Wednesday, March 2, 2016

I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself

But God,

What am I doing? I know you're with me, but the silence has become unbearable. I know I'm failing to be the woman you would have me be. I'm struggling to stand on my own two feet these days. 

I feel like my entire being is at war with itself. Part of me keeps screaming that I've been left here in the desert alone. It tells me you're not with me. That I've run too far from your light. That you're ashamed of me. 

But then part of me keeps saying that you love me, but that I'm a screw up and until I get my act together that you'll be silent and distant. Why would you speak to me when I'm being a disobedient child?

What about David? 

What about David, Lord? David was just as much of a mess as me. His hormones got in the way and he committed adultery and murder yet you still spoke to him and loved him. You still used him to lead your people and he's known as "the man after God's own heart." And what about Moses? He was a murderer and a coward, but you used him. Or Elijah? He was a depressed whiner, but you comforted him and set him back on his path. 

Lord, I know you are there. I know you hold my future in your hands, and I know you love me. I am just such a mess. My heart feels like it's a jigsaw puzzle somebody keeps putting together wrong. 

I want to be brave. I keep trying to step out so that something might change because I'm tired of waiting around. But I wonder if that's the I pushing on an automatic door?

Help me, Lord. I'm tired of looking at myself and not liking what I see. 


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