Wednesday, February 23, 2011
In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.
I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.
Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.
I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were married...it didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?
I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.
Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?
I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.
And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.
How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.
And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do anything...like actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?
Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.
It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.
I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.
If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.
Love you always & forever,
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
- Wrong Number Message to Terrence's Phone - Christie
- Soundtrack - The Damnwells
- Overkill - Colin Hay
- Over Thinking [Acoustic] - Relient K
- Possibility - Lykke Li
- Kiss with a Fist - Florence & the Machine
- Always be my Baby - Mariah Carey
- Cath... - Death Cab for Cutie
- Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls
- Grenade - Bruno Mars
- Gone - Nsync
- I Miss You - Blink-182
- Keep Your Hands Off Her - The Black Keys
- Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
- Toxic - Britney Spears
- Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
- How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
- Jude Law and a Semester Abroad - Brand New
- Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
- Whatya Want from Me - Adam Lambert
- I Need You - Relient K
Swans at Sunset, Valentine's Day Mix 2011:
- If You Believe Me - Relient K
- Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
- Good For You - Third Eye Blind
- Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe - Barry White
- Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
- If It's Love - Train
- Too Busy Thinking About my Baby - Marvin Gaye
- Hate that I Love You - Rihanna
- Father Figure - George Michael
- In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
- Savannah - Relient K
- How He Loves - David Crowder Band
- Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat
- The Only Exception - Paramore
- Two is Better than One - Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift
- Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath
- I Believe in You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
- Call me When You Get This - Corinne Bailey Rae
- Storybook Love - Willy DeVille
I realize the Anti-Valentine's Mix probably has some rather unexpected stuff on it. I typically avoid Britney Spears and Mariah Carey for instance, but hey, sometimes those songs work just fine. Feel free to enjoy them.
And Nikky, your copies are in your box. You'll get them soon enough!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):
- My freaking iPod
- Purple boxes full of Kleenex
- Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
- Knowing that people I love are in love
- The Damnwells
I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.
On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.
Oh look a distraction!
Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.
I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.
I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.
I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.
I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.
And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.
One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:
"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
- Kimmie & Miiitch because they're freaking adorable and hilarious and wonderful all rolled into one
- Texting on the iPod
- Feeling closer to being centered than I have for the longest time
- Romans 12
Monday, February 7, 2011
- Blank cards to write notes in
- Dating books (I'm a freaking joke today)
- Knowing I got my butt to the tennis court to play today
- "Say Yes to the Dress"
I'm feeling a bit like death at the moment. Not sure why I'm so drained, but I am. I guess it's probably because I had such high expectations for this day. My day has not been bad, it just wasn't what I had wanted.
Why is it that I want things that I can't have and have no claim on? Is this human nature or just selfishness and/or insanity?
I want to be better.
One last thing, I've had a verse in my head all day that I love:
"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good." -Romans 12:9 (from the Message)
I love this verse, and I'm going to hold onto it. Hold it in my heart and my head, and hopefully I'll do exactly what it says. That Paul was a smart guy.
- Sam's current presence in GA and the time I got to spend with him today
- Having Amber, Regina and Kimmie as my roommates
- Knowing my family and my church family back home are all cheering me on
- Knowing my schedule for the week
- Texting on the iPod
- People who are willing to pay for pizza
- Not being in trouble (Yet.)
- Getting to sleep in tomorrow
- Brown Bag lunches (I'm so looking forward to that tomorrow)
- Having a beautiful apartment to live in
- My bed (even if it's crazy squeaky)
Life is super weird, but it's very good.