This summer has been unusual. To be real honest, I'm extremely grateful it's finally coming to a close. I got quite a bit of traveling in, saw first hand what the benefit of having a grief counselor at camp is, brought home a new kitten, junked my car, resigned from my dream job, and moved back in with my parents. I've developed new scars on my ankles, feet, and hands; given away about a third of what I own; and finally started reading the copy of Catch-22 that my brother gave me; and I've tried to be more honest with people about my feelings. I've read more books and watched less NetFlix. I got to spend some time playing with my nieces and nephews (though there's never enough time) and learned to write cover letters. I toyed with recipes, hung out with friends, continued a long-standing word game, and even vacuumed behind my bed. It's been a different kind of summer.
The past couple of weeks I've felt like I was losing hope, and I've been spending more time awake worrying and overthinking than I'd like to admit. There's nothing better than trying to do math at 4 in the morning because you're trying to figure out what you have left in your account and if you're going to be able to make it till you find a new job or (which should just happen) someone finally pays you what they owe you for work you did earlier in the summer/spring.
But God shows up. In my depression and doubt, I've been struggling to pray because I just didn't feel like I had anything to say that would be any different than anything I've said before. I've dealt with depression before, but usually I find comfort drawing closer to God. This time I just felt like I was in O'Hare where they keep moving my gate and delaying my flight with no end in sight. Thankfully, even though I've been feeling like everything is pointless and my life is starting to crumble about the edges, my friends and family stepped up. Someone was always there to remind me that they loved me and had my back, and just as important, they were praying for me. My friends, my family, my church...they kept praying. They kept reminding me that someone good was on it's way.
Today, after getting stung by a bee, bit by a beetle, not being able to find job postings, and being told there was no longer a job opening at one of the places I was trying to apply to, I finally got a call back about a position that I really was hoping for. I go in this coming Wednesday to go over the details of the offer and start the hiring process. I could not be more grateful for this opportunity. It's going to make me have to learn to flip my sleep schedule completely since I will be going to work extremely early in the morning, but I will be able to walk the 3 blocks to work from my house and by November I will have real health insurance. This answers so many prayers and I am so grateful.
God showed up. I need to start remembering that just because I don't think it's possible or am feeling like things are a lost cause, I am not the final say. God can make it happen, and He's not going to abandon me when I need him most. He will show up and He will come through for me. I hope you can see that too and find your own popcorn jellybeans.
ps. Favorite Things of This Very Moment (1:45 AM CST):
- John Mayer
- The Cat Who book series
- My Hawaiian Breeze fan
- The fact that the temperature seems to be dropping
- Knowing I get to go to Rockford with my family in the morning
- Major League (the movie)
- Handheld Tetris
- My large and wonderful hospital water bottle that keeps things cold for ages and ages
- That I'm actually tired and should be able to fall asleep pretty close to instantly after I get off this thing