Thursday, November 3, 2016

Water Under the Bridge

Today has been one of those days where I try to prove myself to be courageous and honest and kind.  All the things that I want to be.  It's felt like I've been failing pretty viciously today, but I'm less than two hours from the end of this day.  Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:21 PM CST):

  • Old songs with renewed meanings (Ex: The Wedding EP by The Wedding)
  • One of my best friends telling me that at least we knew I was doing the right thing
  • Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful and letting that actually permeate my brain
  • Scrub pants (the kind I can't wear to work because they too easily want to fall off, but are so ridiculously comfy that I have to sleep in them)
  • Metallic markers
  • The reality that we're less than a week out from the end of this awful presidential election and then it will be done and maybe we can move on to the next thing
  • That things are starting to move along with Maggie's case and there is hope that justice will be served for her and Amos both
  • Hypoallergenic earrings that seem to be helping my ears out a lot
  • That my body seems to be actually responding to new medications
  • Chocolate

Friday, October 28, 2016

Darkness Heading for Light

There's so much.  I don't know where to start.

Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town.  My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile.  Life is alright.

Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week.  A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide.  My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder.  Maggie was nothing but kind and generous.  She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her.

When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me.  She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her.  I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise.  Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.

When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court.  I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school.  Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew.

When we were 19, my best friend died.  At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone.  I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni.  It was his body, sure, but without his smile and light...it just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes.  I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh.  We laughed and cried through the whole line.

Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched.  Her kindness radiated out into the people around her.  I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend.  I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week.  God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future.  I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend.  This loss is unimaginable.

The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart.  My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate.  I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through.  He was Maggie's world.

*deep breath*


But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life!  There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged.

That's right.  My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married.  I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this.  His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him.  She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity.  I like her.  Our folks like her.  We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future.  I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship.

I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl.  I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew.  Encouraging.

As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out.  Can't say I'm too worried about it.  I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister.  Especially one who understands my deep love for Firefly and Star Wars.  Glorious.


Ah yes, and finally, the best bits.  First, I am cancer free!  No cancer at all!  Precancerous cells?  Yes, that I do have.  Would these cells eventually turn into cancer?  Definitely, but not for many more years.  BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all.  I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life.  I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life.  Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells.  It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.

No cancer.  Such beautiful words.


Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating.  This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man).  In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal.  The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better.  I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting.  Ha.  The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me.

Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better.  I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Griffyndor May Be My House, But I Don't Feel Courageous Tonight

For about a month now I've actively fought against fear. I've done a fairly decent job. I've fallen apart a couple times, but I've tried to ignore the "what-is's" so I can keep moving. 

Tomorrow morning I'll be getting up earlier than I'd like so that I can go in for a biopsy. I've not allowed myself to research the biopsy I'm having done because it sounds like it's going to cause me quite a bit of pain and involve a big needle. I'm not pleased with this concept, but I'll find out tomorrow. 

It's amazing how you can go for a long time tricking yourself out of certain things. You can talk yourself out of remembering certain facts or events or possibilities, but then when you need sleep the night before the inevitable event...you can't fully escape the wonder. 

Will this change me?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Mirror

Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm gorgeous." In this rare moment, it's always when I'm in a state of casual falling apart. I've just woken up and my hair is curling violently or I'm brushing my teeth and just trying to keep my hair out of my eyes. 

I wish I could see myself as I do in those moments more often. I'd like to perpetuate that level of self-love because there's a decent chance that here at 30 I may be looking in the mirror at the one person who will be with me the rest of my life.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

My Heart is Tired



My heart is tired. 

I'm listening to the violent whirring of the fan in the total black of The Dark Room, but can't seem to drown out all the noise in my head. 

I want to move to Ohio, but I have to deal with medical tests and finding a job (anyone else feeling the deja vu here?) before that can become a potential reality. I feel like God is totally silent right now and I'm struggling to keep up my end of the conversation because way too many people are already silent in my life and I'm exhausted at the thought of another one-sided conversation. The guy I'd been trying to invest in not only disappeared on me for several weeks, but doesn't seem the least bit interested in seeing me at all (which sounds like it's connected to another girl, surprise). I want to ask for people to be praying that I won't be alone forever and that the right guy shows up, but I feel like a 13-year-old girl and desperate for wanting someone to share my life with; plus the last time I asked people I respected and trusted to do that they all acted like a was an idiot and childish for asking (thank you for shaming me for having the desire for marriage and a partner to walk through life with already married people). 

All I really want is to close my eyes and sleep through the night, and then wake up to go buy doughnuts and coffee. I don't want to think about how I brought my favorite dress to wear in hopes that a guy who won't even remember I exist, and I don't want to think about my job or doctor's visits. Instead, I want to think about the fact I get the rest of this week to play with my godsons and my niece. I will work on being fully present. 

Now, to try again to silence the noise and get some sleep. 

Night y'all. 

Ps. My favorite things of this very moment (1:27 AM EST):
• Conor, Quinlan, and Ellie
• The hurricane fan and The Dark Room
• An abundance of pillows
• The very concept of show bunnies
• Good Mythical Morning (look it up on YouTube if you'd like to laugh hysterically)
• Actually taking my medicine twice today

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

WHEN

There comes a point when I feel selfish asking for prayer. You want to know what the deepest desire of my heart is? To have a man in my life that will let me invest all my love in him who will pursue my heart. 

No, I'm not done no online dating anymore. I don't think I could do it again. I just found out this past week has that one of the other guys (beyond the Thibault fiasco) I was trying to talk to was a fake account as well. As a person who's big issue is trust, somehow this kinda destroys my abilit to think online dating is an option. 

The fact that my closest friends all keep trying to tell me that sex isn't really all that great isn't really helping much these days either. I don't care. I don't care if you don't really like sex. I don't care. You at least have the option, and you have another human being that finds you desirable. The last couple times a guy has claimed I was desirable it was only in a vain attempt to try to seduce me by making incredibly crude suggestions without knowing anything about me. Pass. I may have the sex drive of a 17-year-old boy, but at least I also can say no. I would like sex, but within the context of a marriage to someone who believes I am the only one they want to choose till the end of time. 

I have been alone for 11 years now. Parts of it have been spent waiting on various men or pursuing them, but nothing has really come from this other than a few more cuts and one pretty dang deep scar. I spend a lot of time cheering on other people's hearts and convincing them to be brave. I don't want anyone else to feel hopeless or alone. 

People tell me to say WHEN I get married. Not if, WHEN. But when you're halfway through a week where you've got $21 till payday, your check engine light on (but you keep forgetting to call the shop), a heatwave but no AC, an ex who you just found out is now in porn (and is super upset that you found out), a new job to find, a move to figure out, and on and on...makes me wonder if being alone is better. Why would anyone want to be pulled into the messy, fluid, wandering life I've created. 

WHEN. 

Maybe. 

Friday, July 15, 2016

Change Again



Today was my first day back after being in Ohio for a little more than a week.  Part of me is surprised I made it back.  My mom told me she honestly thought I'd come home, turn in my 2 weeks notice, pack up and leave.  Leaving my godsons, my best friend, my sister and my niece...those were some of the hardest things ever.

My life is about to change again.  I'm a little terrified beyond all reason, but I think it's time I take a step out of the dang boat and let God catch me if I start sinking.  I feel a little like a shark.  If I don't keep moving, I'm gonna die.  I'll just wither, and I'm already starting to feel pruny.

So here's to 2nd or 17th or whatever chances.  To moving on and forward and facing fear as best I can and trying to lean hard into God and trust that this will work out somehow.

Sigh.



Now, on an unrelated note, a list of my favorite things of this very moment (9:28 CST):

  • Ghostbusters (the original, but I'm looking forward to seeing the new one quite soon)
  • Finding out that I actually get Sunday off, so I'll get to be in church!  Woo!
  • Going through pictures from my trip and looking at my munchkins
  • Mulligan insisting that she be wherever I am every moment since I've gotten home from work
  • Moments where I think I might just figure out some kind of flirting after all (ha)
  • Putting my order in for 2 t-shirts my brother created!
  • Actually being tired and potentially being able to go to sleep here very soon