Sunday, January 31, 2010

I am an Idiot.

Favorite things of this very moment (7:14 pm CST):
  • Korean Pop
  • Taeyang (he is pure beauty)
  • T.O.P. (his voice is magic)
  • the box from Nikky...magic, magic, magic
  • "Fool's Gold" on DVD

I've come to the conclusion that the concept of always want what you can't have is just reality. Not always. Smart people love what's freely given. They're content with life. They're thankful for their God given talents and treasures.

But not me.

No, I'm an idiot.


I think this year I'm going to work on being content. I'm fairly easy to please. I find joy in incredibly minut things. Details, sidewalk chalk, stars. So why can't I find happiness in everything else? I've been blessed with fair health, a wonderful family, the best friends a person could ask for, so what is my problem? What is there not to be content with? Is it not enough? Will God not provide for all my needs?

I am an idiot sometimes.

Crooked Lines

My eyes are dry
but they feel like the tears are forming
You could set me off
Like I'm a time bomb
a broken clock
a cracked pane of glass
There's a twinge in my voice
that reaches to my heart
Even if there is a boy with a beautiful smile-
I can't seem to shake you
You're next to me when I turn around
Don't claim I matter
I know the weight of the wounds I bear
and you seem untouched and whole
Sometimes I wish I could cut your soul
because you've torn mine
it's only what's fair
And it was so smooth
like a razor's silk edge
But my wounds aren't straight lines

Friday, January 29, 2010

Serious Business

(A picture of my heart...yes, it is being guarded by a spider. Jeff won't touch it that way, I guess. Ha.)

Favorite things of this very moment (10:57 am CST):

  • K.D. Lang singing "Golden Slumbers/The End"
  • The absolutely pure gold sunlight that's covering everything this morning
  • Heat
  • The lovely purple tulips Mom and I picked up this morning
  • Knowing I'll get to see Nikky this evening along with quite a few other good friends
  • Blue Gummi Sharks (the BEST gummy candy in the world, even better than Cars from IKEA), and that they're selling them at Snyder's in Oregon again
  • Mira
  • Knowing I still get to watch "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs" before I leave for the retreat this afternoon
  • Nikky's box (I can't wait to give it to always, it's completely bizarre and full of crazy letters)
  • Linkin Park (they may not stop anyone's heart, but I sincerely adore them...they're addictive for me...why is that?)

I may very well have brought up this quote before, but if I have, it bears repeating:

"I need to be with somebody who understands that love is serious business, that I am serious business, someone who will stay forever, someone who won't betray me and then come around with a 'Hey, I'm sorry, I won't do it again' the next day and think that makes everything just dandy. I've got a hole in my heart here. I'm not taking any more chances." -Crusie & Mayer, Agnes & the Hitman

I love this quote. I ran over last night when I was flipping through the book again. After finding that passage again, I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up taking it with me in the van this afternoon. It's probably real questionable, but I want to reread it again. I've probably already read it 3 or so times, but it's just a great book. Action, romance, good food, the mob, conspiracy, humor...and that quote.

I fully agree with it. The quote sums up a lot of what I'd love to find in life. I'd like to find someone who takes love as seriously as I do. Someone who is interested in fighting to keep a relationship healthy and together. Someone who isn't just in it for them, but is in it for "us." Who is interested in maintaining a balance, and who won't try to buy my affection. My affection cannot be purchased. I'm not that easy.

You know what I want? I want time. I want someone who wants to actually be around me. To be willing to sit on the front porch and just watch stars and make fun of everything with me. Who will be okay with staying home to watch movies and eat homemade pizza. Who will make me mix cds, and who will read letters if I write them to him. Who will be my best friend and so much more besides. Who I can touch. Someone who believes that I am worth his time, and shows me.

I am serious business.

Friday, January 22, 2010

The Bluebird of Happiness is Flying with Me

(The beautiful picture above is from, I believe, the movie "Perhaps Love")

My favorite things of this very moment (3:55 pm CST):
  • The ever so classy music of the Eurythmics
  • The last of my coffee from Kayla and I's coffee stop this morning
  • Knowing that sometime in the future I'll be getting a paycheck (even though it won't be a lasting job)
  • The beautiful picture there at the top, it's just...lovely
  • Warm "Who" socks (they really do look like they're from a Dr. Suess book)
  • Oatmeal, chocolate chip, butterscotch chip cookies (homemade...mmmm)

Today has been a lovely day. Sometimes life just really fits together properly, and today was one of those rare and lovely days.

Kayla and I had coffee this morning and then went to the bank. We worked from about 9 this morning till around 2. It's nice to get to spend time with one of your very best friends, to catch up on so many details in life, and also get paid for it. Like I said, sometimes God brings all those beautiful little pieces into place. Even if tomorrow doesn't sparkle quite the same way, I know today was a glorious little piece of perfection.

Little bits of loveliness: classical guitar music; a new cd by Coffey Anderson (called "Worship Unplugged 1" which was great) from Kay & T; coffee with one of the most genuinely beautiful women I know; lots of catching up; working (with the knowledge I'll actually get a paycheck for this); lunch with Kayla, Dad, & Becky Hall (she's great, Brian and Kim have one of the coolest mom's ever); Sousa marches (*smiles*); finding out Gail would be willing to cover for me so that I don't have to teach next Sunday (with the hopes that this will make it easier for me to find a way to Refuge); homemade has been wonderful.

The best part? It's not yet over. I still have 8 hours of this lovely day yet to live. I hope God blesses your day with a great deal of joy and wonderment, and I hope that carries over into your weekend and all through the coming week.

Love. *smiles*

Thursday, January 21, 2010

"For I Know the Plans I Have for You..."

(The picture above was taken by Nicole Rowell, and I think it's beautiful)

Favorite things of this very moment (10:34 pm CST):

  • Knowing the outcome
  • Crazy Love by Francis Chan
  • Ice water
  • Long, prompt emails from Jay
  • Having breakfast with Kayla and T to look forward to

Today has been a little surreal. Actually, this week has been a little surreal. The whole of it. The week started out with me running through a list in my head of all the places I could still try and apply to find a job. Not my favorite task, but a necessary one. A new job must be found. This is one quest that can not be thrown aside.

Monday was a holiday, and that day was spent with my family, and then also in going to Augustana College in Rock Island, IL to see my youngest brother, Joel perform in a concert as part of the Gold Honor Ensemble. The concert was fantastic. The Augustana Ensemble played, the Gold Honor and the Blue Honor Ensembles also played. Everything was wonderful. Augustana is a beautiful college. If only they offered library science there...

Tuesday started off fairly quiet. I'd made my to-do list for the week, and was getting some of the chores out of the way like laundry and cleaning of catboxes (oh the joys of catboxes...gick), and then my father called. He told me that he had a job for me. I needed to come over to the bank, they'd had a problem with some calendars they ordered, and they needed someone to go through them. I ended up there by 1 that afternoon.

Wednesday, I spent all day working at the bank, but also set up an interview on Thursday at a home for the mentally disabled. Listened to a great deal of The Return of the King. Tolkien is brilliant.

Thursday...ah yes, today...

Today has been weird. I battled a great deal of ice and spent some time salting our driveway and walkways here at the house, and then I got ready and went off to my interview. The interview seemed to go pretty well. I had to take a 25 questioned, short standardized reading test while sitting in the dining room. One of the residence was in there eating lunch. Very sweet, but very loud. Imagine trying to write an important paper with the TV all the way up and your siblings talking to you. That was basically what the test was like. Aparently I did alright on it though. I then filled out the form giving my consent to having them run a background check on me (I have nothing to hide). Then I went and talked with the woman in charge of the home as well as the clerk for both the homes in Oregon. That seemed to go pretty well. They seemed to like me fairly well, and they answered all the questions I'd been saving.

They told me that they would contact me this evening if they needed me to come back in for a 2nd interview tomorrow. It's almost 11pm now, and I haven't received a phone call. They aparently don't need me. Hopefully though, Kayla will get a call. She also applied there and her interview was yesterday. Tomorrow I get to meet Kayla and Terrence for a breakfast-esque type coffee outting before Kayla and I head over to Stillman to work with the calendars (she started helping out there today), so I will hear whether or not she got a call at that point.

What this all comes down to though is that this week has been rather bizarre. I am exceedingly grateful that someone in China screwed up the printing of hundreds of calendars going to a small, locally owned set of banks in a rural IL area. Those mistakes have provided me with a short term job that will help me make yet another car payment without having to touch my savings account, and that is a truly blessed event. Beyond that, I've also realized how terrifying I find the concept of working with mentally disabled adults. I need to learn more about what working with them is really like. I'm sure the work is very rewarding, but I've never been around adults with mental disabilities, so I'm just not sure what it's like.

This also means that I am back to handing out more applications and collecting still more. There will continue to be odd jobs until I can find something permanent. Of this I am fairly certain. There's always someone needing something. See a need, fill a need, right? *smiles*

Besides, this is just one small part of my life, and an even smaller part in history. One never knows where it leads.

Have a wonderful night.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Surrender & Hope

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives.”
-Francis Chan, Crazy Love

Talk about a slap across the face. Last night I practically cried myself to sleep in a whiny and frustrated act of self-pity. All I could think about was how there couldn’t possibly be any guy out there searching for me. That I would be alone forever. That Kyle was right, maybe I am supposed to cause single forever because there can’t possibly be anyone out there who wants me.

It’s like 1:30 in the morning last night, and all I can think about is how I don’t want to be like Pat and Earlyne (even if they are happy being single and have amazing ministries). How I don’t want to be single forever, how unfair it is that I would have so many dreams and never get them fulfilled.

Me, me, me, me. Whine, whine, whine.

Then this morning, I’m still thinking about this. Frittering my life away by detail as Thoreau would say, and then I start reading. I am reading my Bible. I was reading in Ezra about the rebuilding of the temple. God had such specific detail and directions for the temple. So much detail and He understood them all and made sure everything was just right.

Then I open up Crazy Love and start reading Chapter 2: You Might Not Finish This Chapter, and Francis Chan is talking about how there is nothing normal in any given day. It only seems normal because we (I) wrap ourselves (myself) in our (my) worries and personal lives (life).

Each day is detail and wonder, and this shouldn’t suck away my life and heart. No, it should be expanded to the point of bursting.

What is it to worry? It is to think God can’t control it all or that He doesn’t know me well enough to see and understand my dreams, and to think that He has forgotten what He has created me to be. It is to forget that God is big enough, powerful enough, and loving enough to take care of what is happening in my life.

God is big, powerful (all-powerful), and He loves me.

God has placed in my heart a large and plentiful supply of love that is holding on for the day He brings the right guy into my life. He has given me my dreams, and God knows all the details of my life. All of them.

God will make a way when there seems to be no way, like it says in that song.

More importantly, I do need to surrender my dream of finding the right guy and falling in love. Not because I should give up hope and not because it will never happen, but because I don’t know how it will happen. Only God does, and on top of that, God knows every detail and dream and whisper of a hope in my heart and far He knows them fair better than I do; I wouldn’t even know what I should be asking for.

This should actually give me more hope. God loves me and knows my details. When I cry myself to sleep thinking God’s being unfeeling or that He will take my dreams from me, I’m being an idiot.

The only time God will take my dreams from me is so that He can take them, reshape them, and make them even better.

Two verses to ponder:

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.”
-Song of Solomon 3:5

and finally:

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also in set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.”
-Ecclesiastes 3:11

Sunday, January 17, 2010

A Poem for Tomorrow

I’ve written poetry for most of my life
but I still can’t describe
all the beauty I see
The grace in your smile
or the amazement I find in the number of eyelashes
encircling your midnight eyes

Everything in me marvels
you are details and silk
You are long fingers and shaggy hair
Each strand that falls in your eyes
makes me ache

The face that I want you more
with each word you say
(even when you’re mad)
and with each breath you take…

It still takes me by surprise
that something like you exists

And more.

So let me kiss your perfect fingers
and work my way back to your lips
and savor everything in between
And while we’re at it
tell me all your dreams
the fact that it’ll take the rest of our lives
to learn all your details
brings a smile to my lips

Let’s take the rest of time
Each minute is yours
Now and forever

hair to toes
heart and soul
inside and out
You’re my one bit of perfection
The only miracle I’ll ever need

If I had to ask room service for three things…
Well, really,
You’d be all I need

Do you want anything?

Honestly, you are everything
that I didn’t expect
and you’re more than enough proof
that a loving God exists
and that I never knew
what I should ask Him for
I’m glad
because that means I got you.

I love you
because you sparkle,
twinkle, shine, glow
You’re all the magic I need

and no matter how long I write poems
the words will never encompass
all the love I have for you

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Standing Still or Chasing Windmills: Does It Really Matter?

Sometimes the ache is so bad I can’t move
And it will present itself in the weird creak in my spine
Or the catch in my ribs where it feels like my insides are tearing apart
Usually it’s in these moments that I realize, it’s just my heart

Nothing truly breaking,
At least not in the physical sense…

And tonight it finally hit me,
The reason behind the fact I’ve never finished reading your book
Or finished reading all your beautiful poems
It’s because of this:
If I finish them…
I finish you

Maybe that’s just silly
And that’s not the way it really is
But when I sit and read your words
I hear your laughter and your tears
It’s like you’re still here

And I worry…
Will this last?
If I finally complete my reading list
Will I still hear you?
Or will you finally be gone?

I’m savoring.
The laptop and sweatshirt are gone from this life
They followed after you
There’s a baseball cap from Seattle in my glove box
Which no one really understands
And there’s a full folder on my computer of pointless email surveys I once took
With all my original answers
Because they all talk about you in present tense

Present tense doesn’t seem to exist anymore
At least not during long nights
Or when I find myself drawn inexplicably to the poetry I never finished reading
When I think of where I can find true words
Words of love and longing
Of the void and ache of heartbreak
Or the perfection of true love
When I need a laugh that rings true through all years and times
(and maybe even dimensions and space)
I search you out

Or the echoes of you.
These quiet shadows your laughter
And the few pictures that I have
Is it pathetic that it still drives me crazy that I don’t have a single picture
Of the two of us?
I guess it really doesn’t matter
I still knew you best
And what could be better than that?

To know someone’s favorite movie
And have a collection of mixes specifically from them
To know one person really understood
Because you really did
I can still say you knew me better than anyone else ever has
And I wish…

Well, mostly,
I wish you were still here

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Few Good Words & a New Social Experiment

(The above painting is called "Winter Melody" and it's by Leonard Afremov)

I have been staring at my blog off and on all day. For awhile now I've been wondering what I'm doing writing this thing. It was one thing to have a Xanga (which I still do: crashesthewho), but to have a blog that I just kinda have off to seems strange at times.

I guess it all comes down to having my own little corner in the world. I'm not saying anything big or necessarily anything different, but I am saying something. My voice isn't very loud and I don't try to draw much attention to myself, but I'm still doing something. I'm questioning life and reality and dreams and hope and love.

This blog is just a way to say aloud all the questions and fears and dreams and wonder that I have tumbling around in my head. Sometimes this little quiet corner is just about the only place I say what's really in my heart.

Today though, as I was once again questioning what the purpose of all of this truly was, I saw that I had a comment. This doesn't happen very often, so it's always nice to see when it does, but this comment was different. It was from someone anonymous, and it was a lovely comment. I have to admit I've been feeling pretty withdrawn and alone today, and my anonymous friend probably doesn't realize this, but their words meant a great deal.

Every day I wonder if I ever touch lives even in the smallest of ways, and it was nice to hear that something I draw and the things I write actually are finding their way into the lives of other people. I needed that reminder.
After a great deal of time by myself today, I started thinking...I wonder what would happen if I spend each day focusing on making one person's life better? Even if I can't do anything major, what if I just try to make one person's life a little easier or better? Say I focus on making one of my brothers' lives better: I could make sure their chores are done or pick them up their favorite soda. Nothing huge, but just a little something that they might not expect. Or maybe call a friend or write them a letter to let them know they're important to me. Little things. (Have you noticed that I'm real into doing the little things? ha.) I think I'm going to try it for awhile and see what happens. Just another mini social experiment.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


I'd like to confess.

I cry during children's movies. "Robots", "Mulan", "Matilda", and today it was at the end of "Horton Hears a Who" (and Jesse McCartney was the voice of cool is that).

I actually do like Celion Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On." Even if I have heard it roughly a million times and it's cheesy beyond reason.

On the other hand, I still have never watched all of "Titanic" though I once did watch the last 30 minutes and I laughed when Jack died. It was during my "I-hate-Leonardo-DiCaprio" phase. The phase where I rejected whatever was Hanson.

(Note: I actually do like some Hanson now...they're just so darn catchy.)
I've owned 2 laptops but never paid for either. I am blessed with people who love me.

I can quite easily eat an entire box of cheese-its in a single sitting. Or oreos for that matter.

I prefer my peanut butter and my chocolate separate. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it's true.

I once wrote a xanga entry about thinking about becoming a lesbian or bisexual because I felt that being more open about my thoughts would be healthy, and I also thought that if I was completely open about things like that that the boy I was in "love" with at the time would see that I truly was an amazing girl and worth pursuing. Instead my saying that lead people to think that was questioning my sexuality (, and, I think, put more distance between myself and the guy (though he claimed I was "brave"...ha).

My parents have never heard me swear. Ever. My father once did catch me writing a pretty angry and scared letter once, but he's never brought it up again. I do not swear often, but I do not deny that I do swear. (I've said stuff here for crying out loud, so I better not deny it.) It rarely is spoken aloud. I prefer the words "damn" and "hell" to anything else.

I find all potty humor gross. Ever once in awhile it's funny, but it's rare. Farting, poo, any of it...gross. Just not my kinda thing. It's probably good I didn't go into teaching kindergarten for a profession after all. ha.

I confess I did once consider running away. I'm not counting the time I said I would run away when I was about 5 or 6. I mean when I was 19 and my heart had been completely broken by the death of my best friend and I found myself driving around alone at night in the suburbs of Atlanta wishing I was old enough to go into bars alone. If I had had enough money in my account that night, I would have run, and God only knows what would have happened to me. I'm also glad I wasn't old enough to drink because that would have probably lead to me waking up next to someone I'd never seen before with an awful hangover the next morning.

I have never considered killing myself. Ever.

I confess that I rarely shave my legs during the winter. My skin is already crazy dry, and I find that shaving them just makes my legs feel itchy. I do honestly intend to shave them often when I'm married and therefore have a reason to have nice smooth legs.

I have been drunk once. Truly drunk. It was at Kayla Raper's bachelorette party this past summer. I drank more that one night than I've ever drunk at one time, and I don't intend to do that ever again. I will say though, it was an interesting experience.

I have been pseudo-engaged once. Jeff Leifheit told me he wanted to marry me and promised me many things, and I agreed. We talked about getting married all the time, and had names picked out for our kids, wedding plans made, and a whole life planned out. I wanted to marry him, and it still haunts me sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit). When I turned 22, all I could think about was how by that point I should've been graduating ABC and within a year Jeff and I should have been married. People change. But I hate him for that sometimes.

I confess that I once hit a car in the parking lot at M&M on Christmas Eve with my parents mini-van, and I never told them. That's why Jeff nicknamed me Crash.

I am a bit OCD. I like to have crayons lined up according to color (anything coloring related really...), I like things to be stacked according to size and shape, and generally like things in some kinda of order.

I confess that I am obsessed with lists. Grocery, playlists, books I want to read, movies I own, to-do, packing, etc.

I also confess that I never did watch the Scientific America special on Robots. I hate robots. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't like them very much. Not the talking, moving, think for themselves kind. They freak me out. I am scared of talking toys. I blame accidentally seeing part of "Gremlins" at the age of 4.

I confess that I am a very sexual being and that I often don't know what to do with the energy that's left as a result. I don't know what to do with myself or what project could help me refocus.

I am a sucker for poetry, especially if it's about love. And sad songs. And the music of boy bands of the late 90' through now (I'm listening to Westlife as I type this for crying out loud).

I also must confess that I occasionally drop by a couple of my guy friends facebooks and simply ponder. Not stalk because I avoid following what anyone does on facebook because that just makes me feel weirder than I already am, but there are a couple of guys whose relationship status is a continual interest to me, and who's pictures constantly make me feel inadequate.

I feel inadequate, and have been trying to keep myself from feeling like there's no way that I will be alone forever.

I confess that the only reason I have ever hated Valentine's Day is because I don't like being alone and I hate the commercialism that's just over sprouted out of it (but it's mostly that I don't like being alone).

And lastly, I confess that yesterday I ran over the lid to our garbage can while backing out of the driveway. It didn't break though, so I didn't feel like it really mattered if I brought it up.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good talk.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I'm Tired

I'm tired of being lonely.
I'm tired of being afraid.
I'm tired of being the guy everybody talks to;
The guy that people want to talk to and work with
And hang with.
I thought it was cause they liked me.
Turns out I was wrong.
They talk to me cause they know I'll listen,
And I'll be there to shelve out advice.
They work with me
Cause they know I'm on track and I'll get the job done.
They hand with me
Cause they're bored
And they know I'll be there when nobody else will.
I'm tired of being the nice guy
Everybody shits on.
I'm tired of being the friend
Who's never more than a friend.
I'm tired of seeing what I want
Walk out the door and I sit there helpless.
Now I have to live with the fact that she's going
Away to live her life and I can't do shit about it.
I'm tired of all this crap.
I wanna go to sleep.

-Jacob Zuniga

Monday, January 11, 2010

Clearing Out the Dross

Favorite things of this very moment (11:28 am CST):
  • A great feeling of accomplishment because I've already got the dishwasher running, the table cleaned off, the catboxes cleaned, basement swept, and laundry running
  • Feeling that JJ had a good time while he was here and knowing I did too
  • Coffee (and having lots more if it too myself...he didn't drink nearly as much coffee as I expected)
  • Having figured out what to get Joel for his birthday...oh yeah
  • Christmas lights (even though I need to take them down soon...*sigh*)
  • Knowing there is always another book to read

I decided I need to amend my book reading goal. It's not that I won't deal with those books, but rather that the rules need to change a bit. I am not going to promise or say I will read all of them. I will go through all of them, but I've come to the conclusion that if a book is making me miserable or it's boring me to an unhealthy extent or it's just bad (too graphic or simply poorly written) that I will find that book a new home. I'll give to someone who might actually enjoy it, donate it to the library, or I'll take it up to the Painted Pony and trade it in for a book that I actually want to read. We'll see how it goes. Whatever the case, I'm going to get through the full list.

This morning I started reading Shakespeare's' The Taming of the Shrew. I'm already a little uncertain of how I feel about it. This one is definitely one I'll finish, but I'm not sure I like the premise of the story. Lots of tricks, lots of money hungry buggers, and women being submissive (which I realize is biblically sound, but husbands aren't supposed to be like these guys as far as I can gather...hmph). All in all, it should prove to be an interesting read.

To my earlier comments about discarding what I can't find worthy...I'm going to be doing a lot more of this all year. I'll recycle and give away all that I can, but when something needs to be tossed in the trash, that will happen too. I've decided this year is about simplifying life and recharging. This also means cleaning away the layers of accumulating dust. I feel like I've been hoarding a lot of things that need to be let go of or given away and destroyed. It feels like the stuff and memories in my life have become too much. Just a lot of stuff. No real value.

Like I said, I plan to give away a lot of things this year. I'm pleased to say I already took a stack of old books that I couldn't give to the library or friends up to the Painted Pony. That was lovely. Traded a stack of books I defintely didn't need for a pair of books I really do want to read. A good trade I think.

Next to go will be the old clothes and stuff I never wear, and then we'll see where it goes. All I know is that when all this cleaning, clearing, and shuffling is over, I hope to have only stuff I actually see value in.

My Mom for years and years now has had an old notecard attatched to whatever calendar we're using in the kitchen and it contains the following quote:

"Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." -Henry David Thoreau

I'm going to follow Henry David Thoreau's advice to the letter.

You have a wonderful day.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

ADD of the Soul

My toes find their way to tap to the beat
and as I sit,
I stare at this lined page
and wonder
Because, let's face it
I'm not in control
and I'm not going to claim to know
what comes next
and where I'll be the next time you look up

My heart is as restless as my wiggling toes
and my heart might burst
The questions and colors overwhelm me
this pounds in my blood

And I stare at my paints and these hands
and I think about the rhythm of the song I'm singing
(because I'm always singing something)
and I know these lyrics touch my soul
The ache and wonder and wanderlust
It calls and beckons from the road
and I realize this must be what birds with clipped wings feel like

2010 To-do List

I made myself some goals for this year. A to-do list. Thought I'd share it. Maybe if I do that I'll actually accomplish them this year.'s the list:
  • Read 40 to all of the books on my Books I Own But Have Never Read list (there's like 87 or so of them)
  • Sell (or give away) all the books I don't want
  • Begin box for Chris Taylor
  • Delete all unessecary music
  • Move music & files to the laptop (recently named Livingston Dell, ha.)
  • Finish initial manuscript for Dear Jackson
  • Watch every movie I own and discard the ones that aren't loved
  • Write at least one thank you note each month (there need to be more thank you's floating around in the universe, don't you think?)
  • Save up money to move (to ATL!)
  • Reapply to ABC
  • Spent more time with Kayla (I need to actually plan)
  • Send more letters to K-boo (She needs a few more)
  • Finish reading all borrowed books and return them
  • Send Dustin a box (at least once...I never have done much for him...not for a long time)
  • Learn to make hats (I've already talked to KT, so hopefully that will happen soon)
  • Finish book for Kay & T (and give it to them...hopefully before we're all a million years old)