There's nothing quite so soul-emptying as trying to convey something to someone else and having them suddenly realize the version of you they have always thought was you is, in fact, only a hidden door which you just opened up and now suddenly they find themselves faced with part of you that makes them wonder if, perhaps, you're actually a little crazy.
Yes. I am crazy. At least a little. I tend to get fixated on an idea or concept that fascinates me and need to talk to someone about it. I just need someone I trust to bring up weird stuff with and have them actually respond somehow.
Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Do you have any idea how many texts, emails, letters, notes I will never send? Do you have any idea how hard it is to be locked up inside yourself because you are pretty sure that if people really knew who you were or what interested you or lit you up or confused you that they would think you're joking or crazy or maybe they'd decide they didn't want to know you?
You probably do. Because, if we're being honest, we're all pretty good at hiding who we are or what we think or feel depending on what we want people to think of us. It's tiring isn't it?
I just want to sleep.
Favorite things of this very moment (8:48 PM CST):
- "So At Last" by Butch Walker
- A Natural History of Love by Diane Ackerman (I also kinda hate this book)
- Knowing tomorrow will actually start the hiring process for Pinecrest and that I should, barring incident, have a real job soon
- My fan
- Unsweetened ice tea in an old QT cup (nice to have bits from all my homes and travels in one place)
- The feeling of success from making eggplant Parmesan for the first time ever this evening