Saturday, January 16, 2010

Standing Still or Chasing Windmills: Does It Really Matter?

Sometimes the ache is so bad I can’t move
And it will present itself in the weird creak in my spine
Or the catch in my ribs where it feels like my insides are tearing apart
Usually it’s in these moments that I realize, it’s just my heart

Nothing truly breaking,
At least not in the physical sense…

And tonight it finally hit me,
The reason behind the fact I’ve never finished reading your book
Or finished reading all your beautiful poems
It’s because of this:
If I finish them…
I finish you

Maybe that’s just silly
And that’s not the way it really is
But when I sit and read your words
I hear your laughter and your tears
It’s like you’re still here

And I worry…
Will this last?
If I finally complete my reading list
Will I still hear you?
Or will you finally be gone?

I’m savoring.
The laptop and sweatshirt are gone from this life
They followed after you
There’s a baseball cap from Seattle in my glove box
Which no one really understands
And there’s a full folder on my computer of pointless email surveys I once took
With all my original answers
Because they all talk about you in present tense

Present tense doesn’t seem to exist anymore
At least not during long nights
Or when I find myself drawn inexplicably to the poetry I never finished reading
When I think of where I can find true words
Words of love and longing
Of the void and ache of heartbreak
Or the perfection of true love
When I need a laugh that rings true through all years and times
(and maybe even dimensions and space)
I search you out

Or the echoes of you.
These quiet shadows your laughter
And the few pictures that I have
Is it pathetic that it still drives me crazy that I don’t have a single picture
Of the two of us?
I guess it really doesn’t matter
I still knew you best
And what could be better than that?

To know someone’s favorite movie
And have a collection of mixes specifically from them
To know one person really understood
Because you really did
I can still say you knew me better than anyone else ever has
And I wish…

Well, mostly,
I wish you were still here

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