Saturday, May 29, 2010

I wonder how long I'll let song lyrics say all my words for me.
It's just something I think about
when they're echoing, echoing
in the hollows of my heart

And the sound bounces around
like driftwood in the waves
pounds in my ears
like those same waves on the rocks

Do I live?
Or am I dying?
Somedays I struggle
to see the difference

Sunlight bathes me in gold
Still something in me feels cold
Why can't I react?
Is my heart still intact?

Because you tell me you miss me
Since when is that so?
You take me by surprise
but what's the motivation?

Perhaps you've finally realized
that I am magic and light
trying to escape into a world
of moonlight

Or perhaps it's fear
Soon I'll be far from this place
Who will you love, or more importantly,
who will love you?

Because I'll be learning something new
Far from you
in a place you can't reach
Maybe I'll forget you

Maybe then I'll speak my own words
not just this beautiful, rhythmic code
that always keeps me safe
from how I feel for you

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I don't think there's anything worse than feeling helpless and hopeless.

Today I feel helpless. I'm watching someone I care deeply for hurt, and I'm just not sure what can be done to change that. I really wish, on a number of levels, that I could turn time back a little and see what might have been.

Although, I guess it's the "might have been's" and the "what if's" that are really the problem at the moment.

And I wonder, when will things change. People always say things will change when you least expect it. The thing is, that seems to make you sit and wait even more. Instead of causing you to walk away, that kind of statement just makes you hold on to that wish even harder, but this time you close your eyes.

Closing your eyes doesn't actually change anything. If just makes everything dark.

I'm going to just keep my eyes open. I'm going to watch for change because walking away doesn't seem to work. And I'm going to pretend those cliches aren't well known for real reasons.

Let's pretend the world is fresh and new and that everything really is as possible as you think it is when you're a kid.

Maybe that's what it takes to change.


Monday, May 17, 2010

Revolving Countdowns


Favorite things of this very moment (3:10 pm CST):
  • Chris Tomlin's spectacular worship songs
  • Edna St. Vincent Millay's incredibly eloquent poetry that so often reaches in and pulls my heart back into rhythm with life
  • Prayer

Yesterday was Kayla's graduation party. A good time was had by all. The weird thing was how many people had questions for me about my future and plans. I kind of wanted to tell them all that they should probably just focus on Kayla and leave me alone, but the thing is, most of them don't get to see me for more than a few fleeting moments anymore. I'm at work and then at home and few, if any, places in between. So I told them.

I'm trying to get myself financially capable to head to ABC in the fall. I received my notice that I'd been accepted to return, and now this week I'm supposed to plan out my class schedule. I'll probably major in Youth Ministry, and that I have no idea where I'll be heading after that.

I found out that my church is planning to "adopt" me to try and help support me a little financially. I was told it probably wouldn't be a lot of money, but it's something, and considering I hadn't even asked about this, that it hadn't even occurred to me to ask: I'm beyond grateful. Sometimes the people in my life really surprise me.

I also was grilled by a lady from our church who I'm pretty sure wishes I were more up to her standards so that she could induct me into her family and have me marry her oldest boy. I don't wear enough skirts, and I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm moving to Atlanta even though I don't know where they money will come from with no real future plans in place really impressed her... Although, this really isn't my issue. Her son doesn't talk to me, and as nice as she is, I'm completely intimidated by her and I hate wearing skirts. Not a good fit.

Plus, I feel led back to ABC. I'm going to finish what I started, darn it. I'm going to work to be the adult I want to be. The person I want to be, and I'm going to hit all the reset buttons in my heart, and see if being back at ABC might just help me get my head back in the game. I've been drifting the past few years, and I can't just wait forever. I need to make a move in a positive direction, and listen.

And as it was in the bulletin yesterday that the church board discussed my "adoption," I can no longer hide the fact that I'm intending to do this. Oddly, that frightens me more than most things. I'd been keeping it quiet because I'm tried of making plans that never come true, and I don't want this to happen again. I want to follow through.

I take it back, that wasn't the scariest part. The scariest part was having someone point out that moving back to ABC in August means that I'm moving in 3 months. From tomorrow actually...

I am scared to death. And the great thing? I'm walking headfirst into it. I'll take this leap of faith, and I'm just going to keep believing God will break my fall.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Don't Kill Yourself

Carlos, keep calm, love
is what you're seeing now:
today a kiss, tomorrow no kiss,
day after tomorrow's Sunday
and nobody knows what will happen

It's useless to resist
or to commit suicide.
Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself!
Keep all of yourself for the nuptials
coming nobody knows when,
that is, if they ever come.

Love, Carlos, tellurian,
spent the night with you,
and now your insides are raising
an ineffable racket,
saints crossing themselves,
ads for a better soap,
a racket of which nobody
knows the why or wherefore.

In the meantime you go on your way
vertical, melancholy.
You're the palm tree, you're the cry
nobody heard in the theatre
and all the lights went out.
Love in the dark, no, love
in the daylight, is always sad,
sad, Carlos, my boy,
but tell it to nobody,
nobody knows nor shall know.

-Carlos Drummond de Andrade
Translated by Elizabeth Bishop

Friday, May 7, 2010

End of Week 1

There's a can of Vanilla Coke next to me, and all I can think is that life will be alright.

I just survived my first week of work. That's right, I have a new job. I work at a pharmacy-ish place. We fill orders for places like nursing homes and long-term care facilities. I actually don't handle any of that, what I do is type. Lots and lots of typing. Lists, spreadsheets, mailing labels, faxes, memos, cover letters. Pretty much, if it needs retyped...I do it.

They seem to really love me. I keep having people tell me I do a wonderful job and that they're glad I'm there. I hope that continues.

I enjoy the people I work with. They immediately adopted me. Everyone is really nice and they all like to talk to each other all the time. There's a pair of ladies that remind me a lot of Nikky and I because they're hilarious and you can tell they're best friends. They just crack me up. The really great thing about the pharmacy? Kayla works there too. I get to see her for at least a couple of minutes 3 days a week, and that's nice. It's always good to have a few minutes to see people you love.

What I'm not sure of though is whether or not I'll screw up my time card. I've dealt with time clocks before and that doesn't bother me, but I'm worried I'll forget to enter my time at some point. I mean, most of the time I cut my breaks short because that's the kind of person I am, but still...

Whatever the case, I'm sure this job will be fine. It will get me heading back to ABC. Oh yes. And that is something worth working for.

In the meantime, I'm going to drink my Vanilla Coke and listen to Top Christian Radio on AOL Radio because Mom left it up at Dynamic (which is where I will be spending the next couple hours because I came straight here from the pharmacy), and they've been playing some really amazing stuff. I forget that so much of it can truly be amazing and worth listening to because our local Christian station is ultra-cheesy and I can't stand it. Christian music should be incredible and full of truth and meaning and passion, not just some cheesy clapping tune, but that's another story.

Life is good. God is good. I have a job. Now, we just need to find one for Nikky and one for Heather.

You are love, you know.


Thursday, May 6, 2010

The Wine Glass, the Candle, and I

My purple wine glass sits
it's filled only with water
even ice has abandoned me
just the wineglass left
and the water

the candle flickers
and I know it gives off scent
one I would love,
but I cannot smell it

These things feel like an echo
I can see the flicker of passion
but cannot be warmed by it
And my heart and my body hold ready
the ache to be filled
but I stand waiting
filled like a wine glass of water
without even the tinkling of ice
against the sides