Monday, December 6, 2010

Is Anybody Listening?

(An old picture of some of the first crocuses blooming in my front much hope in crocuses)

An odd place for a note. A wonder for the taking.

My nonsense is coming through tonight. Right now I'm requestioning my hopes, dreams and fears. I mean, who really fears talking toys & robots even if they did read a lot of Isaac Asimov as a kid and mistakenly watched "Gremlins" at 4? It's silly.

And who dreams about someone they're not sure they've met? I had another one of those last night. We were running. We were together running. Not sure what we were running from, but I know I wasn't scared. He was there. What was there to be scared of?

So much hope though. Always hope. I've learned to pull hope out of anything. Perhaps this will come back to bite me. Because my heart ties up in the chords of guitars and beats out its own rhythm. Will this serve me well or darken everything?

Before I die I would like to learn to surf, play guitar, and speak Italian. I'd like to go with Jordan to see "Hadestown" because every single one of the songs is beautiful and somehow manage to touch my heart. Music tends to get inside of me and rattle everything.

I've been talking to new and old friends a great deal lately. Both show me new things and I'm grateful. They've showed me so many beautiful things and helped me see how lucky I really am. ( Maybe I really do have the luck of Elizabeth Bennett after all, Uncle Tony...) I've also learned about a million things in the past few weeks, most of which aren't really things that the average person will ever be able to use in every day life. For instance, I learned about the reproduction systems of birds. I don't plan on studying birds, but now I know how that works thanks to a weird game of late night Bananagrams with Amber and some Internet searches. Dovesex is also not a word.

Amber's status notebook may not be growing so quickly any more, but maybe that's for the best. Sometimes we say crazy things and our future children would blush knowing their parents were this nonsensical.

My mom recently asked me if part of my current issue was due to the fact that I'm constantly surrounded by couples. It was a legitimate question, and I couldn't deny that this could be affecting my over all thought process. Who doesn't want to be loved? But I don't think that changes the way I am feeling. Just because I'm surrounded by couples doesn't mean that it's greatly changed the way I view things. It really doesn't. I have always been a hopeless romantic, and this is hard to change or amplify. Perhaps it will be amplified when there's a place to let go of all this sweetness and light. Conceited as it may sound...won't he be lucky?

I'll wish tonight on all the twinkling Christmas lights and the few stars visible in the shining cold for the dreams and hopes and fears to work themselves out. Sing myself to sleep with Anais Mitchell's "We Build the Walls" or "Flowers" and maybe have some new dreams myself.

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