Sunday, September 1, 2013

(4) Miss Me

I am tired of people
telling me
that they're sure you miss
You were his best friend
He always told you things
You cut him off, remember?

Of course, I remember
I remember everything

I know I cut my ties,
but in my defense,
You cut ties first

Once you were my oasis
in a desert
then one day I woke up
dying of thirst
realizing my eyes had
fooled me
You were too good to be true
a mirage in desperate heat

Still I searched

You remember, I hope,
that postcard
of the flying car
that you saw & knew
I'd love
(you always knew
how to make me smile)

It came in the mail
without warning
we hadn't spoken in
(not since that proposal--
no one warned me
that was in her cards
not mine)
Then the flying car

Your words were clear
as day
but muddled every
You missed me
You wanted to have one of our long talks
You missed me. 
You. missed. me. 


There on a postcard
Plain for every postal worker
who carried it between us
to see

You missed me. 

When you saw me next 
(with her in your stead)
I had barricaded my heart
You hugged me close
told me you were glad
to see me
You'd missed me

I smiled
and tried to keep
the strangled scream
of broken heart &
broken dreams
out of my eyes

We never had the talk
you claimed you wanted
I nearly pulled her out of the house
When she crashed the wrong party
the steady hand of drunks kept me at bay

Do you have any idea
how much the weight
of regret feels on
a heart that never
was brave enough
to speak the whole
of truth?

You asked me once
if I thought you were doing the right thing
Of all the people to ask
You trusted me

And I failed. 

This was wrong
it was going to hurt you

But I stayed my tongue & heart
told you only half

Never once did I give you the truth:
I love you.

Time & distance & walls
marriage & age & life
All the bricks I wish I could
tear down
But it won't change this

You're gone
& I can't believe there's 
even a second
where those words could be true...
that you 

1 comment:

hnh said...

Oh my dear. Keep writing your poetry. Keep going with the cathartic feelings. Love you!