Wednesday, February 23, 2011

And Now I Can Be Free

Dear Glawar,

In the past few weeks I have been thinking about you a lot. I know that things between us will never be the way they use to be, but I do need to get a few things out of my system.

I was sitting in my marriage and family counseling class last week, and a strange situation was brought up, and my professor told me that I should really work on getting to the root cause of the problem. What was the issue you might ask? Well, a friend of mine tried to touch the back of my knee. He was teasing me, and I know that, but without even thinking I turned and slapped him so hard that it left the imprint of 3 of my fingers on his arm. Fortunately he just thought this was hilarious and brushed it off and even apologized for startling me. I still feel really bad about it. I should not have reacted that violently. The more I've thought about it, the more I realized that this is partially due to the relationship you and I had.

Do you remember all the times I tried to touch you? I didn't want you to do anything crazy, and I never tried to pressure you into doing anything wrong. All I ever wanted was for you to put your arms around me, to hold my hand, to kiss me. I just wanted to know that you found me desirable in some way. There was never a time in our relationship that I didn't want to be close to you. I wanted to touch you. You had the most beautiful red hair, and you never wanted me to touch it because you were afraid I would mess it up. You had lips that I gladly would have spent all day kissing, but you would barely let me peck you on the lips. You had hands that I could have studied and held for forever, but you could only hold still with me for so long. You had a back that I gladly would have rubbed every knot out of, but you never seemed to feel I was good enough to do that.

I have spent the past 7 years gradually becoming more and more aloof from people physically, and after really thinking about this, I've realized a lot of this comes from the fact that I am terrified of being rejected. I no longer believe anyone could want me to touch them. The repeated rejection from you when you would reject me and then a few minutes later tell me that you couldn't wait till we were didn't add up. How could someone want to marry someone that they never wanted to be physically close to? How could you want me when you never seemed to be interested in showing it? How could you want me when I spent every day being rejected by you?

I don't think you ever realized what you were doing to my heart, and I know there are a lot of reasons for why you did this, but I need to be able to forgive you for the part you played in breaking my heart and causing me to lose faith in my abilities and desirability.

Do you know how hard it is to believe that someone could ever want me to touch them or love them when in the back of my head I can only hear your rejections? I still remember the first and only time you ever thoroughly let me kiss you. We were standing in the darkness of your driveway and you'd walked me to my car, and I remember staring up at the stars for a long time with you. I remember thinking that those millions of stars couldn't compare the the beauty of the man I loved, and you kissed me. It was beautiful and passionate and I wanted it to be every moment for the rest of our lives together like this, but instead it ended up being the only time you ever let me kiss you like that. I remember you ended the kiss, and while I was thrilled and hungry for more, you told me that it wasn't a good kiss. You NEVER let me kiss you again. From that moment on I barely got a real kiss out of you. Do you realize the remaining 8 months of our relationship had barely any passion to them?

I told myself time after time after time that you really did want me. That this would change after we were married.

And I believed it. I believed in you. I believed in your crazy plans and I believed that you really did want to marry me. I believed that shortly after we graduated that you would propose, and that as soon as we could after that, you would marry me. I believed that when we were married, you would let me kiss you all the time. Not those passionless kisses, but real fiery kisses. Kisses that would turn my insides out. I believed that after we got married I'd get to touch you because at that point you'd want me to. I let myself believe that you were just trying to protect my purity and your own.

How could I have been so blind? How on earth could I have let you reject me all that time and never catch the obvious fact that you didn't love me at all? I might as well have been dating a love song. You were all words and flowery statements, but you weren't a real person.

And you let me apologize for everything. You made me feel guilty for loving you. For wanting you. You made me feel guilty when I was trying to do nice things for you like write you love notes. You wouldn't even read them, and then you'd act like it was silly for me to waste my time writing these things to you because clearly you already knew anything I was going to say. Why on earth did I need to repeat myself? And if I ever asked you to do actually show me any kind of love at all...this was my own issue. You didn't need me to show my love, so why on earth should I need it?

Or how about all the times you flirted with other girls? You were always flirting with someone else, and if I ever questioned it or told you it made me feel uncomfortable and jealous you would tell me I was being silly because you were going to marry me. Why should I feel jealous when obviously you loved me? And I believed it.

It's been almost 7 years since we broke up, and I still bear scars from every rejection, lie, and excuse you ever gave me.

I'm sorry it's taken me all these years to just say this, but darling, I still love you. I will never let you have my heart again, but I do love you. I still see good in you that I think you forget exists, and I do forgive you for this. I think all that I've been through, and all that I went through with you, it's made me a far stronger person. It's also made me a lot more understanding and helpful for other people who have been through painful relationships like ours.

If I ever hurt you, I am truly sorry for this. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you needed, and I'm sorry that I assumed you were who I was meant to love. I hope someday we both find what we really need, and that God heals our hearts.

Love you always & forever,

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


This picture is a picture of my friend Sam. He probably doesn't know it, but he's a key part of my life. I'm fairly certain he took this picture of himself a while back, and it's a pretty sweet picture. Does it look professionally done to you? It really does me. He's rather amazing.
Let me tell you a little about this guy: he's magical. Maybe he doesn't know that, but he's something special. He's funny and passionate, and, for me, he's super easy to talk to. He's great to have weird late night conversations with, and I never feel too strange or like I'm putting myself too far out on the line when we talk. His faith in God is strong, and his passion is admirable. He's a loyal guy. His loyalty is one of his greatest qualities. I admire him for it. To be perfectly honest, I admire him for all of these things.
And he's talented. Very. He plays guitar and drums. I'm fairly certain he can play other instruments as well though I'm not sure what they are. Whether he realizes it or not, he has a great singing voice which I think people should get to hear just a little more often. He also does beautiful paintings. One of these days, I'd love to have one of those beautiful pictures up on my walls. Sam is also a photographer. I've been looking at a lot of his work recently, and I'm amazed. He has an eye for detail and beauty. It's amazing. He's amazing.
I guess I'm just pointing out that Sam is gifted. He is blessed. I am excited for him and his future, and I really hope he understands this. He's amazing, and I'm glad he's become a part of my life.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Swans vs. Weasels

(Pictures of some of the beautiful cookies I made for Valentine's Day this year)

I realized a few moments ago that I never shared with my gentle (or not-so-gentle) readers my Valentine's Day & Anti-Valentine's Day play lists for the year. For quite a few years now I have been trying to make these mixes every year for Nikky, and they've become a tradition that I truly enjoy. It allows me to look over the songs I love and find new things to adore. It also allows me to express my personal feelings on love in both good and bad directions. These mixes tend to make me happy. So, for your enjoyment, here are the play lists:

Broken Hearts & Rabid Weasels, Anti-Valentine's Mix 2011:

  1. Wrong Number Message to Terrence's Phone - Christie
  2. Soundtrack - The Damnwells
  3. Overkill - Colin Hay
  4. Over Thinking [Acoustic] - Relient K
  5. Possibility - Lykke Li
  6. Kiss with a Fist - Florence & the Machine
  7. Always be my Baby - Mariah Carey
  8. Cath... - Death Cab for Cutie
  9. Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls
  10. Grenade - Bruno Mars
  11. Gone - Nsync
  12. I Miss You - Blink-182
  13. Keep Your Hands Off Her - The Black Keys
  14. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
  15. Toxic - Britney Spears
  16. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
  17. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
  18. Jude Law and a Semester Abroad - Brand New
  19. Dancing in the Dark - Bruce Springsteen
  20. Whatya Want from Me - Adam Lambert
  21. I Need You - Relient K

Swans at Sunset, Valentine's Day Mix 2011:

  1. If You Believe Me - Relient K
  2. Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
  3. Good For You - Third Eye Blind
  4. Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe - Barry White
  5. Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
  6. If It's Love - Train
  7. Too Busy Thinking About my Baby - Marvin Gaye
  8. Hate that I Love You - Rihanna
  9. Father Figure - George Michael
  10. In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel
  11. Savannah - Relient K
  12. How He Loves - David Crowder Band
  13. Lucky - Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat
  14. The Only Exception - Paramore
  15. Two is Better than One - Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift
  16. Love Never Fails - Brandon Heath
  17. I Believe in You [Acoustic Version] - Tyler Hilton
  18. Call me When You Get This - Corinne Bailey Rae
  19. Storybook Love - Willy DeVille

I realize the Anti-Valentine's Mix probably has some rather unexpected stuff on it. I typically avoid Britney Spears and Mariah Carey for instance, but hey, sometimes those songs work just fine. Feel free to enjoy them.

And Nikky, your copies are in your box. You'll get them soon enough!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


5. Make a baby blankets for Jerry & Carrie’s little one and Dan & Rachel’s baby too.
9. Make mixes for more people.
11. Write more thank-you’s.
18. Hang the Swan in the apartment.
36. Buy/receive/inherit/collect an external harddrive.
40. Watch “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist” with Regina
44. Try to encourage Cynthia.
45. Shred whatever old financial junk that is feasible and safe to shred.
Yep. So far, so good.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Good Luck to You & Happy Valentine's Day

("Extraordinary Mind" by Andre Jordan...this was what made me love his work from the very start)

Favorite things of this very moment (8:22 pm EST):

  • My freaking iPod
  • Purple boxes full of Kleenex
  • Two sleeping puppies curled up on the floor
  • Knowing that people I love are in love
  • The Damnwells

I NEED to escape. There's only so much I can do before my heart explodes. Thankfully I have projects of my own to deal with. Bruno Mars has a voice that could probably soothe anything stressful and wrinkled out of my system. The ironic thing is I have been totally fine all day. How exactly is it that a person can feel sane and normal until after 8pm. Maybe I'm just not good at dealing with the night.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure I'm completely blessed. I was given a completely wonderful letter by my lovely roommate, Amber today. Made me cry, and made me super happy. Sometimes you just really need someone to tell you that they think you're awesome. Especially when you question that about yourself. I'm always questioning something anymore.

Oh look a distraction!

Life is beautiful, and I am grateful for the infinite amounts of love and kindness I have frequently been the recipient of lately...well really, I've always been this blessed. I just have a tendency to forget that.

I am grateful for Amber because she reminds me that I'm wonderful and tries to keep me grounded in reality when my heart is trying to run off without my head. Especially since lately my heart seems highly disconnected from reality. And I talk too much. Way too much.

I am grateful for Jake who adores Amber and is a brother to me now, even if that never becomes a legal reality. I'm glad he's a part of my life and I hope that never changes.

I am grateful for Nikky because she puts up with all my nonsense and still loves me. Even when I'm highly undeserving and an undeniable whiner. Really, she deserves a better best friend than me, but I hope she knows how much I love her. She doesn't hear it nearly often enough.

I am grateful for my mother. I'm not sure if she will ever realize how much of the time she is what is holding me together in the end. When my world is falling apart, my mother is usually the one who tells me I'm alright and that God will keep me together if I just let Him. How often do I need that kind of reminder? More often than I want to admit.

And God is good. Beyond good. God is amazing, and then more so. He's blessed me with a family that believes in me and is proud of me, and He's blessed me with friends who have my back and remind me that I really am something beautiful in my own time.

One last bit before I leave you. It's a verse that I've loved for a long, long time, and it's the one I always think of around Valentine's Day, so bear with me. This is Song of Solomon 2:7 from The Message:

"Oh, let me warn you, sisters in Jerusalem, by the gazelles, yes, by all the wild deer: Don't excite love, don't stir it up, until the time is ripe - and you're ready."

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


"Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone."
- Romans 12:17

Favorite things of this very moment (10:19 pm EST):
  • Kimmie & Miiitch because they're freaking adorable and hilarious and wonderful all rolled into one
  • Texting on the iPod
  • Feeling closer to being centered than I have for the longest time
  • Romans 12
I love so many things right now. I'm tired, and I still don't get how so much of this works, but I feel a bit more hopeful. I got to listen to a bunch of guys tell my uncle Jon that his ministry is wonderful and that he is wonderful. It was amazing.
Today was also a big reminder that I have a lot of good on my side. I received several random messages of kindness and love from friends and family that I didn't expect. As a result, I actually thought to ask for prayer today because I was reminded that people love me and will support me when I ask for help. It made today much, much, much easier.
God definitely brings the people into your life for a reason, and I am glad. I needed a good reminder of all the weird and the wonderful in my life.
I love you. Good night.


(A picture of myself and some of the wonderful, beloved people in my life)

I am grateful for the amazing people God has placed in my life. I'm sure you don't always believe that because I'm a bit of a mess a great portion of the time, but it's still true. God blesses me constantly with the amazing people He has put in my life. I hope I can be a blessing to them as well.

I am currently being challenged on a lot of levels by quite a few different people and situations, and my big concern right now is to figure out how to be the most loving and passionate in my pursuit of faithfulness to God. I have no idea what I am doing at this point, but I want to continue to step out in faith knowing that win or lose, I am being faithful in my actions. My willingness to fall and fail is key. I do believe we need to be tested in our faith at times, and I am fairly certain my ability to remain faithful is being tested as we speak. Please pray that I continue to move forward in faithfulness even when the road seems to dark to see.

My question for you this week is this: how can you be faithful to God? What are you doing to be faithful?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Today's Words

Good Things of this very moment (7:45 pm EST):

  • Blank cards to write notes in
  • Dating books (I'm a freaking joke today)
  • Knowing I got my butt to the tennis court to play today
  • "Say Yes to the Dress"

I'm feeling a bit like death at the moment. Not sure why I'm so drained, but I am. I guess it's probably because I had such high expectations for this day. My day has not been bad, it just wasn't what I had wanted.

Why is it that I want things that I can't have and have no claim on? Is this human nature or just selfishness and/or insanity?

I want to be better.

One last thing, I've had a verse in my head all day that I love:

"Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good." -Romans 12:9 (from the Message)

I love this verse, and I'm going to hold onto it. Hold it in my heart and my head, and hopefully I'll do exactly what it says. That Paul was a smart guy.

Life, But No Raptors Yet

(Picture by captain and company)

Should a person feel so comfortable with someone that they can lean up on their chair in front of them for a good 6 hours? So much for me behaving, although, I really haven't done anything weird or wrong. I am not trying to steal any one's boyfriend (because, let's face it, I do not stand a chance here at the moment), but I'd take him if he asked me too.

Moving on, so the Packers won the Super Bowl. My real question is why does no one pull people who are bleeding off the field and clean them up? Someone needs to do that.

Also, the drama of college life is always both hilarious and impressive. I can't decide whether we're dealing with crazy aliens or just incompetence and double standards. It's hard to say.

Things I am Truly Thankful For (12:47 am EST):

  • Sam's current presence in GA and the time I got to spend with him today
  • Having Amber, Regina and Kimmie as my roommates
  • Knowing my family and my church family back home are all cheering me on
  • Knowing my schedule for the week
  • Texting on the iPod
  • People who are willing to pay for pizza
  • Not being in trouble (Yet.)
  • Getting to sleep in tomorrow
  • Brown Bag lunches (I'm so looking forward to that tomorrow)
  • Having a beautiful apartment to live in
  • My bed (even if it's crazy squeaky)

Life is super weird, but it's very good.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

The Lover

"Come to the Lover you who want and you'll want no more."
- Tenth Avenue North, "Love is Here"

That bit of lyrics has been haunting me constantly for about a week. I find that I'm wanting all the time. All the time. I'm sure you've noticed. But I'm finding that this song actually makes me feel much better about everything.
It's like a reminder floating around inside my head and heart to tell me that I'm going to make it. I'm lonely, sure, but God is taking care of me. I just gotta keep running to Him.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Questions. I've Got Some Questions.

You may not be calling me a liar, but I am pretty sure I am.

Currently, the youth group I work with is going through Joshua Harris's video series "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," and tonight's discussion was on purity. This hit home. I've been wearing a ring since I was 18 that is just a plain silver band with the word "purity" written on it. I'm not going to pretend that I'm a super pure person or that I've made all the right choices, but I've been trying.

My real concern is this: what am I doing to really promote purity? What am I doing to maintain my purity? Or to help others maintain their's?

More I being pure in my current relationships?

I've become friends with a guy in the past few months that I think is something beyond incredible, but I'm not sure I'm really seeking his highest good. I think a lot of what I want also is seeking his highest good, but I don't think my intentions are pure. This worries me.

How does a person seek the highest good of another and put their purity as something worthy of protecting and maintaining?

So, so, so many questions.