Wednesday, June 22, 2016

This is How You Lose Her

Quite a few years back, I had this great guy best friend. He was kind and smart and funny. He helped me grow into a better version of myself and challenged my views on everything. The best thing about him though was the fact that he was always able to have hope for me when I couldn't muster the belief. If my hope was failing, he would believe got me, and I was able to regain my footing and move forward knowing that as long as he believed, it would come true. 

My earliest memory of myself is me holding an elaborate wedding between two of my favorite stuffed animals. I was probably 3. I have always loved weddings. I have always loved love. From the beginning of my memories, I have always wanted to get married. I have from early on always wanted marriage and my own family. This is a core component to my life and story and dreams. It is a part of every wish and hope I have ever had. Some days holding onto the hope that my future can or will ever hold a relationship with a best friend I could keep feels impossible. 

I tell you this because I remember a particularly hard trip. It was a great trip for the most part, but the man I had thought I would get to love for the rest of my life had chosen someone else and I felt broken. I text my best guy friend and I said, "I don't care if it's a total lie and you don't believe it at all, but I need you to tell me that someday I will find a great guy and fall in love and get married and I'll get to have little ones of my own." He responded immediately and told me that I absolutely would find love and have a family of my own. He told me it wasn't a lie, and that he fully believed it would happen. That gave me the strength I needed to move forward and believe. I still was broken-hearted, but I knew he believed so I did too. 

Fast forward just a couple years. He is dating a girl that I know he's going to marry. His life is coming together nicely. He's got a job he loves and he just bought his house not long before. A total adult. My life is going through its typical bizarre circus juggling act while I walk a high wire, and I find myself turning to my friend for some comforting words. I tell him once again that I need him to tell me that I'll find the right guy some day and fall in love and get married and have little ones even if he knows it's a lie. How does my best guy friend of many years respond?

He tells me he doesn't know. Hopefully things will work out. 

And that, dear friends, is when you realize that somewhere along the line your best friend has checked out on you and they're not coming back. Needless to say, he and I are no longer close. He married the girl I knew he would and they seem happy. I, on the other hand, could use a guy in my life that believes in my dreams when I can't because I'm too tired to carry them anymore. I miss it. 

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