Friday, October 24, 2008

The Reset Button

Favorite things of this very moment (12:33 pm CST):
  • Dynamic Horizons Computer Services
  • My wonderful long-sleeved brown/green wool sweater with the extra long sleeves that cover most of my hand and keep me feeling cozy
  • Leaving insanely long and repetitive voicemails which include not only relevant information, but also things like pointless lists of things that I love (a good hat, dark chocolate, mix cds, Count Chocula, etc.)
  • Bubble wrap
  • Finding a box that is just the right size
  • Kind parents who are willing to let you borrow their car when yours is in the shop
  • Dragonflies
  • Rings that remind you of your ideals and dreams for life
  • Being officially out of Etter's Algebra-from-Hell class
  • Switchfoot's "Beautiful Letdown" cd...sometimes you forget how much you love a set of songs...

I finally had Mr. Etter sign my withdrawal slip today. I'm so glad. It made me feel a little guilty though. I was waiting when he came in and he was smiling till he saw me. Like somehow I single handedly had just ruined his entire day. Maybe I had. I imagine having someone withdrawal from your class feels a bit like rejection, and I have a lot of experience with how that feels. It's not a pleasant thing, but you know, sometimes it happens.

Aaron didn't cause me to feel like I should implode or even hyperventilate today. He's back to normal and feeling much better. No suggestive comments, no meaningful stares, no longing in anyone's eyes. Just warmth, kindness, and laughter, like always. I'm so glad. I don't need to find myself questioning my beliefs and morals and values like that ever, ever again. At least not for such base reason. *shakes head* Sometimes I truly am an idiot.

The tall one has been left his weekly message. I realized last week that I call him each Friday. It's virtually the same message: "Are you coming over?" The thing is, I like to throw in my own special brand of insanity in each message. This weeks message included the "things I love" list which I posted examples of in my favorite things of this moment list earlier. Yeah...sometimes I amaze even me.

Today doesn't feel like anything deep or profound. Instead it seems kind of relaxed. That seems ironic considering I have already been to school, taken care of business with Etter, gone to the counseling office (of course they can't reschedule my appointment because they're only taking walk-in's at the, and now I'm at Dynamic until 3. Then I will find myself running home and then running back out of the house to get to Kable by 3:30 so that I can get the last of my overtime in.

I think this sense of calm is from God. A peace that surpasses understanding. That's how I feel because I know that I should be worrying about something (at least that's how I act under normal circumstances of this kind), but it's like everything's in slow motion. This isn't a bad thing, instead it's allowing me to focus a little better on what is going on around me and to take it in and enjoy it at my own pace. A true thing of beauty. God is amazing.

God and I had a long talk last night, actually. This talk mainly discussed how I am an idiot. Lately I've fallen off the deep-end. This week I have been as far from happy with myself as I have been in a very long time. It's just like everything went haywire. I'm not really sure how I managed to let everything get this bad, but it did. A lot of things should not have been said or thought or considered or done. Yet I did them. Why was I rebelling like this? I'm not a teenager. There's no reason for this kind of immature behavior from me, but it seems to have been the theme of the week: stupid, impulsive, childish, and the worst was the thought process. Reigning in my thoughts should have been a higher priority, but I was lazy.

So I'm back to the beginning and moving forward. Cleared slate, and we'll see what I can make of it this time. God is gracious to the extreme and I truly don't deserve this kind of love and forgiveness.


Life moves, and I'm moving with it.

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