Monday, March 22, 2010
Am I creating myself?
A new beginning
it’s time for a start
Finally feeling something bright in my heart
The breaks aren’t clean
not all wounds heal
but at least now I have a chance to feel
Using these hands to create something beautiful
maybe I can prove myself to be useful
Something new and different
Something bright and unseen
Maybe I’ll make you twinkle and sparkle
like sunshine on water
Maybe I’ll be able to sparkle some too
change and fade
in the sky
in my eyes
in my heart
and then the stars break through
red and blue and green
the pale white
the twinkling and sparkling
spinning and shining
a billion tiny lights
all glistening in the dark
full of secrets and wishes
kept for centuries
what whispers of love
could the stars tell
the stories of heartbreak
of elopements and weddings
of lust and swords
tears and trust
the stars paint me pictures
moving slowly with the world
as it spins
singing me to sleep
I stare at the moon and stars
and I wonder
where amongst them are you?
does your heart wander
amongst the quiet of the stars too?
there is comfort in knowing
you see the same moon
as I do
and I send out another
and a quiet prayer
that will hide itself
among the stars
until they find me you
Just the other night
At the bottom of a bag
That had yet to see the light
I clutched it to me tightly
And I laughed with pain and glee
I’d forgotten just how much
That tiny cross had meant to me
I remember the day you found it
I remember your delight
It was when your eyes still shown
With some beautiful semblance of light
Combing through row and rows
Tiny beads, bones and bows
Then at last you’d found the one
That tiny missing piece
You couldn’t believe your luck
Your soul had found release
It was just a tiny cross
In the middle of the jumble
But the way you smiled crooked
My heart couldn’t help but tumble
Because at that very moment
In the middle of our life
I knew I could spend the rest happily
If I could be your wife
With so much care and joy
For such a tiny cross
I just knew your faith in God above
Would never be a loss
That’s why finding this meant so much
This cross and I find ourselves
A common place:
Upon the unlooked at shelves
Of a heart
Once thought so true
I should have recognized
The faithless heart in you
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Because I do
The look in your eyes
like you've never heard the thunder
or felt the torrents of rain
How is that possible?
the calm of your ocean eyes
I am greens and blues,
a fog filled bay
that's the heart of me
are a clear mountain spring
new and bright as morning
And all I want to know
is if this is real
Maybe what I see
is the calm before the storm
because you could be
the eye of the storm
Or the heart of the sea,
the sea in me
- A&W Cream Soda
- Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams" cd
- The voices of the little ones playing across the hall in Mona Lisa's
- Having a job today
- Meeting so many different people this morning
- The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan
I've been rereading The Sea of Monsters today, and they discuss the fact that every hero has a fatal flaw. One of the characters fatal flaw is hubris (deadly pride) and it lead me to wondering...what is my fatal flaw?
I know I am proud, but I don't feel like I'd do a better job running anything really. Perhaps it's my lack of self-confidence. That might work...I mean I have a tendency to completely disown my own thoughts, feelings, and/or abilities at times. Or worse, my hopes and dreams.
Or maybe it's loyalty. The fact that I would do almost anything to protect and care for the people I love, sometimes even going so far as taking on their burdens as my own and not making them actually take the time to work them out, or allowing people leeway while forgetting my own needs. Maybe.
Whatever the case, I think it's something interesting to consider. I'll leave you with one final thought from Annabeth in The Sea of Monsters about fatal flaws:
"If you don't find it and learn to control it...well, they don't call it 'fatal' for nothing."
Friday, March 19, 2010
- That I have a job today and tomorrow at Basket Beginnings in Conover (you should probably come check it out)
- My "When Your Heart Aches" mix playing on the store's cd player (more on this later)
- The Olympians Series by Rick Riordan (read it, have your kids read it, your friends read it, your kids friends read it, and anyone else you know...they should probably read it too)
- That I should be getting the 4th book in the Olympians Series tomorrow (The Battle of the Labyrinth)!! Sweetness!
- Having plans to hang out with Jay & Ben with a box of juicebags (I'll be picking them up on my way home from work) on the front porch tonight (oh yes, this means Front Porch Talk season could be officially open for business!)
- Andy accepting my Facebook Friends Request (yes, you heard me, it's my favorite)
- My summer jewelry being something I feel the urge to wear again
- No socks!
My posts probably have made you aware, but I'm feeling a little crazy this week.
Have you ever had an event that basically throws you off-kilter? It makes everything seem discombobulated (hey, I spelled that right! Party! Bonus!) and different. Like you're looking at the world from a different perspective or having new bearings?
That's how I feel, and I don't know if that's a good thing yet or not.
I'm currently trying to work out how crazy I am, and also what on earth I'm really dealing with. Sometimes it's hard for me to truly place what's going on in my head and heart. I'm sure most people have this happen from time to time, and that pretty much sums me up. I keep looking at my heart and wondering...
Is this different?
Or maybe it's just in my head. Whatever it is, I'm acting crazy, and I'd like to get a good grip on my heart and head and make them agree...at least for a little while.
Anyway, as promised, and on a less dramatic note, more on the "When Your Heart Aches" mix: I guess all I really want to say is that this is my current favorite mix. I put it together this week, and it's virtually all I've listened to. I pulled the songs from various old mixes, a few new mixes, and just old beloved stuff. I needed something that would make me smile and feel a little happier in my own way. So without further ado, the mix...
When Your Heart Aches:
- This Time Around - Hanson
- Anchor - Brandon Clark & The American Standard (check them out on facebook, my friend, Brandon and his band are AMAZING)
- Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer
- Breezy - Conor Oberst (Thank you, Nikky)
- Don't Move - Butch Walker
- Oil & Water - Incubus (Brandon Boyd has a beautiful voice)
- Sitting, Waiting, Wishing - Jack Johnson (ah yes, the old theme song)
- I'll Be the Wind - Garth Brooks
- Moshi Moshi (acoustic) - Brand New
- Lips Like Morphine - Kill Hannah
- On Your Porch - The Format
- Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson (might not be the real title)
- Wreck Me - Butch Walker (I put this song on repeat often)
- Absolutely Still - Better Than Ezra
- Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance
- Restless - Brandon Clark & The American Standard
- Say - John Mayer
- Straight Up - Halifax
Thursday, March 18, 2010
all I hear is John Mayer singing,
"There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."
It echoes in my hollow chest
and rattles in my head
because I wonder what that says about me
Will you forget about me?
Please don't forget about me
I am scared you'll forget about me
Because you are something unexpected
and I keep catching myself dreaming
and white dresses
and a man in a tux next to me
That's when it hits me
he's always you
Since when does this dream have a face
is the heart in your chest beating in time with mine
Or is that just me
Hear me please
in the dark tonight
words will whisper in your ear,
"I wish you were here...
I'm scared you'll forget about me."
Those whispers in the wind
The wind will brush against your face
(I wish it was my hand)
And the moon and the stars will shine and see you
(I wish I could)
and the ache and words echo
"There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me."
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Last night was probably the worst so far this time around. I kept having to turn on my light and grab something more to read. I spent awhile reading different versions of John 1, and realized that this would only lead to me being aggravated. The NIV takes way too many liberties and doesn't really tie into the original Greek at rather important junctures. This probably didn't help my already keyed up mind very much. I eventually gave up trying to resolve my restlessness in John and turned my lights back off. There was quite a bit more tossing and turning and a few more questions asked of God. It made me all the more glad that I'd gotten rid of the leftover Viodocin I'd found in my dresser from when the doctor gave me some for my back. Those pills were going to become trouble if I didn't get rid of them, and I'm glad God gave me the sense to recognize that. I can pretty much guarantee they would have been what I turned to last night if I hadn't destroyed them.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I can’t help but feel the need to scream
above the beat and above the world
where are we going to now?
And where are you?
Are you really what I’m seeing
I don’t trust my vision anymore
if you were me,
you’d know that sometimes what you see
isn’t anything like what you get
And if you had scars from all the times
you’d been burned,
heart and soul,
Wouldn’t you question this?
Perhaps it’s a gift
or maybe just desire
but your graciousness sets something in me on fire
And how can I deal with that
Sky spinning as I fall
But where am I falling too?
the ground is soft
Or is it my bed
I don’t know
And I’m not inside my head
Instead I’m breaking
And somewhere out there
that could hold my head
he could be a figment too
And I’m crying and praying
driving like a maniac down rain covered streets
blackness and tired coating all of this
Why in the rain do I feel fire?
And I still see your smile when I close my eyes
- Knowing the Go Serve Team got my letters this morning and that it gave them all something to smile about (and possibly think I'm a psycho for...ha)
- Brand New's song "Moshi Moshi"
- Black tank tops & long jeans
- Getting a few minutes to talk to Ben
- Knowing I've only been up for 2 hours (Do you know the last time I slept in?)
- New music to listen to
- Memories of this past weekend
This weekend was wonderful.
Let me try to explain what it felt like.
Imagine being stuck in the middle of the desert without water. You're alone and you are completely dried out. You can't remember how long you've been like this, and you aren't sure how much longer you can hold on. Then imagine being found and rescued by people who love you and they have tons of cold, refreshing, life-giving water with them. That's a little bit what it was like.
I have felt like a fire doused with water. Smoldering embers of a former fire.
But this weekend was a fire renewed. The Go Serve team comes up from ABC and lights everything back up. I had a purpose and was surrounded by friends. It was wonderful. The concept of the Go Serve team is for a group of college students go around to churches around the country and help out in any way they can. They clean and help and do literally whatever they can to be of use. It was inspiring and wonderful.
Spent a lot of time talking to the crew, working with them so that I could serve along side them and help them in any way I could, made a new friend, and got to grow my relationships with some friends.
Life is good and I needed hope. Without meaning to, they definitely supplied it. God gave me a gift of a good weekend with people I love. A mini oasis in life. I am grateful. Hopefully I'll be able to further that fire. Hopefully you'll find something to do that for you too.