Friday, June 28, 2013

Dear Brain,

Shut up. No really. 

Stop telling me how lonely we are. Stop telling me that "no really, you can eat that. No big deal." Stop telling me to want people that are too young for me or unavailable. Stop telling me that I'm not pretty or worthy or interesting or worth pursuing. Stop telling me I need to change and then decide I don't or that it's not with trying. Stop telling me this is hopeless. Stop telling me no one will ever love me -- want me. Stop missing people who we can't have and that never loved us and stop pointing out why I was delusional for hoping they would want me. Stop raking through the past like you're looking for clues. 

Move on. 

Love,

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Wanted: New Dream

I've created a playlist simply entitled "Sleep." The mix is full of songs that cheer me on or slow down my too-quick beating heart. It doesn't always work, but each song has proven helpful on a night when sleep was near impossible. 

Lately I've had a lot of trouble sleeping. Maybe it's because a herd of teenage boys play ping-pong in the room above me late into the night or maybe it's because I've let my faithless heart go wandering yet again. Whatever the cause, tonight I am to the point that my gas-light has come on. 

Some times I think it's only when I am truly exhausted that my true character shines through. That little red light blinking back is showing me a lot these days. My loneliness. My addictions. My weakness. My oddly-placed hope. My fear. 

The weirdest/worst though has been the light shining on the empty spot my dreams should be occupying. 

My mom, a year or two back, told me that she didn't have dreams of her own. She was tired and working several jobs, and I think she just couldn't see anything beyond where she was. I hated seeing her like that because she seemed deflated and empty. I remember wishing and praying that God would help her find one, but at the time, I couldn't grasp how she felt. I remember thinking it was crazy. Everyone always has a dream to pursue, right?

Apparently not. I wish I still didn't know this feeling, but I am hoping now that at the very least this experience will help me grow and help me encourage others with their own struggles. 

There is hope, of course, my mom has since found a new dream and now happily spends her days helping kids at the library she works for and planning events for them. 

There are always more dreams. Now I just have to find mine.