Thursday, June 23, 2016

When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

  • Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
  • Fans
  • My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
  • The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
  • Agnes & the Hitman
  • My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
  • Calle's advice on boys
  • Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
  • Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
  • Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The RAF Motto & Me & Grave Disappointments

"Those who risk win."
- RAF Motto

Yeah.  I've been thinking about this quote all day.  Last night and the day before too.  (That and Coach Z singing, "Coach Z's got money, but not much/Coach Z's got money, but not much/I could use a dollar/I could use a couple bucks"...I blame Joel for this.)

Today I got to ask Nikky what level of bad it was when the past few guys that have given you their number have been...uh...less than truthful about who they are.  I mean, at what point to I just start carrying things with me to throw at any guy that approaches me at all?  Is there a time when I'm just supposed to say "to hell with this" and convert to Catholicism and become a nun?

It might be hard to both say "to hell with this" and become a nun.  Plus, I have godsons to think about.  I can't be running off to become a nun.  I wouldn't be able to make money to spoil them with anymore, and that's totally unacceptable.

Dudes, fair warning, if I find out that you are lying to me, I will become a bad thing for you.  I may appear sweet, but I am a fighter.  

I wish risking was paying off, but I'm not sure it's ever gonna be a thing.  Not in this arena anyway.