Thursday, November 29, 2007

After the Fall (The Best of Intentions)

Favorite things of this very moment (4:06 pm):
  • Italian Sparkling Blood Orange Soda from World Market
  • Terrence's quest for good male friends in this area
  • Chocolate Mint Big Train Coffee Drinks (hot with whipped cream is best)
  • That I will be done with first semester in 2 weeks
  • That I work tomorrow (I NEED the money)
  • Having the occasional brilliant idea
  • A Year in the World by Frances Mayes
  • Seeing I have a new voicemail message from Nikky (which I will listen to as soon as I leave work)
  • Christmas decorations
  • The pleasant and reoccurring daydream where I run around popping those ridiculous blow up Christmas bears and Santas and Reindeer, etc. that people have in their front lawns and then all of The Village holding a parade in my honor because we are finally free from the torment of these commercialized Christmas impostor decorations...bwahaha...*cough*

I was typing an email earlier and realized there was something more to be said. I fall a lot. I don't mean in the physical sense (though I do a lot of that too...I'm clumsy, it happens), but in the sense of my goals. I have all these great plans, goals, and projects, but I never finish them.

I cannot seem to finish projects. The first example of this that always comes to mind is the checker board. My parents were given a checkers set from my Grandma Cheatwood when they got married. She made it herself. The pieces are little hearts and it's completely adorable and checkers were my favorite game for years and years because of this set. (what a poorly constructed sentence, I apologize) My Grandma gave me the pattern so that I could make my own set when I was probably 11. I had every intention of making my own set so that I could keep it forever and have it when I eventually moved out (yes, this was my thought process at 11), and I started it and worked and worked and worked, and eventually...I got bored. I was distracted and frustrated by the amount of time and energy that was needed to complete this simple project. I gave up. A few years later, I learned to cross-stitch. I got a really cute pattern and I intended to finish it so I could frame it and give it to my mother. I worked and worked and worked and eventually, you guessed it, got bored. I was frustrated with the fact I kept making mistakes, but instead of rectifying these mistakes and correcting them, I just gave up.

There are numerous other examples of me doing this. Books I've started writing, cds I've started mixing, piano, guitar, papers, essays, books I'm trying to read, poems, blankets, classes, friendships, keeping my check book balanced, friendships, jobs, etc.

When the going gets tough, as the saying goes, the tough get going. The only problem with this is, they don't say where. I get going, but it has a tendency to be in the wrong direction. Instead of sticking it out and accomplishing something more, I run. I hate the act of running, but I'm real good at doing this in every day situations. If I could change anything about myself, that would be it. I want to be more focused. To be able to stick with one thing till it is accomplished and not let things keep me from accomplishing my goal, even when it gets frustrating or tough.

Again, my questions all come swirling back in a cloud of discontent, and they whisper to me one word: how?

How do I go about accomplishing my goals? How do I learn to change? Or will this, as so many other things before it, become one of the goals I give up in the face of adversity?


I want to change.

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