Tuesday, October 2, 2018

Day 2: This is Why I Love You

Dear Tyler,

I love you. Today we spent a good deal of time being adults: making food, doing dishes, taking out trash, doing laundry, ordering stuff for the wedding, and running errands. There are days that trying to do all of this adulting feels overwhelming and all I want to do is curl up and watch cartoons (which we both know I’d do every day if I had the chance), but you make this better. I am so lucky that I am marrying a man who is willing to pitch in anytime. You are a wonderful partner to do any task with. I know a lot of couples that are super one-sided in their chores and household tasks, but I’ve been so lucky in finding a man who will move laundry, help with dishes, run errands, and who is an amazing cook. You are so much better than I deserve. Thank you for loving me even when I’m stressed and snarky. I am so grateful I have you. This is just one more reason why I love you. 

All my love,
J

Day 1: This is Why I Love You

Tyler, my love,

We’re only 12 days out from our wedding, and I still find this hard to believe. It’s been interesting the past two years to say the very least. I never could have begun to conceive of the love I found in you when you showed up. 

You showed up. I love this. I love that when you say you’ll do something, you do it. When I need you, you always come through for me. When I had finally let go of the idea that I would ever truly experience the joy of loving someone and getting their love in return, you showed up. You’ve swept me off my feet, and you never let me fall. You’ve never broken your promises, and this is why I believe you when you say you want to marry me. I trust that you will keep the vows we will make to each other in 12 days. This is why I love you. 

My love always,
J

Monday, October 1, 2018

This is Why I Love You

I’m challenging myself to write for Write31days one more time. It’s been an interesting year, and this month is going to be particularly magical because on the 13th of this month, I’m marrying the love of my life, Tyler. As a result, I’m choosing to spend this month writing him notes each day talking about why I love him and exploring this new life we’re creating. 

love, 
Me

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Happy Birthday, Baby

My Love,
Today is your birthday. I hope I’ve helped make this day something good. Even though it’s your birthday, I am feeling like I’m the one receiving the gift. You’re sleeping next to me, and all I can think about is how lucky I am that I have you. In just 16 days, I get to marry you. Each day you tell me you love me, and each time it blows me away. I cherish these days. Even on the craziest days (and whenever I get around to dishes), I love and adore you. 

I am grateful for the past two years, and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my years by your side. Whatever’s coming will come and we, like Hagrid says, will meet it when it comes. I will choose you each day. 

Happy birthday, my heart. You have all my love. 

Forever yours,
J

Saturday, September 8, 2018

A Catch Up

I feel overwhelmed. 

Close friends just had their second child after going through several miscarriages, and their baby girl is beautiful. Hello, new niece.  Thank you, God. 

My youngest brother and his beautiful wife are going to be having their first baby in about 2 more months. I’m ecstatic. I can’t wait to hold my nephew and watch him grow. I’m already in love with this child. 

One of my best friends and her sweet husband just announced they’ll be welcoming their second munchkin into the world in March. More hilarious munchkins to cuddle. 

One of my best friends just got a new job that is giving her a great new schedule along with moving her significantly closer to the love of her life. She sounds so happy and so excited for the future. I cannot wait to see where her story leads next. 

Two of my favorite humans and their crazy little girl moved with 3 hours of me after we’ve spent years being 7 hours apart. I can now actually visit them on weekends from time to time. Bonus: they have a pool. Ultra-mega bonus: they live in the same area as one of my wonderful uncles and his great family!!

One of the guys I grew up with, he’s basically my older brother, just proposed to his lovely girlfriend. They’re so happy, and they’ve got so much to look forward too. 

The oldest of my brothers and his wife celebrated their 5th anniversary this week. They’ve been through so much together, but they’re coming out so strong, so inspiring. Their commitment and love for each other leaves me in awe. 

I am overwhelmed. Life felt so bleak and dim for so long, but the past 2 years have made everything explode into dazzling technicolor. Such joy. 

My heart is alight. It’s been nearly two years since Tyler walked into my life and in just over a month (just 35 days), we’ll be getting married. He is my love and my heart. He grew my trust with his enduring patience and love. He makes me laugh each and every day, and I believe him when he tells me he loves me. 

I am so overwhelmed with joy. Life is so new. God is so good!

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Water Under the Bridge

Today has been one of those days where I try to prove myself to be courageous and honest and kind.  All the things that I want to be.  It's felt like I've been failing pretty viciously today, but I'm less than two hours from the end of this day.  Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:21 PM CST):

  • Old songs with renewed meanings (Ex: The Wedding EP by The Wedding)
  • One of my best friends telling me that at least we knew I was doing the right thing
  • Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful and letting that actually permeate my brain
  • Scrub pants (the kind I can't wear to work because they too easily want to fall off, but are so ridiculously comfy that I have to sleep in them)
  • Metallic markers
  • The reality that we're less than a week out from the end of this awful presidential election and then it will be done and maybe we can move on to the next thing
  • That things are starting to move along with Maggie's case and there is hope that justice will be served for her and Amos both
  • Hypoallergenic earrings that seem to be helping my ears out a lot
  • That my body seems to be actually responding to new medications
  • Chocolate

Friday, October 28, 2016

Darkness Heading for Light

There's so much.  I don't know where to start.

Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town.  My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile.  Life is alright.

Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week.  A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide.  My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder.  Maggie was nothing but kind and generous.  She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her.

When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me.  She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her.  I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise.  Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.

When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court.  I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school.  Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew.

When we were 19, my best friend died.  At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone.  I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni.  It was his body, sure, but without his smile and light...it just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes.  I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh.  We laughed and cried through the whole line.

Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched.  Her kindness radiated out into the people around her.  I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend.  I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week.  God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future.  I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend.  This loss is unimaginable.

The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart.  My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate.  I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through.  He was Maggie's world.

*deep breath*


But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life!  There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged.

That's right.  My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married.  I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this.  His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him.  She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity.  I like her.  Our folks like her.  We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future.  I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship.

I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl.  I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew.  Encouraging.

As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out.  Can't say I'm too worried about it.  I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister.  Especially one who understands my deep love for Firefly and Star Wars.  Glorious.


Ah yes, and finally, the best bits.  First, I am cancer free!  No cancer at all!  Precancerous cells?  Yes, that I do have.  Would these cells eventually turn into cancer?  Definitely, but not for many more years.  BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all.  I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life.  I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life.  Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells.  It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.

No cancer.  Such beautiful words.


Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating.  This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man).  In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal.  The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better.  I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting.  Ha.  The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me.

Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better.  I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing.