Friday, November 29, 2013

(91) Winning

Sometimes a text is all it takes
to change the tone of the day
just a few choice words
change the heart
If I could find a way
to move yours
as you move mine
I'm fairly certain I'd win at life

(90) Tripping

Sometimes I think
I must be perpetuating 
a broken system

If I wasn't in this cycle
All these signs & words
Wouldn't sound so familiar

I can see you
Coming a mile away
& I wish I could run away

But the truth is
I'd fall for you
Even if you weren't tripping me

(89) Pretty Boy

You're the kind of guy
who can only be trouble
I was told not to discount
the pretty boys?
but I can't help the way
I'm jaded
If you'd been broken
at the hands of beauty 
& used the way I have been
you'd be gun shy & wary
of a face like yours too

Don't you see
you're a danger to me
the crooked smile,
beautiful hands, perfect back,
infectious laugh...
You're kryptonite to me
If I don't pull back
& build walls
I'll be a goner

Please don't be
the kind of guy
who breaks hearts 
like the one in me 

(88) Here

Chapped lips & blankets
Winter is come
No idea what is coming
But I am glad I am here
Finally feeling like
I can be of use

(87) Silencing Voices

Trying to silence the voices
in my head & the ones coming
through the floorboards
Not sure these songs
or prayers
are enough to calm my heart tonight

(86) Gonna Make It

One small no,
but there are other doors
Worth trying out
I finally have a little
wind in my sails
& a little cheer behind me
This still isn't home
& I'm not sure it will be
But it's a start
& at least I finally know
where I need to be

(85) You Show Up

There's a kind of peace
I never quite expected
but I always should've known
That You would give me courage
when my heart failed to beat
& You would give me strength
when I could not
find my feet

You showed up for me
even though I was
Full of doubt
You showed up for me
when I was still asking "how?"

You love me
in spite of my mistakes
& all this crushing doubt
& then you whisper in my ear
"Child, there's a way out,"
& You gently tug my heart
& hold my hand
as I face my fears

You show up
because You love me
& You'll never leave me here

Thursday, November 21, 2013

(84) Open Hands

Sometimes plans don't work
& it's better off
scary houses to hotel rooms
heat, blessed heat
& a moon lighting the way
whatever may come,
it's already on its way
I will greet it
best I can
with a smile on my face
& open hands

(83) Stars to Remind Me

The stars on the ceiling
Remind me there's hope
I'm trying, Lord,
to reach beyond
All I can see
& actually realize
what you're teaching me

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

(82) Changing, I'm a-Changing

Caught up in the crazy
life is a whirl
trying to clear a space
to put down my own roots
so I can build
a little something for myself

I don't need the world
just a room to call mine
maybe I should have
done this years ago
but who's to say

Maybe now is when
I needed to change
& when my heart was alive
& my prayers changed

So I'm opening my heart
& peeling back the layers
Hoping this new start
will help me become
more of who I want to be

(81) Strangers We've Become

I've been staring
at the painting
hanging on the wall

I can feel each brushstroke
& hear your heart beat
& see you there upon your canvas

I hear your echo in this room
your painting & the shot glasses
Can't help but smile

but it breaks my heart
to realize you'll never be
standing here with me again

You won't be showing me the pictures
with my letters on the sink
& your smile crooked on your face

I miss who we were
& not the strangers
we've become

Monday, November 18, 2013

(80) Unbelief

Strange towns, strange hotels
but my own queen-sized bed
Maybe I'm still uncertain
but that waiting hawk
& the low flying heron
speak volumes to my heart

Maybe it's sleep deprivation
or hours in the car
but I keep hearing trust
I'm trying
Please, please, please
help me overcome my unbelief

Sunday, November 17, 2013

(79) Don't Forget About Me

When I'm not around
to drive you home at night
will you forget me?

Sometimes I wonder if
I'll always be
the place holder for eternity

Please don't try to convince me
that's not true
you're not stepping up

If you were in my shoes
you'd be scared of
happiness too

because who is to say
when the other shoe
will drop

I was so close
so close to feeling hope
but you've already shut me out

So I'll drive you home one last tim,e
before I shut off my phone
& quit

Accept it
you're alone
that's it.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

(78) In Check

Long nights & longer lashes
I close my eyes
as time passes,
but all I see is you

How long before I understand
how to control my emotions
& keep my wounds & triggers
in check

Friday, November 15, 2013

(77) Help Me See

Flip-flopping back & forth
between the possibilities
& future conundrums
I have to wonder
what am I capapble of fixing
how can I contribute?
where have I made friends?
Lord, let me see
who you need me to be
& help me pursue the dreams
you've laid up in me

Thursday, November 14, 2013

(76) Leaves & Roots

You shouldn't be on my mind
you walked out, remember?
But in a day or two
I'll have to see you
& I'm wondering
if I'm strong enough to do this

Every cliche
runs through my head
& I'm still just looking
for a hand to hold
& someone to not feel
like my presence & adoration
is some kind of burden

You use to make me feel
lighter than a leaf
in the wind,
but like that leaf
I came crashing down again

I want roots
to grow where I've landed
but I don't think
I was meant
to do this single-handed

how many times
do I have to fall
before someone picks me up
& actually holds on?

with all that is beautiful
in my life, it's not fair
to feel so blue
but I'm still waiting

waiting for...?

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

(75) Not Finished Yet

There's not much of a map
for where I'm going
but I know I'll get there
God's got hig hands on this

It feels crazy
moving state to state
love the excitement & joy
that I feel
sometimes it still seems hard
to believe I could
be this lucky
or be this blessed

Don't know what all
God is doing here
but he's not finished
with me-with this-

Monday, November 11, 2013

(74) Triggers

Your hand slides gently
across my knee
fingers slowly splaying playfully
but I'm cant think 
& I can't breath
with you sitting right there
touching me

I'd forgotten
so completely
how indescribably amped up
fingers brushing on
my knees feels
or how swiftly it
undoes me

Just a couple deep breaths

(73) Too Close to be Alright

Way too close
Way too comfortable
& the strange hope
that keeps trying to inflate
my weary heart
Is a terrible thing

There's too much
to talk me out of it
& who wants
a reluctant lover

I miss knowing
every moment
that I wanted to
dive into someone's love
& arms & dreams
to consume them
& be their everything

You should never feel
awkward & shamed 
by who you pursue
if that's the case, 
think of the spared
hearts & egos

I may not know
what I truly want
but I know this confusion
isn't where I belong

(72) Breaking

You touched my hand
& I nearly jumped out of my skin
was I supposed to expect the
tremor through my veins
I just keep chanting,
'This will never work'
because how could you feel the same
& even if you did
what then?
The scandal it would make
what I wouldn't give for you
to touch me again

(71) Here I Come. Blessed.

A few more hours
& I'll be on the road. 
Just one more to-do list
& then a new life
How did I get so lucky
to have so many
people love me
& so many homes open
to me
& so much freedom
to go
I don't have to know all
to know I'm blessed

(70) On I Go

My eyes are weary
My heart is worn
but my mother is proud of me
& so my heart is also warm

I am not worried
if this is right
everything points to the good,
but it's still a little sad

Never quite felt 
completely my own
never quite felt
like this was my home

Sorry to leave
those I love
once again
but I have no doubt
I'm headed to
where I always
Should've been

(69) Uncool Jerk Brain

Dreams, sweet dreams,
are not made of these
forgive me if you don't agree
searching my brain
but I cannot see
how dreams of love
are good for me

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Loki & All Those Redeemable

A friend of mine recently said he just didn't understand the appeal for the bad guys.  Why are women so crazy about villains or guys that are obviously super damaged or the bad boys?  What's with the sudden obsession with every woman, it seems, over Loki?  It does seem like it should be weird, but it took me less than a minute to figure it out.

They're redeemable.

I've mentioned before that I firmly believe every woman wants to be someone's exception, and this is simply an extension of that same truth.  I, like many women, see someone who is hurting, and my immediate instinct is to fix it.  Now, granted, I may have an overly developed sense of empathy, but I think many of us feel that way.

Loki makes this easy to see.  Sure he's gorgeous (he's played by Tom Hiddleston, it's unavoidable) and clearly powerful, but I honestly think what draws many of us to him is that we see his vulnerability.  Gorgeous and powerful, but unsure of who he is or how he can be loved because he's damaged.  Kid finds out he's adopted from an enemy tribe, and snaps because he suddenly realizes his world is upside down and can no longer separate actual affection and true concern for his well being from the jealousy and pain he feels.  He's damaged, but we look at him and see how broken he is and think, I'd love him.  I want to be the one to warm his cold heart and help him see the good he is capable of.  Clearly he could to a great deal to help and protect the world and his people if he choose that path.  Most of us wish we could help him see that.

This particular way of seeing people is something I have always carried with me.  Maybe most people are more adjusted and emotionally together, so they don't do this, but I'm always trying to find a way to redeem what's broken and find the good buried within the pain.

Every relationship I have ever had was, in one way or another, filled with me trying to bring out the very best in another person or heal something I could sense was broken.  Whether I have succeeded in any of these endeavors or not is hard to say.

The older I get the more I can see that part of the appeal of doing this is the selfish desire that maybe someone will be able to do the same for me.  Maybe one of these days, I will have fallen for someone who, though broken, sees the good in me, the potential, and just like me, they'll love me enough to want to bring that out in me.

I want to redeem the broken.  I want to be redeemed.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

(68) Rife with Miracles

High hopes & gingerbread M&M's
Not sure where life is going
but at least it's going
there's light again
Rife with miracles
Sometimes you just gotta
hear someone tell you,
remind you,
that your life is beautiful
& that you're work has meaning
Sometimes seeing this side
of morning so many times
make you wonder
if you're still doing
anything right

Monday, November 4, 2013

(67) Nothing Good After 2 AM

Nothing good ever happens after 2 AM
& I like every boy
So now's a good time to shut things down
my heart is not a toy

I spent a couple hours typing
this afternoon
Let the music sing
about becoming whomever
the love of your life needs

& I pause & I wonder
if it always
starts near Halloween
or maybe just with masks
so many turths are missed
because we burden ourselves
with the buried secrets

Sunday, November 3, 2013

When Stupid Books Open Wounds You Didn't Know You Had at 3 AM

Here it is the middle of the night, & I am up reading a book I would never mention in public only to find myself crying because I suddenly feel so alone. I find myself wondering if a perfect waist & the right clothes are necessary in order for me to not find myself waking up alone for the rest of my life. In order to be loved by someone beautiful you must be someone beautiful, right?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm shy (which is totally true) or because I made a promise to myself that I would stop being the pursuer & trust that a good man would pursue me. 

Whatever the case, I am alone. I'm unsure of how many more months & years of this I can handle. I feel exposed & unprotected. I spend so much time trying not to be a burden, trying not to impose, trying not to have needs. If I am strong for myself than I can be easy to be around, right?

But that doesn't work. Maybe if I just told people who I felt or asked to be a priority, I wouldn't be a secondary character in my own story. But I'm afraid I'll be too much or that people will reject me. I know I have this demeanor that paints me as alright being always in the background, but it would be nice for just one person to notice. 

In a week, everything will change. A new home, a new job, an illogical leap of faith & new people to meet. Here's hoping that I'll find the courage to be honest about my heart instead of pretending it's not the tenuously fragile & lonely creature it is. Maybe this marks one less night of falling asleep wondering if I'm walking into a quiet future. 

Lord, give me strength. 

(66) Ah. Weeks.

No work, but so many responsibilities
packing & cleaning
a story to write
& books to read
people to visit
places to see
so little money
so little time
& here I sit
Still thinking about rhymes
while watching NetFlix
& avoiding the subject
because uncertainty
is what I see
Sometimes I think
I'm the one avoiding me
because at the end of the day
who should answer any
of these questions
but me

Saturday, November 2, 2013

(65) Happy Harvestcandyween

Today is Harvestcandyween
the most festive Saturday
you've ever seen
Full of candy
full of fun
full of laughter
& friends to share
Food & games everywhere
Celebrating the harvest
without the screams
is every happy Harvestcandyween

Friday, November 1, 2013

(64) Inner Monologue

Never expected at 27 to feel
like I'm taking a blindfolded 
leap of faith
across a ravine
on a unicycle 
through a ring of fire
in front of critics

Is that too harsh?
Too complicated or over-thought?

On these late nights,
I can't help myself
my brain scrolls through
every twist, wrong turn, mistake
that brought me here

And I keep thinking
I'm such a fake
Don't they see my fear
Don't they know I have
no idea what to do
when I'm standing here 

Sometimes I see the good
in this heart of mine
but sometimes I worry
my dark is pushing away my light

And my brain asks my heart
Are we strong enough for this?
It's not sure how to answer