Wednesday, February 24, 2010

God's Voice

(My favorite picture of the beautiful and wonderful Heather Hermann. Jeff took this at his Sr. Prom)

Favorite things of this very moment (2:40 pm CST):
  • Bowling for Soup singing "Life After Lisa"
  • Large pink glasses of water full of ice
  • Sunshine on the snow, sunshine in general
  • Feeling clean

Yesterday I spent some time with Heather. It was great. She got to play with Amelia, we went to dinner and then we hung out and watched a couple of movies. It was a real relaxed and hilariously silly evening, as always. She said something yesterday before we left for dinner though that's been knocking around in my head ever since. She said she's taking this Lent to clear out everyone else's voices so she can hear God's voice telling her what He wants her to do next.

Heather is graduating with her Bachelor's in just under 3 months, and she doesn't have a clue what she wants to do next. She's thinking about applying to the Peace Corp or possibly even the Coast Guard or maybe just trying to find a job. She doesn't know. I know how she feels. I know she's frustrated with people constantly giving her suggestions and for her heart to be constantly tugging her in different directions. It's rough.

She's been talking to a friend of ours who is studying to become a priest (he's getting ordained in just under 3 months as well), and he suggested her taking Lent to try her hardest to listen to God. I think that's a brilliant suggestion. A little over a month to clear everything else away and just listen. I hope it works for her. More importantly, I'm honestly considering doing the same thing.

I know one of my major failings anymore is my inability to make myself hold still. I seem to really struggle with the idea of taking and making time for God. When this started, I'm not entirely sure, but I know I've been struggling ever since. Maybe I'll take this time leading up to Easter, this Lent, and I'll truly take the time to work back to where I should be.

Thank you, Heather. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you, God.

Let's see what happens.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010


Favorite things of this very moment (4:23 pm CST):

  • White Citrus hand lotion from Bath & Body Works (thanks Nikky!)
  • G-Dragon's "Heartbreaker" album
  • Catching up with Dustin and Jordan
  • Poetry
  • Purple tulips (the above picture is of the tulips that are currently sitting on our dining room table, aren't they lovely?)
  • And the following quote: "I know I may never see you again, but we are intrepid. We carry on." - Kirsten Dunst, "Elizabethtown"

Today has been quiet. I've done virtually nothing outside of dishes and baking gingerbread cookies. I mean, nothing that my family will see as helpful. I've also written a bunch of letters and made copies of some poems for a friend, and I took a bunch of pictures. It hasn't been a bad day, just a day.

I realized today that I really am not much of a match for my tall friend. Honestly, I'd make him so miserable if we ever dated. I see things so differently from his own vision, but I am glad that he isn't totally upset with me. He's taking my advice seriously, and I really hope that things work out for the best for him. Good men are hard to find.

And now, a poem by the impossibly talented and legendary, Jacob Zuniga:

Half Heart

We’re all born with half a heart
Half a mind and half a soul
Given the gift of everlasting eternity
With that special person
All our lives we search
A voyage, a quest
A journey to find true love
So very much that it is lost
Amidst other ideas and hopes
We forget to search
Forget to look for love
And we spend eternity lonely
And we never see we are only half a person
I will not stop, I will not wait
My search for love goes on
For in my mind lies half a soul
That yearns for a companion
And I will not meet death’s icy grip
With half a broken heart.

All that You Never See

I'm not seeing the point anymore
I let you go
You call my name and question my next move
but I'm turning away and heading home
It's almost as if all the color is running out
of the painting of my life
and there's nothing left to do
How can I stop it?

I tell you the truth
and you call me guilty
Maybe I am
The gossip floats past me too
I probably encouraged it
All I want is for you to show your hand
I can't wait in the dark while you create your strategy

Do you want her?
Don't you?
I just feel like the coward in us
shows far more quickly than it should
And though you're not the only cowardly lion in this room
You're the only one the spotlight turns too

I'm walking off this stage
The curtain won't come down though
because this play is never done
You'll never know I'm gone
because I was always just a bit part in your play
A secondary character that makes their exit
at the end of the second act
and never looks back

You won't miss my voice in a week or two
there's always some new distraction
far, far prettier than me
Her long blond hair will be found on your coat
and you'll write your songs about her

And I'll try not to feel guilty
because you always make me feel like I'm in the wrong
but all I ever wanted was to keep your heart from breaking
because mine's broken enough for two

But you never saw me like I saw you

Monday, February 1, 2010

I've Tied My Hands

Favorite things of this very moment (11:21 am CST):
  • Chad Vaccarino and his lovely voice
  • Nikky's lovely mixes...she's a genius with music in English and Korean
  • Heat
  • Hearing the dryer running downstairs
  • Knowing I have gingerbread cookies I could be making
  • Being honest with myself and with the people I love
  • Proving myself wrong in a good way
  • Time

This morning I gave a friend of mine some advice. He hadn't asked, but I was watching him deal with a girl I'm pretty sure he's liked for longer than he'll admit, and it drove me nuts. I am a woman of action. I do not do well holding still, and watching him spend most of his weekend with this girl constantly with him made me wonder what he was really going to do.

He and I have talked about it a time or two before, but he doesn't seem to believe in long distance relationships. He feels like they can't work, and I find this hilarious. Yes, long distance relationships are hard. Yes, they are a constant struggle to maintain, but if you actually want to be with someone, aren't the good ones worth the fight?

This morning I told him he needs to do something. Take some kind of action. Either he needs to tell his girl what's really on his hard and take a leap of faith, or he needs to leave her alone.

I may not be an expert on love, but I'm pretty sure she really likes him too. I don't think she would have traveled 800 or so miles to come to a retreat by herself if she hadn't wanted to see him. Yes, she had other friends that came to the retreat we were all at, but honestly, she seemed to have eyes only for him. I know the look. I use to have the same one when he was around, so I'm not just throwing out ideas for no reason.

If he cares for her at all, even just as a friend, he'll do something. He'll either tell her that he's frightened, but he wants to try, or he'll tell her that they can't be together because he can't handle the distance and let her mend. Otherwise, he's just going to keep tearing her open again, and even if she's not my favorite person (which, sadly, she's not), no one deserves to feel like a yo-yo in someone else's hands.

I've said my piece. Either way, in a sense, this ties my hands. And I'm glad.