Saturday, July 28, 2012

One Last Week: Take It All

Ah, Life...

A week from today the man I genuinely thought I would one day marry is going to marry someone else.  Not only that, but the girl he is marrying makes his entire family and all his friends horribly nervous.

Believe it or not, I had been doing a fairly good job of keep it together.  I had been moving forward, I had begun to truly pull my heart away and started seeing possibilities and hopes in other realms entirely.  I had gotten good at pretending that my heart wasn't screaming, and I had realized that this man that I loved was no longer the man I had met.  No longer the man who was my best friend, but someone new.  Someone different.  Someone I no longer wanted to love or be a part of, and that had really helped.

But then I went to FUEL.  FUEL itself was a beautiful thing (more on that later), but there I had to spend each day confronted with this reality.  Spent my week with his beautiful sister, with her boyfriend, with his brother and sister-in-law, with his aunt, with many of our mutual friends, and several of his cousins. the midst of all of this, in the midst of the crazy and the storm and the change and the hopes and new desires, my heart went back to screaming.  It started when his sister told me, for the first time, that she really didn't want this to happen.  How could I have been so blind to this?  I have wished so many times in the past few days that I had known this before.  That maybe I hadn't been so wrapped up in my own pain and frustration to never ask her how she felt.  I may not do a good job fighting for myself, but I could have fought for his sister's heart.  It would have been easier to ask him to please, please talk to her about this whole situation because I could see this was breaking her heart.

Over and over again this week I realized how stupid it was that I wasn't completely honest with him when he asked the first time.  Why didn't I tell him exactly what I thought of his dating this girl?  Why didn't I tell him that I really was heart broken because he had walked out on me when I needed him?  Why didn't I tell him that this girl made me nervous and I thought she was after him simply because I think she believes he has money and he looks insanely like her ex-boyfriend?  He deserved better than that.

He deserved someone who would tell him exactly how incredible he really was.  How just looking at him made me smile, how his voice was my favorite in the world, how musical his laugh was, how he made me want to be something busy, how smart he truly was, how talented he was with an instrument he picked up, how much his paintings deserved to recognized, how much his family adored him, how blessed he was, and how much good could be seen in him.

There was a time where this man felt like an extension of my beating heart, but now he's become a stranger.  This breaks my heart.

A week from today, he will marry another girl.  He'll leave on his honeymoon, and I will have to learn to switch over my heart and start praying that their relationship actually lasts instead of crashing and burning like everyone seems to be afraid will happen.

And then I will learn to live a different life again.  God help me.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


Tired. So tired.
How can I be so wonderful
when every man goes to someone else's arms
Dear friend, wonderful, lovely
All have kind words
All seek my grace and help
I am sought for hope, for encouragement, advice
but never pursued or loved
You can't hurry love, right?
You just have to wait
So blessed, but still wanting more
My heart longs and breaks for
something tangible to hold

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Miles of Night

My heart spans the miles tonight
heat rises off the pavement
drinking in the humidity
I find myself missing
every hot Georgia day...

The crickets and locust join
in the chorus
singing songs of heat and long summer nights
the farm still overlooking the ponds and the trees
knowing Grandpa's farm breakfast lay in wait

Or the stars twinkling
pulling me towards
a summer love spent
kissing on my front porch
and watching the stars twinkle

Or maybe July nights spent
singing and laughing and falling in love
with each new friend

But the truth and time find me
in the space between
two fans, my heart, and you

The future is still a MadLib
I see you smiling as we begin
to fill in the blanks