Monday, June 25, 2012

Where Have All the Wizards Gone?

A Jennie Lee Montgomery she not amazing?

As you may have noticed, I added a terribly cheesy off-the-cuff bit of poetry...

I use to be a writer.
A good one.
A good one becoming better every day.

Now, I'm a girl watching lightning bugs.  Watching the light fade behind the trees and wishing I could be part of the melting colors of the sky or the faded twinkle of the stars playing peek-a-boo with the night sky.

I miss writing poetry with real feeling, but I think I'm out of practice.

Tonight is a lot of cheerful hope mixed with underlying sadness for front porch talks gone by.

Nights like this make me miss Zuni's poetry and magic.  Few people have ever inspired me the way he did, and I miss that sense of wonder, talking in code, coming up with metaphors to describe love, and the advice.  More than anything I miss the advice.

Where have all the wizards gone?

Those wizards that could bring to life your idea or breath fire and light into the heart of you?  Spark magic into life?

I was never afraid when I had words of comfort, laughter, and hope to lean on.  I miss the reassurance that I was something perfect and magical myself.

Years of my life have changed much and much remains the same.  My heart bears more scars, but I look at them with a great deal more kindness than I thought I would ever have the grace to.  I love that they all tell stories of my greatest attempts...even if some were failures.

I fall in love with everyone I meet, and now I am at peace with this.  Someday it will not be love felt alone.

I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer...I need you so much closer

Lost in a Forest of Roses

Lost in a forest of roses
laying down beneath the buds
I stare up into the blooms
finding each is bright
each its own

They remind me of the ones
I have loved
Each man undoubtedly beautiful,
strength shown in their stance
But oh...the thorns

Thorns are unavoidable
maybe the pain caused
makes the rose (man) seem
more beautiful
to me

Gazing at these roses,
I find myself wondering
how many I will see
bloom and grow before my eyes
How many more will I give away?

Maybe I'm mixing metaphors
or similes, I couldn't say
Maybe it's silly to say 
or silly to ask
But I still wonder...

the rose
for me?

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Today is the First Day of my (Summer) Life

Ah, Summer.  You have returned to claim us again.

It is still warm, but not insanely hot like it has been for the past three days.  Seems kinda hilarious actually that it was so painfully, recordbreakingly hot for the last three days of Spring, and now it has dropped about ten degrees.  Not that I'm complaining.  Oh now, this weather is delightful and can stay or even continue to drop as far as I am concerned.  I'm better in cooler weather anyway.

But God's got this.  The weather is delightful.  The sunshine is making everything feel glorious and the breeze makes everything seem worthwhile.  The flowers are blooming, my brothers are working on a variety of things like resumes and thank you notes, and I am contemplating life in general.  I should probably be making a return phone call to the wonderful guy that called me earlier, but a friend of mine is supposed to be stopping by soon to show me a new project she has taken on and I want to make sure I am fully present.  I want to make sure my friend gets my best when I talk to him too, so that phone call will probably have to wait till tomorrow as both our schedules look to be filled for the evening.  At least that gives me something to look forward to (and be, for reasons I can't list, ridiculously nervous about..ha) for tomorrow.

Tomorrow will also hold yet another chiropractic appointment.  Hopefully after it I will not find myself wanting to cry for several hours which is typically the case, but I will say this, each of those appointments has made me feel a little better and made me a little more cheerful.

I did actually finally hear back from Dar at the office.  I emailed her yesterday to explain my situation after trying yet again to call the office and talk to her or Marc without success.  She emailed me back right away.  She really put my mind at ease.  Dar told me to make sure that I listen to my doctor and not push myself.  I am not to rush back to the office, but instead to make sure I am healing really well first.  You gotta appreciate that.  Now I just need to finish healing up and head back to work.  I am planning to return to work Monday.  Yes, this means I am down nearly two full weeks worth of pay, but if it keeps me from being in horrible pain because I am pushing myself too hard...I'll take it.

I also begin house-sitting tomorrow night.  I may take Joel and/or Forrest with me tomorrow night just to be on the safe side, but we'll see.  I may be doing fine on my own by tomorrow night.  I hope so.  I could use some time alone, as well as some time believing I am actually capable of taking care of myself again.  Plus, I just taking care of this house for my friends.  One of the best gigs you could ever have, and it gives me a little time to feel like an adult again.

Well, now I should probably sign off, but I shall leave you with a long overdue list.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (4:58 pm CST):

  • Golden sunshine
  • What's a Girl to Do? by Janet Folger
  • Unsweetened ice tea
  • "You Only Live Twice"
  • Cinnamint Mentha Lip Shine (Nikky, I am so addicted to this stuff)
  • The cooler temperatures
  • Finally hearing from my office manager!

Monday, June 18, 2012

So If I Want to Paint my Fingernails Green...

Today I am home yet again today.  I am getting tired of being home.  I am getting tired of hurting all the time.

The weird thing is, I feel like I am learning a lot about myself that I did not expect.  I am amazed by the way God will use something this lousy and teach you something good.

In my case, he is teaching me a great deal about my need to trust that other people have my best interest at heart, that I can rely on people when I actually need help, and that God will find ways to use this for the good.  I am grateful for the good.  Can't say this is what I had in mind for my life here, now, or ever, but I am glad this happened now instead of right after I move.  At least I was here and home safe.

Sometime this afternoon I have to face to my fear that my boss will be super mad at me and actually call.  I am really afraid of calling because I am genuinely worried that my boss will be furious and will decide that my absence is no longer acceptable and will fire me.  I really don't want to be fired.  I need the money.  Especially if I am actually going to be able to move in a couple months.  I could use a little prayer and hope.  I am also hoping that I can be brave and make some sense.  I am hoping I will be back at work at the end of the week, but I may not get to be back till next week.  Please pray for patience for me to heal and please pray that Marc will understand and have some patience for me too.

Until I can talk myself into doing that, I am going to work on just relaxing.  I painted my fingernails green today.  I realized this nail polish would have been the perfect color to match my bridesmaid's dress for Amber and Jake's wedding.  Too bad I didn't use it then, but I am enjoying looking at my fingernails sparkle.  I've also started watching all the movies I have never taken the time to watch.  I also have gotten some reading done, and I've written a bunch of letters.  All things I just haven't had the time or energy to undertake recently, but now, since I'm pretty much confined to the two couches in my living room because my walking radius remains very small, I am getting a lot done.  I guess at some point God might take you out of the game for awhile so that you actually focus on things that will matter and bring you real joy.  God is incredible.  He is the sneakiest guy I know, and I am grateful.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I Can Haz Wizard?

Picture by Jon H. Cheatwood
at the Jacob & Amber Ballard wedding reception
on June 9, 2012
So much is happening in my life these days.  This statement seems ironic considering I was told today that I have to stay out of work for roughly one more week so that my back will heal properly, but even with that holding me up from working and running around like normal, life is busy.

A week ago today I was trying to make sure a group of boys was recovering from a party, locating a dress for a rehearsal for an incredible wedding (and succeeding for the first time ever to locate a dress I loved this much so quickly), falling a little bit in love with someone while cheerfully realizing all my feelings for someone else had genuinely been erased by his stupidity and poor decision making skills, indulging my femininity, trying to make sure everything that needed to be down was done, trying to figure out what I needed to say in my toast, doing laundry, and thanking God for Jordan Durham every chance I got.  It was a crazy day, but I loved it.

Every minute of that week made me feel alive and necessary.  I was being asked to run errands, for my opinion, to help with things, to organize, to fix situations, to visit people, and I was highly in demand and desired.  I want every day for that to be the case.  Sure that life is a little crazy, but in Ohio I knew I had purpose.

For the past few months, well, for the past year or so really, I have been trying to figure out what I should be working towards in my life with little real break in the case.  When I was traveling in April, it was suggested by a variety of people that I move to South Carolina, Ohio, and back to Atlanta.  I have been thinking about that ever since.  At this point, I think I have figured out where I will be heading next, and I am beginning the process of making it happen.

My goal is to be moving in September.  I have no idea how to make that happen quite yet, but I do know that I will be attempting to save money this summer and looking for work in my new location.  I will also need to start truly downsizing.  I do not need to move so much junk.  I don't need to own so much junk.  Hopefully I will be able to donate many things to people who will love them more than I will, and it will be glorious.

Be praying on all fronts I guess.  I am thrilled to be rid of one ridiculous and destructive relationship, and I am hoping to eventually jump into a relationship with a real man.  This year, my twenty-sixth year, is already causing all kinds of havoc and change, and as messy as it already is and as scary as a move will be, it is time.  I am going to step out in faith and see where God lets me land.

One last thing, I have just this afternoon finished a new mix for my amazing, hilarious Jordan (mail is heading your way soon, my friend).  I hope he enjoys it, and I hope you will too.

I Can Haz Wizard?:
1. Daylight - Matt & Kim
2. Anna Molly - Incubus
3. Live My Life - Far East Movement feat. Justin Beiber
4. She Can Get It - Kevin Rudolf
5. And I - Box Car Racer
6. She Talks to Angels - The Black Crows
7. Down - Blink-182
8. We Use to Wait - Arcade Fire
9. Near Enough - Metasomatic
10. Good Arms vs. Bad Arms - Frightened Rabbit
11. Bitter - Teddy Geiger
12. Kiss on Me - Tyler Hilton
13. Edge of Desire - John Mayer
14. 2:00 Your Time - Ace Troubleshooter
15. I Won't Give Up - Jason Mraz
16. Heart of Me - Green River Ordinance
17. Secrets - OneRepublic
18. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
19. Tomorrow Will Be Kinder - The Secret Sisters
20. Wish You Were Here - Incubus

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Embrace the Suck

For the past two days I have barely moved.  My back started hurting on Monday but I chose to carefully ignore what I saw as a familiar sign to my back checking out.  Sure enough, Tuesday morning came and my back spasmed as I tried to talk to my car to head to the gym.  I ended up curled up on my front porch with both of my parents standing next to me trying to figure out what to do.  Within 5 minutes, I was laying on a couch on top of a heating pad that also massages your back.  So began a day of nothing but watching movies and ingesting as much in the way of ibuprofen as my body could stand.  I woke up this morning and called into work immediately.  If I don't get fired in the next couple weeks it will be a miracle with all the work I have missed so far this year from vacations, sickness, and now my back.

I find that the what is making me craziest is that I am completely vulnerable.  I have to rely on someone else virtually all the time.  In case you hadn't figured it out yet, I am terrible at letting other people truly take care of me.  It makes me feel useless.  I know I should be able to accept help, and I do sometimes, but when I am literally unable to stand up straight or walk more than a foot without serious makes it hard to do anything.  I have had to rely on my family to carry things for me, make my meals, put movies in for me, charge my phone, and bring me pain meds.  They have been wonderful, and I hate every minute of this.  I can't do housework, I can't go to work, I can't do anything I normally do.  I am stir crazy and super vulnerable and I am crying a lot.  You try dealing with this kind of pain and tell me you wouldn't cry.

On top of which, I find that because I can't be engaged in any real activities, I am thinking far too much about things that are not necessary to think about.  I am thinking about how much I miss friends, how much life is changing, how lonely I am, how guys still don't ever seem to see me as a woman (even when I am dressed up) and how I just want to feel loved.

My friend, Heather has been phenomenal (she always is), and she has been a constant source of encouragement these past two days.  She and I are so much alike it is scary, and she has been trying to keep my spirits up and help me to not wallow in my frustration over both this pain and my situation in life.  I was reminded by her today of a quote that I love from A.J. Jacobs where he talks about how we need to "embrace the suck."  The first time I read that I fell in love.

Doesn't it just make you smile in spite of yourself?  Yes, the day might be lousy.  Perhaps you want to throw your spine out a window and become a jelly fish.  Perhaps you want to run away someplace where you can hide and lay in a hammock until someone truly wants to seek you out and find your heart.  Perhaps you are just tired of being alone.  I am all of these things and more, but I am going to try to follow Jacobs' example and go for it.  Tonight I will embrace the suck and tomorrow I will do the same.  I will make the best of the bad, and somehow, this will all work out.

In the meantime, find the joy, my friends.