Dean Winchester really is my spirit animal, but probably only where this is concerned. I shouldn't say that. We're both incredibly loyal past the point of logic or good health, and we both have a lot of self-loathing. Beyond that, I really couldn't say. I haven't watched nearly enough of the show to know if our similarities run any deeper. I know I'm not the object of the opposite sex's burning desire though, so we don't have that in common at all.
Moving on. All I'm saying is that I understand how little desire Dean has to jog or run. I'm with him 100%. I haven't been out running or walking or jogging or anything in well over a week and I'm supposed to do that 5K in about a month and a half. I'm planning on dying. I guess I should probably update my will and get as much living in as I can while I still have time. I'll get to see Jay and Kim get married before I die, and I've had the opportunity to hold Ki, Ellie, Quin and play with Conor, so at least I'll die knowing the little ones I adore in person. Plus I got ahold of a copy of John Mayer's cover of "XO" today, so nothing else really matters anyway.
I get to go home in about a week. It is hard to explain just how happy I am about this. I miss my family. Deeply. One of the things that is constantly driven home to me being so far away is just how amazing my family is and how hard it is to be without them. I am truly lucky when it come to my family. What's even better? They're as excited about me coming home as I am to see them. I'll get to see David and Kelsey's new apartment, Joel is in the process of trying to win a bet we have going over a screen play, I get to bake my dad pie, I'll get to talk to my mom about everything in person (and without feeling weird about who may hear me), and I'll get to make Forrest laugh. I'll take pictures of everything and I'll get to cuddle with my cat, sleep in my own bed, sit on my front porch for hours, and spend time reading in my favorite chair in the universe. For a little while all will feel like it is supposed to and I'll be able to breath without it feeling like a struggle.
I've had a really hard time the past few weeks just trying to stay motivated. I want Children of Change to succeed so badly, but I feel like I'm floundering in my ability to be my best. I don't think I'm my best right now. I think I'm a little too damaged to be what I need to be, and I'm hoping this trip home will give me a little perspective and a way to heal. Maybe the distance and climate change and actual meals will make a difference. Plus Sun Tea. Real sun tea. No sweeteners. Just the tea and ice in a tall glass with a good book. Everything about that sounds like heaven.
I can't wait to go home.
Favorite things of this very moment (12:50 AM EST):
- XO by John Mayer (do yourself a favor and buy it)
- The pair of black heels I was given tonight (for free!)
- My new lamp (Look! Now there are more of them!)
- John Mayer's voice...le sigh
- My room being a not insane temperature, but rather being juuuuust right
- Calle and her terrible jokes about snails (er...Canadians)
- The prospect of sleep
- Getting to talk to Shelby (I miss her)