Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I don’t know who or what I’m writing this to tonight, but here goes:

I don’t know who I am. I know that I am a 24-year-old girl who loves to read. I know that I get sucked into the Internet and facebook more often than is probably healthy for any single person. I think I’m going to have to take a day off from facebook every week. I have no idea when or how I will force myself to implement this, but it would be good for me.

I know that I am dangerously overweight, and I’m feeling pathetic because I’m watching my beautiful mother become healthier and healthier as she gets older, and I’m the one falling apart. I also know that part of this is this weird selfish, stupid longing of mine to have someone fall in love with me while I’m in this fabled “ugly duckling” stage of who I am. Somehow I seem to still think that having someone decide that they love me would cure me instantly of this bizarre inability to eat like a healthy adult. I’ve seen bits of myself that seem to really do just that because I’ve fallen for people that I thought I could change for, but the fact of the matter is: I don’t love myself enough to change.

I know I am selfish. I am foolish. I feel guilty every time someone is willing to help me pay off parts of my tuition at ABC, and I never feel like I am capable of expressing my thanks the way I should. So, so many people have been kinder to me than I could ever believe I deserved, and yet, I know that as Donald Miller says I am not above the charity of God. This past 6 or so months of my life have been a lot of me learning that when I commit to trusting God for providing for me that He will come through for me.

I know I feel like a failure every time I see people I went to school with or when people ask me what I intend to do with my life because I have no idea how to tell them what I’m doing. How does someone explain that they’ve decided to reattend a school that told them they couldn’t come back for a second year because they were so broke they couldn’t pay for anything and that the school doesn’t provide Bachelor’s degrees in anything that you could ever make any real money with? How do you explain that you have no idea how to be an adult and that you feel like a complete failure in that? You watch people you grew up with get married and have kids and buy houses and date like normal people and become beautiful people and productive members of society, and you feel more like a fool and a pariah and a teenager every day.

I also know that it’s insane for me to feel this much aggravation to myself. People are constantly trying to cheer me on and I know that I am capable of good. I will never be able to express my gratitude for the faith my parents hold in me or for overhearing my mother telling people how blessed she feels to have four truly intelligent children. Knowing that my father is excited to have me back home because I’ll make him pies, for my brothers to get excited because I’ll be around to play board games with them, and to simply talk to the oldest of my brothers because…well he missed me.

It’s also been completely strange because I’ve realized “home” isn’t really here anymore. The strangest part of that was realizing what caused this…well, realization: the lack of lighting. I had no lamp here. Not a real one. I can’t be in my bedroom here at the house and not have a lamp. It throws off everything about my night. When I noticed that there was no regular lamp for me, I realized this wasn’t home anymore. This makes me feel silly, but it’s true. Plus, this room doesn’t feel right. Sure, there’s still a huge number of pictures and papers hung on the walls, but they don’t feel like home. There are bare shelves and half-packed boxes everywhere. Within the next year or two…this room will no longer be mine. It will be a guest room, and I will come and stay here when I visit. But this is not home.

A month or two ago I was reminded of this cool website that shows a collection of Polaroid pictures of people and at the bottom of the Polaroid people state something that they wish to accomplish before they die. The one that hit me hardest was one of a young guy probably around my age who simply said that before he died he wanted to feel like he was home again. This didn’t break my heart, but instead, it encouraged me. I am not alone. I know that many people go through a stage of wandering. Nothing feels quite right to some of us. We’re full of wanderlust and dreams. We just want to find where we belong.

I wonder how long it takes to find home.

And is home a place or is it a person or an idea? Is it finding what I want to be? Is it falling in love? Is it the right location? I guess I’ll know when I find it.

A friend of mine was recently told that the guy she liked couldn’t be with her because he needed time to figure out who he was and what he wanted to do with his life. I can see where he’s coming from a little, but I think he was using this time in his life as an excuse. I don’t think this is right. Sure, I’m screwed up, but if I [have] found/find the right guy, I will do what I can to make it work out. I’m not going to waste my life wandering around when what I’m longing most for is right in front of me. I think her ex-boyfriend is a jerk who just doesn’t know how to tell her that he doesn’t really want to commit to her or love her like she deserves. He’s just not into her.

Today I was talking to a couple that I’m close to, and I was struck by something they both said. They were talking about how they had both thought relationships would be a lot harder than they are. Not saying that relationships aren’t a great deal of work and compromise, but they both said that their relationship isn’t filled with the drama that so many others are full of. They are upfront about everything. They don’t lie or try to make their arguments into battles to be won by one or the other. They just lay their cards out on the table as soon as a problem arises and they deal with the issues at hand. My friend said that she just doesn’t understand why people make it more complicated. She doesn’t want to fight with the person she lives with. She doesn’t like fighting with her husband and she doesn’t want to make life more complicated or fight to win. She instead just wants to get through whatever disagreement they’re having as quickly and honestly as possible. They have one of the healthiest and most stable relationships I’ve ever seen. I want that. The thing he said that stuck with me most was that it was so easy. Not marriage, but finding his wife. He is older than she is by several years and said that this might have really helped him, but he knew what he wanted and when he found her, he went for it. He was honest and upfront about what he wanted in everything, and in doing this, they didn’t have to wonder what the other one was thinking or wanting because they already knew. It eliminated a lot of heartache, questions, angst and drama.

Again, I want that.

I’m just going to keep my eyes open and pray. Hopefully when the right thing comes along (or if it is already present) God will give me the eyes, heart and brain needed in order to recognize love where I find it.

Hopefully I’ll also be able to come to terms with the fact that I’m a messy, ridiculous kid and that I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to follow God’s lead and find courage and hope in every day and His provision.

Maybe I’ll start a God box and put all my wishes, hopes, prayers, and dreams in it to trust them to God and put them right out of my mind and into God’s hands.

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