Worth Waking For

Tell me you’ll come back for me

Tell me there’s a way

I’ve been waiting here forever

and I know we’ve been together

in dream after dream after dream

So tonight before my eyes begin to wake

tell me this isn’t going to remain a dream forever

that there is something out there,

someone out there,

worth waking up for

Because if you are only a dream,

if this can never be,

I am not getting out of this bed

There will never be a reason to wake up

if you aren’t real

So please tell me,

tell me you will return for me,

and walk through my door

soon.

Thankful: God is SO Good

I realize Thanksgiving is one full week away from today, but I thought I'd get a head start on discussing some of the things I am most thankful for at the moment.  So here are a few of the things I am thankful for today in no particular order:

1. Basket Beginnings in Oregon, IL.  I am working here for a couple hours today.  It isn't much, but I love it.  The store itself is beautiful and you can get anything from yarn to basket supplies to handmade jewelry and bags to gently used clothing to candles shaped like wine corks (I bought one for Nikky & Yan for part of their wedding gift) to horse tack to Linda, the owner, is an incredible lady full of crafty talent that I hope to attain to much like the talent of my Grandma Cheatwood.  I may even learn how to weave sometime in the near future.  I am pretty excited about that prospect.
2. Oregon Healthcare Pharmacy Services, Inc.  Another wonderful place that I work, and today I found out they should be needing me full-time through the rest of the year which is wonderful since I have been home and without work all week because I finished the project they had hired me on for.  I'll have normal hours again starting next week.
3. Brisk Unsweetened Ice Tea.  I stopped at the Mobil in the village today and was planning on getting a crazy large soda simply because I could, but instead ended up getting myself a healthier and tastier alternative in this tasty tea.
4. Feelings of accomplishment.  I managed to schedule my gym orientation for at the Grove, set up a dentist appointment and a doctor's appointment as well all within about 20 minutes this morning.  Things I should have done a long time ago, but I have been worried about money and time amongst other things.  I am glad to have this done though.  I makes everything a little easier. 
5. Yarn.  Especially from Basket Beginnings.  I bought five more skeins today to work on a very special blanket for a very special little boy who will be coming into the world for his big debut in about 6 weeks.  This blanket will be soft and durable.  It will also be machine washable and dryable, so that will make this a little easier.  Plus it is in a nice set of lovely but not overbearing colors.  Hopefully he'll like the blanket and his parents will too. 
6. Conor.  I shall soon have a nephew named Conor.  My very best friend in the universe and her husband are going to be proud parents very, very soon, and I will be an insanely proud aunt who has a hard time not spoiling her nephew.  This special little man has already brought me more light and joy this week than I have had in a long time.  I cannot wait to meet him.  If this list was in order of things I am most thankful for at the moment, he would be at the very top of the list. 
7. Having a little money.  I am not rich.  I am, in fact, quite broke, but I have just enough money to take care of my immediate and most pressing needs at the moment.  I have no idea if/how I will pay for returning to school if I head down there in the spring, but for the time being, and partially because of item #2 on this list, I will have the money I need to take care of my car, my doctor's appointment, gym membership (which I really do need, I am so horribly out of shape), and Christmas presents.  It may not be much, but it is enough.  God is good.
8. Christmas shopping.  I realize many people have very negative things to say about Christmas shopping or they find it stressful  and overwhelming, but I adore Christmas shopping.  I love finding things or what I need to make gifts for the people I love.  I do not believe you have to spend a ton of money on the gifts you want to give people, but I do believe good gifts deserve some thought.  This year I am already looking forward to the look on my mom's face when she sees I finally found her a copy of a movie she has loved for years and years that we've never been able to find.  I am also looking forward to seeing my youngest brother reading a book I bought him.  ACTUALLY READING!  Considering how brilliant he is, you'd think he read all the time but that isn't the case.  I found out that there is a fourth book in a series he absolutely loves, and I know he will read it.  What's there not to love about a book filled with pirates, adventures, hilarity and ham?  It will be great. 
9. My ears.  They may not be my favorite physical feature, although I don't mind my ears, but what I love about them is their glorious ability to hear.  Music and laughter are two things I would be sad to live my life without hearing. 
10. Warm blankets.  I love making them, I love cuddling up with them, and I love that they make it hard to get out of bed in the morning.  I may stay in bed for as long as I can on Saturday.  I thought about it this morning, but the idea of coffee pulled me out of bed long before I expected.  This thought leads me to #11...
11. Coffee.  God bless the wonderful individual who realized that coffee was something a person could drink.  It makes every morning a little easier and warms me up on cold evenings alongside a tasty slice of homemade pie.  As Shane points out in Agnes & the Hitman, it reaches up into the brain and presses GO.  What's not to love about that?

I think I will leave this list at 11.  This makes me think of Spinal Tap which makes me think of Sam which makes me glad I have this list of things to be thankful for.  Ha.

Be blessed and recognize those blessings big and small.  God is so, so, soooo very good.

Love,
J

A Poem by e.e. cummings Which I Love

You Are Tired (I Think)

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we’ll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I’ll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I’ll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

e.e. cummings

(1)

I need to reset.  I need a fresh start.

Time for another round of confessions, I think.

I've never really cleaned a bathroom.  Not the formal way you are supposed to, I don't think.  Bathrooms just freak me out.  I never feel like I clean them as well as I am supposed to.  I've always gotten lucky enough to have roommates who are willing to clean bathrooms while I do more of the kitchen and general house cleaning.

I thought I was fat in high school, and I really wasn't.  Maybe I wasn't toothpick thin, but I was beautiful.

I am afraid I will someday weigh somewhere in the range of 400 lbs like one of my beloved aunts.  I have seen her struggling to move and breath and be comfortable and own normal clothes for years, and I am perpetually afraid that is what I will become.  And yet I never seem to do better at taking care of myself.

I don't really want to give up.

I am afraid that I will live in my parents' house forever.  Or, just as bad, that they will kick me out because I am too old to live at home.

I really don't know what I want to do with my life.  I want to write children's book or just books or something, but I feel overwhelmed and discouraged at the thought of publishing.  I don't know if I believe in myself enough to put myself out there that many times...it is so rare to be published early on.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good enough writer to be published.  Even if I do have a little freelance published and have won an award or two for my poetry.  I still struggle to believe it's anywhere close to adequate or what someone really wants to read.

I have an empty Boone's farm bottle that I put cash in to keep myself from spending it so that I will have money to pay for groceries right after I get down to Atlanta.

...or if I go back to Atlanta.

Returning to Atlanta may not happen.  I haven't discussed this with anyone outside of my mom and I emailed Nikky.  I still have barely been able to admit to myself that this may be what happens.  I don't have any money.  I don't budget well, I barely try, and my full-time just became hit or miss because the project they hired me for is done.  I feel overwhelmed all over again.

Plus, to be honest, I am not sure I want to put money back into an institution that has recently become terrible about treating my family well.  Do I really want to pay them when I am not sure I trust them at all?

If I decide to not go back, what do I do?  That scares me too.

Let's be honest, I am just uncertain and I am scared.  Frustrated with myself on top of it.  And I know God has got this.  Please don't give me the cliches, I don't need them.  But I am not yet hearing His voice or feeling His nudge.

I am afraid I will be looked at as the family flake.  Or that my friends will think I am wishy-washy.  Maybe it seems shallow to have this worry, but really...I was supposed to move to SC, to Ohio, to ABC, to ABC, and possibly to ABC again...and I have had things change those plans so many times.  Apparently I just make the wrong plans.  Or just don't hear correctly the first time around.

And I don't know how to classify what is happening with my heart, but I let Sam go.  He doesn't need a girl like me hanging onto him when he's not mine to begin with.  I don't need the heartache, and he doesn't need the awkward situation.  It's not his fault that I created this sideline fantasy that deep down he really was looking for me, well not entirely.  He did have a little to do with it, but the fantasy I concocted was confusing his trust for admiration and his putting me in the friend zone (big time) for his need to have me in his life.

I've allowed our relationship to trail off a little.  I've tried to avoid initiating texts.  No pet names of any kind. No letters.  No messages via Facebook.  No notes or wall posts of personal-esque nature.  No compliments beyond what is casual between friends.

The mix I posted was one I have been working on for myself.  Something to remind me that this is the end and that it's the right thing for me to do.  No, it's not really what I was hoping for.  I was hoping for something good.  Something for forever.  For me.  But this isn't mine.  Sam doesn't belong to me.  Which makes me a little sad, but the great thing is this: I don't belong to him either.

I am still free.  No one can tell me where to live.  What I can and cannot do.  That I shouldn't paint my fingernails blue.  Or cut my hair off again.  Or that I should turn off the light and go to sleep instead of being up till ridiculous hours of the night writing or reading or watching whatever movie I want.  I don't have to answer the phone.

Those things all sound ridiculous, but being able to do what I want...that is a bonus.  I should enjoy that for now.

As Kim reminded me recently, there is a time and a season for everything.  And I hate the idea of a "season of singleness" which people always say and then say things about how blessed it is, buuuuut, there's something to be said for that.  I just hope I make the best of it.  Never sure if I'm actually learning what I am supposed to be learning.

I am Joseph Gordon-Levitt's Tom from (500) Days of Summer or Ilsa Fischer's April from Definitely, Maybe.  Or, on my more frustrated days, Jacob Black of the Twilight series (books, NOT the movies).

I have barely been reading my Bible lately.  Prayer has been bizarre.  I've been praying for the people I love because there's been so much pain and frustration and sadness and hurt, but I'm struggling to pray for myself.  I don't know what to ask or to say.  And I haven't been nearly as thankful as I should be.  I am working to reclaim my faith.

And now...I desperately need sleep.  And tomorrow/today (I guess) is day (1).  That's something to smile about.

Love.

Small Sparkles

Favorite things of this moment (3:53 pm CST), a long overdue list:

• Coffee with Bailey's Irish Cream Creamer in it
• ZOEgirl singing "What Child Is This?" 
• The cheerfully insane joy having bought myself a copy of the "Breaking Dawn" soundtrack this morning brings me (the soundtracks have been consistently awesome even if the movies are completely silly, and this one is no exception)
• Apple cider candles...*happy sigh*
• Two sleepy cats and one incredibly inquisitive kitten
• Susan Boyle's beautiful voice
• The way our living room lights up to a brilliant gold color late in the afternoon and makes everything feel like it will work out no matter what I may have been feeling before.  The beauty of that color takes my breath away
• Real Simple...I picked up the December 2011 issue at the library today and I've already read it.  Such a great magazine

Today I worked for an hour.  The only reason I feel even slightly bad about that is because I probably could have skipped today and they wouldn't have to worry about paying me at all.  I went in and took care of everything they had for me.  As it is Veteran's Day, nothing new came in, so I didn't have anything else to do.  So I left and drove down to Dixon.

The reason I choose that moment to drive to Dixon?  I wanted the Breaking Dawn soundtrack.  I have bought the others as soon as they came out, and I came close to making the drive down to Dixon in the dark immediately after work on Tuesday night.  Talked myself out of that bit of silliness.  Especially since I was recovering from being sick and Morgan wanted to go to dinner.  Instead I chose to drive down today since I was without plans.  

Went down, bought the soundtrack, some sparkling juice, and a pair of candy bars (one for me, one for me to drop off for Mom at work).  Got myself home and listened to the whole cd while writing some letters, and I am thoroughly glad I bought it.  I realize I am a nerd, but sometimes you gotta take those silly joys where you can find them.  Mine are often found in finding just the right music.  I mean, look at how many mixes I have used to tell stories over the years.  Good music and good mixes...they just make the world a little better.

The rest of the day has been spent trying to do some little things to bring others joy: doing the dishes, making Forrest some lunch, taking my mom chocolate, scratching kitty ears, writing letters, working on a Christmas mix...

Sometimes it really is those little things that make life wonderful.

Again, be the good.  Little or big.  

Love,

J

A Fool's View from the Fire Escape:

1. Lost Love - Mindy Smith
2. Fire Escape - Matthew Mayfield
3. Kill - Jimmy Eat World
4. What I Know - Parachute
5. I Caught Myself - Paramore
6. You Keep Me Hanging On - The Supremes
7. Make Me Wanna Die - The Pretty Reckless
8. Missing You - Tyler Hilton
9. The Kill - 30 Seconds to Mars
10. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
11. Hopeless - Train
12. Your Time is Gonna Come - Led Zeppelin
13. Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk - Plain White T's
14. How's It Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
15. Your New Twin Sized Bed - Death Cab for Cutie
16. So Close - Jon McLaughlin
17. Moonlight Kiss - Bap Kennedy
18. Coffee & Cigarettes - Michelle Featherstone
19. (If You Want It) - Relient K
20. I'm Gonna Find Another You - John Mayer

It's been a long hot summer and I'm still trying to leave you alone.  I heard the cold wind say I was a fool to stay, but I did.  I did. I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away. I can't help it, baby, this is who I am.  I can't just turn off how I feel.  And I'm not certain of the way it was.  And I'm not sure what I could have done... I had to stop myself from saying something that I should have never thought.  You're not the one I believe in.  I don't know what I want.  You don't want me all yourself, so let me find someone else.  You don't really love me.  You just keep me hanging on.  And I'll never be good enough.  Every time I think of you, I always catch my breath.  I'm still standing here and you're miles away.  And there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart.  It's my heart that's breaking down this long distance line tonight.  You said you wanted more, what are you waiting for?  I'm not running from you.  Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.  All I wanted was you.  You're not sure that you love me but you're not sure enough to let me go.  Baby, it ain't fair to just keep me hanging 'round.  It's alright, ya, I'll be fine.  Just take your love and hit the road.  There's nothing you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway...  Everything has changed around here.  I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way.  And I'd say it on the phone if I thought you were alone.  Why do things have to change?  One of these days, and it won't be long, you'll look for me and I'll be gone.  Do what you want.  I can't feel you anymore.  You can say all these beautiful things, but they mean nothing.  You gotta back it up.  I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore.  How's it gonna be when you see that I'm not there?  It's the silence I can't ignore.  I use to think that someone would come along and lay beside me in the space that they belong, but the other side of the mattress...the box springs they stayed like new.  What's the point of holding onto what never gets used?  All that I wanted was to hold you so close, and I almost believe that this one's not pretend.  We are so close, so close and still so far.  I can feel my heart.  It's fit to burst.  I tried to clean it up.  But it just gets worse.  I wish I could fall, on a night like this, into your loving arms for a moonlight kiss.  I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet.  I thought my problems would just disappear and all my pain would be in yesterday.  I watched my bad habits get flushed away.  I thought that would keep my head on straight and all my pain would be in yesterday.  But it's true, I'm still blue.  But I finally know what to do.  I must quit.  I must quit you.  I can't keep a straight face and say this is not the end.  Cuz this is the end if you want it.  You're not the first thing in my life I've loved and lost.  There are worse things that I might be less inclined to just shrug off.  I am convincing myself that I'm worthwhile because I know that I'm worth what I convince myself to be.  I took the fire escape and made it out.  I still burn from time to time, but I am healing.  It's really over.  You made your stand.  You got me crying.  But when my loneliness is through I'm gonna find another you.  You might have your reasons, but you will never have my rhyme.  I'm going to sing my way away from you.  I'm gonna find another you.  I hope he's nicer too.  So go on baby, make your little get away.  Now I'm going to dress myself for two.  Once for me and once for someone new.  I'm going to do some things you wouldn't let me do.  And I'm gonna find another you.

Here's to hope.

Be the Good

Tonight finds me dancing along to The Bravery's "Ours," and fighting the urge to open and drink a whole bottle of Moscato by myself.

Does anyone else constantly what to scream when they watch the news because it never seems like there are good things?  Sex scandals, abuse, murder, shootings, robberies, kidnappings, disappearances, war, death, rape, and natural disaster.

More than anything, we need Christmas.  We need the hope and light and joy of the Advent.  A reminder that 2000 years ago God sent us hope in the form of a little baby boy that would change everything.  He came to bring us light, forgiveness, love, peace, and joy.

Jesus.

What a truly beautiful name.  A name that means that someday this will all be over.  There won't be anymore of this terror or horror or pain.  You won't wake up to find that your best friend is dead, people you love are having kidneys fail, someone's house has burnt down, your car is broken again, your family is broke, you've lost your job, you're sick with a disease that may kill you, or that children have been abused and no one stood up for them.  No, none of that will happen ever again.

Instead you'll be standing hand in hand with the people you love smiling out into eternity.

May it come soon.

I realize this may seem early, but I'm wishing you a Merry Christmas tonight.  If your day, week, etc. has been anything like mine, I think you deserve a little Christmas early.

So let's make it feel like Christmas tonight and from this moment onward.  Let's find a way to do something good for someone else tonight, tomorrow and each day.  Let's make sure that everyone has a bit more good.  We all need more hope and good news.

Be the good.

On the Loss of Five Heart-Shaped Ice Cubes

Sometimes at night
I still wonder
Why couldn't this have worked?

And then I remember
all the little failures
And I am glad

There have been
many names
many faces

But they
are not
You.

And the ache that resounds
so deep in my soul
echoes

When reminded,
I remember nothing fills it
but You, Lord.

Sure, there are times,
and places
and seasons

but
it is not
today.

When I stop trying to fill
my heart with things
and people who will never satisfy

and start remembering
You, Lord, only You
can ever fill in

these cracks
and breaks
and old wounds.

Only you
can heal a heart,
can heal a soul.

Then I will see
that the loss of so much,
the loss

of five heart-shaped ice cubes...
though sad,
was never meant to be the end

or anything too great
to be born
but instead

it was just
a new
beginning

Blargh

It has been another one of those totally bizarre days.  A mix of good and bad.

Good: Slept in and then got up and made Dunkin Donuts Mint Mocha coffee (my FAVORITE) and sat and watched the Today show with my mom while wearing my pj's and my sweet, sweet slipper boots.  Got to hang out with my mom for a long time today because we were both off work.  Got to work for about an hour at Basket Beginnings which just meant that I sat and worked on a blanket while talking to my mom.  Had some McDonald's for lunch (and yes I realize that's really not good for me, but it was a junk food kind of day).  Watched some good movies and played some computer games.  Played with my crazy cats.  Went to play practice that really just ended up being a sitting on the stage with scripts in our laps ladies' only brainstorming session.

This was all kinds of great.

On the bad side, some dear friends of mine went to court today to get a divorce after being married around 10 years.  They have two little girls who I love above and beyond almost all other children in the universe, and this whole deal just breaks my heart into bits.  Just as bad is seeing Jay have to deal with this because this couple has been a huge part of his life and some of his closest friends for as long as I can remember.  He's their eldest daughter's godfather.  It's breaking his heart too.

Oh, and then a friend of mine who has been like a little sister to me for years got married today.  She married the boyfriend I have been hating since pretty much the first time I met him when he refused to actually ever meet my eyes, who got her pregnant when she was in high school, who makes me super uncomfortable, and who I am darn near certain is abusive.  Yeah...somehow I can't be happy for her.  I want to be.  I want to be able to celebrate her marriage.  Her little boy's parents are finally married.  This should be great...buuuuuut...I just can't be.

Today has been so very weird.

Eh.

Tomorrow will be better.  It will be.  It will be.  I will make it so.

Note to Self:

Sometimes it is better not to ask because sometimes it really is what you think it means and it is better to not know because it doesn't result in your heart feeling like someone just tripped it and knocked the wind right out of it.  Sometimes you should just let it go and ignore the leading statement.  Life is not a movie, and just because someone is a huge part of your world does not mean you take up that much space in theirs or that, even if you do, the space may not be labeled the same.  Also, no matter how much time you've spent in "the friend zone" for someone or how use to it or normal you've convinced yourself it is or feels...it will never be enough or okay.  It will be one of those wounds that doesn't ever seem to heal.  Maybe now is the time to make a clean break for it and clean the hell out of that wound.  If it gets stitched up and given some real closure...maybe it will have a for real chance to heal.  Maybe.  And stop beating yourself up and thinking you're not good enough.  This isn't about you not being worthy, it's about the other person not being the right fit.  Stop being someone's sidekick or bet or nurse or addict.  Lead your own life.