Saturday, November 1, 2008

This Cannot Be My Fate

I stare at my ceiling wishing it could whisper to me some words of comfort. That it could somehow be something magical and that it could tell me that my fears are irrelevant. I could not possibly have come so close to someone only to lose them. That cannot possibly be my fate.

I adore him. He’s become the Band-Aid upon my wounded heart. Everything about him makes me smile, even his stubborn streak that lets him believe he’s right when he’s clearly wrong. He has been the first honest person I feel I’ve met in years and gradually he’s overcome my barriers and won my trust.

I cannot lose him now. Not after finally letting down my barriers. Not after finally coming out of the shell and prison I’ve locked myself in for so long. Not after finally finding someone I can honestly be myself with and feeling that he actually appreciates my candor and quirks.

Why is this happening? These feelings, all that I want to do with/for him, all the joy I have upon seeing him, all that I want for him…will someone else get to keep him?

The irony is that I shouldn’t be reacting like this. I shouldn’t. I’ve been praying that he will find someone. Not just anyone mind you, but the One. I want him to be happy. He’s an amazing man, but I recognize the ache of loneliness that tinges his late night emails and how he plays with talk of the future with a rather free-wheeling appearance though it rings much deeper than he wants to show. I want what is best for his life. I want him to find the joy and love he truly deserves…and if this girl is it, I guess I will have to relinquish my hopes and let him go.

But is she? Can she see how wonderful he truly is? Does she appreciate his honesty and his straightforward manner? Will she find him too abrupt? Will she appreciate his ability to help anyone and everyone ever searching for someone to fill in for their band? Can she understand the level and commitment of his faith? His strength in his belief? How he can eat a large pizza all by himself in a manner of minutes? Will his smile send her heart racing? How he can't understand what a hangover is like because he's never had one, but still absolutely loves a good beer? Does his laugh keep her smiling long after he’s gone? Will she find his fear of centipedes endearing, even if it means that it will take both of them to get rid of one? Will she encourage his ability as a writer? Will she be able to have extensive conversations on the most pointless of topics? Will she be at every show to encourage him? Will she be constantly telling people about his talent? Will she feel empty when he isn’t present? Will she find herself unable to banish his face from her dreams at night (would she want to even if she could?)? Will she write him letters? Will she let him know how amazing he really is on a regular basis? Will he be able to fully be himself? Will she try to change him or demand him to be or do things that he doesn’t want to do?
Can she really love him like I do?

Maybe I don’t really love him. Maybe I just see him as something more than beautiful. Someone incredibly wonderful that I wish could love me. Maybe I’m in love with the idea of him right down to every strand of hair that falls into his beautiful green eyes and the way he yawns…

Or maybe I have allowed myself to fall in love with my best friend.

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