Monday, November 26, 2012

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

Even though I never wrote you letters growing up, I am finding that I love doing this as an adult.  I love that you are a great embodiment of the ideals of kindness, generosity, grace, and hope.  You give kids hope that goodness and virtue are to be awarded, and I think we need more of that.

Getting older reminds me constantly of the desperate need of hope.  Hope for something better, for something to pull us through.  Having faith gives me hope that at the end of this life I will open my eyes to a real "happily ever after," but sometimes the day to day hope and joy and dreams get lost or broken in the shuffle.

This year, my 26th year, has been full of the unexpected, the unplanned, and disrupted, but also full of real joy and growth.  In looking back, I can see a couple of things that I wouldn't mind adding to my life, so here's my list this year:

  1. A new dream, please.  The past couple years were spent wrapped in a crazed hope and deep love for a man who chose to love someone else.  I am sure time will prove this to be the right course for both of us, but it's left me with an emptiness and loneliness that tend to make nights long and give me no true outlet for my heart.  Please, please bring me a new dream.
  2. Courage.  The word "cancer" rings through my head at least once a day and has me thinking about updating my will, fighting back tears, and wondering what I will do if that word truly attaches itself to my life come January...I would like the courage to face whatever comes next with true grace, gratefulness and dignity because...I am scared, and I don't want fear to win.
  3. The right plan.  I am tired of having no solid direction.  I just want this to be obvious.  Do I move?  To where?  When?  How?  Clarity in this would make all the difference.
  4. A ukulele.  I have wanted one for ages, and I just figure it's something that can make me smile even if I'm not good at playing.  I can definitely use something more to make cheerful, silly music with.
Thanks for reading this, Santa.  I know you're busy, and you've got lots of dreams and hopes and wishes to fulfill.  I wish you all the best for your work and Christmas.  Thanks for giving us all one more reason to smile and for lighting up the eyes of little ones everywhere.

With a cheerful heart & good wishes,

ps.  Could you also bring me some new purple pens?  My good one ran out of ink tonight.  Thanks, Santa.  Merry Christmas.

Saturday, November 24, 2012


Thanksgiving Table
Thanksgiving has come and gone, but I still want to say thanks.

This year's Thanksgiving meal was pretty traditional and pretty quiet.  My youngest brother, Joel is home from college for the weekend, and my brother, David and his sweet girlfriend, Kelsey came over.  It was nice to have all three of the boys under one roof for an afternoon and to be helping Mom in the kitchen.  The meal was, as always, fantastic.

I will always be grateful for the family meals we have together.  We always end up having strange discussions ranging from politics to books to cats to cooking and everything in between.  These dinners have somehow become a place of peace for us.  We sit together, we laugh together, and we are truthful about what we think.  They're a safe haven.  I am thankful for this.  I am grateful to be a part of a family that actually gets along most of the time, and even when we don't, we never stop loving each other and showing we love each other.  I have no idea how I was so blessed to end up here, but I would never want it any other way.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012


I wish I was certain.

God has been so fantastic to me, has blessed me with some much and through so many people in the past year, and has proven time and time again that his love, provision and timing truly are perfect.  It's not God that I am doubting's me.

A friend of mine has found the man she believes she is going to marry.  She believes this more than just about anyone I've ever met, especially considering they're not even dating at this point, but she is certain.  I realized today that I am jealous of this about her.  She is convinced through and through that this is where her life is heading.  That it really is on course to join in life with this man she believes so much in, and that God is working to help her do this.  It amazes me every time we talk about it.

You'd think this would be something I would doubt, but somehow her certainty makes me believe this is actually possible.  The saying that "crazier things have happened" could very well be at play here.  It wouldn't surprise me anymore.  I hope she is right and that this is exactly what God is helping her head towards.  I hope this man is everything she dreamed of and more and that he sees her the same way.

I just wish I could be that certain.  Not just about a guy (although that wouldn't hurt my feelings at all), but about life.

Right now I am finding myself wondering what really comes next.  Ohio?  I'd like to think that's exactly where I am meant to be next, and that's where I intend to be in the spring, but what then?  Do I write?  Do I work at a pretzel place in the mall?  Do I do both and keep working towards something else?

I guess I'm just not sure what goal is worthy of my heart.  Perhaps it's the tired for being sick so often, from being sick again today, but it worries me that I am struggling to find a future to work towards.

My prayer is just to be able to see with clarity and find the joy.