Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. Maybe it's because I'm shy (which is totally true) or because I made a promise to myself that I would stop being the pursuer & trust that a good man would pursue me.
Whatever the case, I am alone. I'm unsure of how many more months & years of this I can handle. I feel exposed & unprotected. I spend so much time trying not to be a burden, trying not to impose, trying not to have needs. If I am strong for myself than I can be easy to be around, right?
But that doesn't work. Maybe if I just told people who I felt or asked to be a priority, I wouldn't be a secondary character in my own story. But I'm afraid I'll be too much or that people will reject me. I know I have this demeanor that paints me as alright being always in the background, but it would be nice for just one person to notice.
In a week, everything will change. A new home, a new job, an illogical leap of faith & new people to meet. Here's hoping that I'll find the courage to be honest about my heart instead of pretending it's not the tenuously fragile & lonely creature it is. Maybe this marks one less night of falling asleep wondering if I'm walking into a quiet future.
Lord, give me strength.