Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Your Eyes

Sometimes I like to look deep into his eyes for minutes at a time. Sadly these eyes aren’t really looking back at me like I so often wish they were, but rather, staring out of a picture into a void where I am not. They simply stare into the lens of the camera…but on nights like this, it’s enough to fool me.
He has beautiful eyes, this boy. I should call him a man, but we’re still so young. In fact, he once told me he hoped he never really was looked at as completely grown up. He felt it was important to stay young. I agree with him, our innocence, ideals, and love should never grow old, but I can’t say I always want to be seen as a child. Not, of course, that this was what he meant, but…
Like I said, he has beautiful eyes. They are laughing eyes. The kind of eyes that always seem so kind and gentle and full of mirth. It overflows into his smile. I’m glad his eyes have this expression to them. It makes him so much more approachable and wonderful. Some people have beautiful smiles that never reach into their eyes and it’s this silence, this complete lack of emotion that makes them seem dead. As if part of their soul was missing. People with eyes like that terrify me, but not him…no, he has beautiful eyes.
It’s like that Peter Gabrielle song, Your Eyes:

Love, I get so lost sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand façade so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway
In your eyes
to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired, working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you, to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand façade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorways to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution
In your eyes
of all the fruitless searches
Oh, I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes
In your eyes in your eyes

I get so lost in his eyes. They fascinate me. I get so lost in them. In their possibilities. I look forward to every moment I know I will spend with him whether he is that excited or not. His energy and joy and laughter, they renew me. Knowing I will see him soon drives me toward my goals.
He is the “resolution to all the fruitless searches.” He could be the One. The One. This possibility scares the living daylights out of me, but I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my own longing for it to be true. I want it to be him. So badly. I want him to be the resolution. The answer to my lonely nights and days.

But in a moment, this is all gone. No matter how long or how hard I look into your eyes, it doesn’t change the fact that that your beautiful eyes aren’t looking into mine. They never really knew me at the time the picture was taken. The picture was taken before I was part of your life, and as much I’d like believe, new pictures don’t see me any clearer.
I look into your eyes and realize that there is nothing there to mirror this desire. Instead, there’s a hunger and I know you’re still searching. And I remember that this is not mine to choose. I’m waiting, and the real question is…will I ever get to look into your eyes and see the love I have reflected back to me?

But those eyes…

1 comment:

nikkyrowell said...

Wow, this was a really beautiful entry...
HAHAHAHA! Sorry...I mean, its great, but I couldnt get over the fact that you quoted a whole Peter Gabriel Song in the middle of it...hahahaha...sorry. I suck at life. I know its serious. hehe...
Anyways, yes, beautiful, top notch, classy. I like it alot.