected ways
- Encouraging friends
- Earl Grey tea
Tonight I realized there are several people in my life all willing to fight for my honor. It was one of those things that you really don't expect and it came from a situation that seemed both silly and stupid, but it was nice to know I have people around me who not only care about me, but also are willing to offer to hit someone in the face for me.
I realize this sounds a bit barbaric and ridiculous, but who doesn't want to know that there are people willing to protect them. I know I need this. The ironic thing is, I was the one person in dealing with this incredibly stupid situation that wasn't initially upset. I just felt bad that so many other people ended up involved, but we'll find a way to resolve it without anyone getting hit in the face. It will be alright.
God was in the business of showing me that my hope is best left in Him today. I've been wondering where money would come from again, but had managed to stay calm. Staying calm in a situation like that is nearly impossible for me, or at least it always has been, and so this is amazing to me. I keep seeing God provide for me in crazy and unexpected ways. It's beautiful. Today this came in the form of a card from friends who both encouraged and provided for me. I now have a little something to keep me afloat. God always provides. Just never how I expect. I am so grateful. So, so grateful.
Life is so unexpected...and I'm okay with that.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
- Being fairly certain that when I'm done writing this that I will be able to take a nap
- All the pictures from this weekend
- "Motion Sickness" by Bright Eyes
- Knowing the kitchen is clean again
- Me & music. Nothing more.
- Sunshine, blue skies, and lovely weather
- Black tank tops & old plaid shirts
There are so many moments from this weekend I'd like to hold onto forever, but it's hard to explain.
This weekend was EPIC. And I really do mean that. Sam, Josh and Kaitlyn came down from SC to see Harry Potter with the ABC crew on Friday afternoon. That turned into a ridiculous event. Only 3 of us got to the theater on time. The rest of us got stuck in traffic and it was a crazy event. We did get to see the movie though. It was good, but it was nothing compared to the rest of this bizarre and wonderful weekend.
It was one of those weekends where you wish all time could just stop and this could be your whole life. Surrounded by people you truly adore and love and can't stop laughing with. It was like living in the silliest, most entertaining commune ever. We cooked together, we laughed together, we went shopping together, we watched movies, colored...it was a great weekend.
The irony is just when I thought my hope was truly going to be tossed out a window because things will not work out like I wish they could, I was reminded in a round about way that if things are truly meant to happen, they will. I just need to be patient and find joy in everything. I am thankful for what I have been blessed with through these people.
I've always decided to really work on encouraging the talented people in my life. In being with some of the people I love most in the world, I realized that I'm not the only one still searching. I have no idea what I'm heading towards, but I know I'm heading forward and doing something. This weekend, I realized I wasn't the only one, and I found that encouraging.
There is so much hope here. So much hope for the future. There's a lot that I'm not certain of, but I think I found some certainty in this.
God is good, and I'll make it because even while I wait, I'm going to keep working and striving and becoming the best me I can for God and for me and for the future.
It was a GREAT weekend.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
- Unsweetened ice tea from Moe's
- Amber's handy-dandy iPod
- Knowing someone who cuts hair
- Having so many excellent weekend plans
- Being almost completely done with my homework for the week
- Sounding like a hysterical Muppet or Disney movie villain when I laugh
- Head phones
My voice is currently crazy, and Amber just a few minutes ago got to deal with my hysterical giggling for a good 10 straight minutes. I was just trying to comprehend some of the things that my life has recently run into, and it just wasn't working out. This is not a bad thing, not at all.
Life recently took some turns that were totally and undeniably unexpected. Wonderful, but completely unexpected. I'm still trying to reconcile myself to the realization that life can change so dramatically in such a short period of time.
I keep asking if life is really supposed to be like this. Are people supposed to walk into your life and throw you this far off balance? I'm not sure if this is rational or normal, but I guess I'm fairly okay with it all. Sure it makes me nervous because some day soon I will fall off this crazy balance beam I'm walking on, and the real question will be whether or not there's anything there to catch me. I sincerely hope so.
And so I leave you with a mix.
Blue Skies & Words to Say:
- For Blue Skies - Strays Don't Sleep
- Dear God (Sincerely M.O.F.) - Monsters of Folk
- Wordless Chorus - My Morning Jacket
- Borderline/Open Your Heart - Glee Cast
- Going to California - Led Zeppelin
- My Winding Wheel - Ryan Adams
- Dream On - Matthew Morrison & Neil Patrick Harris
- Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime - Beck
- Don't Move - Butch Walker
- Hideaway - Karen O and the Kids
- Twenty-Seven Strangers - Villagers
- Million Faces - Paolo Nutini
- Heavy In Your Arms - Florence & The Machine
- I Believe In You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
- Alone - Heart
- Holy Roller Novocaine - My Terrible Friend
- Lie In The Sound - Trespassers William
- Hard to Love You - The Wreckers
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
- Random capitalization
- Knowing Amber is still on my side
- That Mitch is done with his crazy faux-counseling session with me for today
- The Black Keys singing "Give Your Heart Away"
- Remembering the insanity of this week's episode of "Glee"
- Amber's iPod
- Having my sermon done, even if I'm not sure how it's going to go tomorrow...
- Jake dancing badly while Amber hums along to whatever is playing on my iTunes
Considering how high-flying I've been for about a week, I'm feeling a bit low at the moment. I think it will get back to normal fairly quickly, but it's like I'm a plane that's circling low waiting to refuel, or better yet, I'm a hawk. A hawk that's flying low because I am trying desperately to find something to eat. I need something to fill me up so that I can get back to flying.
How do I do this? I really think the best thing is praying, but I'm still feeling low. I don't think this is unusual or unhealthy. It's part of life, right?
And so is reevaluating your goals. Is this really worth it? And when you think about it, you know that it is. You have no idea what is driving you on at this point, but you know you think you're crazy. Let's face it, I am crazy. I want something that is nearly impossible to have, and I'm just going to have to wait it out.
Can I do this? Do I have the strength and patience to wait?
I think I do.
In the meantime, I'm going to try to give up. Maybe that sounds crazy, but I really am going to try to let go of a bit more of my life. Try to pull my fingers off all the things that I grasp so that God really can work in all aspects of my life and not just some of it.
Lord give me strength.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
- Knowing that at some point this afternoon/this evening I will work out
- Having some kind of crazy plan
- Nola being beyond kind and generous with her time, consideration, and love
- Texting capabilities based in Amber's beautiful iPod which spends most of its time with me these days
- Sunshine and perfect weather
- Having a functional camera with which to take pictures of Mitch when he comes in and randomly collapses on our living room floor and then takes the next 10 minutes or so to eat green beans and a brownie while laying on the floor...
- Having Amber on my side
- Prayer, so, so, so much prayer
- And Hebrews 6:19 which starts with these words, "This hope we have as an anchor of the soul..."
I've spent a lot of time this week thinking about honor. Anyone that's been near me for the past month or two has probably heard me yell, "Fight with honor! You will win!" at least once. It's become something that is a running quote in my head. I find this both hilarious and encouraging. It's hilarious because it comes from Jackie Chan yelling those words at Owen Wilson in "Shanghai Noon," it it's encouraging because I'm realizing those are the words I need to be remembering.
Recently I've started finding myself in a series of strange situations. Situations that require me to decide how I want to proceed. I can go the easy way or I can choose to fight. Maybe you're an advocate of peace regardless of the situation, and if you are, I'm sorry that I cannot say I agree. I'm not fighting anyone physically, but I am fighting.
In my family honor, truth and love were the things we were taught to seek above all other virtues. Maybe you don't agree with that either, but I am glad my parents taught us to do these things. And no, I can't say that I always do the honorable thing, but I do try.
Especially right now. Since coming to ABC this semester I have encountered a series of situations in which I've had to decide whether I was going to allow myself to be pushed around, lied to, talked down to, and more recently, forgotten. You'd think that some of these things I should be able to just avoid, but I've realized that it would do little, if any, good to do that. I've come to a place of testing.
Right now I'm watching my boundaries be tested. I'm working on maintaining proper boundaries between myself and other people so that I neither shut them out, but I also don't let just anyone into my life.
Right now I'm watching my heart be tested. I'm trying maintain purity of heart and strength. I'm working hard to hold God first in my heart and let all other things fall into place after Him.
And I'm trying so hard to trust. To trust that God will protect my heart as long as I let Him hold onto it. That He'll provide for me. I think that's the hardest part. The trusting. It's not my strong point, and I know I need to be better about this. Plus, God hasn't failed me ever. And lately, I've been seeing Him work in my life more and more. It's not that He hasn't been before, it's just that I know I haven't been listening or watching for it.
And now I'm fighting so hard to stay on the radar. To not be forgotten. Ever. In fact, I'd like to be a priority eventually.
Hope though...that's what I'm really working with. I'm stepping up and fighting with honor. I'm holding onto the hope that recently showed up in my life for dreams I've been fighting and/or ignoring for awhile now.
Hope is the anchor of my soul.
Fight with honor, my friends. You will win. With hope, I will too.