Monday, October 26, 2009


This morning I sat trying to read a friend's poem for about 5 or so minutes before realizing all I was catching was the briefest and most random of phrases and was like I was just seeing random words flash in front of my face. I couldn't for the life of me focus my attention on that poem. This type of distraction seems to happen more frequently all the time. I am sure that this is mostly my own fault. I tend to multitask a bit more often than necessary. Listen to music or watch a movie while I'm trying to read or talk on the phone or IM or email someone or play with Mira or check on Cal...the list grows continuously.

For instance, right now I'm typing this and listening to "Anyone Else But You" sung by Michael Cera and Ellen Page. I keep swinging back and forth between listening to them and thinking about what I want to say. It's genuinely much easier to listen to music while typing than most other things.

I don't know. Last night I was talking to Dan Bliss (father of the Prince Harry look-alike winner, Matthew Bliss) and he was telling me he use to stay up all night reading a good book. Realize he was still up at 4:30 in the morning when he had to go to work at 7:30. (*It's 11:11 am. I'm going to make a wish. I wish that the guy who keeps showing up in my dreams would actually be real and show up in my actual waking life.*) I told him this was something I understand well. I do. If I find something I truly love nothing can stop my focus.

And maybe that's the key. I need to be in love with something in order to focus. Fear often makes me lose focus, but love drives out fear. Even in the simple things. If I fall in "love" with a book I will read it without thought to how it might break my heart by the end, and the same often applies to movies.

That's such a cheap example.

What about friendships and people? If I truly love a friend, little, if anything, distracts me from them. Projects for people I love are the easiest most often because I do them for the silliest of reasons...and sometimes for just plain good ones.

Crazy though I am, I firmly believe in showing love. Even if that love never gets returned. There's no point in holding love inside you when it needs to be given to someone else. When you love someone, that love no longer belongs to you anyway, it's theirs. Make sure you give it to them. That's my thought at least.

Well...that's trailed off a bit from where I started, but...that's not a huge surprise. This, after all, is just my jumbled heart and thoughts.

Favorite things of this very moment (11:20 am CST):
  • Fairly Odd-Parents! (makes me miss my own personal Cosmo though...*sigh*...if only--let's skip it)
  • My cellphone
  • iTunes' shuffle function
  • This blog, even when I'm a blithering idiot (which is more and more often it seems...)
  • Tyler Hilton, Foreigner, soundtracks, and Coldplay

Friday, October 23, 2009


"You seem like a person use to consequences."
- Princess Ithaca, "Princess"

I find it amazing how often situations go wrong because we don't tell the truth.

If we were honest with ourselves and each other, so many complications could be avoided. It's the many secrets and masks we wear that cause problems. that's what breaks hearts and tangles us in webs.

If we were honest with each other, life would be easier. We would not be broken by false hope. Life would still be just as romantic.

I realize that the pain we feel often allows us to feel joy more deeply, but...I do believe that we should be more honest about ourselves. Why do we not ask questions or give true answers?

We're scared and we're searching. But if we're all scared and we're all searching...shouldn't that be all the more reason to be honest? To be searchers together?

After all, what is any good story without a search? Every life contains a quest. A search for meaning. A search for love. If a person is smart, it seems that they realize those two searches are actually intertwined.


Favorite things of this very moment (9:27 am CST):
  • Ugly Mug's Vanilla coffee
  • The perfect green mug from Nikky
  • The cover of my newest many designs and such simple color (sadly, it is a store bought journal, not a creation of my own, so I can't claim the beauty I find in the cover as my own)
  • Finding out that one of my favorite authors (Patricia C. Wrede) wrote several book series I had never known about which means that I will soon have more reading to do....
  • The worlds softest pajama pants, even if they are bright, crazy colors and covered in coffee cups and the words "Need caffiene" in bright pretty script
  • Seeing David's new car parked outside knowing that my car is now officially my own again, and that all I need to complete this joy is to get the stupid hood fixed...
  • Bright colors of fall leaves
  • Jack Johnson's melodious voice

I started up this morning when my alarm went off. I can honestly say it was the first time in a long time that the alarm was really what woke me up. It's been awhile since that's happened. Normally I'm in that state of conciousness where I am no longer asleep, but can't quite grasp a full state of alertness. I wasn't dreaming either, so I was pretty far in.

The weirder part was getting up and realizing the house was perfectly quiet. All I could hear was the rain which blended into the background easily as all it's done here for the past 24 hours is rain.

I put my contacts in and grabbed my hoody, but was suprised to find my thoughts confirmed when I walked into the living room to find it empty. Outside of David sleeping upstairs, no one is here. This is genuinely strange. Mom doesn't work until 11 this morning, so I assumed she'd be here, and as Dad is on vacation this week, I thought he'd be here too. My guess is that they went shopping, but I'm not concerned enough to call and check. They'll come back yet this morning.

It really is strange though to wake up to silence. It is a bit unnerving really. I've never been fond of it. I love being awake in the still quiet part of the night. To know everyone in the house is sleeping, but it's different to wake up in the quiet. The night's quiet is more friendly. You know someone is there, but in the morning...more often than not, I find myself alone.

If there is one thing I understand about myself, it's that I don't like to be alone. Not in the traditional sense anyway. I may sit alone in my room while reading in the evening when my family is home, but I always have the security of their being present. I'm not really alone. There's something about knowing they're close that makes me feel content. It's because of this that a long time ago I realized I'd never do well living alone. It would just make me slowly go crazier than I already am.

To combat the silence, I've allowed the shuffle on iTunes to take over and already done all my facebook and email checking.

I am a strange creature.

Debussy's soft melody floats in the air
the soft piano plays on my heart
and as the rain hits my window
I find myself asking for hope again tonight

Just on more day
help me find one more reason to smile
Let me lose myself, with hope
in Debussy's melody

I just keep struggling to hang on
fighting to stay sane in all the darkness,
all this rain
Trying to remember the stars

They tell you pain and heartbreak ease in time
that love will come to call
So many promises, unfounded as they are
If only proof or hope would truly possess my heart

Yet, the seasons change,
and soon the rain and Debussy will go with them
for change,
change is the only deliverable promise

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Things you should maybe never actually suggest to someone:
  • That they're incredibly beautiful and you can't help but want to know everything about them (no, I haven't recently said this aloud to anyone, thankfully...geez)
  • Casually ask someone if they'd consider recording themselves reading a book for your personal happiness (it really makes you sound like a creep...)

I can't deny that the second statement is actually something I did today. I've been thinking about it for 2 straight days. This is what happens when you've made the mistake to listen to Twilight on audio book while at work with nothing to do but be as completely absorbed and in love with the story as the first's maddening to fall in love with fiction. Truly.

As I was listening to the book, I was disappointed in the woman's reading of Edward's lines. She seemed to put the correct inflection in the words for the most part, but it's not his voice. I still can't decide what voice he should have, but I think eventually the guy who falls in love with me will end up reading the books to me at least once...I mean at least Edward's words. It'll be perfect...for me. My Edward.

In the meantime, I'm an idiot. I asked a very tall friend of mine to consider the possibility of reading a book for me. Yeah... Mind you, I'm not just going to be asking for any book if he responds favorably. I don't know if he'll say yes or even consider it, but if he does, I'm going to be even more embarrassed by what I would like him to read for me. I want him to read Midnight Sun. I need a male voice to read it to me. Not a mechanical one (sorry Nikky, Alex can only do so much for me...ha), but a real voice. A voice I'm rather fond of. What a terrible plan....seriously. This may be a sign that I've officially jumped off the deep end. That and the fact that after watching several trailers for "New Moon" and google image searching both Forks, WA and Volterra in Italy...I'm insanely excited for this movie. It's terrible. I'm sure it's going to break my heart, but I'm so excited about the possibility that I can't help it. I emailed Jay the trailer and then begged that we go see it that night. The NIGHT it comes out. I need to see this. It's disgusting. And I am going to buy that stupid soundtrack...immediately. Possibly tomorrow. Ha.

To sum up: I am deranged, lonely, aching, and bizarre. Totally. And now I'm going to go finish Twilight so that I can start rereading New Moon as soon as possible. *sigh*

Favorite things of this very moment (8:17 pm CST):

  • Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
  • Audio books
  • The fact that sometimes I ask for things or simply ask questions that the average person would not have the courage to do (mostly because normal humans are not deranged or crazy or good at wearing their hearts on their sleeves...I excel at this)
  • The iPod

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


"And we will be ready, at the end of every day will be ready, will not say no to anything will try to stay awake while every one is sleeping, will not sleep, will make the shoes with the elves, will breathe deeply all the time, breathe in all the air full of glass and nails and blood, will breathe it and drink it, so rich, so when it comes we will not be angry, will be content, tired enough to go, gratefully, will shake hands with everyone, bye, bye, and then pack a bag, some snacks, and go to the volcano--"
-Dave Eggers, A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
October 20,2009
"Certain things they should stay the way they are. You out to be able to stick them in one of those big glass cases and just leave them alone. I know that's impossible, but it's just too bad anyway."
-J.D. Salinger
9:31 pm CST
Sometimes I really wonder if me reading is truly dangerous to my sanity. It's just like all those stupid chick flicks. They just mess with my already shaky grasp on humanity, reality, and relationships.
Beyond that, I frequently find myself concerned about where I'm headed. How far away from God am I pushing? That seems to be where I'm pushed and headed, and I don't want to do that. I don't want to suffer those kind of consequences...but, at the same time, I don't seem to care enough to dig my toes in and hold fast.
Maybe tonight I should just put in "Get Smart," drink a Bartles & Jaymes, and let myself sleep. I don't want the hovering darkness of my thoughts to catch up with me as it seems fairly well determined to do.
Maybe it comes down to wanting to justify my life and heart. I want to spread joy and cheer and hope, but for reasons I don't fully grasp, I can never seem to do so.
*Random brilliant idea: if/when I become exceedingly wealthy, I will try and start a scholarship for church of God kids. They don't have to go to ABC, but just into a career they will love. Happy people who have been helped are more likely to pay it forward, and Christians should be trying to help take care of each other anyway...when did that stop?*
I got really charged up while listening to the last few chapters of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I ended up writing a couple paragraphs of blither. About death. I'm probably going to keep those last few chapters on my iPod. Harry dealing with the death of Sirius, it was inspiring for me. I know the pain he was experiencing. Breaks open everything in you and leaves you feeling broken and hollow and drained inside.

Friday, October 16, 2009

My brain is full of longing and white noise
Sometimes the sound of the ache
Reminds me of the terror of the peacock's call
Such a beautiful creature,
But such a frightening voice

My heart might be the same
An incredible creature
But is the call of my heart scaring the one I need away?

This longing like the ocean
Pounding against the rocks
But to no avail
The rocks stand as ever

But I fall back again,
Lost int he ocean of my longing
Even as the waves try to wear down the shore...

One More Thing

I just realized, in looking back over the past several posts, that I haven't mentioned any of the new things I've done recently. As this is something I want to continue to keep documented to encourage myself and just to provoke my brain into remembering new can be good (or just plain ridiculous), I'd like to keep that updated. things:

First, I've watched several movies I've never seen before: North to Alaska and The Wedding Date. I watched them both within a span of 24 hours and felt like I was watching different versions of Pretty Woman. Weird. ha. Actually, I'd never watched a John Wayne movie all the way through, so North to Alaska was pretty cool. The way John Wayne talks really cracks me up, and it made me realize that Radar's (on M*A*S*H) impression of him is dead on. It's amazing. Cracked me up. Plus it reminded me of Nathan Lane in The Birdcage which makes me laugh so hard I want to cry. See figure 1.

Figure 1:


The Wedding Date was. I don't know how to say it. There were some bits of it I really appreciated. Some things that really made me laugh. There was the truly genius line, "I think I would have missed you even if I never met you." That was a pick up line if I ever heard one, and I've been driving myself crazy with the concept of "every woman is in the relationship she wants." Even if you're single and miserable, that apparently is how you want if it that's how you are...?

My sum up for the movies? Watch North to Alaska, especially if you like John Wayne or just crazy old movies. It was fun. The songs made me laugh, and well, actually, most of the movie made me laugh.

What else? I've been listening to Audio books at work. I love it. It makes work zoom past because I get so engrossed in the books. The Harry Potter series has been wonderful. I get so sucked into the books that I don't notice time or anything. I just type and listen. I'm about halfway through Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix right now, and the first 3rd of the book made me want to slap Harry every couple of paragraphs, but now I'm enjoying it.

Beyond that? I'm currently taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. I've actually opened a savings account, and it currently has a fairly decent balance. I haven't had a savings account since right before I moved to Atlanta for college, and having one now is making me feel much more at ease. I also have a budget. I've been dreading working out a budget for a long time. My thing has been to simply pay for anything I knew I needed to immediately after getting my check and then just trying to not overspend the rest of it. Ha. The budget is making my life infinitely easier. I don't have to feel guilty about how much money I'm spending any longer because I have already planned for the purchases.

For instance, Mom and I went to Wal-Mart today to pick up some things. I was able to buy the rest of the yarn I need for the baby blanket I'm making Brian and Hannah, along with the yarn for baby Aria's blanket without having to worry about the money I was spending. I've created a bit in my budget called my Good Fairy Fund, and it allows me to spend money on whatever I need to get or want to get for other people without causing me to wonder if I'll still have the money I need for gas or groceries. I love it. Plus, I'm forcing myself to put money aside for clothes. If I continue to do that, I will actually be able to buy myself some nicer new clothes without ever feeling guilty about the money because I've already set it aside, and I've already taken care of everything else I need to take care of.

Financial Peace University really is doing wonders for my sanity. I haven't worried about money in weeks. It's lovely. And it's a definite change. If you ever get the chance, definitely take the class. Or at least look up the basic principles. It makes a world of difference. :)

Third, my family is throwing our first ever Harvest Party on Halloween. It's the first time we've ever sent out invitations to a party too. That was fun. I put together a real basic invitation and sent them out this week. Hopefully quite a few of the families will be able to come. It'll be small, but it'll be fun.

Well...that's what I can think of currently, but I'll try to do a better job of posting about the new things as they happen. It's nice to see little changes and big ones as they happen.


Favorite things of this very moment (10:57 am CST):

  • New socks

  • "They Never Got You" by Spoon

  • Hair clips that for whatever reason don't want to work with my mother, but seem kinda fond of me

  • Sunshine and the wind blowing through the multi-colored leaves falling outside

  • Feeling the urge to dance, and taking it

It is a strange thing to have spent 3 years in solitude with this blog, and to suddenly be discovered. I can't say I'm complaining, but I can say it was a shock to see a comment on this blog yesterday when I rarely have them. And only from Nikky or the random stranger when I do. But yesterday, I was located by a friend. I had to reevaluate the purpose of this blog.

This space in the universe has been a place to disclose thoughts that don't always find their way into my regular speech. I may be honest, but I'm not always capable of saying the whole. Maybe I'm shy or maybe I'm vain. All I know is that I've been good at hiding much of my heart for most of my life. I think it comes from years of allowing part of my heart to lay uncovered on my sleeve like a badge of honor, but when I've done that I've always ended up with cuts.

There's a line in Death Cab for Cutie's song "Someday You Will Be Loved" that says, "Cause each broken heart will eventually mend as the blood runs red down the needle and thread someday you will be loved." I love that line. Maybe that's morbid, but morbid often sums it up. I often see hearts in this manner, as something cut, broken, bleeding...something in need of care, consideration, and mending.

I guess many times, this blog has become my heart's cry to heal. My secret place to look at the wounds I have received or the scars I sometimes trace with my fingers. There are many on this heart of mine. Young as I am, there is so much there. I find it amazing that this is just my one heart bearing these scars, and it makes me wonder...what do the scars of those I love look like? And the scars I sense the presence of, what stories do they tell?

So here I sit, listening to songs of love, loss, and life...questioning who I am and wanting to know so much more about those around me. Is there ever an end to the curiosity and wonder in my heart? Sometimes I wish there was, but I know the day I stop questioning and wanting to know...that's the day I'll have given up on life. May that day never come. This hunger was placed in my wandering heart for a purpose.

This blog is truly just sketches of my patchwork soul. Read them, enjoy them, but just please respect that this is my heart and depth you're looking into. And in this quiet space, you are seeing them without my many masks.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

A Writer Writes...Always

Favorite things of this very moment (7:51 pm CST):

  • Cheap Shasta root beer
  • Throw Mama From the Train ("A writer writes...always.")
  • Black hoodies
  • Silence (in a sense)
  • Rain
  • The name Jacob

Tonight, as I listen to the rain and my fingers typing on these silly keys...I wish I could say something profound. I find this mood strikes me fairly often. I miss the late night conversations with Zuni and Ben that use to inspire me to write those insane, but rather brilliant poems. I miss feeling things so deeply that everything in life could become an extension of the poetry flowing through my head and fingers.

Where did that beauty go? There was so much light and dark flitting about my head for so long.

I miss Zuni. Especially on nights like this. And then I think, man, I really should call Ben. But I don't. If I called, what would there be to say? Because what I miss is a period of time that can't be brought back. It's dead and gone.

And then I wonder, is that what happened to my poetry? To my stories? Did they die too? What happened to the magic that use to envelop my mind when darkness fell?

Maybe I have seen too much.

Then again, maybe I just need to reawaken my heart somehow. Just jump start it. But how does one do that? My heart is connected to anyone deeply. I don't have many extremes...other than being angry.

I'm angry a lot. I think it may be what's choking everything else out. Ugh. How do I change this? Guess it's just something to think and pray about. I'll figure it out.

*sigh* I am a whiner. Ha.

So...let's find the magic. And the night. All over again.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Try a Little Tenderness

Favorite Things of this Very Moment (12:55 pm CST):
  • (Jordan's new blog)
  • Having written a nice thank you to Kim at the coffee shop for being so kind
  • The golden autumn sunshine
  • Knowing that even though I'm going to walk to work, I won't have to walk home in the dark
  • That I haven't had to blow my nose much at all this morning
  • iTunes
  • Soundtracks from Wes Anderson movies
  • The sound of the heater coming on

Well, my angry young friend and I have restored our relationship. I'm not use to people like him, so it's going to be a challenge for me as we go along. On the upside, I think our relationship will grow and we will probably be good friends for many years.

Today I realized I'm rather envious of him in some ways. He's very bold in his faith. He doesn't show any doubt or cynicism. He doesn't hide what he is in any way. He believes what he believes and that's all there is to it.

How does he do that?

I'm not saying that I go around pretending that I'm not a Christian. I've just always been shy. I'm not good about saying anything contradictory. If you abuse the people I love, I will stand up for them. If you trash my beliefs or call me crazy, I won't run. I'll fight for my beliefs when they're threatened, but...

I'm just not very good about speaking up on a day to day basis when I'm not directly asked. This probably needs to change.

On the other hand, he's gotta learn some things too. In his case, he's gotta learn to use tenderness when he speaks to the woman he loves. He's only 19, and he's got time and room to grow. I have faith in his ability to be a real man of her dreams kinda guy, but he's still got a distance to cover before he finds he's there. He keeps upsetting the girl he loves because he's a great deal too blunt about things. He needs to remember she's a woman. She needs to be handled with care. Allowed the freedom to roam and have the feelings she has without him telling her differently. More love in his actions and in definitely in his words.

Like I said, he's got quite a distance to go, but I think that, given the proper encouragement, he'll figure it out.

In the meantime, I'm going to work on using a bit more tact and sweetness when I speak to him and to the other men in my life. We'll see where it gets me.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Versions of the Truth

This morning, for the first time in 3 or 4 days, I felt up to checking my email and catching up on things. Seemed like a fairly cheerful task. Especially as it makes me feel like I really am that much closer to being well.

One particular email stood out to me as interesting, a dear friend of mine who has been struggling with the girl he loves had emailed me. I saved it for last because I figured it would be the one I'd want to spend the most time on, then went ahead and responded to everything else.

Upon opening the email, I almost immediately felt as if I'd been slapped. I guess that makes us even. That's probably how he felt after getting my most recent letter. He'd been championing honesty, and so after a great deal of thought and a long discussion with my incredibly wise mother, I decided to be honest with him. I don't think this girl is ever going to change her mind.

Now, as a lover of romance, fairy tales, and beating the odds...his story is right up my alley, and I feel for him. Being in love with someone for 3 years while being their best friend is a tough position, especially when this person is fairly set in the idea that they never want to get married.

Maybe I'm just becoming too cynical, but I told him what I believed to be true.

Well...he thinks I'm being very unsupportive, and that God has given him this love. Maybe he's right. Mind you, I didn't realize he felt that God had given him a sign, so I don't feel I can be blamed for that.


I'm going to try to encourage him, and I'm going to pray that he's right. I'd like to have the faith that he has.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Favorite Things of This Very Moment (9:59 am CST):
  • Ugly Mug Vanilla Coffee (if you'd like to order any Ugly Mug products, let me know. Joel is selling them as a continuing project to raise money for camp.)
  • My Spiderman mug that was left at the house by Jeff a million years ago and very much became my own (kinda like the thermos)
  • Capt. Benjamin Franklin Pierce (he's...what I want. I love M*A*S*H. Sorry, Nik, I just can't help it...)
  • Monogamy & fidelity
  • Jay's idea for deer being made of jell-o from now on (I'm hoping for marshmallow myself)
  • Cream Cheese Muffin Puffs
  • Josh Deane's honesty and storytelling ability

May I make some suggestions? Well, hopefully I'm not being too forward, but I'm going to make suggestions anyway.

Mom and I were talking yesterday, and we discussed our mutual, time-tested belief that when you're miserable or stuck in a rut, what you need to do is help someone else. Few things will pull you out of yourself and your self-pity like helping and focusing on another person for good things.

I realize I am constantly promoting good-fairydom, but how else can a person survive in the cold of this world.

Everyone needs a little cheer. Donate some old clothes, collect some old clothes to donate, or even make some clothes to donate. Make cookies to share with someone (might just help you make friends with your neighbors or co-workers). Ask someone for their opinion on a good book or movie and then actually take their advice (it'll give you a chance to talk to them about something they enjoyed). Buy someone a coloring book and crayons when you know they're having a bad day. Few things in life can't be made a little brighter than a new box of crayons. Volunteer for some kind of service organization: a shelter, the Red Cross, Habitat for Humanity, etc. Help out with your church. Just spend time with your siblings. Write a handwritten letter. Mix cd's. Or maybe just give someone a genuine compliment. Do an extra chore.

It's about the little things. The tiny bits of cheer that you can bring to someone's day.

Just something to think about.