Thursday, January 14, 2010

Confessions


I'd like to confess.

I cry during children's movies. "Robots", "Mulan", "Matilda", and today it was at the end of "Horton Hears a Who" (and Jesse McCartney was the voice of Jojo...how cool is that).

I actually do like Celion Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On." Even if I have heard it roughly a million times and it's cheesy beyond reason.

On the other hand, I still have never watched all of "Titanic" though I once did watch the last 30 minutes and I laughed when Jack died. It was during my "I-hate-Leonardo-DiCaprio" phase. The phase where I rejected whatever was popular...like Hanson.

(Note: I actually do like some Hanson now...they're just so darn catchy.)
I've owned 2 laptops but never paid for either. I am blessed with people who love me.

I can quite easily eat an entire box of cheese-its in a single sitting. Or oreos for that matter.

I prefer my peanut butter and my chocolate separate. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it's true.

I once wrote a xanga entry about thinking about becoming a lesbian or bisexual because I felt that being more open about my thoughts would be healthy, and I also thought that if I was completely open about things like that that the boy I was in "love" with at the time would see that I truly was an amazing girl and worth pursuing. Instead my saying that lead people to think that was questioning my sexuality (haha...no), and, I think, put more distance between myself and the guy (though he claimed I was "brave"...ha).

My parents have never heard me swear. Ever. My father once did catch me writing a pretty angry and scared letter once, but he's never brought it up again. I do not swear often, but I do not deny that I do swear. (I've said stuff here for crying out loud, so I better not deny it.) It rarely is spoken aloud. I prefer the words "damn" and "hell" to anything else.

I find all potty humor gross. Ever once in awhile it's funny, but it's rare. Farting, poo, any of it...gross. Just not my kinda thing. It's probably good I didn't go into teaching kindergarten for a profession after all. ha.

I confess I did once consider running away. I'm not counting the time I said I would run away when I was about 5 or 6. I mean when I was 19 and my heart had been completely broken by the death of my best friend and I found myself driving around alone at night in the suburbs of Atlanta wishing I was old enough to go into bars alone. If I had had enough money in my account that night, I would have run, and God only knows what would have happened to me. I'm also glad I wasn't old enough to drink because that would have probably lead to me waking up next to someone I'd never seen before with an awful hangover the next morning.

I have never considered killing myself. Ever.

I confess that I rarely shave my legs during the winter. My skin is already crazy dry, and I find that shaving them just makes my legs feel itchy. I do honestly intend to shave them often when I'm married and therefore have a reason to have nice smooth legs.

I have been drunk once. Truly drunk. It was at Kayla Raper's bachelorette party this past summer. I drank more that one night than I've ever drunk at one time, and I don't intend to do that ever again. I will say though, it was an interesting experience.

I have been pseudo-engaged once. Jeff Leifheit told me he wanted to marry me and promised me many things, and I agreed. We talked about getting married all the time, and had names picked out for our kids, wedding plans made, and a whole life planned out. I wanted to marry him, and it still haunts me sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit). When I turned 22, all I could think about was how by that point I should've been graduating ABC and within a year Jeff and I should have been married. People change. But I hate him for that sometimes.

I confess that I once hit a car in the parking lot at M&M on Christmas Eve with my parents mini-van, and I never told them. That's why Jeff nicknamed me Crash.

I am a bit OCD. I like to have crayons lined up according to color (anything coloring related really...), I like things to be stacked according to size and shape, and generally like things in some kinda of order.

I confess that I am obsessed with lists. Grocery, playlists, books I want to read, movies I own, to-do, packing, etc.

I also confess that I never did watch the Scientific America special on Robots. I hate robots. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't like them very much. Not the talking, moving, think for themselves kind. They freak me out. I am scared of talking toys. I blame accidentally seeing part of "Gremlins" at the age of 4.

I confess that I am a very sexual being and that I often don't know what to do with the energy that's left as a result. I don't know what to do with myself or what project could help me refocus.

I am a sucker for poetry, especially if it's about love. And sad songs. And the music of boy bands of the late 90' through now (I'm listening to Westlife as I type this for crying out loud).

I also must confess that I occasionally drop by a couple of my guy friends facebooks and simply ponder. Not stalk because I avoid following what anyone does on facebook because that just makes me feel weirder than I already am, but there are a couple of guys whose relationship status is a continual interest to me, and who's pictures constantly make me feel inadequate.

I feel inadequate, and have been trying to keep myself from feeling like there's no way that I will be alone forever.

I confess that the only reason I have ever hated Valentine's Day is because I don't like being alone and I hate the commercialism that's just over sprouted out of it (but it's mostly that I don't like being alone).

And lastly, I confess that yesterday I ran over the lid to our garbage can while backing out of the driveway. It didn't break though, so I didn't feel like it really mattered if I brought it up.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good talk.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Be safe chica. Life's mysteries abound, and unravel only for those who patiently persist. I'm just some random stranger, and three blog posts in, I have to say, I think you're interesting. I have to say thank you as well, for the moon and stars and heart picture. I will be tattooing it on a friend soon. :) She says thank you as well. So a parting present for you...

"All we are, and all we can be, is made up of one tiny little word...hope. Without it we are nothing, and have no aspirations to be anything else."
-BaGHeeRa

nikkyrowell said...

I love this.
I miss you.