Saturday, November 22, 2008
What am I seeing?
Do you see what I see?
I put my hand to the glass
Your hands mirror my action
Though I can see your fingers touching mine,
They feel as cold as the glass they are behind
We don't wear masks,
But we put up these walls of glass
Why are they so hard to break?
I can see you
Your heart is visible through the pane
But all I do seems in vain
There's no touching you
But I feel so delusioned.
Fantasy seems to get the best of me so often
You cross my mind more than you ought
Time is hard to define
It passes too quickly when you're by my side
The moonlit nights revive the ache,
and my fears are hard to hide
Trusting you has been easier than I ever dreamed it could be
But isn't that how heartbreak starts
Your claims of compassion, of passion, of need
Taking care of this still beating heart
These things you tell me
All this you say you'll give
The words are clean and the air tastes of sincerity,
Why then do I still feel so alone?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Favorite things of this very moment (8:45 am CST):
- Tyler Hilton
- Mom's comment that she's never seen me move as fast as I did this morning when she woke me up to tell me that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were going to be on the Today show
- Seeing Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart on the Today show
- Talking to Dan online this morning
- Knowing Nikky will have a box from me in hand by the end of today
- Having a discussion with Ben when I don't have nearly enough sleep and too much caffeine in my system
- The urge to dance badly, even when sleep deprived, caffeinated, and aching
- That this is sincerely my friend Dustin reincarnated into a movie villain, and not just any villain, but JAMES: http://www.bordersmedia.com/twilight/?cmpid=SL_20081120_REW#video
How should love be?
Honestly, what's it really supposed to be like? How are you supposed to know when you've found the right person? Obviously things aren't immediately going to go smoothly. Life doesn't work that way, and I have a sneaking suspicion that love doesn't either.
Do you know you're in love when all you want is for that other person to be happy? Does it become obvious when you what to sacrifice what you want in order that they're taken care of? Or does that just mean that you want to be a martyr?
I don't want to be a martyr. I want to find a way to love and love deeply, but the thing is, in order to do that, you have to find someone to love.
Here I am world.
I am lost, lonely, and aching for something more. At least somewhere deep down I am. Ironically, on the surface, for the people I meet, most of them don't see this side of me. I don't like it showing through. Savage intensity tends to scare people...go figure.
So what's a girl to do?
She writes. A lot. Lyrics, bad poetry, the occasional bit of good poetry, scripts, sketches, scenes from life, short stories, and works on books.
Maybe someday I'll have a tall dark outlet for this insanity. The kind that has a beautiful voice and likes to read books as much as I do and won't mind staring up into the night sky with me for hours...
Until then, I'll work on living.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Favorite things of this very moment (1:38 pm CST):
- TheArtSociety (http://www.youtube.com/user/TheArtSociety)
- Mixes from Nikky
- Fraiser Season 3
- Having a cd player in my car (fantastic)
- Leaving messages of encouragement ("I hope you successfully take over the world!") on people's voicemail
- My digital camera
"You and I've got something then it's all and then it's nothing to me..."
Again, I say unto you, life is a beautiful thing.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
- Tyler Hilton
- Lunch invites from Dan (and Heather comes too!)
- Seriously horrible dancing interrupted when the person you're calling actually answers and you can't stop giggling for a full minute before you can actually talk to them...
- Good emails
- Pumpkin Spice mixed French Vanilla cappuccino.
Today will be a good day. I can feel it in every breath I take.
There's something about autumn sunshine that breaks my heart and makes me new all at the same time. Like is shines through all the broken bits of a heart and makes it heal a bit faster. Almost like it's an adhesive of some kind bring it all back together.
Lately everything has been aching and hard to take. I was warned that relationships were hard from the very beginning. Especially when you're not actually with the person you adore, but instead find yourself in the position of their most trusted/beloved friend. Keepers of secrets and holder of their faith. Finding it hard to find balance between the best friend and all the desires of your heart.
My mom says that it's because I'm just like she was. Let's hope so. Her story ended well. Mine will too, however that works.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
To take my confusion out in colors
Red, blue, teal
The streaks and smears to show you how I feel about everything
Tears in my clothes, holes in my shoes
Do I look more like a lost little kid to you than the adult I’m supposed to be?
How lost do I seem?
Thinking I could ever be something to you seems so asinine
How could you love me when I’m still learning to grow up?
One failure at a time, please.
I see those colors and the painting I create in my head
If only I could just show you the canvas
If only I could figure out what I’m trying to show you, what I want you to see
What am I trying to be?
I adore him. He’s become the Band-Aid upon my wounded heart. Everything about him makes me smile, even his stubborn streak that lets him believe he’s right when he’s clearly wrong. He has been the first honest person I feel I’ve met in years and gradually he’s overcome my barriers and won my trust.
I cannot lose him now. Not after finally letting down my barriers. Not after finally coming out of the shell and prison I’ve locked myself in for so long. Not after finally finding someone I can honestly be myself with and feeling that he actually appreciates my candor and quirks.
Why is this happening? These feelings, all that I want to do with/for him, all the joy I have upon seeing him, all that I want for him…will someone else get to keep him?
The irony is that I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I shouldn’t. I’ve been praying that he will find someone. Not just anyone mind you, but the One. I want him to be happy. He’s an amazing man, but I recognize the ache of loneliness that tinges his late night emails and how he plays with talk of the future with a rather free-wheeling appearance though it rings much deeper than he wants to show. I want what is best for his life. I want him to find the joy and love he truly deserves…and if this girl is it, I guess I will have to relinquish my hopes and let him go.
But is she? Can she see how wonderful he truly is? Does she appreciate his honesty and his straightforward manner? Will she find him too abrupt? Will she appreciate his ability to help anyone and everyone ever searching for someone to fill in for their band? Can she understand the level and commitment of his faith? His strength in his belief? How he can eat a large pizza all by himself in a manner of minutes? Will his smile send her heart racing? How he can't understand what a hangover is like because he's never had one, but still absolutely loves a good beer? Does his laugh keep her smiling long after he’s gone? Will she find his fear of centipedes endearing, even if it means that it will take both of them to get rid of one? Will she encourage his ability as a writer? Will she be able to have extensive conversations on the most pointless of topics? Will she be at every show to encourage him? Will she be constantly telling people about his talent? Will she feel empty when he isn’t present? Will she find herself unable to banish his face from her dreams at night (would she want to even if she could?)? Will she write him letters? Will she let him know how amazing he really is on a regular basis? Will he be able to fully be himself? Will she try to change him or demand him to be or do things that he doesn’t want to do?
Can she really love him like I do?
Maybe I don’t really love him. Maybe I just see him as something more than beautiful. Someone incredibly wonderful that I wish could love me. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of him right down to every strand of hair that falls into his beautiful green eyes and the way he yawns…
Or maybe I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend.