Monday, December 16, 2013

Noah & Allie

I remember a time when I believed that I was Noah from The Notebook.  Not the movie version so much, but definitely the book version.  I knew who my Allie was, and I still believed that somehow, someday, my Allie would some how turn back up at my doorstep and we'd find a way to make it work.  Not because it would suddenly be easy, but because we'd realize that what we had was worth the fight every day.

I can't help but smile at my hope then.  He was such a muse.  I wrote a great deal of my very best work because of him.  I knew how I felt about him always, but time's let that change.  I'm grateful for what we had, and I hope to someday find something even better.

It's amazing how opening an old book and seeing words you underlined in what seems a lifetime away can reawaken old memories and dreams.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

(100) Completion

Here's to completion
& new opened doors
Prayers & hopes
& cutting room floors
This is the moment
We start over new
This chapter is over
What do we move on to?

(99) This Duet

The time has come
The sun has set
We won't finish
This duet
There is a time
& a place for us
But it won't be found
Within these walls
Or in this bed
The future may hold
A fighting chance
Where love is come
& we find romance
But if we never
Find our way
At least our hearts
Have memory of today

Saturday, December 7, 2013

(98) What I Needed

You were right when you said
The best cure for being homesick
is a joke
How does it happen
that whenever I am toeing the edge
you show up & pull me back 
to safety?
I'm not claiming you're a superhero
Lord knows you've broken my heart
More times than I want to relive
But you show up when I need you
Sometimes before even I see
the messed up bits of me surfacing
One of these days I hope I can
repay you love & laughter
for every saving grace
& tell you the crazy I have inside
Somehow makes sense
When I'm talking to you
For now I'll keep making you laugh
& finding myself glad to have,
in you, a better half

(97) Wish

Make a wish
I see the clock
& I make the same wish
Every time
It's just like
The year I was 8
& every day at lunch would
find the folded chip
& wish for a kitty
& say a little prayer
I was the persistent widow
At the age of 8
So I won't stop my wishes
Or my prayers
Till I find you 

(96) Clear

There are about a million words
Running through my head
They zoom down to my heart
& flicker back again
The heat, this strange new bed
Anything to avoid
The homesick & the dread
All these strung along projects
All these half finished plans
How will I ever be whole again
Please God, fill the empty spaces
& the aching lonely nights
Cleanse away the memories,
the angry words, the fights
Help me find peace where you've led me
So I can build a home & put down roots
I just want a place to belong 

(95) Repeat

We have the same talk
I ask the same questions
I cry the same tears
My words get in the way
I get too close
I try too hard
I love too quick
It breaks my heart

So I look at this pattern
To find the weak link
Because otherwise
My heart will sink
& I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning

(94) Dear God


Please fix my heart. I don't want to feel achy & broken & free falling knowing full well the only thing is rising up to meet me is the ground. I deserve something real & not these one-sided best friend jobs I fall into easily. Don't let me fall right back into that old pattern. 


(93) You

Glorious nights of eggnog & giggling
RiffTrax & friendships
Quick conversations with beautiful hearts
There's always hope
Always a reason to smile
Little things, big things
Maybe home isn't a location
But where your love is
Even if that means home is in 3 or 4 locations
At least I have (a) place(s) to call home
Have you realized yet
That a part of my heart travels with you

(92) Light vs. Dark

Some nights I wonder
If my dark is
starting to win over my light
that all my shame
& all my brokenness
will be all anyone can see
& I'll be left alone
Because who could ever love
a hypocrite jerk like me