Thursday, November 3, 2016

Water Under the Bridge

Today has been one of those days where I try to prove myself to be courageous and honest and kind.  All the things that I want to be.  It's felt like I've been failing pretty viciously today, but I'm less than two hours from the end of this day.  Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Favorite things of this very moment (10:21 PM CST):

  • Old songs with renewed meanings (Ex: The Wedding EP by The Wedding)
  • One of my best friends telling me that at least we knew I was doing the right thing
  • Knowing someone thinks I'm beautiful and letting that actually permeate my brain
  • Scrub pants (the kind I can't wear to work because they too easily want to fall off, but are so ridiculously comfy that I have to sleep in them)
  • Metallic markers
  • The reality that we're less than a week out from the end of this awful presidential election and then it will be done and maybe we can move on to the next thing
  • That things are starting to move along with Maggie's case and there is hope that justice will be served for her and Amos both
  • Hypoallergenic earrings that seem to be helping my ears out a lot
  • That my body seems to be actually responding to new medications
  • Chocolate

Friday, October 28, 2016

Darkness Heading for Light

There's so much.  I don't know where to start.

Right now I'm listening to Jack White sing while outside my windows I can hear the train running through town.  My computer is humming and every so often my phone screen lights up with words from someone who consistently makes me smile.  Life is alright.

Last week was a hellish nightmare that's still trying to cast a shadow on this week.  A friend of mine from childhood, Maggie and her sweet little boy, Amos were killed in a house fire that they're now looking at as a homicide.  My brain is still struggling to comprehend this loss, and it's triggered a series of nightmares and flashbacks to both Zuni's death and Heather's murder.  Maggie was nothing but kind and generous.  She was deeply loved by her friends and family, and I have so many great memories of her.

When we were 17, we were in an English class together, and throughout the course of this class, Maggie spent a lot of time encouraging me.  She knew I loved to write, and she made me make her a promise that when I published my first book that I would dedicate that book to her.  I have that book written, and I am working towards publishing it, I fully intend to keep my promise.  Whenever I've doubted my abilities, I have remembered her stubborn belief and faith in me.

When we were seniors in high school, Maggie nominated me for homecoming court.  I still laugh thinking about that because I was terrified to death that I'd even possibly have to be in front of the whole school.  Maggie told me she did it because I was one of the sweetest people she knew.

When we were 19, my best friend died.  At Zuni's visitation, I walked the line with his girlfriend, Amber, but then ended up walking the line with Maggie because she was scared of walking the line alone.  I warned her that it wouldn't look like Zuni.  It was his body, sure, but without his smile and just looked like a doll with his gorgeous curly hair and his clothes.  I ended up telling her all the stories of times Zuni had embarrassed me and the ridiculous things he had done to make me laugh.  We laughed and cried through the whole line.

Maggie was one of those people who is magic in every life she touched.  Her kindness radiated out into the people around her.  I don't know a single person she befriended who doesn't feel like they were extraordinarily lucky to have called her their friend.  I am furious that her life has been cut short, and I've done my fair share of angry yelling and crying in the past week.  God and I have been having an ongoing conversation about justice and my hopes for the future.  I am praying that the police figure out what happened and can help bring closure and peace to all of us who are hurting, especially Mag's family and her sweet boyfriend.  This loss is unimaginable.

The fact that little Amos is gone to totally rips up my heart.  My godson, Quinny is the same age as Amos, and the idea of anything at all happening to Quin makes me hyperventilate.  I cannot imagine the hurt the family is going through.  He was Maggie's world.

*deep breath*

But let's move on to something on the opposite end of the spectrum ("Life and death! Death and life!  There's, like, a hair between them!"): Joel is engaged.

That's right.  My baby brother, the one I sang to sleep on a nightly basis for what felt like an eternity when he was tiny, is getting married.  I'm happy about this, but still struggling to catch up on comprehension for this.  His fiancee is a sweet, kind, hilarious girl named Lara who definitely is a great fit for him.  She adores his crazy and is incredibly encouraging of his creativity.  I like her.  Our folks like her.  We have family friends that gave her an incredibly high recommendation, so I believe she will be a good thing for him today as well as his future.  I'm looking forward to seeing where God takes them in this relationship.

I still find it hilarious that I had just told Nikky a week prior that I was pretty sure Joel was going to marry this girl.  I didn't see it on this timeline, but at least my discernment isn't completely askew.  Encouraging.

As far as the when and how of this marriage, they're still working all of that out.  Can't say I'm too worried about it.  I'll be there whenever it happens, and I'm looking forward to having another sister.  Especially one who understands my deep love for Firefly and Star Wars.  Glorious.

Ah yes, and finally, the best bits.  First, I am cancer free!  No cancer at all!  Precancerous cells?  Yes, that I do have.  Would these cells eventually turn into cancer?  Definitely, but not for many more years.  BUT since we caught it now, we should be able to prevent cancer from developing at all.  I am extremely grateful that I have finally found a doctor who understands what I'm dealing with being diagnosed with PCOS and who actually can explain what I'm dealing with, and who gives me actual hope for dealing with a condition that perpetually tries to complicate my life.  I'm finally on medications to manage my symptoms and help me live a healthier better life.  Plus, she was the one who called for the biopsy and now we're dealing with my precancerous cells.  It's a relief to know how to deal with this now instead of facing it it in the coming years.

No cancer.  Such beautiful words.

Now a confession, I actually returned to the crazy world of online dating.  This go round, I've had fewer totally creepy encounters with guys who think online dating is a way to access sex without having to romance or seduce a woman (or just pay for it...seriously man).  In fact, I'm not actually involved in online dating at all because I'm talking to a really kind guy who could well turn into the real deal.  The fact that he has been nothing but kind and funny and interesting and interested make everything better.  I am truly nervous about meeting him in person, but as I'm stupidly shy at times, I'm hoping I can manage complete sentences and not trip over anything on our first meeting.  Ha.  The fact remains, he's worth the risk, and I think he feels the same way about me.

Like I said, things have been crazy around here, but I can honestly say, things seem to be trying hard to get better.  I'd like to believe in the potential I'm seeing.

Friday, October 7, 2016

Griffyndor May Be My House, But I Don't Feel Courageous Tonight

For about a month now I've actively fought against fear. I've done a fairly decent job. I've fallen apart a couple times, but I've tried to ignore the "what-is's" so I can keep moving. 

Tomorrow morning I'll be getting up earlier than I'd like so that I can go in for a biopsy. I've not allowed myself to research the biopsy I'm having done because it sounds like it's going to cause me quite a bit of pain and involve a big needle. I'm not pleased with this concept, but I'll find out tomorrow. 

It's amazing how you can go for a long time tricking yourself out of certain things. You can talk yourself out of remembering certain facts or events or possibilities, but then when you need sleep the night before the inevitable can't fully escape the wonder. 

Will this change me?

Tuesday, September 13, 2016


Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "Wow, I'm gorgeous." In this rare moment, it's always when I'm in a state of casual falling apart. I've just woken up and my hair is curling violently or I'm brushing my teeth and just trying to keep my hair out of my eyes. 

I wish I could see myself as I do in those moments more often. I'd like to perpetuate that level of self-love because there's a decent chance that here at 30 I may be looking in the mirror at the one person who will be with me the rest of my life.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

My Heart is Tired

My heart is tired. 

I'm listening to the violent whirring of the fan in the total black of The Dark Room, but can't seem to drown out all the noise in my head. 

I want to move to Ohio, but I have to deal with medical tests and finding a job (anyone else feeling the deja vu here?) before that can become a potential reality. I feel like God is totally silent right now and I'm struggling to keep up my end of the conversation because way too many people are already silent in my life and I'm exhausted at the thought of another one-sided conversation. The guy I'd been trying to invest in not only disappeared on me for several weeks, but doesn't seem the least bit interested in seeing me at all (which sounds like it's connected to another girl, surprise). I want to ask for people to be praying that I won't be alone forever and that the right guy shows up, but I feel like a 13-year-old girl and desperate for wanting someone to share my life with; plus the last time I asked people I respected and trusted to do that they all acted like a was an idiot and childish for asking (thank you for shaming me for having the desire for marriage and a partner to walk through life with already married people). 

All I really want is to close my eyes and sleep through the night, and then wake up to go buy doughnuts and coffee. I don't want to think about how I brought my favorite dress to wear in hopes that a guy who won't even remember I exist, and I don't want to think about my job or doctor's visits. Instead, I want to think about the fact I get the rest of this week to play with my godsons and my niece. I will work on being fully present. 

Now, to try again to silence the noise and get some sleep. 

Night y'all. 

Ps. My favorite things of this very moment (1:27 AM EST):
• Conor, Quinlan, and Ellie
• The hurricane fan and The Dark Room
• An abundance of pillows
• The very concept of show bunnies
• Good Mythical Morning (look it up on YouTube if you'd like to laugh hysterically)
• Actually taking my medicine twice today

Tuesday, July 19, 2016


There comes a point when I feel selfish asking for prayer. You want to know what the deepest desire of my heart is? To have a man in my life that will let me invest all my love in him who will pursue my heart. 

No, I'm not done no online dating anymore. I don't think I could do it again. I just found out this past week has that one of the other guys (beyond the Thibault fiasco) I was trying to talk to was a fake account as well. As a person who's big issue is trust, somehow this kinda destroys my abilit to think online dating is an option. 

The fact that my closest friends all keep trying to tell me that sex isn't really all that great isn't really helping much these days either. I don't care. I don't care if you don't really like sex. I don't care. You at least have the option, and you have another human being that finds you desirable. The last couple times a guy has claimed I was desirable it was only in a vain attempt to try to seduce me by making incredibly crude suggestions without knowing anything about me. Pass. I may have the sex drive of a 17-year-old boy, but at least I also can say no. I would like sex, but within the context of a marriage to someone who believes I am the only one they want to choose till the end of time. 

I have been alone for 11 years now. Parts of it have been spent waiting on various men or pursuing them, but nothing has really come from this other than a few more cuts and one pretty dang deep scar. I spend a lot of time cheering on other people's hearts and convincing them to be brave. I don't want anyone else to feel hopeless or alone. 

People tell me to say WHEN I get married. Not if, WHEN. But when you're halfway through a week where you've got $21 till payday, your check engine light on (but you keep forgetting to call the shop), a heatwave but no AC, an ex who you just found out is now in porn (and is super upset that you found out), a new job to find, a move to figure out, and on and on...makes me wonder if being alone is better. Why would anyone want to be pulled into the messy, fluid, wandering life I've created. 



Friday, July 15, 2016

Change Again

Today was my first day back after being in Ohio for a little more than a week.  Part of me is surprised I made it back.  My mom told me she honestly thought I'd come home, turn in my 2 weeks notice, pack up and leave.  Leaving my godsons, my best friend, my sister and my niece...those were some of the hardest things ever.

My life is about to change again.  I'm a little terrified beyond all reason, but I think it's time I take a step out of the dang boat and let God catch me if I start sinking.  I feel a little like a shark.  If I don't keep moving, I'm gonna die.  I'll just wither, and I'm already starting to feel pruny.

So here's to 2nd or 17th or whatever chances.  To moving on and forward and facing fear as best I can and trying to lean hard into God and trust that this will work out somehow.


Now, on an unrelated note, a list of my favorite things of this very moment (9:28 CST):

  • Ghostbusters (the original, but I'm looking forward to seeing the new one quite soon)
  • Finding out that I actually get Sunday off, so I'll get to be in church!  Woo!
  • Going through pictures from my trip and looking at my munchkins
  • Mulligan insisting that she be wherever I am every moment since I've gotten home from work
  • Moments where I think I might just figure out some kind of flirting after all (ha)
  • Putting my order in for 2 t-shirts my brother created!
  • Actually being tired and potentially being able to go to sleep here very soon

Thursday, June 23, 2016

When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

  • Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
  • Fans
  • My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
  • The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
  • Agnes & the Hitman
  • My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
  • Calle's advice on boys
  • Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
  • Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
  • Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

The RAF Motto & Me & Grave Disappointments

"Those who risk win."
- RAF Motto

Yeah.  I've been thinking about this quote all day.  Last night and the day before too.  (That and Coach Z singing, "Coach Z's got money, but not much/Coach Z's got money, but not much/I could use a dollar/I could use a couple bucks"...I blame Joel for this.)

Today I got to ask Nikky what level of bad it was when the past few guys that have given you their number have been...uh...less than truthful about who they are.  I mean, at what point to I just start carrying things with me to throw at any guy that approaches me at all?  Is there a time when I'm just supposed to say "to hell with this" and convert to Catholicism and become a nun?

It might be hard to both say "to hell with this" and become a nun.  Plus, I have godsons to think about.  I can't be running off to become a nun.  I wouldn't be able to make money to spoil them with anymore, and that's totally unacceptable.

Dudes, fair warning, if I find out that you are lying to me, I will become a bad thing for you.  I may appear sweet, but I am a fighter.  

I wish risking was paying off, but I'm not sure it's ever gonna be a thing.  Not in this arena anyway.  

Friday, May 20, 2016


Happy birthday to me.

My brain is turning inside out with the realization that it's just after midnight, and I am now 30 years old.  What am I doing with this new day--this new year?  Well, I'm listening to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory on RiffTrax playing as I write this.  Yep.  I lead an exciting life.

In all honesty, I am having a really hard time processing the reality of being 30.  I know it won't sink for awhile, but hopefully I'll make this new year a good one.

I think my birthday gift to myself with be going back to school.  I don't know the exact when and how, so don't ask.  I just think I need to make myself do it.  I'm getting stagnant living the life I'm currently in.  I am a shark, I gotta keep swimming or I'll die.

Outside of that, I have no idea.  I am going to try to keep myself going to the gym, and maybe try to get myself a passport finally, but one thing at a time.

Maybe 30 doesn't have to be scary.  Or maybe it is meant to be scary and this is just my year to step up and prove to myself that I am the courageous one I was once said to be. God's got this, and hopefully I'll be walking with him instead of being my typically stubborn, frightened self running ahead or trying to run a different route entirely.

Welcome to the new year, Jaymin Louise. Let's make it a good one.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

I'm Tired.

You ever say one thing when you mean something totally different?  I do this on a daily basis.  Most of the time it's unintentional.  Usually it's me trying to answer someone's questions about how I feel about something.  I'll get done answering their question only to realize that I said one thing and that it probably meant closer to the exact opposite of what I meant or at least it was different enough to cause confusion.

Sometimes my brain just does this great thing where it automatically reroutes my answers so that I can tell people generic things in an attempt to protect them from me.  After I say something aloud it sometimes hits me that I just lied to someone about how I feel.  I hate it.  If I'm lucky I can catch myself and restate my answer.  Especially if it is to someone I know genuinely wants to know the truth.

Lately this has become a real struggle for me.

I find myself telling one specific lie over and over and over again.  I think it's just my brain's way of trying to derail a conversation and throw off any kind of suspicion before anyone can worry.  "I'm tired," I'll say looking directly into your eyes.  Lie.  Not complete, but not truly honest.  I don't sleep.  I've always had trouble sleeping, and when my depression or stress or anxiety gets the better of me, I'll start the cycle of sleeplessness all over again.  So it's not a full lie, I mean, I am tired.  Often exhausted, but the problem is, when you ask me how I am, I usually have about a million other feelings that are more unsettling or louder than just being tired.  I just don't always know how to express it.

I am tired, but I am also fighting.  Daily.  I'm fighting to be the best version of myself I can be.  I'm fighting to keep finding light through the darkness.  I'm fighting to see the good and not dwell on the bad.  I'm often lonely, and that's why I'm trying so hard to connect with other people.  That's why I try to make everyone around me laugh and why I try to write encouraging notes and remember the details about other people...I don't want anyone around me to feel this ache I feel.  I don't want anyone else to feel like this.  I am tired, but I feel like if I express to someone else the depth of the sadness or the level of anger I feel that it will frighten them.  My heart is the Mariana Trench when it comes to emotions and often the ones I feel deepest are the farthest in that trench and I try to keep them there.  I have them sunk in those inky depths for a reason, and it's probably because I think I'm protecting everyone else from me.  No one wants to listen to someone talk about their anger or sadness or depression, so instead of telling you that I feel hurt or alone or depressed or angry or frustrated or trapped I'll just tell you I'm tired.

Is any of this healthy?  No.  Not really.  I know this, and I'm trying to find a safe place to deal with it, but in the meantime I'll continue to write these weird blog posts that help me empty out my head like I do my pockets at the end of the day.  Hopefully they'll help someone else feel a little less alone, and maybe we can talk about it.

Because Sometimes I Need This

Note to self: just because someone seems to appreciate something you passionately love does not mean they actually have any interest in it (or you either necessarily). Accept this, move on, and be cheerful about being a nerd. Not everyone can love something as deeply as you do. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Water, Water, Water, Sleep

I really use to believe that late nights were a great thing for me. I use to do my best writing on nights like these, and the promise of being the only one awake is priceless. 

The problem is simple: I can't think straight anymore. This late at night my mind likes to take the quiet and stillness and destroy it with reminders of mistakes, frustratingly inappropriate longings that can't be fulfilled, and loneliness. 

I know I should be wrapping myself in God and his ability to save, but I always feel like there's something more important for God to take care of instead of me. Even though I know God can handle this (and infinitely more), it still feels weird to ask for him to shore me up when I know better than to fall into these same patterns. 

I need to sleep. 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Still Life

Sometimes I wish that you would 
Find the girl you are
Meant to be with
So I can stop confusing 
Myself with your future. 

I am tired 
Of always saying 
To my best friend

So if you're not mine
You're more than welcome
To leave at any time 
But leave the pieces 
Of my heart where you
Found them

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Plagiarizing Love

Dear Fictional Charcter/Real Liar,

You broke my heart. You did. I know it's stupid because I only talked to you for a couple of weeks, but I believed in you. 

Do you have any idea what a struggle it is for me on a daily basis to believe in myself? Any idea how long it takes me to really trust another person? How about how many times I've been left alone by liars?

No, of course you don't. Why would you put someone you don't know through something that will break their heart yet again and cause them to retreat a little further into their shell? 

I keep telling myself this isn't a big deal. You were probably just a jerk who was trying to steal someone's identity, but part of me is terrified. What would've happened if I had asked you to meet me alone? You weren't who you claimed to be, so would you have shown up? Are you a serial killer? Were you planning to assault me in some way? I don't have money or connection, so there's no real benefit to messing with me. 

I just don't understand why you'd be so cruel. 

I thought you were so kind. It's been a long time since I had encountered someone so kind. You asked questions and listened to my answers. You seemed so real. It's been years since I had any hope, and I finally felt a spark reigniting in the quiet of my heart. 

But you aren't real. You're a series of someone else's pictures with new words. Plagiarizing love. 

The worst part is how I so desperately wish it had been real. You were all the things I longed for. Well, the character you'd created sure was. I guess it just goes to prove I want something that's too good to be real. Could this be more painful?

Oh right, it's also embarrassing because I'd actually told a few people about you in an attempt to get good advice and figure out what I needed to do to pursue a relationship with you. Explaining what happened has been a delight. Everyone is now heartbroken for me and the looks of concern and pity have been fun. Even better when they're replaced by confusion on why I can't just get over this since the relationship I was developing with you wasn't real anyway...

Alone, alone, alone, alone...

Why couldn't you have just left me alone? Ignored me like any other guy? At least then I would be stuck with the loneliness I'm accustom to and not the loneliness of knowing how great it feels when you believe someone wants you and sees you and wants you to know them fully. Why did you have to make me aware of what I want, but can't have?

I hope you see this come back around to you because I don't know what else I can do. 


Sunday, April 24, 2016

All You Had to Do Was Not Mess Up

This has been a complicated couple of weeks compounded in to this last few surreal days. 

I fell hard for a guy I met online. Which was an asinine thing to do, but I don't think I realized just how lonely I'd let myself become. You spend years walking alone, and then someone shows up who makes you feel hope when you'd forgotten entirely what that feels's difficult not to fall. Suddenly I was interesting to someone who was smart and kind and polite and funny. I'd forgotten what it was like to feel wanted and desired. 

So I let myself start to believe that maybe maybe this was going to be different. This guy would stick around maybe. He wouldn't decide to date my roommate or marry the first girl who would sleep with him or decide I was just a little sister or his best friend or that he was gay or cheat on me. No. Not this guy. He was actually going to be an actual human man with a functioning heart and morals. 


But it wasn't to be. Instead, he turns out to be some creep impersonating some other guy on the Internet. I've spent more time crying in the past couple days than I've done in years. I hate crying. I hate feeling like I'm an idiot because I let myself hope for something. I hate that I'm making people who love me worry because suddenly they're seeing how broken I am because this exposed all the cracks in me. I hate that this wasn't real. 

Just once I'd love to see what the real thing is like. To get a chance a relationship like my folks have or my brother and sister-in-law have or like my friends have. But then I immediately feel like a jerk for selfishly wanting something so badly. 

I'm tired of wanting something I can't ever seem to have. I'm tired of feeling hollowed out and then not being able to express myself without everyone always worrying. I don't like feeling like a burden or a chore or a challenge or a worry. 

I am so blessed by the love and friendship of so many, so why am I so selfish and feel like it's not enough? What's wrong with me? Why can't I just shut off that desire? 


Saturday, April 16, 2016

The Moon's Girl

I use to tell myself
Stories about the moon
How the moon was
In love
With a girl
She was spectacularly average
Nothing anyone noticed
Or desired
But the moon 
Could see the truth
While she slept
Her dreams shone 
Bright as the sun
And the moon 
Would peak from behind
The tree outside 
Her bedroom window
Just to see the curve
Of her smile 
As she dreamed
But the girl
Never knew the moon
Loved her
As she slept the night away

Thursday, April 14, 2016


My head feels a little broken
Even with music playing 
This night feels too still
If it was a little warmer 
I'd have the windows open
The local drunks slurred chatter
Would be a welcome break from 
This uneasy silence

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Just a Dream

The problem is
this is just a dream
I'm not really
waking up in
a room full of sunlight 
with peach colored roses
in a vase on the dresser
and you laying with
messy dark hair 
by my side
your hand on my stomach
your legs tangled in mine
the smile on your beautiful 
face promising me
perfection for all my
remaining days


I should know better
After all this time
But here I am
Laying in the dark
Listening to my heartbeat

You are an unprecedented 
Stroke of luck
That I don't seem to comprehend 

How can anyone be so lucky
As to turn a corner 
And find something as 
Beautiful as you?

Here I've been walking 
All this time
Only finding potholes
And puddles and broken glass

When suddenly before me
I see a whole field 
Of sunflowers in full bloom

That's what it's like
Finding you

Friday, March 25, 2016


Dear Sunshine,

Happy birthday. I know it's been a couple years, and we're different people now, but I can't help but think of you today. You were (still are no doubt) one of the most incredible people I've ever met. I hope your heart stays strong and beats with pure love and devotion for your family every day. 

I still miss you sometimes.

I hope you light up everyone around you like you use to light me up. 

Happy birthday, Sunshine. 


Monday, March 21, 2016

Moonlit Hope

Trickling into my soul
A sliver of moonlit hope

Hard to say how
Long it's been
Since a quiet voice intervened
Through the cacophony 
In my head

But here's a whisper
The barest breath
Maybe it breathes

Saturday, March 19, 2016


It's been a long time
Since words found their way
Written out on napkins and
The backs of envelopes

I use to write poems
Every day
I use to write them about
The boy I loved
The one that walked away

But then Poetry died
And there were so many years
Of quiet silence
And an echo stretching forever

I wrote a story for my godson
It's about an armadillo 
I want to publish the book
But all this fear 
Holds me back 

Still somewhere past
Basketball games on TV
And fictional bounty hunters
I hear an old whisper
And feel a tug at the corner
Of my heart

Start again
Live with no regrets
And I smile
Maybe turning 30
Is a starting point 
After all and
Maybe I can live
The life I long for 
After all

Friday, March 18, 2016

Dear Stranger

I hate that I don't even know your name. 

Actually, what upsets me is that somehow, in the course of my week, I became attached to you. It was love or fate or whatever, but my feelings got involved. I don't like doing that. I don't like getting emotionally invested in people at the get go because people leave. This makes this feel more ridiculous because it was exactly what happened. 

Here I thought, dear stranger, that we were looking at pieces of something that could've created something beautiful and fun, but instead I'm looking at a whole lot of nothing and the reality that I still can't seem to pick a guy that won't disappear. 

Maybe I scared you away. I know I get excited when I connect to people and I tend to be intense. It's just the way I was made. God gave me oceans and seas with a crazy depth for passion and devotion and curiosity and wonder. I am not great at small talk and preliminaries. If I like you, I'll talk. 

I was talking to you. 

Wherever you are, Stranger, I hope you are having a better night than I am. I think you're incredible. Have an incredible life. 


Friday, March 11, 2016



Today, the sun is glittering gold, work is going smoothly, someone handed me good caffeine (twice so far), and in a few short hours I'll be off for the weekend. Other than an extremely annoying intercom announcer talking in the background of this break I'm trying to take, the day is going well. 

I got a part in a play last night. I'm playing a character named Julie who is dating a guy nearly 20 years older than she is, and her parents are being played by my parents, which I think is hilarious. I'll be living and breathing this play till the second half of June. I just started reading the play a little while ago, and I think I'm going to enjoy it. Plus, I really just need to be out of the house more. The only place I ever seem to be these days is at work, so maybe this will broaden my horizons a little. 

You'll love this, I'm trying online dating. It started as a dare combined with a joke which was extended into a challenge. I've been on the site for about two months. I met the challenge, but stuck around. Most of what I'm encountering are super sexually aggressive guys who seem to be under the faulty assumption that because I'm on this site I really just am dying to have someone tacklessly hit on me and ask to sleep with me and then tell me I'm being a coward or a prude for not wanting to sleep with them or a "disrespectful bitch" when I tell them  I don't appreciate the verbal sexual assault. 

I keep blocking and deleting guys. I doubt that anything will come from this,  but I can't think of a better way to meet anyone at this point since I don't go to bars or clubs and I live in a small town and none of my single guy friends within the church have any interest in me. Im not saying that to sound bitter or pathetic, but just to state the facts. This is fine. I keep running The Lightning Speech from Meet Joe Black in my head "you never know lightning may strike."

I could really have used your advice last weekend. I ran across the single most attractive man I've ever seen that's not fictional or a celebrity. I may have made a complete fool of myself, but I did tell him I was interested. He's a photographer and he has a cat and has the most captivating eyes I've seen in years. I doubt, very much, that he'll reciprocate my interest, but I tried. No regrets, right?

I have to go back to work soon. I wish I didn't, but my crew tonight should be a good one. They know their jobs, and that'll make mine much easier. I just...

I just wish that when I got off work tonight I could meet you at the house and we could sit on the front porch. I could really use a good, long, soul-baring front porch talk. Instead, I'll go home tonight and probably do my best not to say a lot of words about what's rustling around in my chest and maybe drink a little. 

It's been ten years, Zuni. I guess I'm doing alright, but there's so much I'd love to be able to tell you. For crying out loud, Ghostbusters 2 comes out this summer. I just miss you, Jake. I really do. 

Ms. Cheatwood 

Monday, March 7, 2016


Dear Guy-Who-Doesn't-Take-the-Hint,

I passed, okay? Just because you're attractive and I'm close by does not mean I will sleep with you. Just because you tell me you're spontaneous and wild does not mean you're irresistible. Oddly, telling me that I'm a "goody goody" won't urge me to change my ideas about relationships or sex and then throw myself in your arms. 

Best of all, telling me that I should come out of my shell won't work either. Maybe it's never occurred to you, but I'm not in my shell. I'm just being myself. I've got a firm grip on my beliefs, who I am, and what I want from a relationship. If you don't like that, I'm not the girl you're looking for. I'm not trying to make this challenging for you; I'm trying to be completely honest. 

Find another girl. This one won't change for you. 

Hope you get the hint,

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself

But God,

What am I doing? I know you're with me, but the silence has become unbearable. I know I'm failing to be the woman you would have me be. I'm struggling to stand on my own two feet these days. 

I feel like my entire being is at war with itself. Part of me keeps screaming that I've been left here in the desert alone. It tells me you're not with me. That I've run too far from your light. That you're ashamed of me. 

But then part of me keeps saying that you love me, but that I'm a screw up and until I get my act together that you'll be silent and distant. Why would you speak to me when I'm being a disobedient child?

What about David? 

What about David, Lord? David was just as much of a mess as me. His hormones got in the way and he committed adultery and murder yet you still spoke to him and loved him. You still used him to lead your people and he's known as "the man after God's own heart." And what about Moses? He was a murderer and a coward, but you used him. Or Elijah? He was a depressed whiner, but you comforted him and set him back on his path. 

Lord, I know you are there. I know you hold my future in your hands, and I know you love me. I am just such a mess. My heart feels like it's a jigsaw puzzle somebody keeps putting together wrong. 

I want to be brave. I keep trying to step out so that something might change because I'm tired of waiting around. But I wonder if that's the I pushing on an automatic door?

Help me, Lord. I'm tired of looking at myself and not liking what I see. 


Sunday, February 14, 2016

You, Me, & Jimmy Fallon

Happy Valentine's Day.

Tonight I sat on the couch and watched about 4 straight hours of comedy with my folks. Was this a Valentine's Day I'll remember? I hope so. 

I still don't know who I am, but sometimes when I laugh this hard, I am reminded great things are worth the wait. 

It might sound ridiculous, but this really hit home tonight while we were watching Fallontine's Day (yep, Jimmy Fallon's second anniversary special). My folks and I were talking about what's so great about Jimmy. He's funny, plays multiple instruments, is kind, loves children and animals, can make anyone smile, writes thank you notes, does dead on impressions, and loves ridiculous games. He is so talented with such weird and delightful skills. 

All I could think was that he was born for this. He was truly created to bring others joy. I wonder if he really realized it was possible to take all those skills and use them like he does now. It had to be mind blowing when he realized he was exactly where he needed to be. 

I've spent so much time lately thinking about just that. Thinking about how my skill set is eclectic and I'm not sure how to best utilize it for the greater good, but Jimmy Fallon reminds me that no matter how random or weird your skills and passions are, it will all come together. 

Just because I'm not the world's most beautiful women and I can't speak a second language or play a guitar doesn't mean I'm not fascinating or worthwhile. 

You know what I'm great at? Writing thank you notes and postcards and handwritten letters. I make delicious pie and beer bread. I can quote movies and figure out where you've seen that random actor before. I give truly unique wedding gifts and make mix CDs. I am a wonder. 

You are a wonder too. 

Tonight I'm praying that we truly learn to love and appreciate ourselves, and our gifts, so that we can be healthier, happier, better, and brighter lights. We'll find our way. 

Night and, again, happy Valentine's Day!

Monday, February 8, 2016

More Color!

I am completely exhausted.  I thought I was going to fall asleep standing up in my living room earlier while laughing at Stephen Cobert.  I am rarely so tired as I am tonight, but here I am over an hour later staring at my computer screen and slowly finding words to type.

I couldn't help it.  I just wanted to know if anyone had said a word to me on the ridiculous online dating site I semi-recklessly signed up for.  Especially since my dear friend Jordan issued a challenge last night, and in order to resolve it, I have to attempt to actually stick with this site for a little while and give it a chance.  Most everything in me would like to run screaming away from this because of all the "what if's" like "What if no one likes me?" "What if the guy I end up liking and actually agreeing to meet actually ends up to be a serial killer and he murders me before we even go to dinner?" "What if a guy asks me to meet him and then he turns out to be a total liar?"  "What if I find a great guy and then scare him off by being myself?" etc. etc. etc.

Yes, I am overthinking this.  It tends to be what I do in such moments, but at least I'm trying to do something different.  I keep hoping I'll realize I'm living through all the things that will be the 30 second or so worth of montage that shows all the steps I took to change something for the better in my life.  It really isn't a bad life, but I'd like it if I could fill it with more color.

Always more color.

So for now, good night.

Favorite Things of This Very Moment (12:05 AM CST):

  • Tom Hiddleston reading Derek Walcott's Love After Love
  • Knowing I should have a new bed set up to sleep on tomorrow night
  • The game 1010! (I blame you for this, Caroline Walters!)
  • Peyton Manning getting this super bowl win (He's still my favorite)
  • That I can actually sleep in tomorrow!  Woo!
  • Jordan's challenges & Nikky's hilarious encouragement and kindness
  • Sleeeeeeeeeeeep

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Saturday Night

Spending the weekend alone is both a blessing and a great excuse for me to be insane.

I let myself be easily talked into trying online dating again.  Is it a great idea?  Probably not.  Will it last longer than any of the previous attempts (current record is 3 whole days)?  Probably not, but who knows.  I actually read a profile of a guy that sounded like he'd be a lot of fun, so maybe something could be different.  If not, at least I'm trying something (however briefly).

In the meantime, I'm going to eat some cheddar whales and watch Dan Akroyd and Tom Hanks make me laugh in Dragnet.  Then I'll go to sleep so I can wake up painfully early for work.  Woo.

Quick question though: why do all 80's cop movies have to involve a scene in a strip club?  I mean, is this a federally mandated thing or just fad?  Do all male cops have to spend time hanging out in strip clubs?  I'm genuinely curious.

Now to get off the interwebz or at least most of it before I make myself crazy.

Favorite things of this very moment (8:58 PM CST):

  • Dragnet
  • Having my new bed here even if I can't set it up on my own
  • Clean clothes
  • Nikky's ridiculous encouragement
  • My iPod
  • Cheddar Whales
  • Having the house to myself

Saturday, January 16, 2016


My stomach feels like an aching void (of course, if it was a void, I'd be a lot skinnier). Tonight I've been reading about fictitious people and wishing, not for the first time, that I could be part of the story. 

The acheis easy to explain. It's just loneliness coupled with fear of rejection plus missing things that use to prop up the constructs of my world.

I miss a couple guys who crushed me. I shouldn't, but I do on night's like this. Everyone I love are adults (or babies who you can't have a discussion about accountability with) who are married and/or have kids and/or jobs to wake up for, so it becomes hard to justify waking then up (or slowing them down) by posing theological queries or asking what kind of cake they'd want to be or if they've listened to Beau James' Ten Shots yet. 

It's selfish. I know it is. Plus it's whiny of me to miss it. I'm exceedingly blessed to have so many loving friends (who hopefully won't read this & think I'm ungrateful or trying to say they're anything less than awesome), but nights like this make me wish I had one person that was just mine. 


But for now, back to listening to my iPod flip berween old songs while reading an old book. Life's not too bad even if I'm aching sometimes. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Happy Thoughts

Lately everything has seemed, and felt, world-ending awful. It's stupid and childish, but I've been exhausted and heartbroken and confused and afraid. So very afraid. As a result I've been forgetting the good, so I decided I need to think some happy thoughts. So here goes (in no particular order).

1. (Especially tonight) Baseball movies. It's freezing here in northern Illinois, but it's nothing a beer and Bull Durham can't cheer back up. 
2. (This totally led right to this:) That baseball season is in sight. Thank you, God. I need the baseball season as much as I need sunshine and stars. 
3. Phone calls with Nikky and Kyle. They lead to weird honesty, gales of laughter, and better perspectives (or at least different which I need sometimes). Plus I get to hear about their lives and their kids and families. All things I miss and need. 
4. Frozen blueberries. Smoothies, my people. They are glorious. 
5. Friends that text back, pray for you, make you laugh so hard you cry, give you books, and let you be honest. 
6. The last segment on NBC news at night that's dedicated to something cheerful and kind. 
7. That we all deserve to wear white. (For further explanation see #1 and watch Bull Durham.)
8. Knowing I need to go back to school. It just needs to happen. (Though that's one of the many things I'm also terrified of.)
9. Virtually anything Jennifer Crusie writes. Really. 
10. Tom Hiddleston. Because he's a great man from the inside out. He gives me hope for finding men who are not just kind or smart or funny or knowledgeable about Shakespeare, but all of that. Plus he's genuinely good to his fans, and big on using his celebrity to care for others. He just gives me hope. 

These are the things that are lighting me up. Life really isn't all bad. There's lots of good left when I remember to see it. I hope you can too. 

Sunday, January 10, 2016


I'm trying to recapture a feeling.

A few minutes ago I was having a conversation with my mother while my brain was working out a comparison between "When in Rome" and "I Hate Valentine's Day" (cute stories, but not terribly high production quality) when I felt like I got slapped up the backside of the head.  A quiet voice inside me said, "I stopped believing," and I realized it was true.

I stopped believing I'm ever going to find a guy who will ever want me.

Maybe you're saying, So, Fate takes care of these things.  He'll come. Or maybe, You're right, you'll be single forever with that attitude. Or the classic, Just enjoying being single.  You just need to be patient.  He'll show up.

Blah blah blah.

No.  What I'm saying is, I stopped believing in my ability to be anything any man will ever want.  I'm not saying this so anyone will feel sorry for me.  I'm saying this because it suddenly hit me that I really don't believe, and now I'm angry at myself.  Angry enough to consider rewatching every romantic comedy I've ever loved (and have just realized I've been avoiding for the past few years now), read oodles of romantic poetry, reinvest in trash novels and dating books...and reread all my late friend Zuni's emails yelling at me about love.

How the heck did I let myself get to here?  Oh yeah, letting bitterness eat away at my heart for the past few years.  That may have something to do with it.  Gah.  I'm an idiot.  I think that after my last true heartbreak, I shut off my heart.  I worked hard not to care too deeply or get too attached because I knew that at any time any guy I chose to care for could walk away or, like the guy I was in love with, they could chose to completely erase me from their life and marry some other girl.  It hurt so much.  So much.  So much.  It still does some nights when the wind blows just right and whips its way through the tattered bits, but this is a worthless excuse.

I use to be fearless.  I use to be so crazy about love and so passionate about finding the guy I was going to marry.  I knew he was out there.  I knew.  He was real and solid, and I use to have dreams about him.  I didn't doubt that someday in the future I would settle down with someone who I could love like crazy who would love me the same way back.  I'd fall in love with my best friend just like my folks, and I would have a great life.

But now I am just a coward.  I'm so scared of getting torn up again, and so sure that it will happen every time that I'm struggling to keep going. I keep shoring up other peoples' broken hearts and cheering on everybody's relationships and convincing them to take the risks I'm too scared to take.

This isn't me.

I am the girl who will move across the country because I believe in something.  I'm the girl who has moved on her own to a variety of states to keep starting over.  I've left jobs to pursue dreams.  I've been someone's secret admirer.  I've asked guys out on dates.  I've admitted to guys that I'm crazy about them.

I am not this shell of human being that I'm hiding behind.  I am not content to work in a kitchen the rest of my life with a group of women (who, don't get me wrong, are incredible) where I'm never going to grow or make any kind of real money or meet anyone.  I am not content to be alone forever or be every guy's back up plan.

It's time I get back to being passionate and brave.  I'm going to be fearless.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Me vs. Me

I've been thinking lately about the woman I'd hoped to be at 30, but I'm looking around at my life these days and realizing, she's a ghost. 

I wanted to weigh less than 150 lbs (because that's what I weighed in high school and was told I was a cow), to play a musical instrument well (instead of having played 3 so far and none of them well), to be married (hahahaha), and to have children (which is a near impossibility for me given my PCOS and poor management not to mention a complete lack of man in my life). I wanted so many things by the time I reached this point. I had hoped I'd have more than my  Associates in Arts and that I'd be pursuing a career I loved. 

I am not going to be that woman. Not by my 30th birthday 5 months from now, possibly not ever. 

The reality is, I don't know who I'm going to be by 30. Hopefully I'll have officially decided on whether or not I'm going to go back to school at all. If not, I've got to find a new career path and make it work. I'd also like to have actually seen a doctor about my PCOS and have a better plan of attack so that I don't feel do hopeless and overwhelmed. 

Yes, I'd cheerfully accept the presence of a grown man who actually wants to love me, but I'm going to try to be happy even if he hasn't shown up by my birthday. He'll be worth the wait whenever he decides to show up. 

By 30, I'd like to be closer to truly accepting and loving the woman I already am, and instead of expecting to magically become someone else, I'd like to just keep growing. 

Maybe I'm not anyone else's ideal, but I'd like to be mine. 

Friday, January 1, 2016

My New Year's Toast

Happy New Year! I've already managed to catch something on fire today (no injuries or fire alarms), so I'd say I'm off to an interesting start. 

I didn't get to make a New Year's toast last night because by the time midnight rolled around I was falling asleep brushing my teeth (PARTY!), so instead let's raise our glasses (literally or not) to toast the new year. 

My friends, may 2016 start a fire in your hearts that rages and consumes. May it be a fire for truth and love and beauty, but most important kindness. May this new fire (or blaze rekindled) be bright enough to start others ablaze. Let us strive for justice, but let us also strive for peace. Let this year be the year we truly learn to love ourselves so that we can genuinely and completely love our neighbors. May this be a year we embrace growth and new beginnings and inspire change in ourselves and others. 

I wish you every happiness, but also hope. 

Happy New Year!