Thursday, June 23, 2016

When Do I Give Up?

When do I give up?

It is late.  I should go to sleep.  I need to be up in about 6 hours.

I spent some solid time adulting today.  I balanced my checkbook.  I did laundry and dishes.  I sorted papers and got some stuff recycled.  I called a friend.  I did my homework for work.  I packed up my work bag for tomorrow.  I read quite a bit for the adult summer reading program.  I caught up on my Bible reading plans.  I ate some fruit.

But you know what, I don't know if any of that really makes me feel better.  Everything feels eerily quiet.  I have no doubt it is my own doing.  I have a bad habit of kind of shutting myself off from people at some point and not remembering the way back.

It's funny because I'm the person who will buy bobby pins and extra make up wipes to share with everyone in a show or pack baby wipes and extra mints and hand sanitizer because I know everyone will want them at camp, and I like doing this.  It makes me happy to make the people around me breathe easier even if they don't seem to realize why.  Normally I don't mind the quiet of no one noticing, but it would be nice if just one person did.

I am tired.  I am tired in the Dean Winchester sense of the word tired.  I am tired to my bones and carrying some sadness in them because I live too far away from the people I'm truly close to, and I have improbable luck with the good friends I have here.  Of course, that's probably my own fault as well.

Right now, even while typing this, I am composing a to do list in my head of all the things I need to do better at so that I can feel human again.  It's a list of places I feel I'm failing and all the things I'm so sure will cure these issues.  Tomorrow I'll wake up too early for my personal happiness and go to a job that feels fairly thankless and try to remind myself that I'm less than 2 weeks from my trip to Ohio.  Nothing else should matter.  I just need to survive till then.

Plus, tomorrow is another day, right?

Favorite things of this very moment (10:17pm CST):

  • Having ordered my latest t-shirt from Represent for Jared Padalecki's AKF campaign benefiting the Orlando victims (at least I can do something to help, even if it's not nearly enough)
  • Fans
  • My black bermuda shorts (even if it still seems weird to be wearing them...such weird pale legs)
  • The adult summer reading program at the Mt. Morris Public Library
  • Agnes & the Hitman
  • My paycheck (not huge, but it's something)
  • Calle's advice on boys
  • Polite, if somewhat heartbreaking, response back from adorable boy I thought might be a good thing (apparently not, but he was kind)
  • Having the aggravation known as Care to Learn's done on time
  • Cool night air which should mean I sleep tonight 

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