Monday, January 5, 2009

What Can I Hope For?

Favorite things of this very moment (12:02 am CST):
  • Channing Tatum
  • "Step Up" on DVD
    "Down with Love" on DVD
  • Ewan McGregor
  • Organic Blood Orange & Mandarin by Presse Belvoir Fruit Farms
  • Talking to Nikky on AIM
  • Accents
  • David Hyde Pierce
  • Dance movies
  • My laptop
  • Housesitting
  • Dakota & the cats
  • Unsweetened Ice Tea
  • A man in glasses (there' s just something so endearing)
  • Children's movies with wonderful inspirational messages ("Keep moving forward," "See a need fill a need," etc.)
I slammed my shin into the recliner earlier. I have serious talent. Good grief.

"Down with Love" has the WORST innuendo ever. It's amazingly awful. Lovely at the same time.

Alright, let's call this post to order. The real reason I am posting is because I am currently housesitting and very much on my own. I'm feeling a little confused by everything:

-Where do I go next?
-How do I really feel?
-What do I want out of life?
-What do I hope for?

The lack of hope is what I really want to change. As strange or silly or sad as it may sound, as I was watching "Step Up" the other day for the first time I realized what my problem was: I have no hope for myself.

Let me better elaborate. I have hope in Jesus Christ for my salvation. I know I am loved by God and that I will be in the Kingdom of God when Jesus returns. In this manner I have a more glorious hope than I can explain, but there's still something off.

My problem is that I don't believe in myself. I have no hope that I can change. I have no hope in a future because there's nothing that I can find to want badly enough to fight for. All the passion and inspiration I talk about and admire is something that I still haven't found in my own life.

I thought I had. That I'd found someone I wanted enough to fight for, but just after Thanksgiving, that dream broke apart. When the person you love asks you your opinion on another girl...that kind of shatters your heart. Especially when you're already having trouble figuring out what you can bring to a relationship to begin with.

Am I making sense yet?

It's probably for the best that I didn't get the guy. He doesn't see me. In a large way I am invisible to him, and as I can't figure out what I'm bringing to a relationship or feel like I'm truly deserving of all of this, it really is probably for the best.

I want to believe that I am good enough. God loves me and sees me as his beautiful creation, why can't I see myself that way?

This year, I'd like to work towards seeing myself as God sees me: as someone beautiful and growing.

I am:
  • good at making desserts
  • hilarious
  • a good judge of tasty juices
  • not much of a drinker
  • a maker of tea
  • a child at heart
  • a lover of movies
  • a writer of poetry
  • a dreamer
  • a wisher
  • a hoper
  • a prayer (can you tell that I'm stealing Shel Silverstein lines?)
  • good at encouraging others
  • a maker of blankets and scarves
  • thoughtful
And I am also tired.

Let's find our true selves. Let's dream dreams, wish wishes, and learn to see all that we can achieve and hope for. Let's risk and win.

Let's change, and maybe do some dancing along the way.

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