tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64277210785935666352024-03-13T13:45:30.729-04:00Sketches of a Patchwork SoulThis is just a place for me to write whatever, and to do so honestly.Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.comBlogger626125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-50138173658508578622020-08-24T06:12:00.001-04:002020-08-24T06:12:45.402-04:00Collab 6b: 4AM<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWjbBHjLQpgoJ5Ir7DKQJvaDDx8LmcXRZKIauix6cBfh9d9vP8kWd56vLurXbPv-Gp9HmAl-Uwl2D8EcDBGh9HvSP5OrcskOKkKPe_8IIMavZopc2IRGxxFxPUosz9Bc0DJudy7kjbDpFx/s1600/1598263919815668-0.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
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</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-60732186270610912912020-08-15T05:13:00.000-04:002020-08-15T05:13:41.773-04:00Collab 6: 4AmThere are still nights when I question<div>If I'm in it for the right reasons</div><div>Am I selfish?</div><div><br></div><div>I always wanted</div><div>To be something good</div><div>For the people around me</div><div>For my family</div><div>For friends</div><div>For strangers</div><div>But, mostly,</div><div>Always,</div><div>For you</div><div><br></div><div>Some nights I worry,</div><div>Did I trick you into</div><div>Believing I was/am truly a good thing?</div><div><br></div><div>Is this just the ghost</div><div>Of a past that I know</div><div>I can't run from?</div><div>A reminder of a melody</div><div>That use to set me on fire</div><div>To burn me to the ground?</div><div><br></div><div>The words still sting</div><div>"You're too much."</div><div>"You could look better</div><div>If you dressed this way."</div><div>You should</div><div>You could</div><div>Why are you?</div><div><br></div><div>Those echoes never leave</div><div><br></div><div>I know I'm not perfect</div><div>I look in the mirror every day</div><div>(As if I needed the reminder)</div><div>And I see my flaws</div><div>Not just the scars</div><div>Or the stretch marks,</div><div>But the triggers and wounds,</div><div>The sins I hide </div><div>The bitter words</div><div>The fears that I let </div><div>Tie me down and hold me back</div><div>From all that I could,</div><div>Or should,</div><div>Be doing with my life</div><div>For me and you.</div><div><br></div><div>I know the shadows that still linger</div><div><br></div><div>Just know,</div><div>Please just know,</div><div>I love you</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-8457847218108756952020-08-10T01:43:00.001-04:002020-08-10T01:43:13.909-04:00Collab 5b: Saftey Pins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwnCYJpWRMklW4al5Cxr0XGFeHfdHbQBDEbIvO1ruMIDYmUe-af5f9ApVhtJC7kbsLhlueUi6l0-rMKqv7OO9_d8WUrAMywgoV7KNpjrgLsfkhKWqFHFkERn-jOjcAOriDdJRnAMxv5qq9/s1600/1597038191799065-0.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
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</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-32848856258980590822020-07-26T06:14:00.000-04:002020-07-26T06:14:33.172-04:00Collab 5: Saftey PinsSome nights I shift through Pinterest <div>And I find a million new craft projects</div><div>And beautiful art by people</div><div>Who inspire me to carry forward</div><div>With my own rogue artwork </div><div><br></div><div>But then suddenly </div><div>The pictures creep in</div><div><br></div><div>Baby clothes</div><div>Parenting advice</div><div>What to expect when you're expecting </div><div><br></div><div>And my heart aches a little</div><div>I shoo it away</div><div>(Or tuck into</div><div>The quiet corners of my heart).</div><div><br></div><div>I sigh.</div><div><br></div><div>The love of my life </div><div>Is asleep next to me on our couch</div><div>Tucked into my side</div><div>Keeping me warm</div><div>And safe</div><div>And reminded of the pure joy</div><div>and blinding intensity </div><div>Of our love.</div><div><br></div><div>But between the sweetness</div><div>Of his sleeping face,</div><div>My dreams,</div><div>All these crafts that make my brain think</div><div>Pinterest understands me too well...</div><div><br></div><div>I close my eyes and I sigh again</div><div>I speak to God about</div><div>The dreams I have tucked into </div><div>The corners of my heart again,</div><div>And I try to hold onto the hope</div><div>That one of these days</div><div>That all these odds and ends and pins</div><div>Will culminate into action</div><div>And a small bundle of promise</div><div>With tiny hands</div><div>And tiny toes</div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-61079620565345026742020-05-31T08:02:00.001-04:002020-05-31T08:02:03.941-04:00Justice for Mr. Floyd, and a PrayerA man was murdered <div>Again</div><div>A black man</div><div>Living his life.</div><div>Not fighting </div><div>Not resisting </div><div>But murdered</div><div>By a cop</div><div>Surrounded by cops</div><div>White cops</div><div><br></div><div>Aren't we supposed to</div><div>Be done with this</div><div>By now?</div><div>How can we be</div><div>THE LAND OF THE FREE</div><div>When so many in</div><div>Our country</div><div>Still fight against cruelty </div><div>Thrown at them</div><div>Simply because they're </div><div>Not white/caucasian </div><div><br></div><div>George, Mr. Floyd </div><div>He shouldn't have</div><div>Been murdered</div><div>By the men</div><div>Who claim to</div><div><i>Serve and protect</i></div><div>This man's story matters</div><div>George Floyd matters</div><div>Blacklivesmatter </div><div>He deserves justice</div><div><br></div><div>God, please</div><div>Grant us peace</div><div>Grant us mercy</div><div>Grant us love</div><div>And PLEASE</div><div>Grant us justice </div><div>Please help us</div><div>To be better</div><div>To be kind and just</div><div>To stand with our</div><div>Fellow humans</div><div>Because we all deserve</div><div>Safety and love</div><div>And justice</div><div>Help us be the good</div><div>And to stand for those </div><div>Who cannot.</div><div><br></div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-9581533356060212552020-05-20T22:02:00.001-04:002020-05-20T22:02:40.611-04:00Thirty-Four I turned 34 today. As always, my birthday feels like a surreal experience. Still does. I'll spend the whole year struggling to remember how old I am, and I'll finally get it to stick about the time I turn 35. Ha. Every year.<div><br></div><div>I think I figured out what my main hopes/goals/dreams are for this year.</div><div><br></div><div>First, I'm going to schedule ankle surgery. I'm not excited in the least because it will really screw up my finances, but hopefully I'll come out the other side with an ankle that isn't in a constant state of swollen pain. I just want to be able to crouch and kneel so I can talk to the little ones and play with my niece and nephew easily. Plus it'll make working and cleaning much easier. I want to be able to happily go on walks again. I miss that.</div><div><br></div><div>Second, I want to find a new job. I am incredibly fond of my coworkers, and my job isn't terrible, but I need something that doesn't rely exclusively on this body of mine. I was subtly reminded by my bosses today that my restrictions are incredibly inconvenient, and that it is unfair to my coworkers that I can't help with all the aspects of this job. It was just the most cheerful way possible way to start this birthday. </div><div><br></div><div>Lastly, I am hoping that sometime this year that Tyler and I find out we're going to have a baby. We really would love to have little ones of our own. </div><div><br></div><div>And now I guess I pray and hope and do what I can to make this happen.</div><div><br></div><div>Hopefully.</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-36656104744952700682020-05-19T21:58:00.001-04:002020-05-20T00:36:37.666-04:00Some Final Thoughts on 33No broken ribs since the last birthday. Excellent.<div><br></div><div>Got to celebrate my first wedding anniversary with my husband. Glorious.</div><div><br></div><div>Spent the week after Christmas building a crazy Stranger Things Lego kit that Ty bought me for Christmas. Biggest build I've ever completed, and it was aggravating as all heck part of the time, but it turned out awesome.</div><div><br></div><div>Getting to live through a pandemic with the love of my life. Nothing feels right or normal anymore aside from the family we are now.</div><div><br></div><div>Dyed my hair pink. Again.</div><div><br></div><div>Lost an aunt and uncle to long term illnesses without Ty ever getting to meet them. They were both incredible people who loved well and deeply and were loved just as much.</div><div><br></div><div>Got to hold my niece and start loving on her. She's precious and a complete joy.</div><div><br></div><div>Got to see my nephew walk for the first time and also celebrate his first birthday. He's getting so big!</div><div><br></div><div>Had to buy a new car from a real dealership as an actual adult. Realizing in the process that I have no credit because I still don't have a credit card and I don't have loans. Life is weird.</div><div><br></div><div>Had many, many talks with God. Some hopeful for the future. Some looking for peace. Some crying out in pain and frustration and anger. I've been awed as ever in the fact that no matter what obstacle I have or rant or cry or anything, God takes me in stride. He knows my heart and my intent, and He loves me just the same.</div><div><br></div><div>Loved and was loved by my husband every day. He is a gift beyond measure. </div><div><br></div><div>It's not all or exciting great, but it's mine. I am grateful.</div><div><br></div><div>Love, me</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-61744654037931823022020-05-12T12:53:00.001-04:002020-05-12T12:53:33.055-04:00Collab 4b: Stories<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgURHPW2z-TcvD8Vj_Kwmt22pDeFC9mKWQtA0Z7gH9sl9oiFAQdFWXR5yqdBtXtWiUrnPT616AE8zsqrvyp6NwcsKg2ucB7HzG9wGUdi2DoTL8__OKkgxcemEwINveuMObpOyh-yEopoZbA/s1600/1589302409902088-0.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
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</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-1835700236882891282020-05-10T04:10:00.001-04:002020-05-10T04:10:32.767-04:00Collab 4: StoriesI use to write stories<div>About someone</div><div>I thought I knew</div><div><br></div><div>They weren't half bad</div><div>But they, apparently, </div><div>Weren't true</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-13975318041596293162020-05-01T22:04:00.001-04:002020-05-01T22:04:36.174-04:00Collab 3: AdriftLost.<div><br></div><div>These days sometimes make me feel like I'm alone at sea. I'm on a boat (not with T-Pain) in the middle of the ocean. Maybe more like Raft simulator style where I'm on a raft and have to cobble together my survival day after day. I keep getting lucky. I've pulled in enough debris to make a raft big enough to move around on and I have some supplies, but there's still no escape and the dread follows me.</div><div><br></div><div>Am I am bad Christian? I am trying to give God what I cannot handle. I am trying to do what I can, as a human being, to control what I can (me) and give the rest to God. But I'm still scared. I know God has all things in His hands, but I also know I can't predict the future and that i was never promised an easy life. God's in control, and I'm grateful. </div><div><br></div><div>I spend each day trying to find the good and see the blessings. My husband and I are essential workers, so we're blessed to have our jobs. We can still pay bills. I am grateful. We still have our little home. I am grateful. So far, no one in our family has caught the virus, and many of them can still work. </div><div><br></div><div>There is so much to be grateful for, but then I can't shut off my constant stream of thoughts. I cant quiet my brain when it points out any time anyone coughs or the number of adults claiming they know best or that we shouldn't have to wear masks or how they want hair salons and dog groomers open because how can they live without a haircut or their poodle mix getting groomed.</div><div><br></div><div>How can we be so selfish?</div><div><br></div><div>And how can we be so rude? Letting panic make us animals to store clerks or gas station attendants. Complaining about rescheduling appointments or homeschooling. (At least teachers are finally be recognized for all the work they do.)</div><div><br></div><div>All I want is to protect my family. I will wear a mask. I'll go to work. I'll continue to obsessively wash my hands (as I always have). I'll wait longer. I'll reschedule. I'll try my hardest to be patient. I will do my best not to pick fights about politics.</div><div><br></div><div>I'll do my best.</div><div><br></div><div>I'll still be adrift, but eventually I'll find somewhere beautiful. In the meantime, I'll try to dream</div><div><br></div><div>Nothing lasts forever.</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-17614110237457750692020-03-12T12:22:00.001-04:002020-03-12T12:22:59.307-04:00Collab 2: Fourteen<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-23292890157850954862020-03-11T11:32:00.000-04:002020-03-11T11:32:41.109-04:00Collab 2: Fourteen Dear Zuni,<div><br></div><div>I miss you.</div><div><br></div><div>You've missed so much. Every time I see a new movie I love or hear a great song or discover a new poem, I wish I could call you and share. </div><div><br></div><div>I drove through Riverview this morning. I know you're not there, but I thought maybe I could feel you. Instead, I nearly had a panic attack because not only could I not feel you, I couldn't find the two graves I visit. Too many dead. Too many.</div><div><br></div><div>I bought myself orange juice and peach schnapps. You would've thought it was hilarious because I had to look up the recipe for Fuzzy Navel, and then I couldn't remember where the hell they keep schnapps in the liquor department. Brilliant.</div><div><br></div><div>Came home and made myself a drink. Probably the only occurrence in history where I bought things specifically to make myself a drink. I just don't drink. I'm sure that's no surprise to you, but I'm drinking one for you today.</div><div><br></div><div>A toast!</div><div>To the man who convinced me to write</div><div>To the man who made me laugh and who knew me deeply</div><div>To the man who helped me regain my faith that good men exist</div><div>To the man who spoke in code on my front porch</div><div>To the man my mother always loved to feed</div><div>To the man who once put condoms on my christmas tree</div><div>To the man who gave the worst/best dating advice</div><div>To the man who told me the story of "The Wind Cries Mary"</div><div>To the man who made me mix cds and understood the stories I told in mine</div><div>To the man who told me I was every man's dream girl</div><div>To my best friend</div><div><br></div><div>I miss you.</div><div>I love you.</div><div><br></div><div>Yours,</div><div>The former Ms. Cheatwood now Mrs. Ewens </div><div><br></div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-84976005545929665812020-03-11T08:18:00.001-04:002020-03-11T08:18:26.951-04:00Collab 1b: Blender Brain<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-39461222158338303532020-03-10T11:26:00.001-04:002020-03-10T11:26:53.386-04:00Collab 1: Blender BrainHere I am<br />
scribbling notes again<br />
Chance encounters during errands,<br />
pictures in old cabinets<br />
sometimes the past feels<br />
too close<br />
<br />
Do you ever wish<br />
she was me?<br />
Sometimes I wonder<br />
what you could possibly<br />
see in me (like every day)<br />
<br />
My beautiful eyes<br />
and that perfect<br />
"Doctor Who" quote<br />
It means the world,<br />
but I still ache to<br />
hear you say<br />
"You're beautiful."<br />
<br />
I've seen her picture<br />
She had your heart<br />
(and more)<br />
<br />
You love me,<br />
I know it's true,<br />
but I still don't<br />
understand how you do<br />
<br />
Am I worth this trouble?<br />
With all my flaws and faults?<br />
With all the ideas and beliefs?<br />
With my brokenness, my mental health and<br />
this busted up body of mine?<br />
<br />
Can you see what I can't?<br />
Because I have an ache in my heart<br />
from the smiling stories<br />
of all the old times I missed<br />
<br />
My own story feels like<br />
darkness broken by up by stars<br />
until you showed up<br />
and the sun rose running golden<br />
into afternoons that feel<br />
like home and childhood and<br />
front porch talks<br />
<br />
But I still find myself<br />
laying here<br />
singing "Hey, Jealousy"<br />
and hating my brain,<br />
when you smile and take my hand<br />
"Forever and ever...no more privacy."<br />
And I have to laugh<br />
We are our own story<br />
and I am beginning to realize<br />
this is the start of something<br />
I get to keep<br />
and it will never endJayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-27294302486454033492020-03-10T11:26:00.000-04:002020-03-10T11:26:36.607-04:00Bit of a New ThingWhat's up, yo?<br />
<br />
Honestly, this should be an interesting thing. I have no idea if we'll manage to keep up with this or stay on schedule at all (no promises), but my husband, Tyler and I are going to try and do a bit of a collaborative project. I am going to write a piece of poetry, and the next day we are going to try and post a picture that Tyler has created to illustrate the poem. We won't be talking about what the other one is creating, so he will be illustrating the poems according to what he's interpreting. We haven't tried anything like this before, so this could be really special for both of us. Ha.<br />
<br />
Bear with us, and hopefully this will turn out to be something really cool. <br />
<br />
Sorry I've been away for so long. I've missed you.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
JJayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-62759551603508189392018-10-02T14:48:00.001-04:002018-10-02T14:49:29.587-04:00Day 2: This is Why I Love YouDear Tyler,<div><br></div><div>I love you. Today we spent a good deal of time being adults: making food, doing dishes, taking out trash, doing laundry, ordering stuff for the wedding, and running errands. There are days that trying to do all of this adulting feels overwhelming and all I want to do is curl up and watch cartoons (which we both know I’d do every day if I had the chance), but you make this better. I am so lucky that I am marrying a man who is willing to pitch in anytime. You are a wonderful partner to do any task with. I know a lot of couples that are super one-sided in their chores and household tasks, but I’ve been so lucky in finding a man who will move laundry, help with dishes, run errands, and who is an amazing cook. You are so much better than I deserve. Thank you for loving me even when I’m stressed and snarky. I am so grateful I have you. This is just one more reason why I love you. </div><div><br></div><div>All my love,</div><div>J</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-86987697538471038992018-10-02T14:35:00.001-04:002018-10-02T14:35:51.148-04:00Day 1: This is Why I Love You<div>Tyler, my love,</div><div><br></div><div>We’re only 12 days out from our wedding, and I still find this hard to believe. It’s been interesting the past two years to say the very least. I never could have begun to conceive of the love I found in you when you showed up. </div><div><br></div><div>You showed up. I love this. I love that when you say you’ll do something, you do it. When I need you, you always come through for me. When I had finally let go of the idea that I would ever truly experience the joy of loving someone and getting their love in return, you showed up. You’ve swept me off my feet, and you never let me fall. You’ve never broken your promises, and this is why I believe you when you say you want to marry me. I trust that you will keep the vows we will make to each other in 12 days. This is why I love you. </div><div><br></div><div>My love always,</div><div>J</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-30356494632266003382018-10-01T15:42:00.001-04:002018-10-01T15:42:03.901-04:00This is Why I Love YouI’m challenging myself to write for Write31days one more time. It’s been an interesting year, and this month is going to be particularly magical because on the 13th of this month, I’m marrying the love of my life, Tyler. As a result, I’m choosing to spend this month writing him notes each day talking about why I love him and exploring this new life we’re creating. <div><br></div><div>love, </div><div>Me</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-73946573945604001242018-09-27T15:24:00.001-04:002018-09-27T15:24:26.772-04:00Happy Birthday, BabyMy Love,<div>Today is your birthday. I hope I’ve helped make this day something good. Even though it’s your birthday, I am feeling like I’m the one receiving the gift. You’re sleeping next to me, and all I can think about is how lucky I am that I have you. In just 16 days, I get to marry you. Each day you tell me you love me, and each time it blows me away. I cherish these days. Even on the craziest days (and whenever I get around to dishes), I love and adore you. </div><div><br></div><div>I am grateful for the past two years, and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my years by your side. Whatever’s coming will come and we, like Hagrid says, will meet it when it comes. I will choose you each day. </div><div><br></div><div>Happy birthday, my heart. You have all my love. </div><div><br></div><div>Forever yours,</div><div>J</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-47469121994378156402018-09-08T17:10:00.001-04:002018-09-08T17:10:56.030-04:00A Catch UpI feel overwhelmed. <div><br></div><div>Close friends just had their second child after going through several miscarriages, and their baby girl is beautiful. Hello, new niece. Thank you, God. </div><div><br></div><div>My youngest brother and his beautiful wife are going to be having their first baby in about 2 more months. I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to hold my nephew and watch him grow. I’m already in love with this child. </div><div><br></div><div>One of my best friends and her sweet husband just announced they’ll be welcoming their second munchkin into the world in March. More hilarious munchkins to cuddle. </div><div><br></div><div>One of my best friends just got a new job that is giving her a great new schedule along with moving her significantly closer to the love of her life. She sounds so happy and so excited for the future. I cannot wait to see where her story leads next. </div><div><br></div><div>Two of my favorite humans and their crazy little girl moved with 3 hours of me after we’ve spent years being 7 hours apart. I can now actually visit them on weekends from time to time. Bonus: they have a pool. Ultra-mega bonus: they live in the same area as one of my wonderful uncles and his great family!!</div><div><br></div><div>One of the guys I grew up with, he’s basically my older brother, just proposed to his lovely girlfriend. They’re so happy, and they’ve got so much to look forward too. </div><div><br></div><div>The oldest of my brothers and his wife celebrated their 5th anniversary this week. They’ve been through so much together, but they’re coming out so strong, so inspiring. Their commitment and love for each other leaves me in awe. </div><div><br></div><div>I am overwhelmed. Life felt so bleak and dim for so long, but the past 2 years have made everything explode into dazzling technicolor. Such joy. </div><div><br></div><div>My heart is alight. It’s been nearly two years since Tyler walked into my life and in just over a month (just 35 days), we’ll be getting married. He is my love and my heart. He grew my trust with his enduring patience and love. He makes me laugh each and every day, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me. </div><div><br></div><div>I am so overwhelmed with joy. Life is so new. God is so good!</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-65101852568828061502016-11-03T23:33:00.000-04:002016-11-03T23:33:52.278-04:00Water Under the BridgeToday has been one of those days where I try to prove myself to be courageous and honest and kind. All the things that I want to be. It's felt like I've been failing pretty viciously today, but I'm less than two hours from the end of this day. Tomorrow will be a brighter day.<br />
<br />
Favorite things of this very moment (10:21 PM CST):<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Old songs with renewed meanings (Ex: The Wedding EP by The Wedding)</li>
<li>One of my best friends telling me that at least we knew I was doing the right thing</li>
<li>Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful and letting that actually permeate my brain</li>
<li>Scrub pants (the kind I can't wear to work because they too easily want to fall off, but are so ridiculously comfy that I have to sleep in them)</li>
<li>Metallic markers</li>
<li>The reality that we're less than a week out from the end of this awful presidential election and then it will be done and maybe we can move on to the next thing</li>
<li>That things are starting to move along with Maggie's case and there is hope that justice will be served for her and Amos both</li>
<li>Hypoallergenic earrings that seem to be helping my ears out a lot</li>
<li>That my body seems to be actually responding to new medications</li>
<li>Chocolate</li>
</ul>
Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-6001156401956804972016-10-28T02:19:00.001-04:002016-10-28T02:19:47.200-04:00Darkness Heading for LightThere's so much. I don't know where to start.<br />
<br />
Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town. My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile. Life is alright.<br />
<br />
Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week. A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide. My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder. Maggie was nothing but kind and generous. She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her. <br />
<br />
When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me. She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her. I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise. Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.<br />
<br />
When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court. I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school. Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew. <br />
<br />
When we were 19, my best friend died. At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone. I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni. It was his body, sure, but without his smile and light...it just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes. I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh. We laughed and cried through the whole line.<br />
<br />
Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched. Her kindness radiated out into the people around her. I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend. I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week. God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future. I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend. This loss is unimaginable. <br />
<br />
The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart. My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate. I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through. He was Maggie's world.<br />
<br />
*deep breath*<br />
<br />
<br />
But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life! There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged. <br />
<br />
That's right. My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married. I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this. His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him. She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity. I like her. Our folks like her. We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future. I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship. <br />
<br />
I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl. I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew. Encouraging.<br />
<br />
As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out. Can't say I'm too worried about it. I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister. Especially one who understands my deep love for <i>Firefly</i> and <i>Star Wars</i>. Glorious.<br />
<br />
<br />
Ah yes, and finally, the best bits. First, I am cancer free! No cancer at all! Precancerous cells? Yes, that I do have. Would these cells eventually turn into cancer? Definitely, but not for many more years. BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all. I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life. I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life. Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells. It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.<br />
<br />
No cancer. Such beautiful words.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating. This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man). In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal. The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better. I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting. Ha. The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me. <br />
<br />
Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better. I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing. Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-63204224469849293642016-10-07T00:32:00.001-04:002016-10-07T00:32:16.343-04:00Griffyndor May Be My House, But I Don't Feel Courageous TonightFor about a month now I've actively fought against fear. I've done a fairly decent job. I've fallen apart a couple times, but I've tried to ignore the "what-is's" so I can keep moving. <div><br></div><div>Tomorrow morning I'll be getting up earlier than I'd like so that I can go in for a biopsy. I've not allowed myself to research the biopsy I'm having done because it sounds like it's going to cause me quite a bit of pain and involve a big needle. I'm not pleased with this concept, but I'll find out tomorrow. </div><div><br></div><div>It's amazing how you can go for a long time tricking yourself out of certain things. You can talk yourself out of remembering certain facts or events or possibilities, but then when you need sleep the night before the inevitable event...you can't fully escape the wonder. </div><div><br></div><div>Will this change me?</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-8886007849199192282016-09-13T23:34:00.001-04:002016-09-13T23:34:10.786-04:00MirrorSometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm gorgeous." In this rare moment, it's always when I'm in a state of casual falling apart. I've just woken up and my hair is curling violently or I'm brushing my teeth and just trying to keep my hair out of my eyes. <div><br></div><div>I wish I could see myself as I do in those moments more often. I'd like to perpetuate that level of self-love because there's a decent chance that here at 30 I may be looking in the mirror at the one person who will be with me the rest of my life.</div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Tbkuk_aMFhWoiEcxSQ2G5jrqt53OIVWaVAaXCTZonrTeTINA4n8b1TE19jL9b_NdK2F2CEouelzhpmrYcbOteShxW9T0Y1P7lj75RR14DiyBlmRQuy-QXug1DcDtMV5GIQmx745cdRrh/s640/blogger-image-1663358869.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8Tbkuk_aMFhWoiEcxSQ2G5jrqt53OIVWaVAaXCTZonrTeTINA4n8b1TE19jL9b_NdK2F2CEouelzhpmrYcbOteShxW9T0Y1P7lj75RR14DiyBlmRQuy-QXug1DcDtMV5GIQmx745cdRrh/s640/blogger-image-1663358869.jpg"></a></div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6427721078593566635.post-26190232056795275092016-08-24T01:31:00.001-04:002016-08-24T01:35:09.808-04:00My Heart is Tired<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb2CltWiOKVOUh0e1zjDpSN732DryVKboODr-n_EDInIjZ5P9WTvQUn1ulokc8I26dC2_AOu8ym5OjRhI5RsySEwNrkYjC7UuHf2Uj4oXHryL9g2OPGX1T5_ebGngh9tqrVkz3Jt9-pxA/s640/blogger-image--1868877858.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmb2CltWiOKVOUh0e1zjDpSN732DryVKboODr-n_EDInIjZ5P9WTvQUn1ulokc8I26dC2_AOu8ym5OjRhI5RsySEwNrkYjC7UuHf2Uj4oXHryL9g2OPGX1T5_ebGngh9tqrVkz3Jt9-pxA/s640/blogger-image--1868877858.jpg"></a></div><br></div><div><br></div>My heart is tired. <div><br></div><div>I'm listening to the violent whirring of the fan in the total black of The Dark Room, but can't seem to drown out all the noise in my head. </div><div><br></div><div>I want to move to Ohio, but I have to deal with medical tests and finding a job (anyone else feeling the deja vu here?) before that can become a potential reality. I feel like God is totally silent right now and I'm struggling to keep up my end of the conversation because way too many people are already silent in my life and I'm exhausted at the thought of another one-sided conversation. The guy I'd been trying to invest in not only disappeared on me for several weeks, but doesn't seem the least bit interested in seeing me at all (which sounds like it's connected to another girl, surprise). I want to ask for people to be praying that I won't be alone forever and that the right guy shows up, but I feel like a 13-year-old girl and desperate for wanting someone to share my life with; plus the last time I asked people I respected and trusted to do that they all acted like a was an idiot and childish for asking (thank you for shaming me for having the desire for marriage and a partner to walk through life with already married people). </div><div><br></div><div>All I really want is to close my eyes and sleep through the night, and then wake up to go buy doughnuts and coffee. I don't want to think about how I brought my favorite dress to wear in hopes that a guy who won't even remember I exist, and I don't want to think about my job or doctor's visits. Instead, I want to think about the fact I get the rest of this week to play with my godsons and my niece. I will work on being fully present. </div><div><br></div><div>Now, to try again to silence the noise and get some sleep. </div><div><br></div><div>Night y'all. </div><div><br></div><div>Ps. My favorite things of this very moment (1:27 AM EST):</div><div>• Conor, Quinlan, and Ellie</div><div>• The hurricane fan and The Dark Room</div><div>• An abundance of pillows</div><div>• The very concept of show bunnies</div><div>• Good Mythical Morning (look it up on YouTube if you'd like to laugh hysterically)</div><div>• Actually taking my medicine twice today</div>Jayminhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00540144420557074577noreply@blogger.com0