Friday, October 19, 2007

Nightmare

Favorite things of this very moment (10:31 am):
  • http://www.necroticobsession.com/gothname.html (It's a Goth name generator...haha. And mine is HORRIBLE!)
  • Being awake
  • Apple Fizz
  • Candy Corn (and in my favorite tiny Tupper Ware container)
  • Books (preferably good ones)
  • Friday (as a weekly occurrence, thank goodness)

I had a nightmare last night. You have to understand, I don't have nightmares. Well, I do, but they are a rare occurrence at this stage in my life, and now they are not always the kind where the bad guy is about to get you...sometimes I wish they were.

It was hard to wake up this morning. I woke up with this horrible feeling that someone was about to give me the worst news of my life, but I shook it off. All I could remember at that point was that I had had this dream where Kayla, Jay and I were talking about going to see Kimmie preach when she comes home in a little over a week. That dream wasn't bad. Jay had said he wanted to come with us even.

And that's when I remembered..."new friend Jenny." In my dream, I had this horrible sense of despair. He showed up at church one Sunday, and there was this absolutely beautiful girl. Perfect looking, long dark hair, she looked like a cross between Jen Welty and Aric's new girlfriend. I knew exactly who she was: NEW FRIEND JENNY. *sigh* As it was during church, it wasn't as if I could run off and cry. It brought back all these horrible memories of Jeff breaking up with me right before church. And weirder than that, in this dream, Jeff showed up. He was at church. I didn't expect it at all, and neither did anyone else apparently. I ran over and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. He did that whole cheesy spin-the-girl-around thing you see in movies when long lost friends/brothers/boyfriends/husbands return and they spin you around. Yeah...and I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry because Jeff was there, but I knew things still weren't the same, he hadn't changed, he was just lonely and new I'd be around, I wanted to cry because the tall blond musician had found someone else, someone so much more perfect than I could ever be, that he had confirmed all my fears, and that I wasn't worth fighting for at all...just like Aric did (I mean, come on, if he had cared, he would have said something!), and I couldn't cry because I needed to be upfront to sing. *sigh*

I thought about this dream while I was getting ready this morning. I was more frightened that maybe it wasn't completely a dream. Sometimes my dreams show me something I haven't been able to put together before, or they confirm and idea, or it's just God's way of saying, "Look kid...here's the deal..."

What if it is? What if the despair was real and this has been a waste of my time? All this waiting and waiting and waiting...what if this is God's gentle way of telling me that I'm about to get my heartbroken again? What if "new friend Jenny" is real? I mean, I know she's actually a person, but what if she's winning his heart. What if all of this has been in vain?

I sound like Riley Armstrong's song "What If." Such a good song. I may have to make myself a mix. Something that will try to help me convince myself this is all in my head and that it's going to work out somehow. Or at least that my nightmare won't come true...

1 comment:

nikkyrowell said...

Hey. That is an awful dream. Im not quite sure what to make of it. I cant ever decide whether I take too much meaning from dreams or not enough. They're tricky I think.
I had one kinda like that..I mean, in the awful sense, last night. Well, you see, it was at North Hills, and Dustin asked me to marry him--and--I said yes in my dream and kept telling myself that I loved him, but everytime I thought about it or looked at him, it just felt wrong and wierd. Well, time moved fast in my dream, and I was rushing around getting ready for the wedding that was at north hills, which is not what I want, I kept saying--no this is fine, I love him, this wedding is fine--but it didnt feel right, and nothing about it was what I wanted. So Im all dressed and everything is set, and Im walking down the isle toward him, feeling like Im going to vomit...then all of a sudden all these other brides showed up--these gorgeous, thin blondes--all walking ahead of me down the isle...no one else seemed to notice or think it was odd. So, I let them all walk up, and I sat down in one of the chairs by the isle. And who was sitting next to me when I looked over? Graysen. I told him that this didnt feel right. That I didnt love Dustin, that I wanted to get married on the beach...nothing about it felt right. And he smiled and grabbed my hand and said, well, lets leave then. Lets go somewhere else. Then I woke up.

Yeah. I have no idea where that one came from.

Im sorry about new friend jenny. I know how you feel on that one.

I will call you soon. My lisp is improving slightly. :)