Confessions

I'd like to confess.

I cry during children's movies. "Robots", "Mulan", "Matilda", and today it was at the end of "Horton Hears a Who" (and Jesse McCartney was the voice of Jojo...how cool is that).

I actually do like Celion Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On." Even if I have heard it roughly a million times and it's cheesy beyond reason.

On the other hand, I still have never watched all of "Titanic" though I once did watch the last 30 minutes and I laughed when Jack died. It was during my "I-hate-Leonardo-DiCaprio" phase. The phase where I rejected whatever was popular...like Hanson.

(Note: I actually do like some Hanson now...they're just so darn catchy.)

I've owned 2 laptops but never paid for either. I am blessed with people who love me.

I can quite easily eat an entire box of cheese-its in a single sitting. Or oreos for that matter.

I prefer my peanut butter and my chocolate separate. There are always exceptions, but for the most part it's true.

I once wrote a xanga entry about thinking about becoming a lesbian or bisexual because I felt that being more open about my thoughts would be healthy, and I also thought that if I was completely open about things like that that the boy I was in "love" with at the time would see that I truly was an amazing girl and worth pursuing. Instead my saying that lead people to think that was questioning my sexuality (haha...no), and, I think, put more distance between myself and the guy (though he claimed I was "brave"...ha).

My parents have never heard me swear. Ever. My father once did catch me writing a pretty angry and scared letter once, but he's never brought it up again. I do not swear often, but I do not deny that I do swear. (I've said stuff here for crying out loud, so I better not deny it.) It rarely is spoken aloud. I prefer the words "damn" and "hell" to anything else.

I find all potty humor gross. Ever once in awhile it's funny, but it's rare. Farting, poo, any of it...gross. Just not my kinda thing. It's probably good I didn't go into teaching kindergarten for a profession after all. ha.

I confess I did once consider running away. I'm not counting the time I said I would run away when I was about 5 or 6. I mean when I was 19 and my heart had been completely broken by the death of my best friend and I found myself driving around alone at night in the suburbs of Atlanta wishing I was old enough to go into bars alone. If I had had enough money in my account that night, I would have run, and God only knows what would have happened to me. I'm also glad I wasn't old enough to drink because that would have probably lead to me waking up next to someone I'd never seen before with an awful hangover the next morning.

I have never considered killing myself. Ever.

I confess that I rarely shave my legs during the winter. My skin is already crazy dry, and I find that shaving them just makes my legs feel itchy. I do honestly intend to shave them often when I'm married and therefore have a reason to have nice smooth legs.

I have been drunk once. Truly drunk. It was at Kayla Raper's bachelorette party this past summer. I drank more that one night than I've ever drunk at one time, and I don't intend to do that ever again. I will say though, it was an interesting experience.

I have been pseudo-engaged once. Jeff Leifheit told me he wanted to marry me and promised me many things, and I agreed. We talked about getting married all the time, and had names picked out for our kids, wedding plans made, and a whole life planned out. I wanted to marry him, and it still haunts me sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit). When I turned 22, all I could think about was how by that point I should've been graduating ABC and within a year Jeff and I should have been married. People change. But I hate him for that sometimes.

I confess that I once hit a car in the parking lot at M&M on Christmas Eve with my parents mini-van, and I never told them. That's why Jeff nicknamed me Crash.

I am a bit OCD. I like to have crayons lined up according to color (anything coloring related really...), I like things to be stacked according to size and shape, and generally like things in some kinda of order.

I confess that I am obsessed with lists. Grocery, playlists, books I want to read, movies I own, to-do, packing, etc.

I also confess that I never did watch the Scientific America special on Robots. I hate robots. Well, maybe not hate, but I don't like them very much. Not the talking, moving, think for themselves kind. They freak me out. I am scared of talking toys. I blame accidentally seeing part of "Gremlins" at the age of 4.

I confess that I am a very sexual being and that I often don't know what to do with the energy that's left as a result. I don't know what to do with myself or what project could help me refocus.

I am a sucker for poetry, especially if it's about love. And sad songs. And the music of boy bands of the late 90' through now (I'm listening to Westlife as I type this for crying out loud).

I also must confess that I occasionally drop by a couple of my guy friends facebooks and simply ponder. Not stalk because I avoid following what anyone does on facebook because that just makes me feel weirder than I already am, but there are a couple of guys whose relationship status is a continual interest to me, and who's pictures constantly make me feel inadequate.

I feel inadequate, and have been trying to keep myself from feeling like there's no way that I will be alone forever.

I confess that the only reason I have ever hated Valentine's Day is because I don't like being alone and I hate the commercialism that's just over sprouted out of it (but it's mostly that I don't like being alone).

And lastly, I confess that yesterday I ran over the lid to our garbage can while backing out of the driveway. It didn't break though, so I didn't feel like it really mattered if I brought it up.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Good talk.