Sunday, November 30, 2014

It's Always Something

Morning will come too soon, but I'm wondering if it's normal to be giddy for ten straight minutes after the shop clerk strikes up a conversation with you about a movie you're buying two copies of as gifts. I mean, he was super attractive and today was the first time I'd ever seen him smile, but still?

Am I maladjusted at 28 because I turn into a giddy teen girl over the cute guy smiling at me and striking up a conversation? Usually guys are just polite to me or ignore me. Maybe I'm just really out of practice. 

Maybe the only thing that's wrong with me is that I'm wondering if something's wrong with me...

Sunday, November 16, 2014


As usual, I should be asleep, but I'm not. Instead, I'm vaguely thinking about a guy I'm developing a friendship with, my new training tomorrow, money, and calculating how much sleep I'll get tonight based on how soon I can convince myself to sleep. 

I met this guy recently, and didn't think much about him at the time because work has pretty close to consumed my life. But the past couple days I've actually gotten to spend a little more time getting to know him. He seems kind, funny, and like he's actually focused on you entirely when you speak out of actual interest. I think I kinda like him. That alone seems odd because it's been quite some time since I felt any affection or interest towards anyone. This may pass. Maybe I'll find out he kicks puppies or hates pie and infants, but he may turn out to be a good guy. 

Will anything happen? Probably not. I'm not trying to be pessimistic just realistic. He could be in a serious relationship or not find my remotely attractive or he could be way too young for me (he's got a hard to determine age face). I won't get to see him often because we don't run into each other much, but it's something to look forward to. :)

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Soul Assassin

I am awake. This is not a good thing. In less than 6&1/2 hrs I need to wake up so I can walk to work. I am tired, but I'm still wired from running the kitchen tonight at work. I was told it went alright, and we did get everything done, but we were 15 minutes late leaving and I spilled a good portion of a mop bucket on the floor adding to our lateness. Sure that wasn't a lot, but considering I took one less than 15 minute break and didn't even have to make all 3 of my entrĂ©es ... I still don't feel great about running the kitchen. I don't cook again until next Friday, so maybe I'll forget how weird tonight was by then. 

Maybe I'm just not meant to be in charge. I really like being someone floating in the background. It just seems to be so much better for everyone when I'm not center stage. 

The funny thing about this is that Kim, the normal night cook, told me I need to be confident. That's what she wants for me in the job. For me to be confident. I realize she means that she wants me to feel certain in the job and feel good about what I'm doing, but I could really use real confidence. 

I just feel so ill at ease. Can I do this job? Can I remember all these different stations? Can I remember the dang pan sizes? Will I actually make enough? 

Can I do this?

I haven't felt confident in ages. I loved working in the Pharmacy because after they trained me I felt like I could always get whatever they needed done and I was fantastic at remembering everything. Before that I loved Kable. I was one of the fastest people they had on staff and they kept asking me to learn new little things so I could be more involved with the job. I miss feeling like I have bearings and am actually competent at my job. 

I guess I'm just looking for something to show me I'm where I'm needed so that I don't have to feel like I'm needlessly complicating everyone around me's jobs. Or just lives in general. 

I just want to be able to say: this is my place. This is my path. I belong here. This is right. 

I am not there yet. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

I am A-Changin'

Some days I look around at my life and I am just proud that I'm still moving. I haven't given in to the doubt or confusion of it all. Nope. Instead, I'm still waking up and finding a reason to get out of bed. 

I am not perfect. I am not even sure that I'm good, but I'm trying. I was just reading a note I wrote to myself nearly a year ago about a pair of great dreams I had. Reading them felt foreign. I remembered having the dreams and how much I had hoped they were a sign of something new and changing on the horizon, but nothing changed. 

I take it back. Everything has changed. I moved home, I had to give up a plan to return to school and the future I had been trying so hard to build because I was working with and believing in someone who couldn't seem to come through for me in anything. I've started another job, but I've realized, just from that note, how much I've changed. 

God only knows what will come next, but I'll keep trying to build a life for myself. If that set of dreams ever come back to me, maybe I'll have help building my life, but in the meantime, I'll carry on alone. 

Life really is changing. I'm changing. I may accept this yet.