Saturday, January 12, 2013

Ungolden Silence

Wrapped up inside
of questions and the vague
outline of fears

It's probably nothing
I'm too young to die
but people have

I want to be scared
and honest
but it's hard to do

No one wants to talk
when they think
they might lose you

So this ungolden silence,
held tight in my chest,
it's the only sound

The echoing quiet
the rolling absence
the nothing of it all

How do you say I love you
when no one want to hear
because that could also mean goodbye?

I'm not trying to be pessimistic
I just want truth

What if's aren't always a luxury
sometimes they're just fact
which could be a doctor's next word

Just because I bring luck
doesn't mean
I get to keep it

I'm trying to hold out hope
with no one to hold on to
Or someone to say they hear me

Just hear me
Acknowledge that I'm scared
and that this is real

because I'm tired of standing in this quiet alone

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

This is the New Year, a New Beginning

I have given quite a bit of thought to New Year's Resolutions in the past week or so, and I have realized, once again, that I have much I still want to accomplish or enjoy.  As a result, I have come up with a new list of changes/new trials/ideas that I will be trying to implement this year.

For the Coming Year (in no particular order):

  • I will cut back on impulse buying.  I still have some medical bills to pay off, a move to consider, a new job to find, and a bigger life to start living.
  • I will try to cook more.  I do quite a bit of baking already, but I was given a pair of excellent cookbooks by my brother, David and his fantastic girlfriend, Kelsey for Christmas, and I'd like to actually make myself real meals.  I know this would be cheaper and healthier for me as well.  It's worth a try.
  • I will save money out of every paycheck.  I've been terrible about preparing for my future/saving, and it's time to really get that underway.  If I could get this going, I would actually have money put aside when the next storm comes.
  • I will try to lose 2 lbs or more each month of the coming year.  It may not sound like much, but it would be a lot easier to see to the end of that goal each month than to set a huge and crazy goal.  This I can do.
  • I will try and get the children's book I wrote this past year published.  And then I will write another.
  • I will pay off all the medical bills I have accrued this past year, and the few I will have before the end of January.  This is doable.  I just have to plan it out and make it happen.
  • I will start paying my father back.  I owe him money from when I was putting myself through school and had some insane car problems.  My goal for this over all is to pay him back completely by the time I am 30.  It's a few years away yet, I know I can make this happen.
  • I will practice the ukulele. I was given one for Christmas this year which is a life-long dream come true, and so I am determined that I truly will learn to play.
  • I will try harder to get along with my body. I have put my body through a lot this year, and it's done the same.  I would very much like for us to be on the same page and getting along finally.  I think after all these years, we both deserve a little compassion and to be better taken care of.
  • I will practice Radical Honesty on a more regular-esque basis.
  • I will give more toasts.  Because I can.
  • Do something nice for someone else every day.
These goals will not be very easy for me, but I do believe I can make them happen.  I also believe they will allow me to be a healthier, happier person in this new year.  I'd like to have a go at a better life.

I suppose I should also update my bucket list, so here goes:
  1. Love and be loved by a good man.
  2. Finish reading all partially read books.
  3. Send someone a telegram via
  4. Give more away.
  5. Visit the ocean.
  6. Make Eric Callaway his long ago promised Green blanket.
  7. Write a long letter to the pope.
  8. Buy a sarong.
  9. Figure out what to do with the video camera.
  10. Pay back my father.
  11. Write my own obituary.
  12. Wine and dine someone who deserves it.
  13. Have a completed emergency fund.
  14. Watch all of my RiffTrax at least once.
  15. Become financially independent.
  16. Learn to make hats.
  17. Be me. And love being me.