Saturday, January 31, 2009

Jaymin in Real Life


Favorite things of this very moment (12:21 pm CST):
  • "Dan in Real Life" & it's soundtrack
  • Post-It notes
  • That my stomach muscles ache which reminds me that I did the right things this morning and did Pilate's, and if I keep doing this, I might actually have REAL stomach muscles someday or at least a stomach that I'm not totally ashamed of
  • Knowing my "nephew" Xavier was born yesterday evening and that he's beautiful
  • Having new projects to work on
  • The sun shining even if it is winter and a wee bit chilly outside
  • Contacts which make so many things in life easier
  • My cell-phone
  • Poetry (specifically if it's about love...even if I'm beginning to doubt the validity of my knowledge concerning that topic in any and all ways...and I mean the topic of love, not necessarily the topic of poetry)

Is it bad to dislike someone you absolutely adore? It comes on suddenly. Sometimes I can't get enough of him...actually I can never get enough of him...that's the problem.

Somewhere in the course of the past few months I allowed a distance to grow between us because I was afraid of my feelings and life and being too attached to someone who can't see you as anything beyond a younger sister. Instead of lessening how I feel for him, it only seemed to make the ache that much deeper. Wider. Like the ocean. Yet smaller, like a snowflake or a grain of sand. My feelings are a paradox.

I'm trying to grasp onto this, to understand it.

He's playing tonight at a church in a nearby town. Normally, he calls by this point on the Saturday he plays to tell me he's playing and see if I want to come. I keep staring at my phone trying to decide if I want to call. Maybe he's not really playing tonight. Maybe he switched weeks with someone.

Or maybe he doesn't want me to come because he'll be meeting her afterwards...

I'm pretty sure that I'm just over-thinking this like I do so many things so often. I seem a wee bit incapable of dealing with rational thought. And I also seem to enjoy the term "a wee bit" a might too much.

I want to someday own a house like the one in "Dan in Real Life." That way I'll be able to have everyone I love comfortably under one roof, and it will be near a beautiful body of water...a lake, the ocean, a gorgeous river. Somewhere beautiful to spend wonderful hours doing nothing but enjoying being with the people I love.

Life is.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Our Love

We had a house and it was called Our Love.
Built to last, or so I thought.
The outside was neat and clean.
Freshly painted daily by your words.
We looked like perfection to everyone who saw it.
We incited envy amongst other lovers.

The inside was where the real story was told.
We had each furnished it with our own beliefs.
Our own thoughts,
they sat like arm chairs and coffee tables.
Mixed but never matching.

These furnishings were what we fought over.
Who knew that a difference in decor could create such tension?
But you cared more about the appearance of Our Love to the world
than you ever cared about me.

How can we care about the outside if the inside’s falling in?
We were too busy putting up appearances to take care of our hearts.
Inside the walls were crumbling,
the arguments were endless
over belief,
over the decorating,
over how we appeared.
We forget to tend the garden of our hearts.

We were overrun with weeds of ruin,
with the dust-bunnies of disaster and neglect.
Loneliness repossessed Our Love,
and we were forced to move on.

I hope you still keep a picture in your heart of Our Love
even after all these years.
Sometimes I go back and cry at its ruin.
I miss Our Love, the way it was in the beginning,
but sometimes…
It just wasn’t meant to be.

But please,
remember Our Love.

Monday, January 5, 2009

What Can I Hope For?

Favorite things of this very moment (12:02 am CST):
  • Channing Tatum
  • "Step Up" on DVD
    "Down with Love" on DVD
  • Ewan McGregor
  • Organic Blood Orange & Mandarin by Presse Belvoir Fruit Farms
  • Talking to Nikky on AIM
  • Accents
  • David Hyde Pierce
  • Dance movies
  • My laptop
  • Housesitting
  • Dakota & the cats
  • Unsweetened Ice Tea
  • A man in glasses (there' s just something so endearing)
  • Children's movies with wonderful inspirational messages ("Keep moving forward," "See a need fill a need," etc.)
I slammed my shin into the recliner earlier. I have serious talent. Good grief.

"Down with Love" has the WORST innuendo ever. It's amazingly awful. Lovely at the same time.

Alright, let's call this post to order. The real reason I am posting is because I am currently housesitting and very much on my own. I'm feeling a little confused by everything:

-Where do I go next?
-How do I really feel?
-What do I want out of life?
-What do I hope for?

The lack of hope is what I really want to change. As strange or silly or sad as it may sound, as I was watching "Step Up" the other day for the first time I realized what my problem was: I have no hope for myself.

Let me better elaborate. I have hope in Jesus Christ for my salvation. I know I am loved by God and that I will be in the Kingdom of God when Jesus returns. In this manner I have a more glorious hope than I can explain, but there's still something off.

My problem is that I don't believe in myself. I have no hope that I can change. I have no hope in a future because there's nothing that I can find to want badly enough to fight for. All the passion and inspiration I talk about and admire is something that I still haven't found in my own life.

I thought I had. That I'd found someone I wanted enough to fight for, but just after Thanksgiving, that dream broke apart. When the person you love asks you your opinion on another girl...that kind of shatters your heart. Especially when you're already having trouble figuring out what you can bring to a relationship to begin with.

Am I making sense yet?

It's probably for the best that I didn't get the guy. He doesn't see me. In a large way I am invisible to him, and as I can't figure out what I'm bringing to a relationship or feel like I'm truly deserving of all of this, it really is probably for the best.

I want to believe that I am good enough. God loves me and sees me as his beautiful creation, why can't I see myself that way?

This year, I'd like to work towards seeing myself as God sees me: as someone beautiful and growing.

I am:
  • good at making desserts
  • hilarious
  • a good judge of tasty juices
  • not much of a drinker
  • a maker of tea
  • a child at heart
  • a lover of movies
  • a writer of poetry
  • a dreamer
  • a wisher
  • a hoper
  • a prayer (can you tell that I'm stealing Shel Silverstein lines?)
  • good at encouraging others
  • a maker of blankets and scarves
  • thoughtful
And I am also tired.

Let's find our true selves. Let's dream dreams, wish wishes, and learn to see all that we can achieve and hope for. Let's risk and win.

Let's change, and maybe do some dancing along the way.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Welcome to the New World She Said to Me

Favorite things of this very moment (2:08 am CST):
  • Baby carrots
  • Red Bull
  • Northern Exposure (I've really fallen in love with this show)
  • Dakota (she's such a good dog)
  • Kizi, Mister Trogdor, and Jovi (the wonderful cats)
  • My cell
  • Not feeling terrified of being in this huge house alone anymore (having 4 animals running around and all the fish really does help a lot, that and having the TV on most of the time)
  • Christmas lights
  • My soft fuzzy, excessively colored socks (they look like something out of the Dr. Suess books: who-socks)
  • John Corbett (good grief...he's freaking*sigh*)
Happy New Year!

I'm having trouble comprehending the fact that it's already 2009, and has been for 2 hours for me. How do the years fly so quickly by? Especially when it feels like they take forever when you're actually going through them? I will never understand that. Time is a crazy thing.

I don't necessarily have any real set New Year's Resolutions this year. I'd like to lose weight, but I'm not going to say that's a New Year's resolution. That's just a fact. On the other hand, I will be trying to say yes more often. I started reading Danny Wallace's book Yes Man the other night, and he has a good point, you miss out on so many things when you say no. I realize that's super obvious, but how often do you think about that?

A friend of my recently reminded me that most people don't regret the things they've done as much as the opportunities they never took. I believe that taking risks is a integral part of actually finding joy in life. This next year, I will say yes more often.

May 2009 be a better year for you and me both.

With much love,