Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Courageous One

Favorite things of this very moment (11:11 pm CST, make a wish):

  • Having successfully completed the lastest of the many mixes I make (oh yeah, try saying that 3 times fast)
  • The brilliance of Nikky's YouTube channel: http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=pseudoindiequeen (check it out! Immediately, now!)
  • Knowing I actually have plans to see Heather tomorrow
  • Wearing long sleeves in July and surviving without heat stroke
  • Chai tea
  • Tyler Hilton. Period.

I wish I had something brilliant and witty to say this evening, but all I really have to say is that even those of us that are shy and lost can still find courage within us. I was recently told by 3 people whose advice, opinion, and love mean more to me than almost anything in the world that I was brave. Considering I've spent most of my growing up feeling a bit like the Cowardly Lion, it came as a bit of a shock, but it meant so much.

What it comes down to is the fact that having someone call you "courageous one" can actually help you believe that maybe, just maybe, you are brave. Or, at least, much braver than you initially believed.

I may not be the bravest, but I know that I'm believed in. And I know that someday someone will ask for me by name.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


Favorite things of this very moment (4:32 pm CST):
  • The above and terribly beautiful picture of John Mayer. The man is just insanely good looking, and that picture is...lovely.
  • A big glass of sun tea with 5 ice cubes in it (now, if only they were heart-shaped)
  • Convincing Jay to wear a snowman print tie at church today with his green long-sleeved shirt (lots of people wore odd-print ties today for Bob Jones...it was a going away thing)
  • Lei's, preferably beautiful blue & white flowered ones
  • Perfecting a new mix for your best friend
  • The look on Jay's face when I handed him New Moon this morning. Priceless.
  • Getting the details worked out for the trip to FUEL
  • Knowing there will be a check for money towards my FUEL tuition at the church the next time I stop in while running errands
  • Seeing Alicia & Brit yesterday
  • Sleeping right through the night because I was so tired after being up till almost 2am this morning on the porch talking to Ben
  • Mascara & eyeliner (a life-saver, and they actually prove that I have eyes...weird)
  • Knowing there's exactly one week till I'll see Nikky, Jenny, Josh, Kyle, Graysen, Hope, JJ, Kimmieboo, and so many other people that I love and miss terribly, and that I'll get to be with them for a whole week
  • My Mom's delicious desserts
  • Having Jay come and sit with Dan, Rachel and I today for the sermon...finally...sheesh
  • The completely lack of humidity today
  • A perfect summer breeze
  • That I am wearing two layers today and completely comfortable (could it be this temperature all summer long?)

Life is a beautiful thing.

This morning when I got to church, I was informed that Jay and I were singing a duet on the verse of "Our God is an Awesome God." I've been singing that song for years with the verse, but we've never sung it with the congregation. On top of which, I've never sung a duet with Jay in all the years I've known him, and it meant I had to actually sing fairly high. Scared the bejeebers out of me, but I can honestly say, I enjoyed it. We sounded good, and I was told that Jay and I should be singing together more often. Bonus. :)

What I really loved was that I stepped up to the challenge and nailed it. Excellent.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just kind of passing through life, but mornings, well days actually, like this one prove to me that I am alive. I stepped up and faced a fear (silly, I know, but still, there was more adrenaline flowing in my veins today than you can understand, especially when it wasn't something bad or really scary), I actually held a successful and short meeting, talked to Gail about my tuition money for FUEL, convinced Jay to wear that ridiculous tie (for Bob!), wore a lei throughout all of church (yes, even while singing), taught Sunday school and actually felt good about how the class went, and spent my afternoon talking to adults. Isn't that lovely?

All I can say is that today, I am alive. This week, I am alive. I am trying to make some changes, to finally step up to the plate, to take some responsibility.

I am proud of myself for doing the following this week:

  • Signing up for classes at Sauk, and figuring out my goal to complete my associates
  • Writing a decent short story for the first time in several years
  • Having an open, honest, loving discussion about our relationship with Jay, and discussing the way our friendship has evolved into an incredibly close friendship. He's one of my best friends, and I'm one of his. This is lovely.
  • Being up front with Gail and talking to her about money for FUEL, and getting that taken care of
  • Taking the initiative to call PT and then get ahold of everyone and have a meeting and figure out what we need to do to get to FUEL
  • Singing the duet with Jay even though I was scared
  • Working a little overtime on Saturday because I needed the money and I wanted to step up a bit

Like I said, life is a beautiful thing. Just like John Mayer. I am well pleased. You have a beautiful day!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Give & Take

Least favorite things of this very moment (11:35 am CST):
  • That facebook isn't working properly this morning
  • The uncertainty of how I'll be getting to FUEL
  • Not knowing if the church is actually going to pay for part of my trip to FUEL...*sigh*
  • Worrying that maybe, just maybe, this will be a trip I can't make work this year

Alright, enough of that garbage.

Life isn't really bad. I've had a defining and all-around good week. Jay and I have been incredibly honest with one another, and I know feel completely at home in the relationship we've created. He's one of my very best friends, and he doesn't need to be anything more. I am okay with that.

I'm looking forward to FUEL next week, but I'm terrified of the amount of money that will be necessary to travel to get there. This is why a girl my age should have a working budget or a very, very, very lucrative career. Pathetically, I have neither, which is why weeks like this make me disgustingly nervous. On top of which, you've got the whole pride issue. I've got lots of that, apparently, but only in areas where it's completely unhelpful. You know, like monetary issues.

Jaymin's newest goals for life:

  • Create a budget
  • Stick to budget
  • Pay Dad back to the full for all previously concocted debts due to car accidents
  • Be a wee bit less cynical

Life has to work out. This is the second half of 2008. Therefore, it has to get better. This week has been excellent. Let's keep moving on in the vein, shall we.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:46 am CST):

  • My digital camera
  • Brandon Clark's fabulous cd
  • The cool weather we've had all week
  • Black Wind by Clive Cussler

Let's see what happens. It will keep getting better.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The Magic of Front Porches

Sitting curled up on the corner of her bed was her favorite way to contemplate. She sat with her back to her window letting its light pour onto her open notebook listening to the combination of the music playing on her cd player and the gentle tapping of the rain.
There was an edge in her feelings today. She couldn’t decipher it completely . It was a combination of the fear of rejection and the hope that this boy was different.
Jamie was everything she’d ever hoped for. His beliefs and morals were stronger than she’d ever seen. She respected him for his kindness, strength, brilliance, and a musical talent that seemed to flow from deep inside his soul. She loved nothing better than sitting with him while he played his guitar.
The night before had been their best yet. He’d come to the house for a cook-out, and late in the evening, as they sat on her porch talking with friends, she’d asked him to tune her guitar. That went better than she ever could have possibly imagined. He’d smiled as he tuned the guitar, but instead of returning it, leaned back into the wall of the porch and started strumming. She relaxed into the chair next to his perch and closed her eyes. There was a magic in the music he created. The casual grace of his beautiful hands finding words he would never speak. It became indescribably beautiful to her.
She would, every few minutes, look up into Jamie’s liquid green eyes while he played. The joy of just being and creating something beautiful was plain on his face. He was lit up from the inside out while he played, more beautiful than the sunrise.
But what she really wondered, as she sat curled on the bed was, did he know? Was the joy she felt in his presence visible to him? They’re friends all knew. Claire felt like her heart was as far out on her sleeve as it could get. She shamelessly plugged his music and ability to everyone she knew because she felt he really didn’t see himself for all the talent he really possessed. What a true thing of beauty, she thought to herself and smiled.
Claire still had no idea if he knew. Even if he did, would he say anything. She thought he would if he cared, but she was more concerned that he’d play the gentleman and pretend he didn’t know. No, no, she berated the thought, he doesn’t know, or he’s too shy to say anything. He’s healing from Her.
She shook her head. How long does it take a heart to heal? His beautiful heart had been broken by a girl Claire never felt really deserved him. She didn’t understand how they had stayed together. Jeanette. She cringed as she thought the name.
Her mind flashed back to the last time she saw them together. Jamie had been holding Jeanette’s hand as he talked to Claire about books he’d been reading. Claire had listened to every word absorbed by how much he wanted to tell her, but eventually she’d noticed the sullen expression on Jeanette’s face. She never felt comfortable with Jeanette. Jeanette, she was sure, could see through her feeble attempt to disguise her feelings, but today, Jeanette didn’t just seem annoyed with her, but with the fact Jamie wanted to speak to her at all.
It was less than 24 hours before Claire had a distraught Jamie calling her. The irony was how upset he seemed to be giving her bad news. She’d melted when he’d apologized and quickly convinced him that he never could or would be a burden to her. That’s what friends were for, to care for each other.
There had rarely been a day since then that they had gone without talking. It had been a month and a half since his heart had been cut open, but he seemed to be healing quickly under her care. She just kept praying it would become so much more.
Claire’s lips parted into a wide grin remembering one of the last things she’d said to him before he left the night before.
“Jamie, why doesn’t this happen every night,” she asked waving at him and the guitar.
His response didn’t come in any words, but instead in the form of the most gorgeous grin she’d ever seen, and it was directed at no one but her. I could make you happy. So very happy. Claire wanted to say so many thing, but her heart stopped for a moment as he kissed her lightly on the cheek as he handed her back her guitar and said good night. As she watched his tail lights disappear, she couldn’t help but wonder what would happen next.
Now, as she sat on her bed, she stared at the blank pages of her journal wishing she had the words to describe the depths of her feelings. Then the phone rang.
It was Jamie.
She took a deep breath, smiled, and opened the phone. She barely had time to say hello before he spoke, “Hey, I was wondering if that front porch would be willing to have me back tonight? I think the audience is my best yet. I could get use to it…”

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

As Nikky Once Said, "Life Moves."

Favorite things of this very moment (2:23 pm CST):

  • Hope that things might just be working out
  • Having the obvious pointed out to me when I'm way too blind to see it
  • That the tall one is not only reading Twilight but also enjoying it and (as the man of any girl's dreams would do) taking notes...oh yeah...
  • Smiling more than I ever dreamed possible
  • Sun tea in a gleaming teal & silver thermos
  • Rechargeable batteries
  • Knowing that when I check my email...he'll have emailed me back
  • New questions to answer
  • Good dreams (he's been in all of them this week...every last one)
  • "Hercules" (Sometimes Disney really does make wonderful movies)
  • Finding inspiration to write after two years of aching emptiness and complete and total writer's block
  • Being told he's still working on another mix for me (Sweetest Mix Ever 3!)
  • Sidewalk chalk
  • My beautiful digital camera
  • Blueberry scented bubbles
  • Knowing I've almost perfect this next mix and the story behind it should be as beautiful and transparent as is possible...
  • That he's coming on Friday...*sigh*

*shrugs* Right now the smile on my face is the size of Texas. I decided to check my email again before I started getting things ready to go to work, even though I didn't think it would do me any good, and there, gloriously enough, I already had an email back from my tall handsome friend. He is something magical. Truly magical.

I'm terrified of the hope that seems to be unstoppable and overflowing through my system. Could I finally have life moving in my favor?

Nikky and I decided that, as of yesterday, the year must only get better. The first 6 months of 2008 have been one nightmare after another. So many friends have died, so many people have been hurt, so many people have walked away, so many near death experiences have happened, and so much pain has blanketed life. All in 6 months.

We've entered the second half of 2008, and in this half only good things are allowed to show themselves.

Life is definitely moving. Quickly.

I called Sauk today. I go in to sign up for classes next Monday morning. I know they'll be confused as to why I didn't sign up for classes on my own online, but I really hate doing that. I like talking to people who train to help people who are just trying to figure things out tolerably, like myself, set up their schedules. One less thing to worry about. Perfect.

Maybe I'm not as ridiculous or as big a failure as I originally thought.

Apparently I'm fairly interesting too. I don't know what it is exactly, but I've managed to hook the attention of one of my absolute favorite people. I enjoy having questions to answer. I enjoy being able to say how wonderful he is on a regular basis. What I love most though is the fact that he's constantly talking back. I'm not having a one sided conversation with a wall. Instead, I've found a guy I can have deep discussions with and I'm feeling less ridiculous and self-conscious about it. On top of which, he is genuine and honest and insists that's what he wants from me. Without realizing what he's doing, he's slowly pulling down some of the walls I've maintained for years. He's letting me out...heh. I hope he's ready.

Like I said, the hope is a little scary. It's a struggle to accept the possibility that I may not be in this alone anymore. Perhaps...just perhaps...he actually is looking for me too.

Smile. The second half of this year has to get better. It already has.