Sunday, November 3, 2013

When Stupid Books Open Wounds You Didn't Know You Had at 3 AM

Here it is the middle of the night, & I am up reading a book I would never mention in public only to find myself crying because I suddenly feel so alone. I find myself wondering if a perfect waist & the right clothes are necessary in order for me to not find myself waking up alone for the rest of my life. In order to be loved by someone beautiful you must be someone beautiful, right?

Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm shy (which is totally true) or because I made a promise to myself that I would stop being the pursuer & trust that a good man would pursue me. 

Whatever the case, I am alone. I'm unsure of how many more months & years of this I can handle. I feel exposed & unprotected. I spend so much time trying not to be a burden, trying not to impose, trying not to have needs. If I am strong for myself than I can be easy to be around, right?

But that doesn't work. Maybe if I just told people who I felt or asked to be a priority, I wouldn't be a secondary character in my own story. But I'm afraid I'll be too much or that people will reject me. I know I have this demeanor that paints me as alright being always in the background, but it would be nice for just one person to notice. 

In a week, everything will change. A new home, a new job, an illogical leap of faith & new people to meet. Here's hoping that I'll find the courage to be honest about my heart instead of pretending it's not the tenuously fragile & lonely creature it is. Maybe this marks one less night of falling asleep wondering if I'm walking into a quiet future. 

Lord, give me strength. 

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