Wednesday, August 24, 2016

My Heart is Tired

My heart is tired. 

I'm listening to the violent whirring of the fan in the total black of The Dark Room, but can't seem to drown out all the noise in my head. 

I want to move to Ohio, but I have to deal with medical tests and finding a job (anyone else feeling the deja vu here?) before that can become a potential reality. I feel like God is totally silent right now and I'm struggling to keep up my end of the conversation because way too many people are already silent in my life and I'm exhausted at the thought of another one-sided conversation. The guy I'd been trying to invest in not only disappeared on me for several weeks, but doesn't seem the least bit interested in seeing me at all (which sounds like it's connected to another girl, surprise). I want to ask for people to be praying that I won't be alone forever and that the right guy shows up, but I feel like a 13-year-old girl and desperate for wanting someone to share my life with; plus the last time I asked people I respected and trusted to do that they all acted like a was an idiot and childish for asking (thank you for shaming me for having the desire for marriage and a partner to walk through life with already married people). 

All I really want is to close my eyes and sleep through the night, and then wake up to go buy doughnuts and coffee. I don't want to think about how I brought my favorite dress to wear in hopes that a guy who won't even remember I exist, and I don't want to think about my job or doctor's visits. Instead, I want to think about the fact I get the rest of this week to play with my godsons and my niece. I will work on being fully present. 

Now, to try again to silence the noise and get some sleep. 

Night y'all. 

Ps. My favorite things of this very moment (1:27 AM EST):
• Conor, Quinlan, and Ellie
• The hurricane fan and The Dark Room
• An abundance of pillows
• The very concept of show bunnies
• Good Mythical Morning (look it up on YouTube if you'd like to laugh hysterically)
• Actually taking my medicine twice today